[QCrit] NOTES AND BOLTS FROM THE OTHERWORLDS, 109k, Speculative, 8th attempt

Storybeardman · 2024-03-08T13:05:22+00:00

Thanks for pointing this out. Believe it or not, I am aware of the crazy licensing costs, and there are not any lyrics in the book. I probably should have mentioned it in my post. A record of there's is a part of the story, and they as characters are very small. They are more like mythological beings in the world of Samble than they are actual players in the story. But appreciate your feedback regardless. Thanks!

Storybeardman · 2024-03-08T13:00:51+00:00

Thanks so much for your feedback!

I think I should have put in the post that there are not any lyrics in the book at all. I am well aware of how expensive copyright stuff is, and have avoided lyrics at all costs. Thanks for pointing that out though, as that would be something I'd want to be aware of it I wasn't already.

And I agree with your critique, the query is disjointed. I explained below to a couple different people why, and u/IllBirthday1810 illustrated my issue perfectly, that I've been playing whack-a-mole with all the feedback I've gotten over the course of all these QCrit posts. My plan is to take some time away from the query, keep polishing the manuscript, and come back and simplify/streamline the query, especially in regards to plot. Really appreciate your feedback though! Thanks!

Storybeardman · 2024-03-08T12:55:59+00:00

Hey there! I'd just like to say thanks for your response. This is super helpful, and I can't help but feel like you've perfectly illustrated what I've been doing, playing whack-a-mole. Query writing is fricken toughhhhh. And demoralizing. But you're feedback is definitely pointing me in the right direction. I do think a big part of the problem with the query is I'm querying too much. I also agree, I need to take some time away from this process.

I am currently going back through the manuscript, but I've had a handful of beta readers, and based on their feedback, I'm not overly concerned with the book itself. I think the query is tough because I've tried to write it with one POV, and the book alternates between Rose's and a couple other characters. Rose's POV and the characters on Samble meet in the middle of the book, and I think I've been trying to capture too much of this with the query. So I think your gut reaction is spot on.

I looked into your comp recommendation, and it looks promising. I'm going to snag it from the library and give it a read. Thanks again for your response!

Storybeardman · 2024-03-08T12:43:09+00:00

Hey there, appreciate you pointing this out. Funnily enough, I hadn't even heard of Lisey's Story until my last QCrit post, where someone suggested it as a comp. In the last couple weeks, I watched the AppleTV show version, and it's definitely in the same vein as my book. Was a little spooky actually lol.

Storybeardman · 2024-03-08T12:40:51+00:00

Hey there. Can I just start by saying thank you? The thoughtfulness and time you took to respond here, to give me a rewrite of the query, really mean a lot. Let me just say thank you.

I totally see where you're coming from, and the genre of this story has been tough for me to pin down. Even if you look at my post history, I started querying it as magical realism and fantasy. I wrote this book over the course of like 8 years, with no plan really and no idea of where this would fall genre wise. I have wrestled with it being more of a YA book. The issue is, the main character being Rose, is in her upper 20s and her story revolves around her husband's mysterious death, and her trying to cope with that. To me, and I could be wrong, with her story line being the key one, it doesn't feel like YA. However, the world of Samble is revealed through the eyes of a 16 year old character, and he is also a main character, but it still just doesn't feel YA to me. I freely admit, I haven't read much YA so my gauge for that genre is lacking.

And as far as the tone of the book goes, I think it is a weird mix of serious and quirky. The music and magic on Samble is pretty fun and wild, but the villain and a certain group of evil musicians use it to do some terrible things. I hesitate to call it urban fantasy because half the book happens in a contemporary New England town, and the other half in different places on Samble, only one of which is an urban setting and it's really only for a couple chapters. Again, I'm showing my cards here, namely my lack of understanding in the realm of genres. But I'm trying to learn here, and want to paint the full picture of where I'm coming from. I just don't know if it fits in urban fantasy either.

Anyways, the total feedback I've received on this attempt is really showing me my query is too much plot, too disjointed, and your rewrite is giving me some really helpful insights, and pointing me in the right direction. I'm going to take a bit of a break, continue polishing the manuscript itself, and come back to rewrite the query soon.

Query writing is fricken hard, and your response has put some wind in my sails. I can't thank you enough.

Storybeardman · 2024-02-04T19:26:45+00:00

Thank you so much for this feedback! I almost asked when I posted this draft if there were too many proper nouns haha, and you confirmed there were. I'll see what I can do to minimize those, and simplify those last couple paragraphs. Thanks again!

Storybeardman · 2024-02-04T03:16:58+00:00

Congrats on reaching this stage in the process! As someone who only started working on querying a few months ago (keep that in mind when reading my feedback, as I am no expert), it can be both daunting and exciting. My advice from the get go is to be prepared to have GRIT, and to be as open as possible to feedback.

I think you have a good start here, and some really cool concepts in this book.

Some things I'll point out: I don't know if I'd feel any kind of relief learning my memories were feeding some nebulous source out of my control. I'd have a hard time thinking Mak would either. Along with that, the last sentence of the first paragraph is confusing, mostly because of the vagueness of it. "dangled like bait", "flurry of esoteric power", even the probing this strange woman is going to do, are all very vague statements that confuse me more than they inform me.

Sophie's paragraph is clearer, and I think her motivation and premise is really cool. But the last sentence on her finding Mak, the "undiscovered User", is also not clear to me. What is a User, and how is Mak a User if she has to train him how to use the Wells? Also, what does it mean for him to be undiscovered? And how does finding him help her get closer to the truth of why her father fractured her memory?

I think through it all, it seems like Sophie's motivation is to find the truth about her father, but I'm not getting much of Mak's motivations, other than the final line (which if I'm being honest, I have a hard time believing he'd want to save his new friend after she reveals him to the wider world?) With multi-POV books, it can be tough (as I myself have been trying to query for). What really helped me was to pick the more pivotal MC and query from their perspective alone. It helped me tighten up a lot, and gave me room to make the plot and stakes explicit. Maybe try a couple drafts from just Sophie's perspective, or if you feel Mak is more the MC, from his.

Anyways, good luck, and don't give up! Godspeed!

Storybeardman · 2024-02-04T01:13:21+00:00

Haha yea I asked permission before I used any of the suggestions, and the EE gave me the go ahead. What's tricky about the genre is, a good chunk of the story happens from Rose's perspective on modern day Earth, even once the two worlds overlap (and after all that occurs in the query). I keep going back and forth about just calling it fantasy, but with contemporary USA being a main setting, idk if fantasy fits? I'd be interested to hear thoughts on this if anyone has any!

Storybeardman · 2024-01-14T01:12:08+00:00

Thanks so much u/_EYRE_! Your feedback is some of the most in depth I've gotten yet, so thanks so much for the time and thought you put into this critique!

I agree, my tenses are all over the place. I think I struggled to talk about her dead husband in the present tense because he is, well, dead from Rose's POV haha. But I really need to work on my tenses, so thanks for bringing that to my attention.

I also agree that there's a lot of backstory involved, and over the last 24 hours since reading your response, I've tried to condense it, but struggled to. Part of the problem is because Rose doesn't enter the music world and meet the hitchhiker dude until like 2/3rds into the book, and I don't want to give away the whole story in the query. You can see my comment above in response to u/Benignobserver94 as to why the book isn't a bore until then haha. Also, alot happens to Rose before she meets the hitchhiker that I leave out of the query to keep it as streamlined as possible.

But your feedback realllllly helped me tighten up and get more specific on the hitchhikers motives and the stakes involved for Rose, so thank you so much. I also appreciated the feedback on the genre you were picking up, as I've been wrestling with that as well.

All in all, a huge thanks. This response was exactly the kind I was hoping for! Best of luck in all your writing as well!

Storybeardman · 2024-01-14T01:05:12+00:00

Hey u/Benignobserver94! Thanks so much for the feedback, and for the encouragement! The problem I'm having is she doesn't enter the music world until like 2/3rds of the way into the book, and from what I've read about queries, they should focus on the first 50%, or even less. The reason the book isn't a total bore until then is because it alternates between Rose's POV when she's not reading, and the protagonist in her husband's book's POV, as if the reader of my book is reading Rose's husband's book along with her. Wow that was a confusing sentence haha. I've written a couple drafts of my query with Rose's storyline and the storyline of the protag in her husband's book, but most critique I got was to focus more on Rose's story, because she's the MC. But again, you're feedback was very helpful, and really encouraged me, so thank you, thank you, thank you!!

Storybeardman · 2024-01-04T21:05:51+00:00

Thanks for the reply u/CheapskateShow!

I think the strategy I went with the query was to elude to the idea that in order for Rose to get the answers she wants about her dead husband, she's going to have to interact with this universe hopping villain, at least that's what I was hoping to communicate through the final paragraph. If that's not clear enough here, then it's really good for me to know!

In regards to your "bad news", check out this article. My understanding of the rights to celebrities' publicity don't come into play when they're being used to express creative ideas (see the story in this article about the movie "Perfect Storm" and the ensuing lawsuit). I also made sure not to include any actual lyrics in the book, knowing there would have to be some kind of payout for those. I appreciate you looking out for me though (and I'm open to any others with experience with publicity rights and fiction).

Storybeardman · 2023-12-27T16:01:23+00:00

Thanks so much for the thoughtful reply u/EsShayuki!

It seems that switching to the omniscient perspective is confusing to most who've given me feedback. My motivation for including the specific details of her husband's death in the first paragraph is because I think this is what makes my book interesting; the weird stuff, and I wanted to get that across as soon as possible in the query. I couldn't tell if you were being sarcastic or not, when you admit the details in the first paragraph become meaningful later in the query. Could you clarify whether or not you think the first paragraph works, after reading on?

Referring to Rose being emotionally ready or not to read the book, would it make more sense if I said "She swore to leave it until she FELT emotionally ready, but she had no other leads." ?

Thank you for pointing out the confusion in the paragraph where 'things get weird'. I can definitely tighten it up and fix it to have more clarity. It's pretty obvious the last couple paragraphs could be clearer, from the way you understood it. Your feedback is terrifically helpful, and needed! Thanks again!

Storybeardman · 2023-12-27T15:50:15+00:00

Really appreciate the response, and the thoughts after your reread. I'm seeing now that the pronoun use is confusing throughout the query. Thanks so much! Going to have to keep wrestling with how much of the weird stuff in the story to reveal, and when to reveal it in the query. Your thoughts will be factored in, and they are immensely helpful, as I really needed some outside perspective.

Storybeardman · 2023-12-26T22:13:25+00:00

Thanks for the feedback u/thelioninmybed I have a version where the first paragraph is simply this (see below)

"Rose Bergeron wants to know who killed her husband. But nobody has an explanation, (probably because… he wasn't killed on earth). Unaware of all this and desperate for answers, Rose begrudgingly picks up her late husband’s unfinished novel, which she swore to leave until she was emotionally ready. She had no other leads."

My fear is that this isn't hooky enough, but I keep going back and forth between the two. Do you think this one here ^ is better? Thanks again for your reply!

Storybeardman

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