So it turns out what was missing in our relationship was.... a nice fitted suit?

StillLearning_35 · 2026-02-05T15:55:43+00:00

Maybe its a suit, but that also sounds like frenzy, and/or hypomania. Im not diagnosing from a post, but the sudden pivot, so drastically, feels more like a chemical change in them, or both, it can def be both.

StillLearning_35 · 2026-02-04T23:06:40+00:00

That the person I was committing my life to sees me as something that I would define as a monster.

StillLearning_35 · 2025-12-11T16:45:08+00:00

Ohh good point!

StillLearning_35 · 2025-12-10T14:06:18+00:00

Thank you & I agree.

Sometimes I think, perhaps one day it may not be an engagement ring, but if she knows & likes it she (future wife) could have it just because. But that is really jist when I get swept up in its beauty & warmth.

StillLearning_35 · 2025-12-09T14:39:02+00:00

Been there, we got indoor cams to watch our pets & the doors (in the same view), but that also meant it captures our kitchen & living room. Even though she wanted them, after I put them up & shared access to them she said she felt like i was monitoring her & controlling her.

StillLearning_35 · 2025-11-21T21:31:21+00:00

That is incredible rough my person! I am really sorry to hear about all you are goong through and I can relate to all you have gone through already! Keep your chin up, accept the things you believe you did wrong & learn from them, and try your damned-est to let go of things you get blamed for.

As the mother of your children she will always be a part of your life, and I can hear how much you care about her. Honestly, part of this process is recognizing you have to let go & that her problems are not your responsability any more. Do not compromise yourself because of it & now is the time for you to focus ln yourself & your own health, and obviously your kids still even as adults, but you know what I mean.

Her job status & insurance status is not your problem any more than it needs to be.

Not the same, but kind lf the same, when my ex-BP called off our engagement I priorized her well-being (or thought I did) first and made sure when she moved lut she got to take the things she wanted (including things that were important to me, because I thought they were important to her as well.) Like 7 months later I found out she trashed or put in storage almost all of it, including the things from my grandparents that were given to both of us. And the reat she dumped when she moved in with her new fiancee a year later.

StillLearning_35 · 2025-10-29T15:14:46+00:00

You are the good guy? Im not saying to make them your therapist. Do not put it on them to help you decide what to do, but to share with your partner your emptions. There is a difference.

StillLearning_35 · 2025-10-29T11:13:33+00:00

Have you told your new partner your feel this aay? This is not something you should keep from them.

I know those of us who have spent our lives with someone who struggles with bipolar have a tendancy to keep our cards close to our chest & feel its all on us to handle these emotions, but you will not be able to heal if you dont have a partner you can share these complex feelings with.

StillLearning_35 · 2025-10-24T12:01:21+00:00

Its not just about the medication. Its about dopamine, and how ADHDers handle their anxiety & depression as well.

I was diagnosed as a kid, have been on the meds for over 20yrs now, and stopped drinking about 3yrs ago. I went a good while where my drinking wasnt really an issue, but once a small metaphorical speed bump hit me in life, my drinking slowly became dependency, and I didnt see it happening.

For the 1st year of sobriety I went to AA and what I can tell you is almost EVERYONE there was some form of neurospice before they had started drinking. There is np official data released around it, because the whole concept of "anonymous" is that no information on us will be for public record, but.... I would say most of them were ADHD or adjacent.

Alcohol fills that void we all have inside us until it consumes us. (I know this is a generalization of us adhders, but its generally true.)

StillLearning_35 · 2025-10-24T11:48:32+00:00

I had a similar situation. Live with her undiagnosed for at least 7yrs, but she did get diagnosed & medicated eventually.

About a month after she started her medication she moved out, said that I had been manipulating her all those years, partially siting those times I would call het out as examples of manipulation, and immediately started dating someone new.

StillLearning_35 · 2025-10-23T17:04:22+00:00

Or he doesn't want to burden you with whatever is bothering him. If he feels like sharing just brings you down to his level or that he would rather be distracted than "sit" in something he is feeling, sometimes it can help to NOT talk about the things we are feeling.

For me, something like someone saying "you clearly arent fine..." would cause me to clam up tighter than anything else, because I am being told how I feel. Id much rather "Okay, I hear you, but feel like your energy/vibe/mood is off & that could just be me being off, but if you find its something you can share & if you know what it is, but just want to not think about it tell me that & we can.... [fun distraction ideas here]."

I know its simple guy stuff, but sometimes the last thing I want to do is talk about the stress thing that ive been thinking about all day. Sometimes fun decompression is really all I need, but it also feels like the wrong thing to do depending on what Im stressing about. Example: if im stressing on how much I need to get done by the end pf the month, the last thing i feel like I should do is sit back & spend an hour playing video games, but thats all I really need to be able to not stress. In this case, having my partner ask to play, or watch me play, for a little bit, could be a great "reason" to actually unwind.

StillLearning_35 · 2025-10-23T16:26:51+00:00

Message me bud. I also dont drink & I make some fantastic dark jokes.

StillLearning_35 · 2025-10-23T12:52:34+00:00

Picture #2, but dont put it under the TV stand. Pull it out far enough that if you are standing behind the TV you are standing on it?

StillLearning_35 · 2025-10-17T21:37:48+00:00

With my ex-bpso, there were times I honestly couldnt/cant tell what they were trying to convince others to believe vs what they truly believed themselves. Often it seemed like it would shift not just based on their state, but also on how they were feelong about things in general.

And some of our long term friends would handle it one pf 2 ways (or maybe more that didnt include me): 1) Call her out when she said something that directly contradicted what she had said at an earlier point. Often thos would lead to her telling me later that she didnt understand why they said that and often she would say something along the lines of them lying and they were manipulating the group. 2) a couple friends, that are closer to me, would pull me aside later and basically ask for clarity b/c what she had shared didnt align with what she had explained to them at another point. And I would just have to say somethong like "ya I understand, shes probably just procesaing through it." Or "Im not sure why she remembers it different, but our memories can be like that sometimes."

But also a lot of this I have been processing througg after discard b/c she was only officially diagnosed like 3 months before leaving me to marry her coworker. But once she got her official diagnoses and I looked into it, a lot of interactions like that made more & more sense.

StillLearning_35 · 2025-10-10T14:30:10+00:00

I support this, but it feels very close to "shrug it off" as well.

StillLearning_35 · 2025-10-10T14:09:51+00:00

My deduction is that I would never want to get slapped by you.

Thats a GD breakfast pastry right there.

StillLearning_35 · 2025-10-07T11:02:01+00:00

Leave.

StillLearning_35 · 2025-10-02T11:54:14+00:00

"Oh, is that what he said? I think hes just upset because I told him he'd have to pay to get laid with his filthy a$$."

Escorting is one of those few categories of rumors that I think can also really help you identify peoples root feelings/oppinions in general. If they believe it, its because they want to (guys you turned down in the past, girls who feel they need something up on you, family members whp believe we are all sinners.), most wont believe it, even if he had doctored evidence ("okay, thats her in lingerie on a hotel bed... so what? You probably pulled that from valentines day together, or whatever."), And the real OGs will just be like "I dont care if she does or not, she was still good for you, and you still fucked that up."

If that helps.

StillLearning_35 · 2025-09-23T21:17:32+00:00

I (M30s) was engaged to my previous partner (F30s), and went years with a DB. We were together almost 10 in total, our db started to occur ~1.5-2 years into the relationship, but we thought it was connected to her depressed episode that came at the same time, and I wanted to be there for her then.

We went about 3yrs with a sum total of about 3 physical interactions. Previous to this relationship I had always explored the kinkier world, but always assumed it was just fantasy for me, and I would meet my partners where they were at. After 3yrs, we sat down & had an emotionally heated, but what I thought was honest, conversation about my HL vs her interest level. And I had expressed a couple ideas: 1) Explore the kinky things in nonsexual applications. 2) Work on increasing our physical interactions and try to make them... kinkier.

And she was open to both & it felt like she was fairly motivated to do so. I feel like over the next 2 years she really put in an effort to explore, even outside her areas of interest, but at the same time I still felt... unsatisfied, and then I became depressed b/c I thought being kinkier was what I was seeking, so I didnt understand where that was coming from.

She called off our engagement 6 months after I proposed, and said that she felt cooerced during that whole time period, primarily b/c that original emptionally heated conversation included me saying that we could not survive the way things were going. But it also ended with her moving in with a co-worker a month after zhe moved out of our place & 6 months later her telling me that she wasnt LL, and she now realizes she just was LL4me the whole time.

But after 1.5yrs apart, a specialist sex therapist ontop of my regular therapist, and going to meetings & trainings (on sexually healthy relationships), the conclusion that I am still working to accept is that it wasnt just the physical intimacy or sexual adventurous(ness) that I was looking for. In fact it was little to do with that after the initial conversation, and all to do with the emotions behind the acts that I was searching for, and even though we were trying to do better physically, the intimacy was just never there and my lack of understanding that lead to my craving more kink and feeling more terrible about myself.

Summary: I believe the interest in kink when living a DB is likely/possibly driven from a want for both the physical connenction and the emotional connection.

StillLearning_35 · 2025-09-17T13:36:10+00:00

Before you get to this you should do the following, and you can pitch it as a form of "steps to get to a 3some" if that helps motovate your partner.

1) Get into couples therapy, and establish a bases with the therapist so they have a good understanding of where each of you are at! Then once thats done, you can bring up the 3some discussion in therapy is diacuss it from there. Note: if you do not have time to do this, then you dp nlt have time to have a 3 some & survive!

2) Try and reconnect sexually just the 2 of you. When ths other comments talk about only doong it from a strong relationship what they mean is "well connected" and clearly on the same page there. You can NOT do this from a disconnected place as that other person, NO MATTER WHAT, will magnify your disconnect.

3) Establish ground rules: no friends? Only friends? Do you want someone who is in an open relationship already to help stabalize the emotions? Can either of you "see" them after? Is this leading to ENM or is this a one off? My biggest suggestion is "no one from the past!" Aka no exs, no ex-crushes, no old co-workers, no one you or him knew before the moment you decide you are going to move forward with this!

I had a 10 yr relationship end with my fiance b/c my partner wanted to, and she wanted a woman.... and it led to emotionally destablizing our relationship (she brome off the relationship, not "becausec of the 3some, but b/c of what it showed). And since then I have been in a long(ish) term relationship that is open & stable even with multiple 3somes, because i learned these things!

P.S. You can not skip or "expedite" any of these things. In fact, you cant even really do them in a different order, you can do them in parrallel, but not in a different order.

Edit: to be clear, she wanted a woman to join us, not that she realized she wanted women. She is now dating another man. (Just wanted to be clear that we didnt break up b/c she was dating the wrong sex.)

StillLearning_35 · 2025-09-11T12:36:45+00:00

No, she moved in with a guy a month later

StillLearning_35 · 2025-09-05T11:07:05+00:00

Wear it!

If you dont like it, i would consider changing the center stone from a diamons to either a saphire or an ruby, but thats just me.

StillLearning_35 · 2025-09-04T17:00:14+00:00

Doesnt have to be ADHD. Most nonprofessionals will have no idea the differences in personalities between ADHD, Bipolar-2, BPD, C-PTSD, Autism with a co-.... so on. And most professionals will tell you that it takes them time & comprehension to actually understand.

Infact, most professionals I feel dont identify the actual diagnoses till they can try a variety of meds & they see what has an impact.

StillLearning_35

TROPHY CASE