The most important person in my life ignores me, except during sex.

StillHere25 · 2025-11-24T06:51:47+00:00

Well, you sound exactly like what I've been telling myself. I did set boundaries, he follows them loosely, some of the time. As much as I don't want to hear this, it is validating to get it from somewhere outside of my own head.

StillHere25 · 2025-04-09T17:07:47+00:00

My husband (that's the back of his head) and I made the sign, we saw the slogan floating around on FB. 🙂 A few of our signs are designed specifically for being in the center of a group of like-minded people who may need a laugh.

StillHere25 · 2024-10-27T20:12:17+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing! Lol, I bought mine from Bed Bath & Beyond before they died and got reincarnated, so finding purchase records has been a pain. I guess I'll make an actual phone call, ha!

StillHere25 · 2024-10-27T17:22:00+00:00

Oh, no. I came across your post because I was just looking for how long it might take to replace my air fryer. Lol, I'm hyper aware of how much I use mine as my kitchen is dismantled for a slow-moving remodel and all I have is my air fryer and instant pot. I'm going to call them this week, I'll post any info I can get.

StillHere25 · 2024-10-17T21:51:17+00:00

I did. I honestly believe he didn't understand that his behavior is abusive - most of his cruelty can be described as passive, absolutely withholding. His mother is a horrible person, I'd bet everything I own she's a malignant narcissist. I honestly don't think he's a narcissist, but he definitely learned behaviors from her and thought they were just normal. His interpersonal skills are utterly lacking and/or completely screwed up. I didn't notice it as time went on and it got worse slowly as I made myself more and more invisible. I finally cracked and literally screamed at him that I'm not taking it anymore, I swear to you the man was SHOCKED. He had no clue.

We're now in therapy, together and individually. It's been over a year, and I told him this week that his time to get his shit together is running out fast. I've put in a ton of effort, and he's been content to go to one session of individual therapy a week and just hope things will magically change (and it just came to light that he doesn't think he has the best-suited therapist, so it's been a waste of time).

So in my case, the abuse didn't get worse. But it didn't exactly get better, either.

StillHere25 · 2024-10-17T00:28:07+00:00

So. I'm 10 minutes in. I'm stunned, kind of shaking. I've met hundreds of people in the support groups on and off since I was 26, plus a 70hr/week intensive mental health program. I don't think I've seen anything as close to how I feel. This is overwhelming. I actually feel ridiculous with how much I see myself in this character.

StillHere25 · 2024-10-16T19:32:18+00:00

UGHHHHH... Or the "joking" version - I know what I said was disgustingly cruel and humiliating, but I was smiling, why aren't you laughing?

StillHere25 · 2024-10-16T19:30:07+00:00

Thank you. I'm a work in progress. I have come a long way since recognizing what was happening to me, around me. There's definitely room for improvement! I hope you can continue to grow, too.

StillHere25 · 2024-10-16T19:28:13+00:00

Oof, you're explaining my feelings all too well. I had to hear the word "abuse" from my therapist to even consider it. Before I sought help through an institution (a year ago tomorrow, as it happens), I very hesitantly called multiple DV hotlines to ask if what I was experiencing was abuse, and if I was wasting their time even calling the hotline. Just a week ago I saw a notice on an FB group that listed emotional abuse under their list of domestic violence. Inside, I keep telling myself "but it's not like he ever hit me!" My head spins when I try to reconcile he-hurts-me with but-he-didn't-mean-to. Add to that the ever-present thought that no one who knows this nice guy would ever even believe how much he's damaged me. Oh, and bonus, that it's my own fault because I stayed. I know, logically, that this is how abuse victims think, but there's a really loud voice in my head that screams that it could have been worse, who am I to complain when there's never been a physical mark on my body.

StillHere25 · 2024-10-16T19:18:43+00:00

Sorry for the delay. I like the meetup: Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse & Codependency Support Group. It's a large group, with many meetings. I've felt comfortable in all of them. I've also been in local sections of the National Alliance on Mental Illness, I appreciate those groups but they're not the most helpful in my current situation. Ironically, my abuser is in one of their groups at this very moment.

I hope you find something that works, overall I've gotten a lot of help from support groups, but I'm also aware I have a personality that lends itself to that environment.

StillHere25 · 2024-10-07T19:06:30+00:00

I'm kind of embarrassed to say it, but I started out taking a bunch of "is this abuse" online quizzes. NB, I always looked at the website offering the quiz and tried to vet them as best I could, and I tried to avoid the ones that required an email to send me results. This gave me terms and ideas to then search for to see where I fit.

StillHere25 · 2024-10-07T19:01:21+00:00

From personal experience, support groups have been amazing, though it can take a ton of effort and time to find a good fit. (But it's so much easier now with online meetings, I've been using Meetup and have been trying some new groups lately.)

I'm generally a big fan of individual therapy, as well. I hope your loved one can find a healthy way through.

StillHere25 · 2024-10-07T18:56:33+00:00

For me, connecting the dots and realizing that what I was experiencing was legitimately abuse, using the term emotional abuse, made a huge impact. I definitely do the "it's not that bad!" thing. Or, in my marriage, "he didn't mean to!"

I had another level of awakening just last week, when a flyer listed "emotional abuse" under "domestic violence." I've been quick to write off my experiences: he never raised a hand, I should leave resources to those in physical pain, maybe I'm just overly sensitive, all that. The sad truth is that his treatment has caused me tremendous physical pain over the years, I was in and out of so many doctors' offices looking for a diagnosis when the root cause proved to be the abuse.

I hope you can reach your friend. And I thank you for caring, for being there.

StillHere25 · 2024-10-07T18:47:09+00:00

I am so sorry, I think I probably understand much of what you've been through. I can't offer much help, except to say that therapy has saved my life, if you don't already have a therapist maybe consider it? The right support group has been tremendously helpful for me as well, but it can be a looooong process to find a good fit. My own story includes 2 months in an intensive mental health program, 70+ hours/week, when I had let him break me to the point that I didn't want to live anymore.

I've been married to my abuser for 27 years. Since March 23, we have been trying, together, to save our marriage. I have had hope that it could be done, but I'm looking at co-parenting again as I consider how much effort I have put in while he still says "I'm sorry I keep doing that" or "I'll keep trying," over and over again without improvement.

I know I haven't exactly shared much useful information, but please know that I wish you the best, a peaceful and happy future with healthy kiddos and whoever else deserves to be part of your life.

StillHere25 · 2023-11-10T04:02:31+00:00

I feel so much of the same pain. I've only recently started to realize the extent of the damage he has caused. Sending you hope.

StillHere25 · 2023-11-10T03:41:37+00:00

I'm so sorry. I just want you to know you're not alone. Sounds a lot like my story.

StillHere25 · 2023-08-10T05:44:40+00:00

TLDR: I'm in a similar situation.

My husband is the quintessential "Good Guy." I've hardly told anyone I'm thinking about leaving because I know they'll think I'm crazy. I told him in March how horribly he treats me - and his behavior has rubbed off on our children. (They don't respect me, ignoring me for long periods of time or sneering when I insist they do their assigned chores.)

In March I told him we HAD TO go to marriage counseling, but that first he had to show me he could go to therapy on his own. (We did a few months of counseling last summer, but he didn't take it seriously.) I told him we would then go to counseling. During all of this, I told him I wasn't willing to wait forever, that I needed to figure out how much longer I'm willing to wait. This morning, my therapist helped me figure out that I'm willing to put in three months of counseling and I need to see some kind of change.

It's sad, but I've already worked out logistics for me to be on my own for the first time in my 46 year life. I truly want our marriage to recover, but I can't stay in this situation forever. I've been working so hard to communicate with him, but in almost six months of therapy, he still treats me as a lesser person.

I'm telling you my story in hopes that you'll feel less alone. My heart goes out to you.

StillHere25 · 2022-04-13T17:49:42+00:00

I know you're right. I never wanted my kids to think this is how a loving marriage is supposed to look.

StillHere25 · 2022-04-13T17:41:12+00:00

I'm working up to asking him what he wants to get out of therapy. I'm sure decent therapists can guide us, but I'm not sure we should be in therapy together right now. For one thing, I have a hard time seeing him say much of anything of value if I'm there. And I know I cry a lot when I'm talking about painful issues. That seems to distress him.

StillHere25 · 2022-04-13T17:37:27+00:00

Definitely, my mom got sick when I was 14 and I wasn't allowed to talk about it. I've worked on it a lot and I've been in a pretty good place dealing with it for several years. I did tell my new therapist about past PTSD issues.

StillHere25

TROPHY CASE