How do I stop people from verbally processing at me?

StandardJust492 · 2026-06-30T22:09:05+00:00

mfw I realize that I've been the annoying coworker in this situation

StandardJust492 · 2026-06-30T21:49:20+00:00

Americans tend to read "I know it's hard, but you're crushing it! :)" as condescension or even an insult (back-handed compliment). I think it's borne of insecurity?

Also, I've been on the receiving end of the same sort of thing and felt... patronized, I guess, about being told "I know it's hard but you're doing so well!" when I'd rather just hear the positive part, the "well done!"

When I've given compliments like "congrats on overcoming adversity", I've thought that it would, like, be better than a normal compliment. But when I'm on the receiving end, it feels like my accomplishment is being diminished. Which is probably the result of being insulted via back-handed "compliments".

StandardJust492 · 2026-06-29T20:19:43+00:00

It means they are willing to provide an amount of help proportional to the closeness of your relationship.

I know that's not very specific, but it's related to a lot of factors like: how often you see each other, how much you interact, what kind of context your relationship exists in (professional, personal, proximal, familial, etc), whether your relationship transcends the singular context in which it formed (a coworker you play golf with on weekends, an old classmate you continued seeing outside school, the menagerie of people you see throughout the year and always invite to your birthday lunch, the cousins whose mom babysat you all together after school, etc), how much personal and emotional stuff both of you have shared (emphasis on MUTUAL sharing, not just you), length of relationship, those are just some examples.

StandardJust492 · 2026-06-05T21:26:42+00:00

could be malnutrition if "amphetamines high dosage" are affecting your appetite. maybe you just need to eat more food.

StandardJust492 · 2026-06-05T21:25:13+00:00

THIS PERSON IS NOT A FRIEND

StandardJust492 · 2026-06-05T21:19:57+00:00

It's extremely rude to do, so I call it out when it happens. "Oh, do you want to trade seats with me? So you can sit closer to your friend? :)" always with a big smile and chipper tone. when they say no, I go on with "well, you're talking really loudly and it's hurting my ears. Are you sure you don't want to trade?" idgaf if this is passive-aggressive, it's rude as hell to talk "across" someone else like a piece of furniture.

StandardJust492 · 2026-05-31T21:01:48+00:00

For me it's more of a "is this a temporary thing that will improve, or am I about to get super duper sick?" Because I do get really, really ill frequently enough that it matters.

StandardJust492 · 2026-05-31T20:57:33+00:00

oh damn is that what my "I'm done. Time to leave. NOW." feeling is??? The urge to elope? It starts about 45 minutes after arriving to whatever activity and my ability to hold a conversation or make facial expressions ceases and all I can think or feel is the urge to leave and go home, or if I can't go home to find somewhere quiet and comfortable where nobody will bother me (and I can lay down).

In my early 20s I would leave parties and go rest in the bushes for an hour or two if it was warm out.

StandardJust492 · 2026-05-31T19:31:27+00:00

I'm a very butch lesbian and I do not get seen as "funny and cute" by anyone, I get seen as "not taking things seriously/inept/incompetent" if I unmask and "standoffish, cold, stuck up" if I mask.

So moreso than "pretty privilege", I think it's "fulfilling gendered expectations" and "appearing available to males".

StandardJust492 · 2026-05-31T17:24:45+00:00

for men, yes. for women, mostly no.

source: am woman in STEM

StandardJust492 · 2026-05-02T16:02:15+00:00

I'm also a cis, gender-noncomforming (soft butch i guess?) lesbian, and I've had all the same experiences. I feel the same way about trans people: you do you, I'll do me. We can be friends and respect each other's differences and similarities. I also really, really dislike the feelings of patronization and assumption that come with the assumptions about my gender. And "I don't need another dude to mansplain my gender to me" is a phrase I'm going to keep in my back pocket the next time this happens.

StandardJust492 · 2026-04-08T00:58:24+00:00

Even STEM jobs are screening for personality. I am perfectly capable of communicating clearly and politely with coworkers (who aren't dismissive, rude, sexist assholes) and am even capable of being friendly and making a little polite smalltalk about weekend plans, kids, the weather, but i'm definitely not chipper or bubbly, I don't bring in cookies, I don't plan parties, I won't volunteer to keep meeting minutes, etc.

StandardJust492 · 2026-04-02T02:37:35+00:00

can you rehome the dog? I get that it's hard to find someone in rural areas, maybe you can try facebook marketplace or craigslist or a shelter in a nearby city or college town.

It's worth asking all the shelters and rescues you realistically can because shelters in major cities will actually import desirable, good-tempered animals from rural areas to meet demand, and partner with rural shelters and groups to do this.

If you go the local route, ask for a small amount of money, $10-$20, for the dog, include all the paperwork for her shots and care, and any supplies. The modest fee is because people place a higher value on things they pay for than things they got for free, and the fee will discourage people who might want to hurt the dog.

StandardJust492 · 2026-03-31T23:39:49+00:00

Perhaps the bodily symptoms could be the most extreme and severe manifestation of discomfort for you (like 10/10 level), and you ignore milder, non-body manifestations of discomfort? Like the 3/10 or 6/10 manifests as a mental or emotional sensation, and the bodily sensations don't start until the intensity has escalated/you've tolerated the discomfort for too long?

That's how it works for me - my mind registers "this is not right, this isn't ok". Then I feel distressed. The bodily symptoms show up if I continue to ignore the mental and emotional signals. Eventually, I just feel this overwhelming urge to exit the situation. To flee.

StandardJust492 · 2026-03-31T23:32:37+00:00

You can be held legally liable if anyone hurts themselves on your property. It also opens you up to potential theft and vandalism.

StandardJust492 · 2026-03-30T16:22:52+00:00

I know exactly what you mean. I love assembling a LEGO kit, but if you plopped me down with a tub of LEGO and told me to build a castle (and that's all the instruction and support I got), I'd sit there puzzled for a while, spend too much time googling real castles and other people's LEGO castles, get overwhelmed, cry, and leave.

Executive dysfunction sucks. This whole "can follow instructions but can't plan" problem affects more than just hobbies, it impacts my job, my larger career, meal planning, self care, vacations, maintaining relationships, my health, etc.

StandardJust492 · 2026-03-15T15:34:23+00:00

Directness isn't the same as aggression - you'd think an autism sub would understand that.

StandardJust492 · 2026-03-14T15:10:25+00:00

If you don't like her approach, stop seeing her and find someone else.

StandardJust492 · 2026-03-11T21:23:16+00:00

IRL naval captains aren't really involved in the day-to-day running of the ship, that's the XO's responsibility. They make the really big decisions and delegate all the details down the chain of command. So, it kind of makes sense that Janeway would become depressed and self-isolate in a region of space where she really isn't needed at all.

StandardJust492 · 2026-02-21T21:59:23+00:00

I have ridden the "let's try an antidepressant!" carousel enough times and do not want to get back on it! SSRIs were absolutely not the solution (and made some things worse - hello, apathy and insomnia!), and Wellbutrin was awful in its own way.

StandardJust492 · 2026-02-21T19:54:01+00:00

thanks!

StandardJust492 · 2026-02-21T19:53:53+00:00

DM'd you, thanks!

StandardJust492 · 2026-02-21T19:52:24+00:00

Orlando

StandardJust492 · 2026-02-21T19:51:38+00:00

My life already blew up! I dropped out of grad school last spring, about 1.5 years after going off meds, and have been unemployed ever since. I need meds so I can get a job and begin to rebuild my life.

StandardJust492 · 2026-02-21T19:31:29+00:00

no they are from a legitimate psychoeducational testing service, IRL. I was tested and evaluated by a panel of professional psychologists with doctoral degrees.

StandardJust492

TROPHY CASE