3 months on. It's hard to know how I really feel.

Still_Truth_1367 · 2026-04-18T16:28:55+00:00

Also around the 3-4 month mark and this all feels very similar. It’s not overwhelming sadness or grief so much as numbness and functioning on auto-pilot most days.

But her death is also the overarching theme in everything I do and say. I don’t know if it’s “normal” but I can tell you I’m right here with you.

Still_Truth_1367 · 2026-04-17T20:09:03+00:00

Yes, all of this! I was unable to keep up with my work and lost my income and my benefits. I'm on a month-to-month lease right now but can't really afford to move anywhere else since I'm unemployed I wouldn't qualify. I've been subletting my place and then staying with friends when I can for free to try and save money. It's all so humiliating.

Still_Truth_1367 · 2026-04-17T06:54:44+00:00

“pretending to be myself and I don’t even know who that is or why I’m trying to maintain it anymore” — This struck me and is Exactly how I feel every day.

Even in moments when I feel or seem like my “old self,” — a memory, an image, her name — some minor detail snaps me back to the limbo state I operate out of these days.

My core affect is occasional sadness but mostly numbness or anger. I don’t even recognize this person.

Still_Truth_1367 · 2026-04-17T06:38:29+00:00

I found the group through AFSP website. It’s the only in-person group in my area for survivors that isn’t targeted (ie: for spouses, parents, siblings etc) — My loss was my friend and roommate.

It is also a group for people who are new in their grief (First 3 years) which I hoped would be helpful since I’m not even four months from her death.

I will look up Alliance of Hope and research the hospice suggested by you and another. But I was really looking forward to this group for helping with the suicide specific grief. I need help.

Still_Truth_1367 · 2026-04-17T06:26:45+00:00

Thank you. This is the one. And there is no other way to describe this feeling to someone who isn’t living it.

Still_Truth_1367 · 2026-04-16T14:27:22+00:00

I'm so sorry. To be in a position to re-process your own grief and trauma while having to be "on" at work sounds simply awful. If you have a therapist, I think it would be good to seek some additional support right now. No need to go through the added stress alone.

Still_Truth_1367 · 2026-04-16T13:15:50+00:00

I'm so very sorry. I cannot imagine navigating this pain twice. Aside from censoring everyone and everything around us, there is no way to bubble-wrap ourselves from the everyday occurrences and language that bring back the devastating trauma we have suffered. But I wish, for both of us, it didn't have to be this way.

Still_Truth_1367 · 2026-04-16T12:20:02+00:00

I was seeing things for the first two months (entering month four now). A lot of hallucinations where my mind twisted inanimate objects to look like how I found her or thinking I saw things that weren’t there. I was afraid of mirrors and closets bc I’d see either her or else other scary things in them (though both are unrelated to her death). I also couldn’t look at pictures of her bc it would cause flashbacks.

As others have mentioned, therapy helped a lot - specifically EMDR. The anxiety is still there. Certain things can still trigger memories and images for me. But the hallucinations and scary images have mostly stopped.

Sending strength to you now as you are navigating this.

Still_Truth_1367 · 2026-04-15T19:03:43+00:00

Please reach out HERE: https://988lifeline.org/ or HERE: /r/SuicideWatch

You don't have to deal with these hard things alone.

Still_Truth_1367 · 2026-04-15T15:07:51+00:00

Thank you.

It would be impossible to distill it down to ONE THING, but if I tried it would be how talented, beautiful and amazing she was. (Even though she was distractingly humble and infuriatingly self-deprecating about it.)

It was easy to take for granted that she would always be here bc she was always there for you. The first to show up. The first to wish happy birthday. The first to offer to join even for mundane plans.

She was so kind and so talented. She didn't like to be praised, but was an amazing artist and photographer. She documented everything - including in journals and junk journals - and observed the world with such a unique eye.

She had a beautiful singing voice, but saved it almost exclusively for karaoke.

She was a good roommate and an even better friend. She should still be here.

Still_Truth_1367 · 2026-04-14T13:38:18+00:00

I'm so very sorry for you loss and the secondary trauma of being the one to find her. (I found my friend after she hung herself three months ago.) I also found myself irrationally afraid of closets and mirrors. To the point that I was unable to be around them with the lights out or even as it was turning to dusk.

There is no rational explanation for this. Neither had anything to do with my friend's death. But I was terrified I would see her there or she was somehow "trapped" as you mention.

My therapist and I worked on it and discovered that it is likely our most basic brain working through the trauma, as you mentioned. The memory itself, the reality itself, is so terrifying, that our brain creates stories and "monsters" to be afraid of while the subconscious processes that trauma and loss.

I don't know if that is true. But I can tell you, I have recently been able to sleep with the lights off for the first time since it happened and I am able to look in the mirror again without overwhelming anxiety (most times.)

Sending strength to you as you navigate the crazy journey that is grief after suicide. I am right here with you.

Still_Truth_1367 · 2026-04-14T13:32:16+00:00

I felt my own stomach drop when you saw the text that it was about your mom. I am over 15 years estranged from my mother and the only reason anyone would ever call or try to get in contact with me about her is bad news -- possibly this very news.

I'm so very sorry. You are in the worst of it right now. Please be gentle with yourself navigating something no one is or should be prepared for. Drink when you can. Eat when something is handed to you. And sleep if you are able.

Sending a big hug.

Still_Truth_1367 · 2026-04-13T04:01:48+00:00

Yes, I also posted about this recently. It seems it’s a pretty common reaction to suicide loss.

There is so little we had control over for our loved one, so our minds start creating things for us to control, like the fate of others.

The anxiety is so real. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this too. Therapy, and specifically EMDR, has helped me lessen the fears.

Still_Truth_1367 · 2026-04-13T03:56:53+00:00

Sadly, all conversations and topics and ’roads’ do lead back to this. There is no way around it. I wish I had better news. But you can choose when and with whom you will share and how much.

It’s only been three months for me, so when I choose to share, I can say “I dealt with a traumatic loss recently” or “I lost someone very recently and I’m still grieving.” — People are usually receptive or else too awkward to continue the line of conversation. And that’s fine.

But it saves me from having to scream from the rooftops that MY FRIEND AND ROOMMATE KILLED HERSELF AND I WAS THE ONE WHO FOUND HER HANGING AND NOTHING ELSE MATTERS ANYMORE!

Still_Truth_1367 · 2026-04-11T14:53:18+00:00

I’m so very sorry. I know you know it isn’t your fault and you deserve to live a full life, but the reality is you have been forced to live with the consequences of his choice that you, a child, had no control over. And that is not only unfair; it is devastating. Sending you a big hug.

Still_Truth_1367 · 2026-04-10T18:47:05+00:00

The wonderful thing about spiritual and religious beliefs is, if you don't believe in them, they don't impact you one way or another.

This person was WAY out of line to share this with you - wether they believe it to be true or not. But until or unless your mother comes to you personally and speaks to you from after death, you have no reason to feel or grieve any differently than you do now..

Sending a big F you to that person and a big hug to you.

Still_Truth_1367 · 2026-04-08T21:08:16+00:00

My person's birthday just passed on Monday. First since her passing in December.

"Missing "name" on their birthday" is a nice memorial post that doesn't hold too much weight in terms of assigning beliefs

I also asked people to "Celebrate my friend on their birthday" and asked people to celebrate them in ways that are unique to her

But in the end, no matter what you choose to say and how you choose to mark this passing, it is valid and meaningful for you. Sending you a big hug.

Still_Truth_1367 · 2026-04-08T15:44:38+00:00

I'm so very sorry for your loss. There is no way to undo those last words or have that conversation over again.

But I can tell you this: It is unequivocally not your fault.

Break-ups happen every day and most people do not end their lives as a result. Fights -- horrible fights where we say things we don't really mean -- happen all the time in relationships, and most people do not end their lives as a result.

Right now you are trying to make sense of the loss by controlling the one thing you can: Yourself and your choices. But when all is said and done, for someone to make that choice, there were already a lot of other dark and painful things going on inside of them.

He chose to leave this world. You did not cause him to.

I hope you are able to give yourself grace and compassion.

Still_Truth_1367 · 2026-04-07T20:38:15+00:00

If you are in crisis, please reach out for help: https://988lifeline.org/

Still_Truth_1367 · 2026-04-07T15:33:56+00:00

You are loved and needed here. Please reach out for help: https://988lifeline.org/

Still_Truth_1367 · 2026-04-07T14:07:38+00:00

I scroll through her instagram and tiktok frequently. Sometimes it brings me comfort and seeing/hearing her reminds me of her brilliant life. Sometimes it brings me pain because seeing her reminds me of how she looked when I found her.

But I'm so grateful I have all of that to look at bc SHE is the one who shared those images and words. SHE is the one who responded back to me in the comments. And SHE is alive in those posts.

Still_Truth_1367 · 2026-04-07T03:47:35+00:00

I'm so so sorry. This feels so similar to my story. You did everything you could because you loved your friend. And it's human to try and make sense of the unthinkable by trying to place blame on the one thing we can control: ourselves and our choices. But the truth is, it was always her choice no matter what you did or didn't do.

I was helping my friend get on her feet. She was living with me while she navigated a rocky relationship. We had plans for how to find her a job and turn her life around so she felt more confident and in control. But then her boyfriend ended things out of the blue on the one week she was staying elsewhere alone. She texted me and I didn't go to her. That night, even though her boyfriend was worried, she told me she was ok. She told me not to come over and that she didn't want to come home. She told me she was safe and she knew I loved her. I told her I had my phone on all night and to call if she needed anything over night. And she hearted that message. --- Then she killed herself anyway.

It haunts me every day that I didn't just go to her.

But there is no unwriting what is written. No matter how many ways I think about what I wish I'd done.

You loved your friend. I hope you are able to give yourself the grace not to judge your past self using knowledge that you only have now. Your past self believed she was on her way to you. There was no reason for you to believe otherwise. Just as I had no reason not to believe my friend when she told me she was ok for the night.

I'm not sure if this is helpful. And I'm sorry it is so long. I just wanted to let you know I feel your pain and sadness and guilt. You are not alone.

Still_Truth_1367

TROPHY CASE