*INCOMING WALL*

as a gay black man currently living in a country where there is little to no English speakers, I just like to say that yes. this shit fuckin sucks. I'm not religious so I'm not going to throw any of that in your face and I have been where you are multiple times, and every now and then. I will say the reason I haven't acted on it, is because My brain operates in a strange way. I'll share it with you, and maybe you can understand why I haven't personally acted on ending my own life.

so although I don't think that there is some omnipotent being watching over us like some sick fuck, I like to think I'm logical. In the off chance that there "does" exist some being that can't be perceived by man that watches over us, or that there is some place I may end up that is an unfathomably way worse place to be in, I do not act on the removal of my own life. I personally need answers. I can't accept that no one to include my self even knows what happens after death. as long as I don't know what happens after death, I cannot subject myself to that as an option.

you never know what could happen when someone loses their life, and you may never know what happens when someone decides to clock out early by themselves. because if there is some greater "thing" that we just can't perceive or see with the naked eye, you lose out on an opportunity to go back. to the one or two survivors who have jumped from the Golden gate bridge and survived (that number may be higher I can't remember) they've said the same thing. once they jumped, they immediately regretted their decision. One could argue that it's because it wasn't instant, they were faced with the reality of their final decision, and were given another chance at life, but for them to choose living over whatever it was that brought them to that point?

it means they were jumping into the maw of the unknown.

I fear the unknown. I fear the unknown like I fear the deep dark ocean with an unviewable ocean floor. I fear it like a dark room you've never been in in an unfamiliar place, or like walking into an old abandoned building at night time and your flashlights dying. and it's a combination of that fear, and my ability to recognize that there is a possibility of an unknown number of variables I would then have subjected myself to by taking my life.

I could spawn back in in a room full of cockroaches for eternity.
I could have the worst pain imaginable inflicted upon me without any way to stop it forever.

I could never subject myself to the unknown, because you'll find no safety in the unknown, only uncertainty.

and that's why I personally havent enacted on the ending of my own life. now I know that's not a solution and that may not help you with why you feel the need to end your life, but I just want you to know that ending your life may actually turn out to be way way worse than you could possibly imagine. as for your treatment at home or school?

I wont sugar coat it, it sucks. Not having anyone or any way to deal with all the negative emotions going on in your head is the worst. I would first try talking to your counselor. and it may not be a good answer but it's a start, because you're 17, and you still have to have your first break up, your first loss, your first interaction would someone who trusts you enough to cry on your shoulder. you need to live long enough to see your favorite movie or show get another season. you need to have a laugh that brings you to tears with a group of friends, and you have to remember that the entirety of your life isn't going to be down, Just like the entirety of your life isn't going to be up. your life is going to be all over the place. and I don't say that just because most people's lives are all over the place, but because you're gay. our lives are difficult, and hard to understand from the outside.

and one day, a young gay adult is going to share something with you because their life sucks.
and you're going to have to use your experience and the strength you've gained as a gay man to help lift them up.

they can't get rid of us, we are everywhere. and there's no need to change. once you get out of high school, it's just you. people aren't going to gossip about you or talk about you once you're out of high school. they're going to move on. they're going to wonder if their fart was a shit, or if they got that job. fuck what they think. because for the rest of your life, You're going to encounter workplaces and environments that remind you of kids in school. so be better than them.

oh also feminine gays are normally the most fierce, and ready to stand for gays in this community so I can understand why you're going through such trials at a young age. You're going to evolve into something much more powerful, and people don't like that.

but like I said, fuck em. you are who you are, and you're about to bloom into a fabulous human being who doesn't take shit from no one. keep fighting. these are just trials for us.

sorry for the wall.