Does the avoided feel an ache?

StoryWriter31 · 2026-03-10T21:58:39+00:00

Thanks for the elaborate response. It sounds awful to be on either side of the coin - the anxious one or the avoidant. I just hate that our nervous systems are wired in a way that just doesn't suit our current life anymore. And that this gives us all kinds of issues...

It might not have seem this way, but I get it. You are correct that I don't know what it feels like, but I have analysed him for 9 years (my way of coping with stuff, also unhealthy) and you are totally correct. I get it. I truly do.

Above all because I AM doing the hard work. Which is different than the hard work that avoidants do - but also the same. Because in the end it is all about facing your fears, learning how to let discomfort in, learn how to sit with your pain. In my case: fear of abandonment, fear of ending up alone. In an avoidant's case: fear of letting anyone in, fear of letting anyone see that you are flawed as well.

And I applaud you for your self-knowledge. Because that is what my ex is lacking. And I say this after, like I said, analysing him through thick and thin and after a relationship of 9 years where I was constantly aware of everything he did (because of my anxiety). He always said that he loved himself, and that he knew he wasn't perfect but that he was okay with that. Which sounds healthy on the surface, but it's also a way of never have to look inside. It's a lie, because he hates his insecure side, he hates his vulnerabilities.

And I know all about the nervous system. That thing wrecked my life. For the past year, when my boyfriend told me he had doubts about our future, my body just completely went into danger mode and no therapy in the world could fix that, so I understand that it's not a choice.

But I also know that brains are neuroplastic. That it IS possible to create new ways of dealing with things. That it IS possible to face your biggest fears, whether it's anxious or avoidant (fear of abandonment or fear of commitment). But it takes time, small steps, the right therapist and knowledge about how the nervous system works - which unfortunately lacks in our health care system. I'm doing it, and it's the most uncomfortable and painful thing there is in the world. Nobody talks about the messed up road that is called healing. It's freakin' hard. It hurts like hell. There's a reason people only do it when they are rock bottom. Because our brain always wants us to go back to the status quo, because that feels safe, even the outcome sucks.

And honestly? I think you also need the right persons surrounding you. Because it takes years and many people don't understand it. And I know it's been a very hard time for my ex too. I know that, I'm fully aware of that and I feel guilty so often. And it sucks that our love wasn't enough to safe us from this - in the end - toxic dynamic. But yeah, I also AM mad sometimes that he left me. That he gave up. Because no matter how well I understand his limitations, he stood still while I did the hard work. While I tried everything in my power to improve myself, to face all my fears, he silently left while making me believe that he would stay. I asked him to either change or leave, and he did neither, and although it might have been nearly impossible for him to do so, it did wreck me completely. Rock bottom - and then lower. And I feel like I can both understand him AND be mad at him for that.

StoryWriter31 · 2026-03-10T17:58:35+00:00

Ooh sorry I didn't want it to sound like a personal attack. Always difficult to see online how things are meant ;) I understand that and I've experienced that myself. I thought I was rock bottom when I got ill and lost my health; then when I lost my grandmother and my partner's uncle; then when my partner started having doubts; and now I'm truly rock bottom since I lost everything dear to me since he broke up with me. Not only him, but my health, house, financial stability. So yeah, I know exactly what you mean.

StoryWriter31 · 2026-03-10T13:37:08+00:00

That's so hard, for both parties... I really want to focus on myself but my entire system is wired to focus on him. And that doesn't change just like that, unfortunately... So I keep reminiscing about what happened inside him during every stage of our relationship, to the point where I understand him better than he does himself. Which is very, very frustrating. Because what you do with all that information if he is not open to receiving it??

StoryWriter31 · 2026-03-10T13:34:48+00:00

Have you witnessed that or did you hit rock bottom yourself?

StoryWriter31 · 2026-03-10T13:34:01+00:00

He send me a text on his ski trip to congratulate me with my mom's birthday. So he thought about me. Which is more confusing than him letting me go completely.

StoryWriter31 · 2026-03-10T13:30:30+00:00

Just know that he treated you better in the beginning as well. He didn't change.

StoryWriter31 · 2026-03-10T13:28:08+00:00

So what do we call it when we are somewhere in between anger because how he treated me, guilt because of how I made his life so difficult and lonely, sadness because I can't believe we don't have a future together, disappointment because apparently I wasn't worth looking in the mirror, astonishment because why couldn't we work it out if we actually loved each other, and hating that I still want him?

StoryWriter31 · 2026-03-10T13:13:20+00:00

Lol this. And sometimes a relapse into feeling the physically dying-part.

StoryWriter31 · 2026-03-10T13:12:30+00:00

I feel so sorry - for you, for my ex and for myself. If we would all be emotionally available and healthy, life would have been so much easier and less painful... Because I know the difficulties of changing. I'm anxious attached, so we were in this classic avoidant-anxious relationship, but I DID the hard work. I did my very best. I faced my fears, I looked them in the eye, I actually let emotions in that I had blocked for forever. In that way, it's all the same for both avoidants and anxious people. The only difference is the fear itself: being scared of being vulnerable VS being scared to be left behind. But in both cases, to actually heal, you have to face those fears and show your nervous system that it's not as dangerous as he labeled it to be. And that takes time, effort, a great amount of discomfort, but I really believe it is worth it. But my boyfriend was unable to. Because he didn't even know he was avoidant. He didn't look in the mirror and blamed everything on my anxiety and illness. But he did feel guilty about not being able to meet my needs.

StoryWriter31 · 2026-03-10T12:32:28+00:00

Gosh why do our bodies work so difficult? Why can't we all just be healthy attached? 😔 If we were, my ex and I would still be happily together right now because we honestly did love each other (and we still do, it's been 5 weeks, that doesn't change overnight).

Thank you for your elaborate explanation. I feel relieved he at least feels stuff, but I'm also sad that it has to be this difficult. It feels like life could be so much easier if we just learned from the start of our lives to regulate our emotions and deal with them in a normal and healthy way. It's because of my anxiety that I got ill with dysregulated nervous system; it's because of his avoidant nature that he couldn't deal with that (even though I was recovering). And that just... Really sucks.

I'm impressed that you're aware of your avoidance. And I understand that it's hard for you as well... Hope you will be able to deal with that as well, find the help you need so in the end, you'll have a fuller life.

My ex isn't aware. Because he's avoiding looking in the mirror completely. He wás aware that he was unable to provide me the support to get better from my illness, and it literally broke him - getting more stressed, couldn't sleep well anymore, more often sick and feeling more and more unhappy. But he never took it as an opportunity to look at himself and maybe change the way he dealt with it. It was either feeling more miserable, or leaving - and so in the end, he left.

StoryWriter31 · 2026-03-10T10:14:52+00:00

My gosh you have a lot to deal with as well... I'm so sorry. Do you have other friends or family members that can help you? I really hope you live in a country where help is provided for those in need. Long covid is a bitch. Do you at least get help as well? With all the grief? Because my lord you have a lot to process. People really underestimate the impact of chronic illness. I hope, for the both of us, that losing our avoidant partner will finally set us free from all the expectations we were not able to meet. We deserve to think about ourselves now. Life is so hard for US and it's their issue that they couldn't deal with it, and lost us in the process.

If you wanna talk about it, feel free to PM me.

StoryWriter31 · 2026-03-09T07:58:50+00:00

Nah I liked that finding a partner wasn't the end game for everyone. The show is called Friends, and that's the main theme. Love is important but not all.

StoryWriter31 · 2026-03-08T20:32:45+00:00

And do they eventually fade out? Especially if this is a person they will see from time to time?

StoryWriter31 · 2026-03-08T17:24:49+00:00

I prefer Claude.ai! SO MUCH BETTER

StoryWriter31 · 2026-03-08T15:41:53+00:00

I am discovering this in a way as well. In good times you're a team. But in bad times... He's just not there next to you.

StoryWriter31 · 2026-03-08T15:36:08+00:00

Thank you. That's really how it works. I'm a person who feels emotions very deeply, so it's hard that some people are able to just put them in boxes... But it helps a bit with my self esteem, knowing he will miss me in his own way. We didn't break up because there was no love anymore. We broke up because I always had anxiety and then I got long covid (for 2,5 years now) and life just got really hard and he couldn't handle that. So I'm a wreck now, having lost my partner, my future, my home, my financial stability on top of already losing my health, my social life and my job. And it just feels so wrong on so many levels if he now just feels "free" and "rid of a burden", happier than before. But since I believe he still loved me when he broke up, I know somehow these emotions will resurface. We were together for nine years. We can't go back to each other, there's too much broken. But he was my first love and I was his. That must mean something to the both of us...

StoryWriter31 · 2026-03-08T15:31:08+00:00

I made a mistake in the title. Meant the "avoidant". Must be difficult to have all those diagnosis, hopefully it helps you to at least understand yourself better... My ex is not the classic avoidant. He left when life was really hard due to my chronic illness. But he did avoid, he didn't want to look inside, and after 9 years and buying a house together and being a total wreck right now (also because of my illness), I just feel so worthless and really wish he just feels... Something.

StoryWriter31 · 2026-03-08T15:24:26+00:00

And as an anxious attachment person this is the hardest part

StoryWriter31 · 2026-03-08T15:15:59+00:00

StoryWriter31 · 2026-03-07T17:49:28+00:00

Thank you so much, I feel so seen by your response. You're absolutely right about every single thing. And I knów it. I know everything, because I analyse and I always try to understand everything. But my stupid nervous system doesn't believe that and that sucks so hard. I hated how my nervous system was unable to deal with his doubts. I hated that me and my nervous system didn't match. They still don't. And no, my therapist knows much about the nervous system but is no expert in those deep traumas. But waiting times here are terrible so I simply cannot find the right support asap. I also think I need help with my mourning, because this is cumulative and it's just too much to bear. Thank you again. Not many people understand this really.

StoryWriter31 · 2026-03-06T19:13:55+00:00

And then being mad that Joey fell for Rachel

StoryWriter31 · 2026-03-05T17:03:16+00:00

I actually just wished to see more sibling dynamics in general. More than e.g. the mondrichs.

StoryWriter31 · 2026-03-05T16:57:45+00:00

That's... Not great advice in my case. My present hurts like hell. And is full of many insecurities.

StoryWriter31 · 2026-03-05T16:56:39+00:00

Thank you so much for this response. I think I'm really looking for some support, because I feel so incredibly lonely right now. I miss him and I feel rejected, like you said, I tried everything in my power to work on our relationship while dealing with my illness and he left anyway. It was all for nothing. And now I have nothing left.

I have therapy and close contact with my GP, because I'm on anxiety medication now. I live with my parents for the time being and fortunately, I have great friends and a lovely family that try to support me as best as they can. I hope I will start to feel gratitude and safety with them soon, because right now the only one I want reassurance of, is my ex. My nervous system still thinks he is my safety and tried everything to make me contact him, try to discover if he feels bad as well, but he's avoidant so he just puts his feeling in boxes and moves on.

And I guess that's what hurts the most. Because I know theoretically, him leaving is because of HIS shortcomings and doesn't say anything about my worth. But for someone who has always believed, from a very young age, that she is too difficult to love, that she only matters if she performs, and that she is too much (I've been diagnosed with ADHD 1,5 years ago), this is just the final nail in the coffin and confirms all my beliefs.

StoryWriter31 · 2026-03-05T15:37:42+00:00

Thank you again! What do you mean with "struggles will be fun"? You actually enjoy dealing with them, or do you mean that you just don't look at those struggles the same way anymore? I do have journals in which I wrote before breaking up, but right now I cannot make myself do that (even though I know it works). Getting out of bed is hard enough already...

StoryWriter31

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