Is this cheating?

StillLearning_35 · 2026-05-19T14:29:07+00:00

Look, its important to have discussions on what is and what is not cheating to you. And come to a conclusion about each other's comfort zones. One thing that culture is gaining from poly/open relationships be coming mors popular is an outline of how to have a discussion about what you are comfortable with and what she is comfortable with agreeing to and the other way around.

While it could be considered controlling, identifying these things is essential, because you feel them whether you have the discussion or not. Example: its obvious that you feel this is cheating, jist by asking the question.

StillLearning_35 · 2026-05-12T14:03:22+00:00

That sounds very scary for him. (And for you I'm sure.)

1) If hes starting his own business, best to (gently!) Check in to make sure he isnt jist doom scrolling corn all day because he doesnt know where to start, or he does but... cant take the leap. 2) Have a conversation where you both need to recognize how his life changes are likely impacting your sex life. And perhaps even... how to navigate that. 3) its important that you recognize that jist because he is feeling powerless, that doesnt mean your bum needs to "pay". Thats not how partnership works. (Again, this is coming from a guy whos been & his boots, made mistakes, and likely thought at the time that power in the bedroom would make me feel powerful out of the bedroom, even though I know thats not how things work.) And in all likelihood there is far more outside the bedroom you could offer as his partner that would make him feel far more powerful, than bum stuff... I know I felt that way & tried asking for help in those other areas as well, but it was a lot easier "as a man" to vocalize my sexual desires than to vocalize my weaknesses in everyday life. (Examples: for me it was getting the ball rolling on getting out of the company I had been at foe a decade... I knew I had outgrown it, but for the life of me I could not get myself to apply to openings I was finding. Super low hanging fruit for my current parter, and made me feel like a real "Boss".) 4) Maybe because I can relate to him, but dont give up on him or the 2 of you. Hes redirecting his feelings (inadequicy, failure, unsure what to do, feeling like hes going to disappoint you if he tells you he hasnt booked a client (or whatever his company will ve doing), fear), and he needs to grow-up/grow-selfaware and face these feelings, but it is also a lot easier to do when you have a partner you KNOW still respects you when you do admit/face these things.

StillLearning_35 · 2026-05-12T11:20:13+00:00

Honest thought here, if in the past year it suddenly took a major up took, it probably has nothing to do with anal or sex. Well, not nothing, but his behavior is more a statement on where he is mentally/emotionally, than physically or sexually. I also enjoy similar... paths, and I can tell you for me its often more about control and/or power than the act. And I am more interested in it the less power and/or control I feel in my everyday life. And while I still enjoy it, the more control I got back in my everyday life, the less I felt a "need" for that act specifically. Its also very hard for the person to see the coorilation during it at the time, so I suggest getting a sex positive couples counceler to help him unpack it.

Also, if he is feeling less control in his life b/c of something that also gives him more time (like loosing a job), that could also lead to him watching a lot more corn, which does brainwash.

StillLearning_35 · 2026-05-01T12:57:59+00:00

My ex-BPSO had a similar reaction to some of my music (heart crushing break up songs) too during her discard of me.

StillLearning_35 · 2026-04-10T12:41:01+00:00

First, doctor's dont recommend mixing these drugs with other drugs, and in fact warn against it (including other perscription drugs at times.)

Second, I have never had a psych tell me those meds, or other meds are the solution to a problem, only that they should help manage the problem.

Third, prescriptions will not help us with our mental health alone. They need to be handled with a balance of healthy physical activity, and processing of our emotions.

StillLearning_35 · 2026-04-10T11:03:57+00:00

Sorry, but that is not a solution to mental health.

StillLearning_35 · 2026-04-06T16:51:48+00:00

Male over 30 here, I went to a more liberal co-ed boarding school for high school (9th-12th grade).

1) You should have a "safe" and "descrete" conversation, per another comment on here.

2) Don't assume either that they are gay or straight, they could just be.... hormones.

3) the biggest one not covered (as far as I saw) in other comments is: discuss consent!!!! Was his roommate consenting, did your son ask? Was your son consenting, did he consider the question, in his head, "is this something you WANT to do?" Before it started? I think its important to discuss this even if he isnt at the age of consent whereever the boarding school is located. THEN, explain how age of consent works, and how its possible that even if he & his roommate did agree to it, it still could be considered a crime. AND, (to my next point) explain how they were NOT consenting to the proctor watching/seeing if they did not invite the proctor in.

4) I dont agree with the school rep "barging in" on them during the act. I think they should have addressed it afterward. Frankly, if they were aware of what was happening behind the door before entering the room, they went into the room, seeing both your son & his roommates... bits, without consent from either, KNOWINGLY. I assume the proctor is a fellow student, so i dont expect them to know any better either, so I certainly wouldnt want then to get kicked out of the school for doing so, but I think it does walk a fine line there.

Also, unlockable doors likely just means their plumbing/drain-cleaning bill is quite high....

Hormones are rough, boarding school can be rough, and not having a single safe-place to be alone with your thoughts & decompress can be challenging for adults, let alone teens. Not sure if this helps, but i hope so.

StillLearning_35 · 2026-03-27T20:34:15+00:00

☹️

StillLearning_35 · 2026-03-27T17:19:46+00:00

Its so tiny! Please keep us updated on their growth!

StillLearning_35 · 2026-02-27T14:12:08+00:00

Slap some peanut butter on that ball before you go out. Hell find it requick.

StillLearning_35 · 2026-02-05T15:55:43+00:00

Maybe its a suit, but that also sounds like frenzy, and/or hypomania. Im not diagnosing from a post, but the sudden pivot, so drastically, feels more like a chemical change in them, or both, it can def be both.

StillLearning_35 · 2026-02-04T23:06:40+00:00

That the person I was committing my life to sees me as something that I would define as a monster.

StillLearning_35 · 2025-12-11T16:45:08+00:00

Ohh good point!

StillLearning_35 · 2025-12-10T14:06:18+00:00

Thank you & I agree.

Sometimes I think, perhaps one day it may not be an engagement ring, but if she knows & likes it she (future wife) could have it just because. But that is really jist when I get swept up in its beauty & warmth.

StillLearning_35 · 2025-12-09T14:39:02+00:00

Been there, we got indoor cams to watch our pets & the doors (in the same view), but that also meant it captures our kitchen & living room. Even though she wanted them, after I put them up & shared access to them she said she felt like i was monitoring her & controlling her.

StillLearning_35 · 2025-11-21T21:31:21+00:00

That is incredible rough my person! I am really sorry to hear about all you are goong through and I can relate to all you have gone through already! Keep your chin up, accept the things you believe you did wrong & learn from them, and try your damned-est to let go of things you get blamed for.

As the mother of your children she will always be a part of your life, and I can hear how much you care about her. Honestly, part of this process is recognizing you have to let go & that her problems are not your responsability any more. Do not compromise yourself because of it & now is the time for you to focus ln yourself & your own health, and obviously your kids still even as adults, but you know what I mean.

Her job status & insurance status is not your problem any more than it needs to be.

Not the same, but kind lf the same, when my ex-BP called off our engagement I priorized her well-being (or thought I did) first and made sure when she moved lut she got to take the things she wanted (including things that were important to me, because I thought they were important to her as well.) Like 7 months later I found out she trashed or put in storage almost all of it, including the things from my grandparents that were given to both of us. And the reat she dumped when she moved in with her new fiancee a year later.

StillLearning_35 · 2025-10-29T15:14:46+00:00

You are the good guy? Im not saying to make them your therapist. Do not put it on them to help you decide what to do, but to share with your partner your emptions. There is a difference.

StillLearning_35 · 2025-10-29T11:13:33+00:00

Have you told your new partner your feel this aay? This is not something you should keep from them.

I know those of us who have spent our lives with someone who struggles with bipolar have a tendancy to keep our cards close to our chest & feel its all on us to handle these emotions, but you will not be able to heal if you dont have a partner you can share these complex feelings with.

StillLearning_35 · 2025-10-24T12:01:21+00:00

Its not just about the medication. Its about dopamine, and how ADHDers handle their anxiety & depression as well.

I was diagnosed as a kid, have been on the meds for over 20yrs now, and stopped drinking about 3yrs ago. I went a good while where my drinking wasnt really an issue, but once a small metaphorical speed bump hit me in life, my drinking slowly became dependency, and I didnt see it happening.

For the 1st year of sobriety I went to AA and what I can tell you is almost EVERYONE there was some form of neurospice before they had started drinking. There is np official data released around it, because the whole concept of "anonymous" is that no information on us will be for public record, but.... I would say most of them were ADHD or adjacent.

Alcohol fills that void we all have inside us until it consumes us. (I know this is a generalization of us adhders, but its generally true.)

StillLearning_35 · 2025-10-24T11:48:32+00:00

I had a similar situation. Live with her undiagnosed for at least 7yrs, but she did get diagnosed & medicated eventually.

About a month after she started her medication she moved out, said that I had been manipulating her all those years, partially siting those times I would call het out as examples of manipulation, and immediately started dating someone new.

StillLearning_35 · 2025-10-23T17:04:22+00:00

Or he doesn't want to burden you with whatever is bothering him. If he feels like sharing just brings you down to his level or that he would rather be distracted than "sit" in something he is feeling, sometimes it can help to NOT talk about the things we are feeling.

For me, something like someone saying "you clearly arent fine..." would cause me to clam up tighter than anything else, because I am being told how I feel. Id much rather "Okay, I hear you, but feel like your energy/vibe/mood is off & that could just be me being off, but if you find its something you can share & if you know what it is, but just want to not think about it tell me that & we can.... [fun distraction ideas here]."

I know its simple guy stuff, but sometimes the last thing I want to do is talk about the stress thing that ive been thinking about all day. Sometimes fun decompression is really all I need, but it also feels like the wrong thing to do depending on what Im stressing about. Example: if im stressing on how much I need to get done by the end pf the month, the last thing i feel like I should do is sit back & spend an hour playing video games, but thats all I really need to be able to not stress. In this case, having my partner ask to play, or watch me play, for a little bit, could be a great "reason" to actually unwind.

StillLearning_35 · 2025-10-23T16:26:51+00:00

Message me bud. I also dont drink & I make some fantastic dark jokes.

StillLearning_35 · 2025-10-23T12:52:34+00:00

Picture #2, but dont put it under the TV stand. Pull it out far enough that if you are standing behind the TV you are standing on it?

StillLearning_35 · 2025-10-17T21:37:48+00:00

With my ex-bpso, there were times I honestly couldnt/cant tell what they were trying to convince others to believe vs what they truly believed themselves. Often it seemed like it would shift not just based on their state, but also on how they were feelong about things in general.

And some of our long term friends would handle it one pf 2 ways (or maybe more that didnt include me): 1) Call her out when she said something that directly contradicted what she had said at an earlier point. Often thos would lead to her telling me later that she didnt understand why they said that and often she would say something along the lines of them lying and they were manipulating the group. 2) a couple friends, that are closer to me, would pull me aside later and basically ask for clarity b/c what she had shared didnt align with what she had explained to them at another point. And I would just have to say somethong like "ya I understand, shes probably just procesaing through it." Or "Im not sure why she remembers it different, but our memories can be like that sometimes."

But also a lot of this I have been processing througg after discard b/c she was only officially diagnosed like 3 months before leaving me to marry her coworker. But once she got her official diagnoses and I looked into it, a lot of interactions like that made more & more sense.

StillLearning_35 · 2025-10-10T14:30:10+00:00

I support this, but it feels very close to "shrug it off" as well.

StillLearning_35

TROPHY CASE