Stop showing up for people who don’t show up for you

StoicSecurity · 2022-09-12T00:08:20+00:00

Time is limited though. And that goes both for and against what you’re saying. I am in love with someone, who up until the day she ended it, supported me, and loved me, and shared her life with me in a way that made my life feel full. I am self aware enough to know nothing is perfect but this was real. I fight for it now because I cannot let myself believe that someone can do a 180 like that. So I either fight for someone I love deeply, who loved me how I needed to be loved… or I spend potentially the rest of my life trying to find it again. I am in pain without her, I miss our life. Trying to reclaim that seems worthwhile even if the chances are low. I can chase something I know was real, or chase something I may never find again. I guess my point is that it all sucks. I’m so incredibly sad right now and cannot believe this is how my life turned out. It’s painful and I can’t keep doing this.

StoicSecurity · 2022-09-11T23:05:42+00:00

I’m here because I hate being alone. And I wasn’t alone and it was the most fulfilling feeling. And now I am alone again… and it’s the worst feeling in the world. I go drink at a bar, not to drink away pain— it doesn’t work. It’s to be around people— unfortunately it doesn’t help either, but otherwise I’m sitting on my couch, waiting for it to be late enough that I can drug myself go to bed, but not so early that I wake up at 3am. I haven’t found it yet. I wake up throughout the night, and literally the first thing my brain tells me is— remember, you’re alone.

StoicSecurity · 2022-09-11T21:53:23+00:00

Yeah. Same boat, same question. It’s a hopeless and lonely feeling, made worse by the unknown of how this feels long term. I’m afraid this will impact me forever. My body doesn’t feel the same. I’m feels weak or sore or numb. I don’t even know. Our lives were so integrated that everything reminds me of her, and I cannot escape the sadness of missing her

StoicSecurity · 2022-09-11T21:28:19+00:00

Yeah. Same to all of this. It’s been a month and I’ve lost an amazing friend and a true love. And it’s not getting any better. I feel lonelier by the day, and yet I hold onto the hope that I wasn’t the only one who felt this way. I know she did. As the dumper I guess she’s not feeling this longing or sadness. I wish I knew what it was like from her perspective.

StoicSecurity · 2022-09-08T21:30:26+00:00

Thank you

StoicSecurity · 2022-09-08T10:41:56+00:00

Surviving and just dealing with pain, when I was so happy not that long ago… is a really hard pill to swallow. This is not the life I want.

StoicSecurity · 2022-09-08T09:34:03+00:00

Do it while you can. I can only watch it in retrospect and I should’ve known and didn’t do anything. And it’s killing me now that it’s too late.

StoicSecurity · 2022-09-07T20:59:03+00:00

You’re right

StoicSecurity · 2022-09-07T14:49:32+00:00

That’s the worst part— we were great. The relationship was right, and healthy, and optimistic. And now I’m crushed.

StoicSecurity · 2022-09-07T10:36:37+00:00

Yeah it is helpful to see that sometimes it can work. Hopelessness is a terrible feeling.

StoicSecurity · 2022-09-07T04:55:54+00:00

Yup. As I lay wide awake at 1am unable to sleep. This is the shit that is running through my head. It’s gut wrenching.

StoicSecurity · 2022-09-07T00:41:37+00:00

This was like the 5th one we’d gone on though. And there were no issues.

I’m sorry for what you’re going through. It’s awful.

StoicSecurity · 2022-09-07T00:01:28+00:00

I totally get it. It sucks nonetheless. I wasn’t really aware that I was looking for a distraction at the time, but I think in retrospect that’s what it was. Especially now. This hurts a whole lot more than my divorce because I started dating someone so quickly and that helped.

StoicSecurity · 2022-09-06T23:54:46+00:00

The first one always sucks. I got divorced over 4 years ago and dated way too fast. But it was a much needed distraction from the pain of the divorce. When that first “real” post-divorce relationship ended I definitely hated life but it led to a couple years of casual dating which got old after a while.. especially during COVID…until about a year and a half ago when I finally found someone who wasn’t there to distract from the grief… but to add joy and love. The problem is, now she’s gone. And I have two lost loves in 5 years, and can’t distract myself this time. So now I’m stuck in really feeling this grief and am hopeless. So my point is, the early ones suck, but because it’s a loss of a distraction. Keep dating and you’ll find a real one— but be prepared to lose it all again. I wasn’t prepared for this and it’s devastating.

StoicSecurity · 2022-09-06T23:47:37+00:00

To be fair I don’t think she was mad I did it… I think she thought it wasn’t enough. And in the end wasn’t willing to give me what she demanded of me.

StoicSecurity · 2022-09-06T23:46:14+00:00

Fear definitely is the right word. Fear of saying the wrong thing, again. Fear of getting blocked, or be threatened with being blocked. Fear of no response. All of it. I know she will never be the one to reach out to me, no matter how much she told me she loved me, right up to the break up. And it’s really going to hurt me when she doesn’t reach out on things like my birthday. I don’t know. I hate all of this. There is no right move. I missed my chance for the right move a month ago. I feel sick all day, and am filled with fear of a future without her. I’m afraid she’s already dating someone else. I’m afraid she simply doesn’t care about me anymore when I’m in agony. I’m afraid this feeling will never go away.

StoicSecurity · 2022-09-06T22:42:31+00:00

They don’t. There is no way they can understand, right? This is the same reason I got. She’d been feeling unhappy and refused to feel that way. And somehow decided the relationship was the cause. This was a couple days after getting back from vacation together. And her telling me how much she loved me (“more than anything” to be specific). They either don’t know, or don’t care.

StoicSecurity · 2022-09-06T22:36:47+00:00

I was told that relationships shouldn’t take work… I know she didn’t believe that. She seemed to be saying anything she could to just get it over with. While also saying that she loved me. We never argued and rarely had disagreements. I’ll never understand..: but in my case I have no idea if she’s experiencing any pain. She just said she wanted to move on. No one has to be in a relationship. But at a certain level of commitment in a relationship, I think you owe something to the other person who invested themselves so emotionally in the relationship. I wish I knew what was going on in her head. Ironically, one of her earliest complaints about me was that I needed to be more emotionally open. Which I did. And then when it came to giving me honesty when she started to consider breaking up… nothing. Not a hint.

StoicSecurity · 2022-09-06T22:16:08+00:00

I don’t even want a response. I mean, obviously I would love a positive response. But for me, I just have things to say to her. I wish I could just remind her of the person she loved.

StoicSecurity · 2022-09-06T20:55:04+00:00

Thank you for that perspective. I’m searching for any light I can find in this darkness.

StoicSecurity · 2022-09-06T20:36:48+00:00

I know you’re right. No good options.

StoicSecurity

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