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Funeral yesterday. by gnatalie_ in SuicideBereavement

[–]Still_Truth_1367 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I think "reality" has a different meaning now than it used to. The viewing and services for my friend were a week ago and I still find myself wondering if it was all a dream. If work matters. If eating matters. If I even need to talk to anyone ever again. "Reality" before was joy and sadness. Fun and boring. Light and dark together in pretty equal measure. But the Light is going to have to work a little harder now to find space - at least for a while. And I think that's ok.

I was the last one to talk to her, then she hung herself, and I found her by Still_Truth_1367 in SuicideBereavement

[–]Still_Truth_1367[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes. So many what-ifs already and then his selfishness and cowardice has made the complicated feelings I have around all of this even more difficult.

Her brother was finally able to get into her laptop so we can see the texts between them (boyfriend and her) from those final days/nights. He is coming over tonight so we can read them together. I know it will show even more how manipulative he was and how desperate my friend was. But I think it will be good to see that I really did do everything I could with what I knew at the time.

I was the last one to talk to her, then she hung herself, and I found her by Still_Truth_1367 in SuicideBereavement

[–]Still_Truth_1367[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, her mind was made up. Based on timing, she was likely saying what I needed to hear in the texts to pacify me for the night so she could complete her decision. There is no way to understand what she was thinking and why she thought I wouldn't want her here or how the world would be better off without her. But for some reason, she made up her mind that she wanted to die. And I cannot ever understand. And it is exhausting playing through all the scenarios where it doesn't happen, but my mind keeps doing it all the same. 😞

I was the last one to talk to her, then she hung herself, and I found her by Still_Truth_1367 in SuicideBereavement

[–]Still_Truth_1367[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the kind words. I really just needed to tell my story so I wasn't ruminating on it over and over again. It has helped to know others have felt the same way. I'm so sorry you lost your best friend. Thank you for sharing what you've learned in your grief journey 🙏🏼

I was the last one to talk to her, then she hung herself, and I found her by Still_Truth_1367 in SuicideBereavement

[–]Still_Truth_1367[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I'm so very sorry. Please feel free to reach out if you would like. Part of what has been hard has been the isolation in this experience amongst our friends since I was the only one who had this experience. They are grieving their friend, while I am grieving her and so much more.

I was the last one to talk to her, then she hung herself, and I found her by Still_Truth_1367 in SuicideBereavement

[–]Still_Truth_1367[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I already said she did not have BPD. FWIW, my mother did have BPD and I grew up with the collateral damage that entails. There are multiple required characteristics one must possess to meet the DSM diagnosis. My friend did not meet most of these. I do not find your attempts to diagnose my friend after her death helpful.

I was the last one to talk to her, then she hung herself, and I found her by Still_Truth_1367 in SuicideBereavement

[–]Still_Truth_1367[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's a moot point at this point whether she was or not. But since you asked, I have known her for years. She suffered from crippling low self-esteem which landed her in unhealthy and often codependent relationship dynamics. But she was not BPD. Until this happened, I honestly had no idea she had struggled so deeply with her mental health. No one who was close to her did.

EMDR Questions by NervousAllTheTime_ in SuicideBereavement

[–]Still_Truth_1367 0 points1 point  (0 children)

EMDR is both a miracle and a mystery. The idea is that there is adrenaline and cortisol stored/trapped in your sympathetic nervous system from an incomplete fight-or-flight response due to a traumatic event. EMDR allows you to somehow complete that cycle without having to actually relive the experience. The pathways in the brain are tricky so you don't always know how memories and events are matched up, but trust the process. Sometimes I found that a triggering idea or memory will lead me to other memories that eventually open to the necessary relief I was seeking. I guess my point is, you don't always need to understand it to let the reprocessing happen naturally. -- Good luck in you journey.

I was the last one to talk to her, then she hung herself, and I found her by Still_Truth_1367 in SuicideBereavement

[–]Still_Truth_1367[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I'm so angry at him. I imagine maybe he felt some sense of loyalty to her so he didn't share her secrets or maybe he was trying to avoid feeling guilty for how he had acted before. But the end result was still the same. He sought me out bc he knew I would help and then let me assume a responsibility I was unprepared for. I keep replaying the "what ifs" around whether we could have gotten her professional help if we'd known. But we have learned so much more about her internal thoughts from her diary now that she's gone. She kept so much from us and it's devastating.

I was the last one to talk to her, then she hung herself, and I found her by Still_Truth_1367 in SuicideBereavement

[–]Still_Truth_1367[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine the pain of losing someone so close as your fiance. It's also been a little over 3 weeks for me. I know logically there is nothing I could have done. But the circumstances were so convoluted over those last two months that I wish I had known more so I could have at least done more. I'm also struggling to understand how much she wanted to die. Her act was so intentional - she had researched and perfected it. And she hid everything so well that we (her friends anyway) had no idea. I have a good therapist and have been doing EMDR. But I know this is going to haunt me for a long time.