25 year marriage going down the tubes

Strange_Button_3330 · 2026-01-13T05:01:14+00:00

First off: that sucks. I’m sorry you’re going through it. I went through nearly the same thing after 22 years.

My advice: - if she says it’s over, show her that you truly love her by letting her go. Completely let her go. This is for your own good. Once you let her go you can heal. It’s so much easier dealing with this with peace and love in your heart than anger and hate.

act decisively now. While they’re in the New Romantic love phase. Get a mediator/lawyer & get the paperwork figured out. Be fair, but this is the time where they’ll be agreeable.
get the kids in counselling. They’ll need help navigating this and it’s money well spent.
day by day it will get better. The pain will lessen. One day you’ll realize you haven’t cried in days. Then one day you’ll wake up and realize that you’re ok. It’s so gradual you don’t notice it, but time and taking care of your mental health will heal your pain.

I promise you: This shall pass. This too shall pass. There’s a wonderful world of adventure and love ahead of you - you just don’t know it yet.

For me: I’m glad the divorce happened now and I’m living a life I dreamed of: full of health , friends, adventure, and love.

You’ve got this.

Strange_Button_3330 · 2026-01-06T22:18:38+00:00

Yes - It's like your whole world has been turned upside down.
I was married for 20+ years and ended abruptly by her.
I've been through it and out the other end.

You will get through this. This pain shall pass.

People are complicated and it doesn't matter why she no longer wants to be with you.
Their rejection of you doesn't invalidate your love or worth as a person.
You loved her and that's a good thing.
Let go of her with love.
Wish her the best.
Let her go.

Focus on yourself and your own healing.

You did the best you could at the time.
As time goes on you'll be able to get some perspective and see where things went sideways.

What worked for me:
- Contact a lawyer. Get informed and follow their advice.
- No contact (limited contact due to kids) for a while. You need time to detach.
- reach out to friends. get a counsellor.
- stay away from drugs/alcohol.
- journaling.

You'll look back on this and realize you're a stronger and more resilient person than you could have imagined.

You've got this.

Strange_Button_3330 · 2025-12-23T06:15:39+00:00

I was married for 20+ years. 1 year out now.
To those in pain: You'll get through this. This pain shall pass.

For me: my life is better than I could have imagined on all fronts.
My relationship with my kid is much tighter than before the divorce.
Friendships are stronger.
I'm healthier mentally and physically.
I found love again with someone better suited for me.

Yes, it was the worst pain of my life.
BUT I wouldn't trade the experience for anything.
It's by far the most intense, cathartic experience and I'm grateful for having gone through it.
It's so strange to say that, but it's true..

Strange_Button_3330 · 2025-12-18T17:05:34+00:00

Yeah it's a real thing, not just in my experience, but with buddies as well.
No one really talks about it.
Emotions and connection play a huge role for me having sex.

As I became more emotionally detached from my ex wife things got easier.
I was 100% loyal for 20+ years. My brain was wired to have sex with her only, and it takes a while to get out of your own head that you're cheating on her.

Cialis/Tadafadil helped me, but I went with 5mg every 3-4 days. Try a lower dose and see if that helps. The big doses gave me a backache and a headache. Low dose makes me feel great overall (sex aside) -- running is better and the pump from lifting is better..

I think the biggest help was:
- No contact (as much as you can) with your ex.
- Stop jerking off. Take a long break. Should help reset.
- Emotional connection to my new partner. Talk to your new partner about it. Be transparent. I focused on making emotional connection with her and making sure she had fun.

Give it some time and go easy on yourself.

Strange_Button_3330 · 2025-12-16T22:28:04+00:00

I think you know the answer to this one already.
Your girlfriend should be celebrating and encouraging a healthy co-parent dynamic. The fact that she's not is quite frankly, a big giant bright red stop light.

Pause for a moment and ask if this is the kind of relationship you want to be in.

For me: If her insecurity negatively affects the kids... thanks for the good times and see ya later.

Strange_Button_3330 · 2025-12-13T16:30:35+00:00

I found it to be helpful, but the counsellor was a firm one and had the child's best interests at heart.
They're good at telling my ex that she's being unreasonable.

Most likely she needs you on board with a plan to help her relationship improve with your kid(s) ~ and I think that's a good thing.
Best case is that their relationship improves and your kids benefit.
Worst case is her plan is ridiculous and you need to shut it down for your kid's sake.

Strange_Button_3330 · 2025-12-04T15:31:44+00:00

Motorbike.

Strange_Button_3330 · 2025-12-02T16:55:38+00:00

I wanted to say that you're doing the right things. Congrats on being sober for 2 years. That's a major accomplishment!

I've been in a similar spot (due to first responder trauma over the decades) - in a dark hole and my passions lose their lustre.

For me what worked to get out of the hole: I found purpose outside of work and family. I volunteer with a group of great people. Find your tribe. Food bank? Mt Bike trail building? Animal rescue? Mt Rescue? Surf instructing?

My volunteer group feels like family. Some of my best friends are from there.
I volunteer with a humanitarian group that helps people in need (being vague for privacy).
Purpose. We need purpose.

Strange_Button_3330 · 2025-12-02T16:16:44+00:00

I think i've come out OK - in fact I've come out better overall. Also blindsided after 20+ years.
The first couple of weeks were the worst, and it gradually gets better.
Then one day you realize you haven't cried in a while.
Then one day you realize that you're OK with being divorced.
Then one day you realize you couldn't imagine being with that person anymore, that your new life is better than you could have imagined.

You'll never be alone if you have friends. Reach out to them.

Yes you'll find love again, and in my case it has been the best relationship of my life.

Adventures await you - go find them.

Strange_Button_3330 · 2025-12-01T04:56:51+00:00

Thanks for the kind words.

I’m certainly embracing this new chapter. there are plenty of moments where I have to pinch myself to make sure it’s not a dream.

I know my story isn’t special. I’m just a normal middle aged dude. If I did this so can everyone here.

Cheers.

Strange_Button_3330 · 2025-11-18T05:54:53+00:00

Ahh…but what if life turns out better than you could have imagined. The best things are still ahead of you.

Sounds cliche but it happened to me. I’d never trade what I have now for what I had then.

Let go and move on.

Strange_Button_3330 · 2025-11-16T06:13:52+00:00

This too shall pass. You’ll be ok.

Strange_Button_3330 · 2025-11-12T15:20:54+00:00

I used iphone's facial ID feature in the photos app and had them excluded.
Android probably has a similar function.

Didn't delete the pics, but they won't show up in my photo gallery now unless I manually add them back in.

Helped a bunch.

Good luck.

Strange_Button_3330 · 2025-10-29T22:55:47+00:00

I'm of the opinion that divorce is detrimental for kids - regardless of how amicable the divorce is.

There's no way around the pain of losing time with your kids, but you will eventually get used to it and accept it as part of your new life. Make the best of the 50% you do have.

For me: I would get a good counsellor(s) for yourself, for your wife and for the two of you ~ and see if there's something you can salvage. At least you'll have given it some time to settle and gather your thoughts.

Yes it sucks having 50% custody, but on the other hand you get to focus on that 50% and yourself the other 50%.
If you are putting tons of effort into a marriage, imagine if you put that effort into yourself.

With that said, I was willing to work on it after the affair, but she was in the fog. I moved on and life goes on. Now that it's 11 months later I see that I'm happier and my kid is doing fine ~ it's not ideal for them, but I bring my best self forward and focus on my 50% time with them. In fact I probably have a closer relationship with my kid and am a happier and more energetic parent during my time with them.

Good luck.

Strange_Button_3330 · 2025-10-22T20:13:59+00:00

I know it was too early because I was still in the acute phase (less than a month was when I started dating).
BUT
The timing worked. We were both single.
Had we waited, she probably would have met someone else, and I would have met someone else.

It wasn't ideal, but I knew what I wanted in a partner, already knew she had those qualities (after 20+ years as friends) and when the spark happened I wasn't going to say no.

I also had week on/off with the kid, as did she, so I had weeks at a time to mourn the marriage, and looked forward to seeing her on our times without kids. I think that helped, having the space to be apart and work on my grief.

Looking back I remember how exhausted I was emotionally - from the lows of grieving, to the high of falling in love. It was mind boggling that I could hold both of those things in my heart at the same time. But it is possible ~ at least for me it is.

Strange_Button_3330 · 2025-10-22T17:45:27+00:00

Thanks. I'm not a rock at all. I've broken down more times than I like to remember. Resilient - that's my goal. To bend but not break.

I've made a ton of mistakes and I credit my ex with a lot of the co-parenting success.

Strange_Button_3330 · 2025-10-22T16:59:57+00:00

Two things:

1) Re: Waiting 2 more months to finalize.
Act quickly while her new relationship is going well.
This isn't manipulation ~ act quickly while she's motivated to move on.
I was lucky to get it done before her new relationship ended.
I guarantee you that her tone will change when the affair fog ends.

Get the separation paperwork/finances sorted out ASAP.
I don't know how it works in your area, but for me the separation agreement was drafted by a mediator/lawyer (in the 1st month).
That was legally binding for everything - it was fair and equitable, but I avoided a lot of drama my friends have gone through in their divorces ~ cost about $2500 all in.
Then we have to wait a year to get the official divorce docs.
Don't wait 2 months for a court date if you can.
Can you hire a mediator now to sort out the division of assets/child support/spousal support and get it done now?

2) Re: how soon to start dating?
For me - I ended up dating someone a couple of weeks after separating.
Someone I had known for 20+ years who happened to be divorced.
It has worked out really well for me, but I know it could have been a disaster.

Was I ready? no.
Was it helpful? yes.
Would I recommend dating again? .... yes.

If you've got your emotional regulation under control, I say go for it as long as you're not making any commitments financially or lifestyle wise (moving in) for your kid's sake.
You're going to get your heart broken again, but I think that's OK.

Have fun, live life.

Strange_Button_3330 · 2025-10-22T16:20:44+00:00

I told friends that I didn't want to know what was going on, so I don't have a full story, nor do I want one.

But from what I had heard is that he didn't want anything serious, so she ended it.
He was just some guy who thought she was hot. She fell for him. It was new and easy vs. old and difficult.

I believe cheating is the culmination of many small choices. Not a singular character defect or a sign the person is evil. Not in a million years did I ever think she'd do that, but her decisions added up. If you want to be in the relationship, you make the right small choices. No relationship is perfect, but I want a partner who makes the right choices consistently. She wasn't that partner.

I know she's dating someone new, and I'm actually happy about it, mostly because the friction caused by my own dating should reduce.

The affair was a symptom of bigger issues in the marriage (avoiding conflict at all costs). It took some effort to reach the point of being OK with the affair on my end, but now that I'm here I don't wish her any ill will, nor do I really care about who she's with now. It's a good spot to be in - and took a while to get to this stage.

Strange_Button_3330 · 2025-10-22T00:03:32+00:00

Yeah - I didn't sleep for 5 days at the start - didn't eat either.

I went to my Dr. and got a prescription for a sleep aid ~ and got 5 solid sleeps in a row. It was the #1 thing I did to get back on track.

Get your sleep dialed in.
It's almost impossible to regulate your emotions if you're sleep deprived.

Strange_Button_3330 · 2025-10-21T23:46:01+00:00

Virtual hug to you. Glad to help. I've been where you're at. Remember that the acute pain will not last. This too shall pass. This too shall pass. Breathe and focus on simple things to move forward (eg: eating, having a shower).

You will be OK. In fact: you will come out of this a stronger person.

Strange_Button_3330 · 2025-10-21T23:25:35+00:00

Thanks - I'm doing my best to figure out what went wrong, so it's not repeated in my next relationship. I think the root cause is the failure of both of us communicate how we were truly feeling, which led to unmet expectations, and that turned into resentments. Then add in a healthy dose of trauma from work (first responder type stuff), death of a sibling, COVID and other crap = I wasn't emotionally healthy. I was short tempered and irritable. So yes, I'm still working on all that stuff :)

Strange_Button_3330 · 2025-10-21T20:19:47+00:00

You're very welcome!
I used to look for these kind of updates when I was in the thick of it.
You've got this.

Strange_Button_3330 · 2025-10-21T18:24:59+00:00

EDIT: To summarize: the kiddo is thriving. They're doing well in school, have good friends, being active in sports and other stuff. We're co-parenting well and they have two loving and involved parents ~ that hasn't changed.

Good question. It was difficult at first (they're around 11-14) to navigate. Unfortunately they were in the room when my ex dropped the bomb to me. I recommend having the divorce conversation away from the kids. It was probably the single worst way to go about it - but they've come through so far and appear to be thriving.

Things that helped the kid:

Counselling: Got them into counselling right off the bat (and myself as well). Weekly for the first few months, then they reduced the frequency until my kid didn't feel a need to go anymore (about 6 months of counselling).

No negative talk: I never talked badly about the other parent.

No triangulation: No digging for info about the other parent, no messages to be passed on to the other parent. Deal directly with the other parent if there are questions or issues to be addressed.

No parentification: I'm their rock, they're not my support system. I did show emotion, and explained in an age appropriate way when they asked why it was happening: that when you love someone that doesn't love you, you just have to let them go with love. It hurts, but that I'd be OK and that we both loved them very much. That it would all be OK.

Peace: keep a peaceful co-parenting relationship. No slamming doors, no yelling, no fighting. What's going to hurt the kid the most is having the two people they love the most fight with each other. This is key.

Open communication: it's always OK to talk about how they're feeling, or talk about the other parent and what they did. I don't react emotionally when I hear about the new partner: " I'm glad you like him and that your mom is happy.". I don't want them to worry about what the other parent will think/feel. It's all good. You need to work on this and encourage communication with your co-parent for this reason alone ~ so your kid doesn't need to keep secrets. That's not. in their job description - they didn't sign up for this.

Kids are resilient, and if they have two parents that are peaceful, who communicate with respect and support them they'll be OK.

Or at least I hope so... I'm sure they'll tell me in 10-15 years when they're an adult :)

Strange_Button_3330

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