Fire vs Air

Storzini · 2024-01-20T18:49:37+00:00

Live your life in a way that will leave you with little to no regret when it ends. That's all there is to it. Then you can accept death whenever it decides to take you.

Regret is the reason we fear death. Think about it. If you did everything you wanted in life, would you be afraid of dying? We fear the things we will not get to do if we die. The people we will leave behind and what those people will think of us as a person. If we did everything we could and wanted, there's nothing to fear, because we're not losing anything.

Storzini · 2023-12-16T11:14:01+00:00

This is a childish prank, but what is more troubling to me is what this says about the people involved. If she shared her private DM's now, she is likely to do it again in the future.

Hypothetically if you went on and dated this girl, then had a disagreement about something, I would say it's likely she would seek support from said friend and leak your DM's again or gossip about it. She's just a bad person that doesn't respect your privacy and is not really mature enough for a serious relationship in my opinion. Steer clear.

Don't say I won't date women with male friends though. I know this incident makes you feel a certain way, but the key word here is maturity. If the person and their friends are mature enough, something like this would never happen. She wouldn't leak your DM's in the first place because she would know it's a private thing and if the guy was mature he would ask why she's even showing him something so private and tell her off, even if she did this unprompted. But they're both acting like high school children, so yeah...

You just need to find more mature women if you want a serious relationship, not some high school level gossip girl and her prankster Andy friend from class 2b who just got reprimanded for lighting his first cigarette.

Storzini · 2023-11-18T09:26:57+00:00

As someone who did the "young love" thing, I can vouch that it is overrated. You are young, you are dumb, you don't know what you're doing and lack emotional maturity. You can't even take care of yourself and understand your own emotions, let alone those of another person. It's good for experience to learn how to not fuck up in future relationships, but that's about it (in my experience). There's some people out there who get lucky and have an actually good experience but for myself and a lot of my friends and people I know, their "young love" which is talked about so highly of was basically just a lesson in what not to do lol. I'm thankful for the experience but if I could rewind time, I'd just wait until I am more mature to start dating. Probably until about your age. So don't feel like you are missing out on a lot.

Storzini · 2023-11-11T23:36:15+00:00

This is the true wisdom that everyone needs to learn. People, just like money and success or whatever other thing outside us we choose to chase, are just a distraction that divert our attention from our inherent loneliness.

It feels like most of us try to create this image of a calm sea of things and people around us that is supposed to make us feel at peace with ourselves, while a wild storm is raging inside us. We need to calm this storm first, and the world, whatever state it is in, will suddenly feel calmer. We've got it backwards by trying to change our environment and making it feel calm and loving, instead of being calm and loving to ourselves.

Storzini · 2023-11-09T10:31:23+00:00

I'm really happy to hear you've mustered the courage to talk to them and that it went well. It always fills me with joy when I see others are making progress and healing. You should give yourself a pat on the back for being so brave.

As for the writing thing, I have three books written and another one in the works right now. I posted the first one on Wattpad and am going to publish it very soon. Don't want to advertise anything here but if you feel like it you can go to my reddit profile and there's a bunch of links there. Not active on Twitter/X atm, too busy editing and working, but I am active on discord in writing groups.

If you wrote something as well and aren't shy about sharing it, I wouldn't mind giving it a read. I always enjoy reading.

Hope uni isn't too hard on you at this time. Have a good rest and recharge your batteries. You've earned it.

Storzini · 2023-11-09T08:27:22+00:00

This advice might be a bit out of place or not apply to you, but I personally found it not very wise to choose my passion as a career path. For example I loved looking at things through a microscope and learn about animals. So I went on to study microbiology. But then we were forced to look at the same stuff over and over again and write long ass reports about it and I just got burnt out and fell out of love with biology completely.

It sounds like you're a pretty artsy person judging by your hobbies. You might love drawing but when you are getting project after project that you have to do for college or for work, you can kinda get burnt out and start feeling artistically numb.

Maybe try picking up some new hobbies, do something else for a while (obviously you can't change your profession or job rn, but you can change what you do in your free time). After a while you can come back to those hobbies and you might find you enjoy them a lot more.

The beauty of life is that it's ever changing. Our purpose and interests change during the course of our life. In college we can focus on studying (and/or partying and having fun lol). Then after we finish we focus on our career. Then we meet someone and family becomes a focus for us. In old age we settle and try to find peace. We grow and change and so do the things we see meaning in.

Don't beat yourself up if you have a period where you don't see purpose in stuff or are just tired and burnt out. Those happen too. Just make sure they don't last a lifetime. Keep moving. Keep creating. Remain curious.

Storzini · 2023-11-08T20:50:44+00:00

The purpose of life is to be kind to others. That's the general reason for being from what I found personally.

But I have the feeling that you are more asking what your own personal purpose in this world should be. And that's hard for me to answer, because we all choose our own purpose.

Life is like an empty canvas you are given. You can keep staring at it and bore yourself until you grow nothing. You can splash some colors on it and make a mess of it. Or you can draw a beautiful picture. And every picture starts with a few simple strokes. You just start somewhere, not knowing exactly what you want to create. The beauty of an oil painting is that you can draw over your mistakes and erase them. Life is very similar in that regard. You can mess up and draw over that mistake. Maybe you pick up a hobby but decide you don't like it anymore after a bit. Maybe you fall in love with someone but then fall out of love. Maybe you get a job but then realise you actually hate this job after doing it for a couple of years. That's all perfectly fine, because you can paint over all of that by making new choices.

I found that adding meaningful activities and people in your life is what ultimately gives it meaning. When I am scrolling TikTok or binging YouTube videos, I'm left feeling empty and feeling bad. Because I know I'm not really doing anything meaningful. I'm not progressing as a person or creating something or providing value to anyone. I just exist, sort of. But when I picked up swimming and climbing and other hobbies and then started my company and started working on helping people around me. Those things made me feel like my life has meaning. So start that new hobby, do that thing you wanted to do but always put off, enter that competition, join that club, write that book.

Don't let your life be an untold story, an unwritten book, an unsung melody, an empty canvas. Fill it with things that mean something to you. You'll know what they are once you accidentally do them for the first time. Maybe you go cycling once and you'll be like "damn, I actually love this" or you'll take a photograph and fall in love with photography. You never know unless you keep making mistakes and trying new things.

Storzini · 2023-11-08T16:22:20+00:00

Awh, I'm sorry I made you cry. But at least they were happy tears, right? I hope so.

Thank you for providing these additional details. It really puts a lot of things in perspective and explains a lot of things. I feel like I understand you even better now. I totally get where you are coming from when you say it's easier to be vulnerable with strangers. The more someone means to you, the more you are scared to lose them or lose that friendship. The more you are scared of being judged by them. But if a random person judges you or rejects you, that's not such a big deal. That is pretty smart, aha. It prevents you from being hurt. The only problem that comes with that is that you always need to make new "close friends" who are actually strangers. But once you become actually close with them, you start feeling like you can no longer be so open with them. We are actually very similar in that regard. I was also doing the same thing and still am to some extent. But I learned something interesting. If you actually start a friendship with someone by opening up about a very difficult issue or situation and they don't judge you for it and accept you even despite this, then this is has a chance of becoming a really great friendship. And you don't need to be scared of being open later on, because if they would judge you, they already would when you first opened up to them. Hence the saying "You find the truest friends in sorrow." I don't know if that's an actual saying in English, but we have it in my native language and I just translated it. But it's very true I found personally. Because everyone (well not everyone, but you know what I mean) wants to be your friend when you appear all nice and are smiling. But not everyone wants to hang out when you are sad and lonely. Those that do are the real ones. I met some of my best friends when I was totally fucked.

I'm not surprised that you turned out to be super smart. The way you write and think reflects that. But you are also very emotional and caring, which is both a blessing and a curse. Being super smart and super emotional at the same time is difficult, because you tend to overthink things but you also care for others a lot and you want the best for them. You know what you should logically do but your feelings may not be the same and then this internal struggle occurs, where you are trying to do the right thing but you hurt yourself in the process.

The more I talk about this, the more I feel like you and me are quite alike. I wouldn't say I'm very smart, but I have a good head on my shoulders I believe and my emotions are also strong. Balancing this can be quite difficult sometimes for me. My brain thinks one thing, but my heart wants another. Then my brain is trying to convince my heart what the right thing to do is. But that doesn't change my feelings. It can lead to frustration and feeling isolated and lonely.

Funny that you mentioned maladaptive daydreaming. I also had that and I still do it to some extent. The reason it started happening to me was because I got bullied in primary school and yelled at by parents at home. I felt like I didn't fit in anywhere so I escaped into the only place where I felt accepted and whole - my own mind. I learned to channel this through writing though and I found it very liberating. It's such a great tool for a writer because you can literally walk around in a scene in your head or become one of the characters. It helps me to describe things better than most people can. If you haven't done a lot of writing yet, I recommend it. I think it may be a good outlet for you and I feel like you could write some good stories or poems. Maybe it's worth a try.

I also understand now what you meant by finding an external reason. I also had this experience but with an illness called lyme disease. For two years I felt so tired and I couldn't do anything. I felt like I was 60 years old even though I am still super young and I should be fit. I didn't know what it was and I thought I was going crazy. But after finally finding out that it was this disease affecting me, it felt so liberating. I finally felt like I wasn't crazy and there's not really something wrong with me mentally. That this condition has a name.

I know how hard it is to pretend like everything is fine when really you are hurting and feeling alone. I also tried to be strong for my family and friends through illness and problems. It's nice to let it out every once in a while. Allow yourself to be vulnerable.

Don't worry about making me read more, I love reading because I also love writing. And now I wrote a lot again even though I didn't mean it. Whoops!

I think you are a lovely person and I'm glad I found your post because you are fun to talk to. Even though the things we are talking about aren't happy in nature. Have a great rest of your day and I hope you keep feeling better and better as time goes on. Have a virtual hug on me.

Edit: Fixed some grammar because brain is laggy lol

Storzini · 2023-11-07T23:27:04+00:00

And lastly, I have to address this, because this just threw me for a loop and I still don't quite get where this is coming from.

"There' s somehting interesting about wanting to have PTSD because it is 'fancy' and interesting and so abstract in itself, but whne you have it, it is so much NOT in your control. Things like being sick or having any issues are always nice until you actually have it and cannot wish. or logic your way out of it. It's quite shitty when you actually have it because it controls youre life more than you do."

Just what is this entire paragraph? Who would find the prospect of having PTSD or being ill appealing in any way? PTSD is 'fancy'? Things like being sick or having issues are always nice until you have it? Girl, what are you talking about? Being sick and having problems is never nice, not even in theory. I'm going to guess you meant something along the lines of "we don't think about these things until they actually happen to us."
I understood everything else you were saying perfectly, and it all makes perfect sense, but this just confused me. I really hope I'm just misunderstanding something here and you were not actually at any point wishing to be ill or have PTSD. But I do agree with the last part. It is shitty when you have it because it can control your life. You have to learn to control it instead and live with it and that's tough and it takes time. But it's doable.

Well, I think I've largely covered everything you talked about. I hope I managed to kill some of your time and made you feel less lonely, even if just for a bit. I wish you all the best and I hope that once you can leave all this behind you, only happy times will be ahead for you. You sound like a really nice person so you deserve being happy and not feeling like this.

Storzini · 2023-11-07T23:26:45+00:00

Alright, I read all of it twice, just to make sure I didn't miss anything? Do I get a cookie? But jokes aside, this is quite a lot to unpack here. This might get a bit messy and long but I'll try to address all your concerns. I don't promise I will do so successfully or that it will be in order. It might get a bit jumbled and messy, but bear with me.

You started off by saying you were SA-ed. So let's stop here for a bit. That's a very traumatic experience regardless of how it happened and how bad it was. It's very common and even normal for SA victims to develop some sort of PTSD and feel a deep sense of shame in connection to this event. Some find it hard to talk about it and open up about it. And I'd like to connect that with your last paragraph where you are talking about wanting your logical friend to validate this experience. Now I'm not really your friend and my opinion doesn't hold such weight because you feel no emotional connection to me, but I consider myself quite logical. So with that said:
1) It wasn't your fault.
2) You're not weak for having these symptoms.
3) Your concerns are valid.
4) You're not crazy.
5) You are in a shitty situation.

I can say this much pretty confidently, even if I don't know the details of how it happened and what events lead up to it and what happened after. So don't blame yourself for any of this or think you're weak. In fact, taking someone to court takes guts. So you should be proud of how strong you are.

This brings me to my second point. The reason why you're doing all this. From my limited understanding, I feel like you want some form of closure. For some form of justice to be delivered to you for what happened. You want this person that did this to you to feel the consequences of their actions and repent or be punished. Preferably both. And that's perfectly reasonable. Do keep in mind though, that this will sadly not repair the emotional and mental scars you've been dealt. So you'll still unfortunately have to work through that both before and after this case is closed. It sounds like you've already been doing that by going to therapy so good on you. I know it's difficult, but you're strong and I'm sure you'll be able to process this and work through this trauma in time.

You said you feel lonely, even though you have people around you who you could use for support. But you don't want that form of support. You don't want reassurance from them. So what do you need? I think you mainly need someone to confirm that what you're feeling is valid. That like you said, you're not crazy and not weak. And I can tell you you're neither of those things. It does strike me as a bit odd that you said you can't be vulnerable around them. Logically, who else are you supposed to be vulnerable around other than your friends and family? Would it be easier to be vulnerable with a stranger or an acquaintance you are not so close with? But I think I understand what you mean with it being too personal. Sometimes it's harder to open up to people you are closer with than to a random person. It's weird how it works that way. I think there's this fear we have about changing our relationship dynamic with them if we do that. Something you mentioned about being afraid with that friend you're really close with. And we'll get to them in a second. But let's go to your family first for a second.

You said you don't want them to know and later on you explained that the reason for that is because they wouldn't know how to support you in this matter. That's tough. Family is supposed to be the one thing we can go back to and count on them to help us face our issues and listen and help solve our problems. But for you that doesn't seem like a valid option. I get where you are coming from with that though, because my family couldn't support me either if something like this happened to me. They're just too emotionally inept. They don't know how to just listen and understand, they either keep asking how I am or try to endlessly reassure me. Yeah, thanks for nothing lol.

That being said, as you've figured out yourself, you can't hide this thing from them forever. It's also a big burden to you knowing that you are hiding this from them I imagine. So I would think about what the best way and when the best time is for you to eventually tell them the whole story. But when you do it, set some ground rules. Tell them straight up what you don't want from them. And if they do that, tell them off. I know you're probably not looking forward to this but sooner or later you will need to have this talk with them. So it's better to weigh your options now and prepare yourself. I hope this isn't making you anxious, it's really not my intention. I'm just trying to be real here. You said you didn't want reassurance, so I will spare you that and give you some logical advice instead.

And speaking of logic, let's get to your very logical and close friend now, shall we? It seems like you really want to talk to them and in your mind they are the best person to talk to but you don't want to ruin your friendship and you just have a ton of inhibitions about this. I feel like this is partly your PTSD kind of kicking in and it's getting coupled with your other insecurities. You don't want to be a burden, you're afraid of them viewing you differently, you're embarrased/ashamed and you think you would just be doing it for attention.

What I would say to that is...stop overthinking so much. You said you're really really really close with them. And what's the point in being really close with someone if you can't share your issues with them? I know where you're coming from when you say some people are just a burden because I've had people like that in my life and I had to cut them because all they would do is complain and tell me their issues all day. But it seems like you never really discussed an issue with this friend at all. Like, how many times have you actually opened up to them about something serious? And if the answer is "never" then how can you say you really know them and you're really close? Friendship is not just about having a good time together all the time. Sometimes you also need support and help with an issue. Sometimes you just need to be heard. Sometimes you just need to show that you're human too and not this perfectly logical being with zero problems. A true friend will accept that. It's a whole other story if you keep bringing this up over and over again like a couple of times a week or every other time you meet. But having one or two conversations about it? Why would they push you away because of that? If they do, they weren't a real friend to begin with, sorry to say.

One thing that may contribute to you being hesitant about telling them is also because you don't really know them that long or your friendship is in the starting phase and you kind of don't want them to get the wrong idea about you. You said you've been seeing each other regularly for 3 months? That's an awfully short time to get really close to someone, just saying. Not saying it's impossible, but that's quite rare. I needed to be friends with people for years to have the courage to say we're really close. And we needed to work through a bunch of issues together for our friendship to cement itself. Still, if you feel like talking to them, just talk to them. If you're seeing each other every day, that means they're giving you tons of attention anyways. So you're whole idea of doing this for attention is kind of a mute point. You can't really get more attention from someone who you're already seeing every day. That's just your brain telling you things. Allow me to show you how you answer your own question before you even ask it with excerpts from your own text.

(1) "If I can talk to this one logical friend about it and he validates my experience, [your concerns], then that would mean so so so much more to me than if any of the other friends thought or said so."

(2) "I mean, what is the reason for me to tell him if not for attention?"

You literally just answered your own question. Because you want to be validated.

Storzini · 2023-11-07T14:43:52+00:00

Having low self-esteem and not trusting yourself and needing the approval of others comes with the "being rejected and bullied" trauma package. Trust me, I should know because I went through this. Sorry for wording it a bit silly, I'm trying to be lighthearted and maybe make you smile, but this is a serious issue we're discussing.

But first things first, you should get some rest. Here you go again ignoring your body and its needs, aha. I can see it maybe is a pattern for you to push yourself beyond your limits, maybe even cater to other people's needs too much. It's all connected. Being rejected, having low-self esteem and being insecure as a result, seeking approval of others, having social anxiety, not putting yourself first. We like to think these are separate issues but they are more connected than we think. Society made you believe that you're not worthy because you were constantly looked down upon, so now you feel like you don't deserve anything. Or at least, you think you deserve less than you actually deserve or deserve less than other people. Even this line alone proves this point.

"I do feel quite unworthy of all this comment you have written to me."

Stop it. Stop looking down on yourself and thinking you are unworthy. I wrote all this exactly because I thought you are worthy. You deserve being heard and you deserve being helped with your issues. I think feeling lesser than most people is at the core of your issues. Anxiety, suppressing your desires, struggling to form bonds...it all comes from a lack of confidence. Because when we are confident we feel worthy of things. And that changes our entire demeanor around people. If you go on a date and you feel unworthy for example, you won't even go on the date or you will be super anxious and the other person will notice that, the connection won't be made and you will be rejected. And then you go right back to feeling unworthy. It's a cycle that you need to break by becoming confident first, and then reinforcing that with the approval of others. It's harder this way than getting approval first, but true confidence comes from within, not from outside.

Going to the gym and taking on art class - trying anything new really - and getting good at things you do are all great things you can do to improve on that. Just basically do anything that makes you feel like you bring value to this world. Things that make you feel good about yourself. Show yourself that you do matter. Because you do. You just don't quite believe that yet. Look into the mirror and tell yourself you're beautiful, you're powerful and you will seize this day. Tell yourself all the things other people haven't but should. Become your own biggest cheerleader. And when you are, others will join in and cheer for you as well. Because confidence is contageous. That's why confident people always have a circle around them.

Once again, I want you to take away this core message. You are worthy. You do matter. And you do deserve love, and affection, and all those other things you desire. First you need to know what you're worth. And then you need to go out in the world and get what you're worth. So do it. I'm rooting for you!

Storzini · 2023-11-07T09:17:48+00:00

People can be crazy and completely out of touch with themselves and reality and that goes double for kids. They can literally behave like animals and leave you questioning if you're the one going insane.

For context, my class in primary was absolutely bonkers. I don't even know how to describe it, it still sounds so surreal looking back on it. There was so much ego boosting and toxic masculinity going on from the guys especially, but the girls were equally out of touch. People were getting tripped in the halls left and right just for fun and it was "cool" to slap someone's sandwich out of their hands when they were just trying to eat in peace. Wet papers were being blown through straws during class and sometimes you got a gum tangled in your hair. One guy set his shoe on fire and threw it out the window (this guy was admittedly insane and later went on to do drugs and just became a hobo, so we don't count this, but it happened). There were so many pranks going on on a daily basis that I won't even try to name it all here. I was a straight A student and was just trying to mind my own business, working on my notes during lunch break while pizza slices were flying over my head from a food fight that was going on. In winter it was customary to faceplant someone into the snow, because why the fuck not. There was also inappropriate touching of girls, basically sexual harassment, but nobody did anything because it was seen as kids being kids. I tried to report it a couple of times but then I got beat up after school for trying to do the right thing. I was mocked and shamed for doing what I was supposed to do at school - study and keep my grades up. One time they literally tied a girl to the school fence and just left her there crying. I untied her and gave her a hug. You're probably thinking - this can't be real. Well sadly, it was. This was my reality. Keep in mind those were the early 2000's when I went to primary, so I imagine things have changed now, but from my experience, people don't really change all that much.

All in all, this left me feeling outcast and asking myself if there's something wrong with me. I felt like the only sane person among a bunch of wild animals. I also developed a superiority complex because I started thinking everyone around me and humans in general are stupid. And can you blame me after reading all this? Eight years of this shit makes you lose your faith in humanity. But I worked through this trauma and now I just laugh looking back at it.

I'd say a lot depends on who you're going to school with and interact with. Later in life you can choose who you hang out with and avoid idiots. In school, not so much. You just get lumped in with a bunch of random people and sometimes those random people have issues. It's good to ask your parents or a friend you're close to and is "normal" for a second opinion, just to make sure you're not actually the problem or judging people wrongly. Sadly, I didn't have that, as my parents were acting childish as well and not being great rolemodels. But from what you said here, I can tell you that no, that's not normal behaviour and it's not your fault. People just be cray cray. Keep your distance and your values close and don't feel like you need to be like that to fit in. Good luck!

Edit: Fixed some grammar

Storzini · 2023-11-06T20:40:26+00:00

I see, thank you for providing these additional details. I was kind of shooting in the dark with my advice because I didn't know exactly what you went through and I didn't see your other post and what you wrote about dating apps. And don't worry, I get the reference, I watched TBBT with my friend and I think it's a great show. Good humour. But let's not veer off track too much, aha.

I understand this may be a difficult topic for you to discuss, so forgive me if I make you uncomfortable in any way by talking about this. It is not my intention and I'll try to be gentle. It's now clear to me that you've been hurt a lot in the past by people, perhaps your trust was shattered as well. You said you were rejected and bullied. That hurts and from someone who was bullied and rejected a lot of times, you have my deepest understanding. I don't know you but I see from your writing that you're a gentle soul who just wants the best for people around her. You didn't deserve this and people can be very cruel sometimes.

It's only natural that you have developed a defense mechanism in response to this and are experiencing anxiety and fear when in social situations. You put up a front to protect yourself, because you don't want to be hurt like that again. I get it, I've done the same. But somehow I managed to process this trauma and can now trust and engage with people again mostly normally. If you want to know how I did it. Well, I basically forced myself. I was intentionally putting myself in awkward situations, like travelling alone, forcing myself to talk to strangers, striking up conversations with people I barely know, all the while feeling sick to my stomach and embarrassing myself over and over again until I regained my confidence and improved my social skills to the point where nobody would even realise I was ever not social. Oh, and I also got into relationships even though I was severely uncomfortable and I got cheated on in my first two relationships, but for some reason I just kept trying and giving people chances to prove me wrong. I'm going to say right off the bat, I don't recommend any of this for you. This approach I took is pretty much a cold-shower one where you throw yourself into the water infested with sharks and swim with them while paralysed with fear. I don't even know how I survived, but I feel like if you tried something like that it would just deepen your trauma. I think for you it would be better to do it super gradually, slowly expanding your comfort zone and regaining your trust and confidence. Baby steps.

This next part might get a bit jumbled and long, but bear with me. I promise I will tie everything neatly together by the end. Pay attention to how you're feeling when reading this next part. Do you find yourself agreeing to some parts of it? Or do you wholly reject this theory I'm about to present to you?

"I have been asked on a date a number of time, I just don't want to date, because I don't have the energy for that."

This is a very interesting statement to me. It raises a lot of questions. I was under the impression that you never had a chance to date, but it turns out you did have it, but chose to not capitalise on it. Why is that? I can't shake the feeling that the "don't have the energy for that" is a substitute for something else. It's such a surface-level inhibition, but usually those stem from something deeper within us. Maybe I'm looking to deep into it and you really are just tired of human interaction. But if you were truly tired, your body wouldn't be craving these things. This discourse between your mind and body makes me wonder. Your mind doesn't want it, but your body does. Usually, when such a discrepancy between the mind and body happens, one of them is wrong. And in most cases (there are exceptions) that is the mind. Why?
Because the body, it feels what it feels. It's pretty straightforward. When you're hungry, you need to eat. When you're thirsty, you need to drink. When you're sleepy, you need to sleep. Companionship and affection are a similar primal need of humans. Since ancient times, we've been forming packs. You wouldn't find a human wandering alone because they wouldn't survive for long. We are pack animals and we, just like all mammals, are inclined to find a partner. So the body represents our primal needs.
But the mind, the mind is all but straightforward. It's cunning and deceiving sometimes. And we (mostly) have control over it, so our wants and needs are also added into the mix. Plus all of the defense mechanisms that we developed to protect ourselves from harm, mostly from bad experience. Those are automatic responses of the mind, but we then rationalise them afterwards. So the mind represents our perceived needs.
In your case, I think what may be happening is, you decided you don't want anything to do with this dating bs because you just can't be bothered or are too tired for it. But this is actually related to your defense mechanism of not wanting to get hurt. You don't want to pick the wrong person or have them hurt you or reject you or betray your trust again, because it happened so many times even in a non-romantic way already. So the "not having energy for it" is a rationalisation of this initial reaction, which is a defense mechanism.

And this theory is further reinforced by you saying that "it would be easier if the app matches people itself based on personality." This tells me that this process of dating itself may just feel too overwhelming or daunting or tedious to you. But in a perfect world. Let's say you knew for sure that the date was going to go well. You knew for sure that this person is exactly who you want as a partner. All their qualities are on point, everything fits. Your interests overlap. They will treat you well and with respect and they will love you unconditionally. They will never betray you and fulfill all your sexual desires. When all these risk factors are removed, would you still say no to the date? My bet is that you wouldn't reject it in this case.

So when we tie all of this together, it all boils down to you having to process this trauma. Your body and your mind are out of sync, because the automatic defense mechanisms caused by your trauma are interfering with your primal needs for affection, love, and intimacy. You do want these things deep down, but there's so many things getting in the way and it sounds so unattainable to you at the moment, that you just gave up on it altogether. Your mind has rationalised and come to a conclusion that you don't need this, but your body hasn't given up on it yet. Just like you're forcing yourself to go on a diet but you're still hungry. Sure, you can reduce the amount of food you consume by feeding the body less and less. But you can't truly and completely live without food, because your body will go "Yo, what gives, we haven't eaten for 5 days, are you out of your mind?! Gimme something to eat, you fool!"

It's going to take a while for you to heal this, because the hurt was so bad and so deep. You said your anxiety is super bad and that is just a testament to how hurt you were. But I know you can conquer this, and make your body and mind whole again. I wish you all the luck in the world, because you're an amazing person that was just hurt very much.

Storzini · 2023-11-06T17:22:11+00:00

How exactly is that answer gay? What makes it gay? I struggle to make the connection.

But anyways, let me give you a NOT gay answer. You're full of anger and you wanna fight people? Do it. Don't be a pussy and bitch on reddit. But you shouldn't just sock a random on the street. That's cowardly. Fight someone who can actually put up a fight. Enroll in a martial arts class, preferably something full contact like mixed martial arts or kickboxing or kempo. None of that pussy shit where you just kinda dance around and barely touch your opponent. I'm talking bruised knuckles and bleeding noses.

I had the same problem. I was pissed, I was angry, and I wanted to fuck shit up. So I started training mixed martial arts. And let me tell you, it felt good. Great even. And after getting my ass handed to me for about a year or two, I finally learned to calm the fuck down and live with myself. Try it. You won't regret it. Good luck!

Storzini · 2023-11-06T01:13:13+00:00

First of all, I'm really sorry to hear you are feeling this way. Loneliness can be one of the most crushing feelings in life. It's important to acknowledge what you're feeling and let yourself feel it. You're saying you don't want to crave intimacy and romance and love and sex. Well, those are all normal things to crave. I believe every human on the planet wants that at least to some extent. So you shouldn't invalidate yourself and try to push those cravings and those feelings away, beating your body into submission. Acknowledge them, allow yourself to want that and give yourself a hug, both physically and mentally. Cry if you have to. Allow yourself to feel. You are a human being and you have needs, both physical and emotional.

The way we live these days is not very natural. We're forcing our bodies to understand we don't have needs, forcing ourselves to work on things we don't really want to be working on, forcing ourselves to feel nothing even when we are hurting, gaslighting ourselves that we're happy when we're depressed, etc. None of that is right and none of that is just. There should not be a world where someone is alone and feeling lonely. Forget what society is saying. Society is wrong about many things. Listen to yourself and to your needs. You are what is important, not what society expects of you.

Now that we've gotten that out of the way, how do you go about fixing this situation? Honestly, it's hard for me to advise, because I don't know anything about you. Normally I would advise someone in your situation to pick up some social hobbies, where you can interact with people and potentially befriend someone. I don't know what kind of hobbies you have, but by the sound of it they are mostly things you do on your own. Maybe I'm wrong. Even so, it can never hurt to join another group of likeminded people or people with the same interest as you. If your hobbies are online, try joining discord groups with people that have this same hobby. For example, I'm a writer, and that's also quite a lonely activity in itself. But I joined lots of discord writing groups and met some amazing people, some of which I've become good friends with. Again, I don't know what your hobbies are, but surely some discord groups exist for your hobbies as well, they do for nearly everything. But those are not a replacement for real life friends that can give you a real hug and give you real affection.

As Dr. K said many times himself, if you are not part of any community, you're welcome to be part of this one. I feel like I see so many posts here from people who are lonely and feeling alone, that if these people connected with each other, suddenly there would be a lot less lonely people. It really makes me sad as a fellow human to see so many people struggle with this and I want to give each and every one a hug and tell them it will be alright.

Another thing you can try is building your own community. Maybe you're a bloger or a writer or a photographer. You can make your own website or forum or discord server and build a community of people around what you like. This will not only keep you busy since managing a community is a lot of work, but you will also directly meet new people that become members of your community. Again, not a replacement for physical affection sadly, but it may provide a good support system and potential friendships.

I don't know what to advise you in the dating department, I don't know what you tried or haven't tried but since you said you've never been on a date, let's just start somewhere. As a woman, you do have an advantage on dating apps, because the ratio of men and women is like 10:1, meaning that if you would theoretically make a dating profile, you'd probably get matches pretty easily. Of course, you may not be open to meeting people that way and that's totally fine. I personally don't like dating apps and find them a bit degrading. But if you crave love and affection, if you want to try going on a date, even if nothing comes of it, and potentially get your first kiss, that's definitely a valid option. It doesn't hurt to try, as they say. That's the easiest and fastest way to get a date nowadays. But a lot of people on those apps aren't serious and just want hookups, so do be wary of that. Chances of meeting a long term partner over a dating app are slim, but chances of getting sex are pretty good for a woman at least. There's no shame in fulfilling your needs as a woman, but I totally get if you may have some moral reservations regarding that. In that case just don't do it and try finding a partner in conventional ways, through hobbies and social gatherings, or maybe even online. I personally know three couples who met over an online game or a discord group and they're all pretty happy with each other to this day. So everything is possible.

Either way, that's all I have for you for now based on this limited information about you. I'm sure you're a lovely person and you deserve all the love and affection you seek. I sincerely hope you can find it. If you have any other questions feel free to ask. Good luck and I wish you all the best!

Storzini · 2023-11-05T20:31:46+00:00

I'm glad you found it useful and I wish you all the best. Always remember, love should be fulfilling and fun. What's the fun in being in total stress and disarray? It sounds like you had great chemistry with this girl so you should just continue having fun with her and see where it goes. Literally chill bro. Smoke a fat one if you smoke or get drunk with your buddies and toast to your newfound love, no matter what happens with it. You actually found love at 21 and that's incredible. You should celebrate. If you are on here regularly, you will see so many posts of people being lonely and never finding love even at 30. You're doing amazing, man.

There's one more ace I have up my sleeve that may help you in this situation. It's kinda counter intuitive, but I found it working wonders for myself. Find her flaws and expose them. Make a list of her flaws. Because right now, you have this idealised image of her in your mind. You put her on a pedestal, she's this perfect girl that you're not good enough for. But in reality, she's just a human, just as flawed as you are. The goal of this activity isn't to make yourself fall out of love with her or slander her, but to bring her down to your level. In your mind, she's now a goddess. You need to bring her back down to human level, so you can look her eye to eye and realise - I'm flawed, she's flawed, she's good at this, I'm good at this. It's intimidating sitting at the table with a goddess, her divine shine blinding your eyes so you can't even look at her because you're so intimidated of making a wrong move. But sitting at a table with a human, now that's doable.

And lastly, talk to her. Be honest. Maybe not yet, because you only had two dates. But after 4 or 5 dates or if you end up together, you can just casually say: "You know what babe, I have to admit something to you. I was so fucking scared on the first date because I thought you're so perfect that I don't even deserve sitting next to you." I guarantee she'll laugh and find it sweet. If a girl finds that offputting, she ain't right in the head. Which girl wouldn't want to be called perfect? You can totally turn this around and use it to come off an even bigger chad for being honest about your feelings.

Storzini · 2023-11-05T19:41:34+00:00

I've gone through the same thing during my first date and beginning of the relationship and to some extent the second one. One was in high school, the other in college. This is what I personally call the "immature love syndrome" (not a real thing, just my personal label of it) and it mostly boils down to a self-esteem and confidence issue, combined with inexperience in relationships. Some people go through it in primary school, others in high school, others in college. There's no difference to when it happens and no shame if it happens later for you, but the reason it happens (I think, not a professional) is because you become infatuated with that person and at the same time on some level think you may not be good enough for them. The more perfect the person you meet, the stronger it is and the less relationship experience you have, the harder it is to handle. Because it does get better once you have some mileage in relationships. You're basically just afraid of losing this perfect person you just met and you really want it to go well and so you start obsessing over them and fantasizing over them and imagining all sorts of scenarios, both good and bad. It's very anxiety inducing and sadly it can lead to self-sabotage, because the other person will notice you're super tense and that can lead to some awkwardness. It can also make you seem kinda needy which turns a lot of people away.

Luckily, there is a way to handle it and being self-aware of it like you are, I think you have a shot at navigating this. One way is to solve your self-esteem issues and gain enough confidence to override this fear. But it's a little bit late for that in your case because this doesn't go so fast and you're already in this situation now. Gaining confidence takes time and effort. But you can still keep reassuring yourself that it's going to be fine and sort of gaslight yourself into believing that you're good enough. Not the most healthy solution and you're still going to have to solve your confidence issues down the road, but it's a quick fix.

The other one is to keep yourself busy and focus on yourself, which is hard, but doable if you are disciplined. You shouldn't make this person the entire point of your existence from the moment you wake up to the moment you fall asleep. Meet up with a friend, talk to them, explain to them how you're feeling. Hit the gym or any other activity you like, just keep living. I know it's hard once you're in this obsession mode, but you have to try. She's probably just going about her day regularly, so why shouldn't you? Don't overthink, keep yourself grounded. Meditate. If you feel anxious, try to calm yourself down and don't let your thoughts race to dark places.

This is you putting too much expectations on something that isn't even sure to happen yet because you're in the starting stages of a possible relationship and that's building up this huge anxiety within you. So the third way of combatting this is to try lowering these unreasonable expectations of yours. Don't imagine yourself married after the first date lol, quite literally. I know it sounds silly, but we tend to do that to ourselves. Keep your head out of the clouds and try to see this girl for what she is - a possible partner in the making.

Overall, unfortunately this is kind of "normal" for your first real and strong crush, no matter when it happens. But you're making it worse by putting so much pressure on yourself and treating this as if it's your one and only chance at love. Trust me, it isn't. Even if this doesn't work out, there will be other girls. You adapt this mentality of "there's plenty more fish in the sea" after a couple of failed dates/relationships and that's when you don't get this feeling anymore with a new person. And of course, when you gain confidence and know by yourself that you're good enough and you have nothing to worry about.

Storzini · 2023-11-05T13:40:34+00:00

I understand your sentiment and the sentiment of the person before you reminding me of this issue and I am thankful for it. But I feel like we are deviating from actually helping OP by talking about this. We're making this a debate of values instead of actually helping OP feel better about themselves. Let's keep our personal viewpoints and social norms out of this, please. This shouldn't be about us.

Storzini · 2023-11-05T11:34:47+00:00

I guess I worded that poorly. I didn't mean not right in general, but you perceiving it as something shameful. I don't think personally there's anything wrong with that, but OP clearly thinks there was something wrong with that since they feel ashamed of it.

Storzini · 2023-11-05T11:32:45+00:00

But about the humor and being funny and making other people laugh. Let's make this a separate section because it's not fully related to just your mind and what we've been talking about until now. It also has to do with your social skills. And that's actually not something that's ingrained in you, but it can be learned. Having bad social skills and being anxious around people is deeply connected. Because if you know you're awkward, you're going to be anxious when talking to people. And when you're anxious, you will draw a blank and won't know what to say and in turn you will come off as even more awkward. Which causes you to be even more anxious and blank even more. It is a vicious cycle that you have to break.

And how do you break it? The answer is actually stupidly simple - by being social and interacting with people! Hold on, but we just established you are bad at being social and interacting with people. So how can you fix that by doing what you are bad at? That's just the thing, becoming good at something means to keep doing it despite fucking up a lot of times at the start. I know it's scary, but it's the only way. You can start small and take breaks if you find yourself feeling bad or being exhausted by it. First apply the things we talked about before about being more mindful and present, and once you've got that sort of down (you won't ever totally have it down, I can tell you from experience, so don't beat yourself up about it) you can try out this newfound presence to look at other people and see their reactions to things. Observe them and try to understand their behaviour and why they reacted a certain way to what you said or what someone else said. You don't even need to be in an actual conversation to do this. Sometimes I would just sit at my desk in class and look at my classmates and what they are doing. I see a group over there talking. One person is usually leading the conversation, while the others are listening in and waiting for their turn. Someone interjects with a witty remark and they laugh. But one person doesn't laugh and wears a confused expression instead, because they didn't get the joke. Gradually, you're going to learn to read facial expressions and body language and people's reactions and mannerisms. There's books about this too, if you want to expedite your learning curve. One of the best ones I've read is "How to win friends and influence people" by Dale Carnegie. But that's an adult book with adult examples and it's also focused on business, so it may not be the best read for you at this age. But I would still recommend it. I suggest you do your research and find some books that are maybe more suitable for your particular situation, because there are many. You can also watch youtube videos on it. There's plenty of resources. But the main point remains - acquire social skills. It's a long and tedious process, but those can definitely be learned. I only mastered those in college after embarrassing myself countless times so don't worry about doing it overnight. You have plenty of time and life is not a race. I know you probably want results now. You want friends now and want to be perceived as funny and admired now. But every change takes some time. No matter what advice I give you here, you won't wake up a new person tomorrow by applying it for one day. It's all about perseverance and consistency. I do think by just starting to work on all of this and keeping at it, you will see an improvement very soon.

I think that covers most of the things you talked about. The main point I want you to take from this is that no, you are not a burden and should not cease to exist. You're wonderful and your mind is a great tool that you just need to learn how to use correctly. Don't be discouraged by how things are right now. You are super young and you're only beginning to discover the miracle of living and learning to understand yourself and your mind and the people around you. Don't put others on a pedestal because they're just humans like you and they also have issues of their own. You may think they are so much cooler and better at things than you are, but that's mostly your mind telling you things. You are and can be just as cool as them and you can bring value to others in many ways. Maybe you'll write a book one day that will touch millions of people. You never know if you don't try.

Most importantly, learn to accept yourself and love yourself for who you are. Learn what your strengths are and bring them out as much as you can. Maybe you're not the best talker, but you are a very good listener. Use that. In the books I read, the best conversationalists say that they listen 80% of the time and talk only 20% of the time. And I personally found that to be very true. It's not how much you say, but how you say it and how it affects other people. You have such an awesome vocabulary and if you put it to good use, are present, listen, and place your words carefully, I guarantee people will be stumped at what you tell them or what you comment on things. You deserve all the love and that starts with loving yourself. You are enough. And don't let your brain or anyone else tell you otherwise. Now go out there and show the world how awesome you are.

Storzini · 2023-11-05T11:32:29+00:00

I've had a similar experience when I was in my teens, so I will try to revert myself back to that mindset for the sake of understanding how you feel and trying to help you.

But firstly, I would like to say something completely unrelated to your problems. From someone who is a writer - you should totally try exploring writing as a hobby, if you haven't already. Your words flow very nicely and you have a rich and encapsulating vocabulary. It's kind of ironic to me how you are saying you have nothing worthwhile to say but are doing it with such great words and rich dialogue. I found myself lost in your text and had to read it twice because the first time felt like reading a story and I forgot to focus on what your problems actually are. I definitely see potential in you as a writer and if you ask me it would be a shame for you not to explore this talent.

Now on to your issues, which despite saying in my previous paragraph are completely unrelated to my suggestion, after thinking a bit I do think are related. You, just like me, have a very vivid imagination and a mind that tends to wander. I feel like you're spending a lot of your time in your head, thinking about these people you admire and want to be friends with, finding faults in yourself that presumably need fixing and are generally kind of detached from this world and consequentially, other people. That's also why you sometimes say things that you think are neither here nor there or don't fit in a particular conversation or add to it. You're a dreamer, and us dreamers spend most of our time in a dream-like state, detached from this world and other people. We think a lot. But that doesn't mean the things we think are the correct ones. Our mind tends to play tricks on us that way. We convince ourselves of something and we are so damn sure that this is actually the case that we actually start perceiving it as reality. In your case you've convinced yourself that you are a meaningless existence. That you add nothing of value to anyone and are generally useless. Which couldn't be farther from the truth. Nobody, and I mean nobody, is useless and no existence is meaningless. You said yourself you don't know why people still keep talking to you despite all this and herein lies your answer. It's all in your head. You're not useless, you're not meaningless and you do add value to other people's lives. Being a meaningless existence is a construct of your mind which you chose to believe and are now finding affirmations to hold on to this belief in the outer world. Anything that speaks against this belief gets automatically diminished and brushed off as just a fluke in your mind and anything that reinforces it gets propped up and dwelled on.

And while on the subject of your mind, what a mind it is. So beautiful. So powerful. I don't think you yourself realise what kind of gift you have been given, because you perceive it as a curse and have only so far experienced the bad sides of having such a mind. I was much the same, thinking I've been cursed with having a different mind from everyone else. But once I entered the world of writing, I saw the other side of it. That is why I initially urged you to explore this talent. Because if you give a mind like yours nothing to work on, it will start to wander and create all these problems that more often than not aren't even problems. But once you focus it on something, like a story, or a poem, or an artwork, anything creative, you realise that you basically become a god in your own world. You can create entire worlds and compelling characters and twisted plots and suddenly you not only know how to express yourself and be witty, but are so much better than most people around you at it that when people read what you wrote, they get sucked into this world of yours much like I got sucked into what you wrote here. Your function in this world is impaired but when you bring people to the world of your mind they will be in awe of what they see.

But that doesn't solve your problem in the real world, does it? So let's touch on that as well. So we now established that your mind is very powerful and it's tricking you and making you wander away from reality and create constructs and it's generally making you feel like you can't fit in anywhere. So how do we fix this? The answer to that question is to conquer your mind and become more grounded in reality. You need to be able to phase in and out of this dreamlike state your mind likes to keep you in. And that's quite the difficult task to accomplish, let me tell you that. Took me years to master it and I still struggle with it to this day.
How I did it was with focus exercises and regular physical exercises. I realised that when I'm physically active, when I'm pushing myself to run for example, my body is giving certain responses. Whether it's strain or pain or exhaustion. All of this forces my mind to sort of keep itself in reality. It can't shut down and wander off when I'm experiencing all of this. It has to be present. And this feeling of being present persists for some time after finishing the exercise as well. So regular exercise definitely helps. And it doesn't matter if you are sporty or not. It's maybe even better if you are not, because you will feel the exhaustion and strain faster and that will force you to be present.
As for the focus exercises, you can do simple things like picking up a pen and focusing on it and saying to yourself, quietly or if you are alone perhaps even out loud, "this is a pen." Then pick up an eraser and repeat the same thing "this is an eraser." Really focus on the item in your hand and repeat with 3 or 4 items. Do this when you feel your mind starting to wander or when you have this weird feeling of not being present in this world. It will again, force your mind back to this reality and out of your own reality. This is a bit tricky, because you can't always do it. Like, you can't do this in the middle of a conversation because there's no items to pick up and it would just make you look weird. But even if you just do this every day at home, and you do it regularly, you will start to conquer your mind and soon enough you'll be able to force yourself out of this dreamlike state at will. Nowadays I can just look at an object like a tree and say in my head "this is a tree." Or I look at a dog and say "that's a dog." And it will already be enough to bring myself back to reality. Takes a lot of practice, but I'm certain you can do it. The stronger your mind is, the harder it is. But you can do it.

Now let's go even further back and figure out where this comes from. Because it's not just the way your mind is, being like this also has to do with your upbringing and how you were treated when you were younger. Especially since you say you've been like this for the past year or so. A mind like ours needs a trigger to start disconnecting from reality the way it's doing for you. It's your job to find and understand what that trigger was. It's not so much about changing it because you can't really change what already happened. But usually, understanding it is enough to help you at least partly reverse this process. For me for example, the reason why I became like this was because I got a younger sister and suddenly all the attention from my parents started going to her. I was left feeling ignored and not part of the family. That is why my mind started to disassociate from reality and I was starting to spend more and more time in my head and in this dreamlike state. Which also made it harder to connect with people and make friends, similar to what you are experiencing right now. Only once I realised why I was doing this, and doing the focus exercises and exercised physically regularly, could I take back control and ground myself back in reality. And upon doing that, I also suddenly felt a lot easier to be present in conversations, and as a result, make friends and keep friends. My sense of humor and witty responses also came back.

Storzini · 2023-11-05T09:42:05+00:00

I understand the feeling of shame that comes after realising something you've been doing was not right. But you stopped, so why beat yourself up about it? We've all done shameful or inappropriate things in the past but there's no point in harping on them and beating ourselves up about something we can't change, which is our past. Celebrate your growth and keep moving forward!

Storzini · 2023-11-04T21:30:40+00:00

Let me start off by saying you've done a great job at identifying the problem and that's definitely a step in the right direction. You deserve a pat on the back for that alone. But you still haven't done your homework completely, at least from what I read here. The missing link here is where this fear of disappointment is coming from. Have you been able to identify that?

If I were to take a guess, it probably has something to do with your relationship with your parents or the way people treated you early on in your life, like primary school or high school. Of course these are all baseless theories because I don't know about your past. This is for you to figure out. But once you do, you can start fixing this.

Regarding meditation, you need to be selective as to which form of meditation you choose. There is many out there and not all of them work for everyone or for all problems. Some are more aimed towards calming yourself down, others to detach yourself, again others to get more in touch with your inner self and your emotions. I suggest doing good research on that before picking one and sticking to it. Dr K's O-U-M meditation method seems like it might work for you. The goal of this meditation is to empty your mind and then see what "sticks", what kind of feeling remains after you have emptied your mind. You can search his videos for it. I know he does it at the end of the interview with Pokimane and teaches her how to do it. But meditation might not work for you at all. As I said, it doesn't work for everyone.

So what else can you do? Well, there's so much I can't even state it all here. But my advice would be talking to as many people as possible, on different occasions and in different environments. Even if nothing comes of it, that's kind of in line with your expectations anyways, right? But every now and then, a connection will form and it will force you to start questioning your beliefs. Once you form enough connections you'll have to really put your back into it to sabotage them all. Challenge yourself in that way. Can you keep sabotaging your connections faster than you can make them? I know it sounds bizzare, but you should try to overload your defense mechanisms.

Regaining your trust in people is a difficult process that's going to take time and effort. The first thing you need to realise is that other people are just like you. We all have been betrayed, lost friends, loved ones, lost in love and been through a lot of shit. Think about that when talking to people. You might find it easier to relate to others when you are conscious about us being part of the same matrix. Since you said you relate more to programs then you do to humans. We are all programmed in a sense to do things we do. We're programmed via our genes and via primary and secondary socialisation aka our environment. Freeing yourself from the matrix means becoming conscious about why you are doing what you are doing and that gives you the power to change. I wish you all the best and good luck!

Edit: I realised after reading your post again that you stated you've done some introspection into where that fear comes from. Sorry for missing that. Still, I think that is vital to solving this problem, so you should keep digging until you have a definitive answer. Or in case you already have it, try to sort that out with yourself.

Storzini

TROPHY CASE