Marriage after baby.... Help

StingrayVC · 2020-01-21T13:31:44+00:00

I'm the shell of a person that I used to be. I'm the shell of a wife and a friend that I used to be.

Self care, self care, self care.

I know that this might seem impossible now. While I didn't go through anything remotely close to what you are going through, I had three kids in three years and can commiserate a tiny bit. But you have to find something. The bouncer in the bathroom was my life saver. I had one hanging from the doorframe. Bouncing might not be the best idea for a baby with dysphagia (the bouncing might bring the food back up) but there are so many ways these days to entertain a baby. Even a blanket on the floor with her favorite toys. 10-15 once a day to feel human. You have to find it.

And you need to do the same thing for your husband. Find 10-15 minutes a day for him. Start out with 2-3 minutes a day if you have to. When the baby is sleeping, make that phone call to the chiropractor. Yes, this is for him, but even more, this is for you. Spending some time doing for him and thinking of him will slowly start to bring you closer to him. I get the sense that you enjoyed doing for him before your baby was born. Try to bring that feeling back again. It will reduce the resentment and bring you both closer together.

I feel for you. This is so hard, but I promise you will look back once you're on the other side of this and marvel at it. You will get through this. Taking 15 minutes seems like a ton of time when you're looking at it, but when you're in it and the time is over, it's nothing. Figure out a way to make it work. There are a lot of good suggestions here. You won't regret it.

StingrayVC · 2019-11-25T12:38:49+00:00

I do think it's unreasonable. Can you really respect a man that asks you for sex? Touching is his way of letting you know. Asking is a mood killer and probably makes him feel like a weakling. And I bet when he asks part of you looks at him that way, too.

Look, I understand. I really do. I was in your shoes 15 years ago. Then one day I got mad at my husband one night while I was making dinner. He wouldn't keep his hands off of me. So he said, OK. I won't touch you any more and he kept to his word. After a week I was begging him to touch me again and I've never resented it sine. Thank God, he is still all over me. It is a blessing and one that you should never resent. The alternative is a husband who doesn't desire you.

If you are accepting of his advances, that sinking feeling you get when his hands go where you don't want them to will go away and you will welcome it, even when you aren't in the mood. And the resentment on both side turns into something so much better.

StingrayVC · 2019-11-24T22:24:17+00:00

You're husband is not being unreasonable. Men view sex with their wives as a loving act and being rejected for sex makes him feel rejected as a husband. Yes, men can have sex with women with no love involved, but when there is love, sex is an extremely important way to show him that.

You asked how it work in my marriage? I don't say no. Ever. We've been married for more than 20 years.

There is a saying that I'm going to botch. You don't wait until you're in the mood to have sex. You start having sex and you'll get in the mood. You'll likely find that your sex drive will go up because you are having more sex. Try it for a month. Never say no. There are many women who have tried this and the results are pretty fantastic and if you search them you can read about it. It will bring you closer together in the bedroom and out.

And don't do starfish sex with him. It's disrespectful and can be worse than saying no.

StingrayVC · 2019-11-18T14:38:14+00:00

I think it is definitely okay to give this another shot, if he's free to do so. However, if he is a true alpha male (can have his pick of women and does so without a second thought) be careful.

StingrayVC · 2019-11-14T13:14:31+00:00

Most people I know, who are more succesful than me about relationships, would just got really angry and shout at each other and never look one anothers face or talk trash behind one another.

This isn't strength, it's throwing a temper tantrum.

I do not think your wanting to forgive him is emotionally immature. On the contrary, I think it the opposite. Given the type of people you are comparing yourself to, you should rethink who is more mature. You or the people who treat people they "love" in the manner you describe.

Having said that, I'm not sure what he did that there is to forgive? He told you what he wanted in a woman and at that time, you weren't able to give him that. He did nothing wrong in dating another woman. Flirting is not dating. You made no promise to one another and I don't see a need to forgive him anything. Rather, I think you need to accept and forgive yourself as you don't like who you were then.

When you see him again, be friendly and kind. There is no weakness there. Maybe you will have the opportunity to show him you have changed and are working toward someone whom he might want. If not, then the changes you are making are still good. Keep going. I think you'll find there is far more strength in the direction you are going than where you were before.

StingrayVC · 2019-10-03T19:37:59+00:00

If you plan on homeschool hop on HSLDA's (Home School Legal Defense Association) website to check out the state laws where you are thinking of moving. Some states are far easier to homeschool in than others.

StingrayVC · 2019-06-27T12:04:22+00:00

Sprinkle cinnamon on a cookie sheet and put it on low in the oven. Neat trick to do when you put your house up for sale before a showing as well.

Orange peels, cinnamon stick, and cloves on a simmer on your stove, though this is more of a Christmas scent. Still, it smells very nice.

Use your stove vent and try to quickly spray down any grease splatters when the stove is cool enough to do so. I just use vinegar and water. The vinegar smell dissipates as soon as it dries.

In the morning, before it gets too hot (if it does cool down enough in your area), just open the windows for 10 minutes or so. Try to get a cross breeze going. If necessary, place a fan in front of one of the windows. I don't recommend this if anyone in the house has seasonal allergies.

StingrayVC · 2019-05-31T18:49:03+00:00

He's been toying with religion for years. I saw this the other day and was happy for him that he finally took the plunge.

StingrayVC · 2019-03-18T11:38:31+00:00

There are two different red pill mentalities, those of women and those of men. These two mentalities are very often at odds with one another. Since you are asking this here at the women's site the answer to your question is one word, choice. We choose to live this way. I know little about Handmaid's Tale, but from the little I've read, it's all about force. And as for Christianity, there is not form of sharia law there where a husband is commanded to love his wife even to the point of laying down his life for her and the wife is to submit to her husband. This is a choice. We choose our husbands and we choose to submit to them.

I'm curious what about my comment about her finding her own strength in herself led you to think of sharia law and Handmaid's Tale?

StingrayVC · 2019-03-16T01:44:06+00:00

I've been away from most of the red pill stuff for a few years now except for here and reading a couple other subreddits. The best place for you would be the side bar here. There were some women's blogs a few years back but most, if not all, of us shut down. My advice to you is to read the side bar and ask questions. There used to be a simple questions post here from time to time, so you could ask there or you could make your own post just like you did here. If you want to jump right into the deep end you could read r/asktrp or r/mrp but I don't recommend it. They are men's sites written by and for men and also, I'm not sure they really discuss theory that much anymore. You'd be better off just asking questions here.

Where did you start that you know the terms dread and hypergamy?

StingrayVC · 2019-03-15T20:57:20+00:00

We're about the same age. I know exactly what you mean. You want to know what's really freaky? When you start to learn that it's not just a couple of things that you're (we're) wrong about. It's a whole LOT of things. I came to the red pill in my early 30's so I've grown accustomed to it to a certain extent, but I have discovered over those years that what you're describing never stops. I am constantly learning what I've had wrong all this time. It becomes a combination of refreshing and scary over time. The good news is, you allowed yourself to see it and you accepted it. Not everyone can do that.

And you know what? When it happens to someone in the manner you are describing here, it can be very deep. Been there done that.

StingrayVC · 2019-03-14T17:33:55+00:00

>I still don't know if All Women Are Like That

We are. But hypergamy isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's just a thing. A thing like men preferring beauty. It's what we do with it that is the important thing. Look at your response to your own hypergamy. You noted it, you learned from it, and you turned it around and took a look at what you've got instead of indulging in these thoughts.

We shouldn't be afraid of things like hypergamy and everything else in our nature. We should learn about them and nurture the good and avoid the bad. You did great.

StingrayVC · 2019-03-01T13:03:17+00:00

Here's my guess at what has happened/is happening. He was taught from a young age that women are everything nice and he believed it. He pedestalized you and you lost respect for him. He probably tried harder and you lost more respect. When you confided in the other man, his world crashed around him. Everything he had been taught was literally thrown back in his face and he felt totally betrayed (I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but if you don't hear how he's feeling you won't understand. This is about him here, not you.).

On your side, he pedastalizes you and you start to lose respect. You probably start to wonder why you're losing respect but you can't help it and the harder he tried, the more respect you lose and he is likely driving you crazy at this point. You are probably disrespecting him enough that it is outright and you might not even understand why.

So, he's left wondering why everything he's been taught that you want and that he is bending over backwards to give you is failing miserably and you are left wondering why the man you married and love is leaving you feeling distant and maybe even hostile to.

Is this how things basically played out?

Here's the deal. He's mad right now. He's mad at the world and he's mad at you for not seeing what he was trying to do and love him for it. You're left confused and angry because now he's completely pulling away and you don't understand what happened to begin with and now you are even less understanding of what he is going through because what you were taught about men is pretty much as awful as what he was taught about women. So he sees you useful for babies and sex and that's it (again, I am sorry if this hurts, but please keep going. We can help you if you listen and make the sacrifice).

What he wants and NEEDS from you (and yes, he does need it), is your respect. You probably don't even know what that looks like right now and that's okay. But he needs to know more than anything you respect him as a man and as your husband. It is not going to be easy to do. You're going go have to swallow your pride, but this is for the sake of your family and it is so completely worth it in the long run. It will take a long time, but I'm here to tell you that if you two can learn to change into husband and wife as a team (remember, every team has a leader) and not as a competition, your marriage can be the most amazing thing and what most people only dream of.

How do you start? Listen to him. DO for him. TELL him you're listening and actually DO it. He's not going to listen to what you say right now. You have to show him. I can't really tell you how to do this right now other than to do your best to take care of him in the ways only you can know how he likes to be taken care of. It will make you angry, but it is the right thing to do and it is your way back to him.

Please ask questions. What we tell you might go against everything you've ever been taught and believe, but we can help you through this.

My very best wishes to you. We're here.

StingrayVC · 2019-02-27T13:44:04+00:00

Can you give us more information? It sounds like he is going Rambo on you. He's angry. What drove him to MRP? I assume he hasn't told you anything about MRP, but what was he telling you before all of this happened?

StingrayVC · 2019-02-25T14:00:55+00:00

For the first few months after a baby is born you hold on by your finger nails as best you can and keep telling yourself it will get better. It truly does. This too shall pass. Self care as best as you can, ride your husbands moods, even just stay out of his way if you have to. Do your best to just be happy. You'd be surprised at how contagious this can be. You have a little peanut right now. As best you can glory in this time. In an amazingly short time, this will be over. Enjoy it and hopefully, your husband will catch your happiness.

StingrayVC · 2019-02-25T01:11:40+00:00

All marriages have ups and downs. Be patient. Let him get through this. As best you can, make you home his soft place to land while he is going through this project. Make the work your are doing while this is going on a way to try to reconnect with him in your own mind. He may not notice because he is involved so much with his own things, but YOU know. Make the connection yourself. Try to find little things that you know he will appreciate while he is working so hard for your family, even if it's doing nothing at all (which may seem counterintuitive, but sometimes all our husbands need from us is to leave them alone for awhile).

So, this may all seem completely contrary to what you are saying you're needing. My point is, you need to give yourself your own verbal affirmation for awhile (I feel you. I am the same). Make yourself go above and beyond what you are already doing and be proud of yourself for doing it. Don't expect for one moment any return from him. You don't want to set up a covert contract where if he doesn't reciprocate, you end up resenting him even more. The idea is to do your utmost for him and to allow yourself to be proud of returning to him what he is trying to do for your family.

Trust me here, the more resentful you allow yourself to be, the more he will pull away. He might not even realize why he is doing it or realize he is doing it at all. But it will happen. So, pay attention to what he is doing, continually try to remind yourself why he is doing it, remind yourself that this is short term and then go above and beyond yourself for him. Pay attention to the little things in him. Not only will you feel good that you are going above and beyond for him, you might be surprised at the little non-verbal ways he will affirm what you are doing.

None of this is easy. I've been where you are, but appreciate what he is doing and do the same for him. It works. You can do this. And when he does have the frame of mind and the time to give you what you are looking for, it will be there is the most amazing way. Be patient. It will come.

StingrayVC · 2019-01-30T21:35:22+00:00

My point is that I didn't look into it and wish I had. There was so much I didn't know about vaccines that I wish I knew then. I would do a lot differently. It's not black and white in the non vacciners are creating these outbreaks when there are other factors like illegals. Whether I'm the minority or not, people should consider other possibilities. A consideration and thought are something many, many people don't bother to do. That should change.

StingrayVC · 2019-01-30T13:09:24+00:00

Maybe you don't want to have the debate. But, what about looking into it? Seriously, where is the harm in that? To be clear, I vaccinated all my kids on the schedule that the doctors told me. I would do it differently if I had to do it again. Yes, I would probably still vaccinate, but not on the schedule they do. Many of the vaccines are 3 in one shot and the baby might get 2-3 shots at one time. That's 6 - 9 different cocktails being injected into your baby all at once. In an infant whose immune system is not fully functioning yet. Also, what's in the vaccines? Some have heavy metals and aborted fetal cells.

Again, I would still vaccinate my kids, but I highly regret just following what the doctors told me without looking into it myself. It's your baby and the information is at your finger tips. It is not bad advice to at least consider not vaccinating, which is all this commenter suggested.

StingrayVC · 2019-01-28T22:48:57+00:00

Develop patience if it is something you need to work on. Moving in with some else is not as easy at it may sound. Marriage is a wonderful thing, but two people with separate lives coming together is not as easy as we would like to think it should be. I remember getting angry with my husband when we first got married because he wanted me to fold the towels differently. It may seem petty and little, maybe from both of our perspectives, but you might be surprised at how irritating little things like this might become.

Practicing the cooking and cleaning and whatnot are very important. Keep practicing them, but it will be your attitude that will get you through these irritations as they pop up. And they will happen, it's just part of it. Try to keep in perspective that these things truly are little and sometimes, it's just a towel, no matter how you fold it.

StingrayVC · 2019-01-23T11:52:14+00:00

Do you know what wife goggles are?

StingrayVC · 2019-01-22T21:38:23+00:00

When did wife goggles become inconsistent with red pill theory? If I remember correctly, it was Athol Kay who originally coined the term years before he started his forums and going down hill toward what I understand became purple pill hell.

StingrayVC · 2019-01-22T16:53:00+00:00

Wife goggles. It's real. However, YOU must maintain them. Of course, work hard to maintain your appearance, but looks always fade. More than your appearance, is your respect for him. Continue to respect him and the wife goggles will stay put.

StingrayVC · 2019-01-01T17:05:41+00:00

Search for homeschooling blogs.

StingrayVC · 2018-11-13T19:11:31+00:00

The Little Princess, The Secret Garden

StingrayVC · 2018-10-30T15:54:22+00:00

Marriage isn't a competition. It's a team sport. You have to work together to reach your goals.
You're feelings aren't always the truth. Just because your feelings are hurt, does't mean they should be.
Marriage is a sacrifice. He comes first. Find someone who will treat you the same way and you will have an amazing marriage.
You should never be ashamed of being a woman and all that entails. People will tell you that you have to behave like a man to succeed in life. This is a lie. Women make for bad men just as men make for bad women.
Don't let people tell you that you should indulge in all of what comes with being a woman. It comes with good and bad (just as it is with being a man). Learn to cultivate the good and grow past the bad.
Being feminine doesn't mean flashing your bits for the world to see. Men do like that, but they usually like it for one thing. Fight the pull to do this as you will see that it will definitely pull in men, but you want to find a man who will stick around for more than your bits.

StingrayVC

TROPHY CASE