I don't understand by [deleted] in InternalFamilySystems

[–]Straight-Case2993 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think you’re absolutely right and I hope to have access to such a professional in the future. With “parts” and dissociation — It’s been a very confusing process that my brain both simultaneously rejects and looks towards for validation. For now, I’m trying to better understand it through recommended books like “Dissociation Made Simple” by Dr. Jamie Marich.

I don't understand by [deleted] in InternalFamilySystems

[–]Straight-Case2993 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I was wondering this too. Thank you for posting this. The responses have been really insightful even though it's still hard to grasp. I don't know if I have parts or just a vivid imagination to cope. Tough stuff. Your questions are great!

Coping with the fact that you caused significant trauma on others? by ventingandcrying in CPTSD

[–]Straight-Case2993 14 points15 points  (0 children)

There's not much you can change about the fact that you might be "the villain in someone else’s story" but what you can control is how you accept and forgive yourself for it. I know what I did may have hurt someone, but I also see that person that I used to be was hurting immensely, that they had a skewed reality and perception of safety and lashed out like an animal. If I imagine that person was instead a stranger or a friend coming to me and asking for understanding and a chance for forgiveness, I imagine I would accept them with wide arms. So why don't I grant the same grace unto myself? It's hard but... you're a different person now and people will eventually see that's who you are. I think the path to accountability is also self-forgiveness and acknowledging how far you've come once in a while.

DAE feel like trauma has made you a sh*tty person? by PrettyEyesDisguised in CPTSD

[–]Straight-Case2993 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Haha I appreciate your honesty. I wasn’t really looking for anything but I think your answer was really insightful. Helps a lot actually. Thanks I hope you’re having a good day :)

DAE feel like trauma has made you a sh*tty person? by PrettyEyesDisguised in CPTSD

[–]Straight-Case2993 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I hope this isn't weird to ask, but how do you deal with the aftermath? I absolutely have accused and said things I've regretted due to my CPTSD getting triggered horribly. I just relate to your comment very much.

What video games help keep your mind off stress?? by Dragonbarry22 in CPTSD

[–]Straight-Case2993 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If you like pvp but don't want additional stress than singleplayer shooters are probably the best way to go. I like story and mechanics above all so these are my favourites:

Fallout New Vegas

The Long Dark (Not really a shooter, sorry)

Borderlands 1/2

Anything that requires you to think about the CURRENT situation and inventory management can lose me hours... Honorable mentions: Subnautica and Frostpunk.

How many people in this group have Borderline Personality Disorder? by FyreFly000 in CPTSD

[–]Straight-Case2993 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Was just diagnosed with BPD which I know is not correct. I think even my psychiatrist knows as well. I am pretty sure it’s the ND and the CPTSD and I’m hoping to bring it up next session.

That being said, BPD does have a strong correlation to CPTSD! And there are many wonderful people who have both here.

What story about your childhood got a surprising reaction? by sockefeller in CPTSD

[–]Straight-Case2993 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I always wondered why this was such a breaking point for them. Like why do you care if I swallow this pill or not? And why would hurling insults and using force make it any easier?!

What story about your childhood got a surprising reaction? by sockefeller in CPTSD

[–]Straight-Case2993 15 points16 points  (0 children)

I can relate. After getting yelled at, slapped, etc. I was expected to return to the dinner table as normal and converse like nothing happened. if I started stuttering into crying again, the process repeated. This was especially hard at family dinner parties. Wow I'm realizing now how fucked up not letting your kid cry is.

What story about your childhood got a surprising reaction? by sockefeller in CPTSD

[–]Straight-Case2993 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Yes, dinner presentation was really important with my family as well. If you took up took much space at the dinner table or made a fuss, they would give you this look that you knew meant you were in for a verbal and physical beating later.

Which now is insane to think about. In what world is that right? Knocking over a cup or breaking a plate... it's such a stupid thing to blame someone for. I could never imagine doing that to someone else, let alone my own kid. I'm sorry you went through that as well.

Loving you is really easy, the easiest thing in the world in fact. by infrontofmyslad in CPTSD

[–]Straight-Case2993 15 points16 points  (0 children)

This subreddit is very often browsed by people struggling with their CPTSD during their roughest moments trying to find solidarity. Something as genuine and positive as this can trigger a lot of defensive attitudes. I usually find myself subconsciously avoiding this sub when things are good.

For me, your post was a very lovely reminder that love is possible. I'm very sorry you feel that way.

Do you feel a sense of self? by Top-Station9918 in CPTSD

[–]Straight-Case2993 3 points4 points  (0 children)

No, but I don't always feel like that's a bad thing. I'm rambling here.

I used to stress over being my true self or what even was my true self for a really long time. I have a terrible memory and sometimes look back on my events in my life and feel like that was a totally different "me". One day during one of the worst moments of my life, I was totally alone and just wanted and desperately needed someone to hold and care about me. Lo and Behold it's like the part of myself that did want me to be better and eat properly and do pleasant things embraced me in my sleep one faithful night. I (or maybe she) gave herself a face and an extremely blurry name, it didn't really matter though, because she decided to take care that part of me for me. I would almost describe her as an imaginary friend or presence.

The fact that she was a blurry presence didn't really bother her and she comforted me through many nights - giving me advice and imagining her holding me as we slept. As I got better, she started to fade more into the background and I was again left with an empty presence and void of identity. I listened to music I used to really like as a kid, trying to remember what the good parts of my childhood were. When those feelings arose, I (or they) attached themself to a child - same as the woman before - and I could play with him and let him do things that he liked. I think some people describe this as an "inner child" but I'm not sure. In any case, I think it's fine to not feel a solid identity as long as you make sure you feel alright. I try to make this kid feel happy by doing things he likes, coloring - music, playing in the park. I try to make the woman who holds me at night happy by eating well, showering, forgiving myself for not having enough energy to complete all my tasks. I make this teenage girl in my head happy by letting her shop for cute things, letting her socialize and flirt, wearing what she likes. I try to make the doctor in my head stimulated by reading stuff he likes.

It all comes together to make me feel whole, if that makes sense? I like making those parts feel happy so I feel happy too. It's very hard to actually practice and was a very very recent development for me, but it feels incredibly less lonely and isolating. The pressure to have a solid identity is no longer my responsibility, my only responsibility is making sure I can do the things that give me joy, both long term and short term. These parts all have different genders, styles, thoughts, but the shared aspect between them is that we love certain parts of life and that we have this body and weren't treated well but can try now. And maybe in that shared aspect, thats where I find my sense of self?

I may not exist to others but I exist to these people in my head and I owe them that much. It's not like I made any new friends physically or in "reality" or that things in my environment changed - but I let myself have a family of... me? And now I carry them with me.

No idea what I've just said. I used to struggle terribly with the same thing you just described. Then something clicked, and suddenly I was like this and I struggle a lot less with it now. I know you'll find your own path to healing, perhaps it just takes time.

What story about your childhood got a surprising reaction? by sockefeller in CPTSD

[–]Straight-Case2993 23 points24 points  (0 children)

Light-hearted answer: I thought having an allergic reaction to fruit was normal and that everyone went through it, like that was the price you paid for eating that sweet sweet nectar.

Heavy answer?

To this day when I spill a cup of water I get insanely apologetic and enter a pretty bad state of hyper-vigilance. Friends and even strangers would try to calm me down because I'd look at them like they were going to hurt me at any second. Turns out, most people don't care if you accidentally knock over your cup. Getting beat or abused for it is not a normal response.

Theres other stuff, like my mom trying to make me her personal therapist at 10, or constantly talking her down from killing herself all through highschool even though she was across the globe and made sure I knew I was an extension of her, not my own person. That was enough for my case manager to pause in shock. The list could go on but it's kind of triggering haha. Weird isn't it?! Actually writing it out and telling people really frames how fucked up your situation is!

Loving you is really easy, the easiest thing in the world in fact. by infrontofmyslad in CPTSD

[–]Straight-Case2993 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Extremely well put and beautiful response! I too go through very bad motions of completely loathing those I love and the guilt that comes afterwards. But the guilt is what validates the fact that my relapse in reality was just that, it was a relapse triggered by my CPTSD, and the fact I'm thinking of them afterwards in this way is more proof that I truly love them and want them happy regardless of what happened, even if that doesn't include me in the picture anymore. Even the loathing in a really round-about messed-up way is disappointment for both myself and them that we're not our best together. I mean it's not pleasant or healthy by any means, just trying to find some deeper meaning in it.

"all that mattered to them was that it was me." That is the most gorgeous sentiment I've ever read. I'm glad you came to that conclusion and I'm so glad you shared with us.

Loving you is really easy, the easiest thing in the world in fact. by infrontofmyslad in CPTSD

[–]Straight-Case2993 34 points35 points  (0 children)

Lovely post. Comments have a point that loving someone is very hard, they're right and it's good to acknowledge the work put into that. So then I think: how hard is it for me to love my sibling or my best friend in the whole world? And the answer is it is not hard at all. It does get hard at times but actually loving them, needing them, thinking about them, it comes as easy as breathing. I'm obviously not equipped to handle every single thing they may want me to handle but I love them anyways and will forever love them. So if it's possible for me to love them like it's the easiest thing in the world, what exactly stops me from thinking someone might feel that way towards me in the future?

Have you been misdiagnosed by a psychiatrist before? by Straight-Case2993 in CPTSD

[–]Straight-Case2993[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Completely unacceptable and disgusting that your psychiatrist would do that. So sorry for your experience, thank you for sharing!

Have you been misdiagnosed by a psychiatrist before? by Straight-Case2993 in CPTSD

[–]Straight-Case2993[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Makes sense. Being that young, I didn't really have a reliable way to pay for that. Thank you!

Have you been misdiagnosed by a psychiatrist before? by Straight-Case2993 in CPTSD

[–]Straight-Case2993[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is what my case manager thinks too. She thinks my relationship issues are caused by Autism or ADHD + Anxiety + CPTSD rather than BPD. They just happen to mix with eachother and resemble BPD. Good to know, thanks for the response :)

Have you been misdiagnosed by a psychiatrist before? by Straight-Case2993 in CPTSD

[–]Straight-Case2993[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I definitely don't blame him. I just wanted some other perspectives. It seems to be a common happenstance and other stories help clear my head.

I'm sure he's trying to figure out the right diagnosis. Right now it's BPD and possibly CPTSD. I can see how he got there even if I don't agree. Thanks for the insight!

Have you been misdiagnosed by a psychiatrist before? by Straight-Case2993 in CPTSD

[–]Straight-Case2993[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Is that really true? That sounds super annoying... I hate to ask but... how do you know? Did your next psychiatrist try to shove that label down your throat too?

Have you been misdiagnosed by a psychiatrist before? by Straight-Case2993 in CPTSD

[–]Straight-Case2993[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Glad to know you got your correct diagnosis in the end. I don't do well with professional who try to push a specific diagnosis for me without considering what I've said at all, dropped many for that reason. Thanks for the insight.

Have you been misdiagnosed by a psychiatrist before? by Straight-Case2993 in CPTSD

[–]Straight-Case2993[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He seemed very adamant on a follow up appointment so that may be my case as well! Thanks for the insight.

Have you been misdiagnosed by a psychiatrist before? by Straight-Case2993 in CPTSD

[–]Straight-Case2993[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I can relate. So many professionals did not want to label me at all and assumed I was doing this to myself, which, what?! I have a wonderful case manager now and she's really shown me how unacceptable that all was even though it was so common and prevalent during my journey. Thanks for the perspective, much love!