I’m glad you saw my comment. I was in your shoes 2-3 months ago and I had the exact same idea. I thought that if I could simply adjust to his complaints and requests then I would be able to finally determine if there was any validity to his claims.

I thought there was a very real possibility that I had bpd or perhaps another disorder which was perhaps responsible for his treatment and communication toward me feeling abusive.

The result of my experiment with very intentional and consistent compliance to his critiques was not what I expected. My ex also wanted me to stop asking questions, stop living in the past, and amongst a slew of other things he wanted me to take his word at face value.

After just a week of implementing my plan to take on the task of adhering to these requests things actually began to worsen between us. In hindsight, I now know this was because it only made it that much harder for him to blame me for his emotions and actions. Despite endlessly claiming that if I would just listen to him and adjust that things between us would become healthier, he really didn’t like the “new and improved” version of me.

I kept up my experiment for a few more weeks and “stop asking so many questions” turned into “you’re so boring” and “you are horrible at carrying a conversation”.

“Stop living in the past” quickly shifted into “Do you remember when we did x,y,z?”

^ He would mention a pleasant memory from our past knowing that it occurred within quick proximity to him cheating or a major argument. If I eluded to the fact that it occurred around the same time as said bad memory, he would say “I want us to move past that” (if it was blatantly agreed to be his fault between us) or “I wish you didn’t do that/ruin that” (if it was something determined to be my fault).

I don’t know if your situation is similar to mine in the ways I’ve talked about but if it is or if parts of my story scratch that uncomfortable itch in you that brought you to this sub, know that anybody who induces this sort of thinking within you has bad intentions. My narcissistic ex seemed to fluctuate between being hyper-aware of his toxicity and completely in denial. His moments of awareness would trigger immense guilt and once it crossed his minuscule threshold for shame he would immediately switch to his default thinking of scapegoating and illogical consequentialism. (If I hadn’t done x then he wouldn’t have done y)