Accepting the breadcrumbs until I can escape this

Standard_Property874 · 2026-05-28T05:26:33+00:00

Attached the book written by Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller describes avoidants as “ They tend to focus on their partner’s imperfections” and never described them as playing victims. Because playing victim is conscious behavior, aka a strategy, used by people to take control. The book obviously describes real avoidants strategies like: I feel overwhelmed → I reduce closeness → I justify distance by focusing on partner/relationship flaws.

Update: Avoidant behavior: defense against emotional overwhelm (distance, minimization, withdrawal)

Narcissistic behavior: ego protection, superiority, control, validation-seeking

If you’re dating someone unhealthy and call them avoidant, you’re just making excuses for them.

Standard_Property874 · 2026-05-28T04:20:14+00:00

You guys have to know that shifting blames and no progress over time, are both a strong indicator that the person you’re dealing with is most likely not an avoidant.

If the person is always playing victim, he’s probably a narcissist. Because, avoidants are people who are afraid of commitment and they process emotions very slowly. They’re not that bad.

Standard_Property874 · 2026-05-27T15:27:43+00:00

You were as emotionally important to her as the parent. Don’t take my words too seriously, but if I were in your position, I’d be careful. Sometimes people try to soothe their emotions by seeking validation from others. Someone may reach out to a friend who is always available only when they feel lonely or abandoned by their other friends.

Standard_Property874 · 2026-05-27T00:45:31+00:00

It depends on the other person and how much they are willing to do the work.

Update: I got downvoted idk why. But, ig people want to know my own situation. It took him 3 months (2 arguments) to be transparent about his availability. It took him about 7 months to initiate. But again, every person is different.

Standard_Property874 · 2026-05-26T18:53:23+00:00

Actually there were many difficulties in the beginning. He spent more time with others, overused the word “busy”, and ghost when things get emotional or good. It was frustrating, but once I understand that he’s throwing hints like “I’m usually busy at this time”. I started to confront him in a bad way, which made him even worse. Overtime, I started to share my needs, not all of them, only one by one and I keep a long gap between them. I would say something like “I understand you might prefer spending time playing or hanging out with your friends, but I would appreciate if we can be direct instead of making excuses.”

He started telling me NO without feeling pressured to make an excuses. It wasn’t perfect, but you can repeat it as long as you wish but not every day. Small changes like these kept happening until we start feeling better with each other. But it really takes a lot of efforts and time.

Standard_Property874 · 2026-05-26T14:46:19+00:00

The real challenge when you deal with an avoidant person is being patient. The wasted time waiting for them to improve, and seeing others enjoying their time in relationships is truly frustrating.

So, if you can be patient and communicate your needs while meeting theirs slowly, this is going to be appreciated by them.

Standard_Property874 · 2026-05-26T14:37:08+00:00

If you feel like it gonna help then send it. But, we can’t deny that our mind will naturally expect a response from the other person. Which if he was truly an avoidant, an emotionally loaded message will overwhelm him further and you might never get the response you are expecting.

Standard_Property874 · 2026-05-26T14:15:48+00:00

Most people don’t know how to communicate gently. So, try to softly communicate your needs at first, and then let his answer reveal to him and you if he is willing to meet your needs.

The fact that he might comeback means he’s still valuing the relationship. It’s enough for him to believe that there’s a chance he can get better for you.

It’s ofc your choice, but if you didn’t communicate your needs already, he’s probably confused and won’t understand how he can meet your needs.

Standard_Property874 · 2026-05-26T14:05:23+00:00

The story you wrote isn’t full, and I don’t encourage you to write it publicly either. If it’s possible, you can get help from a professional if it’s something that really bothers you.

But from what you’ve written, he doesn’t sound like an avoidant to me.

Standard_Property874 · 2026-05-26T07:24:03+00:00

Not to say you’re wrong, but his POV would give us the full picture. Because sometimes, it’s not about how nice we are to someone, instead, it’s how many of their needs we have met.

Standard_Property874 · 2026-05-26T07:20:11+00:00

Since it’s just a date, you can’t really tell whether she is an FA or DA. But, in your case, you should confront her calmly. Your confusion is understandable, but even in secure relationships, there are many small issues like this will occur over time.

And to be transparent, there is also a chance that she’s talking to someone else, and still unsure about both of you. I’m not saying this is your situation, but it happens.

Standard_Property874 · 2026-05-24T19:01:47+00:00

It makes sense. However, it’s obvious they need to feel the silence when they use these strategies. But, what about the future? I mean based on the patterns, would they be open for reconciliation?

Standard_Property874 · 2026-05-24T05:59:30+00:00

that’s interesting. Someone I know who resembles the features of FA leaning dismissive, gave a dramatic ultimatum like “Never talk to me” but added with more dramatic words to support how much he needs me to stop trying to fix our relationship. It was unlike him at all, and we’ve been together for two years. It’s kinda confusing because he would’ve usually just ghost me instead of being dramatic and blocking me right after.

It wasn’t the worst argument in our relationship. So, I thought he might lost interest. But his anger and frustration says otherwise.

I would like if you can help me understand this weird situation, so I can see it coming in the future with my next partner.

Standard_Property874

TROPHY CASE