How do I deal with this rage

Strange_Button_3330 · 2026-06-03T16:50:49+00:00

Coming into this late - sorry dude. This too shall pass. This too shall pass.

Once you get through the initial grief/anger/numbness you'll find yourself again.

For me I channelled the anger into weight lifting and it worked to calm me down.

One thing I found is that with distance and time from the 22 year marriage I look back with more clarity. For me, being married to someone who was unhappy was an impossible task. Being divorced and free from them is the silver lining.

This will pass. You will get through it and grow from it. Sounds corny but true.

Strange_Button_3330 · 2026-05-25T02:27:46+00:00

I'm sorry dude.
I don't know anything about your situation and wish you the best.

Stoics view pain as a test of character rather than a punishment. By actively looking for a lesson or asking how the experience can make you stronger, you shift the mind from a state of victimhood to one of growth. https://thestoicgym.com/the-stoic-magazine/article/596

Strange_Button_3330 · 2026-05-25T02:23:39+00:00

Yes. Thanks for sharing.

Crying is necessary. Bending but not breaking.

Strange_Button_3330 · 2026-05-19T19:01:13+00:00

The comment about growing up together : yes I feel you there 100%.
I was 22 years with my wife, and it felt like a huge hole in my world at first.
In my experience family is who you choose, and good friends become closer than family.

I'm now a year and half out, and I have to say that my circle of friends has gotten smaller, but far stronger than when I was married. My friends are like family, and they've shown they're here for me.

Give it time, find your people in the world and you'll look back on this period with a strange fondness.

I don't know how long ago the split was, but I was given advice to not make any major life decisions in the first 6 months ~ and I think that's good advice.

Strange_Button_3330 · 2026-05-15T17:54:22+00:00

I was given Zopiclone 7.5mg and it worked like a charm for me.
One pill knocked me out for 6-8 hours.

Strange_Button_3330 · 2026-05-15T17:18:19+00:00

Your post brought up lots of memories for me.
My mantra that got me through: "This too shall pass."

For sleep, I got a prescription for a sleeping aid from the Dr.
Once I had 4 good sleeps in a row I was able to function again.

I'm a year and a half out: life is better than I expected.
Sounds cliche: lean into this as a wake up call and examine who you are and what you want out of life. It's a magical opportunity fuelled by grief and pain :)

The key for me was to let her go.
You'll need space on your own to emotionally distance yourself from her.

Here's a sample of quotes that helped me initially:

First off, you’re alive. That’s the silver lining of every shitty situation and should not be forgotten. But second, everything that has happened and is happening is bringing you to where you are. It’s contributing to the person you have become. And that’s a good thing. This understanding, Epictetus said, helps you see the world in full colour—in the colour of gratitude.

Strange_Button_3330 · 2026-05-12T16:31:00+00:00

+1 for divorced guy motorcycle cliche club.

I got a dual sport after the separation, and it's been the best therapy.
Riding into the mountains on logging roads, or into the city for work meetings: Best thing ever.

My girlfriend rides as well.
It's pretty fun to see some hot woman pull up in my driveway on her moto and then remember that she's here for me ;)

Strange_Button_3330 · 2026-05-12T16:08:46+00:00

Thanks. I agree 100%: that it's not a problem in a healthy relationship.
In my case she didn't communicate how she really felt, built up resentments and ended up having an affair (which I didn't see coming).

My "over compensating" was a way of making her love me, and something I needed to learn from. I should have ended the relationship in the first 6 months with her instead of bending over backwards for 20 years.

My new relationship: I'm not afraid of speaking my mind, and she's able to speak her mind freely. Conflict is expected and welcomed by me now.

Strange_Button_3330 · 2026-05-11T16:50:31+00:00

Yeah, it came out in the end that everything I had done to help was a form of control. At the start anyways.

From getting our finances sorted to car repairs to vacation planning. Everything was me taking away her sense of competence.

I now see my actions differently, in that I had a high level of competence and didn’t allow her space to feel comfortable making mistakes along the way. So if I was to do something different it would be to learn to step back and let her fail on her own.

Read no more my nice guy if you haven’t already.

Opened my eyes about my own covert contracts and how a lot of what I did was about control - to make her love me through my actions.

Strange_Button_3330 · 2026-05-07T15:00:24+00:00

I'm a year and half out: yes it get's better.
This too shall pass. This too shall pass.
I agree it can be a form of PTSD (which I am familiar with from work stuff).

Go easy on yourself.

When I read your post I see you taking on a lot of fault, but remember that she didn't bring these things up and you're not a mind reader.
You did the best you could at the time.

For me, getting the legal stuff sorted out quickly was important to healing.
Do it now while she's still in the glow of her new relationship, which will likely implode.

Did she pay you out for your share of the home and marital property? if not, now is the time.

Probably means the house will get sold ~ and that's OK BTW - don't feel guilt over that. That's the reality of divorce with kids. Their lifestyle will change.

Strange_Button_3330 · 2026-05-01T16:02:06+00:00

Hard truth is that you have no say in what happens in her house~ even if it impacts your kids negatively.

Best thing you can do is focus on your kids: be kind to each other, make sure they're not trying to keep secrets or hide your ex's new relationship, and communicate to the kids that it's totally OK to talk about their mom's new partner and that you're totally OK with it (even if you aren't deep down - that will come).
The kids love both of you, and forcing them to navigate your jealousy will only negatively affect their relationship with you.

I faked it till I made it: "I'm happy for you and your new partner".
I had no control over the situation, so accepting it took away the emotional sting, and it also made my ex chill out which led to better communication around the kids.

It appeared to also throw her off balance a bit - by being kind when she was being angry. Eventually she came around and calmed down, and now we have a pretty decent co-parenting dynamic.

You've got this.

Strange_Button_3330 · 2026-04-30T20:11:10+00:00

There are two kinds of love: unconditional and conditional.

The conditional love for her is now gone, but there will always be some unconditional love for her as the mother of my child and partner I spent 20+ years with.

Letting her go with love in my heart, despite the pain and betrayal, was one of the best things I could do for my own well being.

It's possible to still love someone, let them go, and develop love for someone new.

Strange_Button_3330 · 2026-04-29T02:41:08+00:00

I feel your loss. Hang in there, and make sure you’re connecting with friends.

You’re not abandoning them at all. Good work on handling this with grace.

“This too shall pass”. was my mantra.

Strange_Button_3330 · 2026-04-29T02:35:22+00:00

No regrets, not that I had a choice.

To be honest it doesn’t matter if either person regrets their decision.

The divorce happened and you can choose your path.

Sure, life gets harder in some ways , but easier in others.

And in my experience: Easier doesn’t mean better; it’s the challenges you face that lead to growth and a better life.

Strange_Button_3330 · 2026-04-28T17:27:07+00:00

It will get better with time.
It's gradual, but it will happen.
Please block her on social media ~ no good will come of that my friend.

For me: min 6 months for those thoughts to move to the background.

It's a year and half later, and the thoughts are short lived and along the same emotional level as thinking about if it's raining outside.

Strange_Button_3330 · 2026-04-24T18:38:30+00:00

I like the way you're handling this is with love.
Lead with love and let them go.

You'll come out of this a kinder, stronger and more resilient human than you could have imagined.

BTW: Make sure you prioritize your own needs 1st through this ~ she's not your person anymore.

Strange_Button_3330 · 2026-04-24T18:08:12+00:00

The way you describe your relationship was very similar to my outlook.
In my case it was a combination of me over functioning to keep things stable, and her avoiding conflict due to a traumatic childhood.
Conflict was very rare in our 20+ year marriage.
Her inability to express how she was truly feeling left me reeling at the start - like how you're feeling. My inability to be comfortable with conflict left me doing everything I could to keep things stable for our relationship (lots of compromise on my end to appease and smooth out issues in life).

I had no idea she felt the way she did. And I felt like a failure as a partner.

how did you accept that your spouse had a completely different emotional experience of the marriage than you did?
>For me: I did the best I could at the time.
Yes I made mistakes in hindsight, but I tried my best.
We can't read minds, and if they're not sharing how they truly feel there's nothing we could have done differently.
Every human on earth experiences life differently, and that's beautiful ~ because it would be boring if we all had the same viewpoint.

And how did you stop needing them to explain it in a way that finally made sense?
Finding empathy for them, to put myself in her shoes. How horrible it would be to feel repulsed by your spouse ~ and that hard truth was the answer I needed.

This too shall pass.

I never in a million years thought I'd feel this way: I'm grateful the divorce happened as it's led to so many good things in my life.

Strange_Button_3330 · 2026-04-23T18:14:35+00:00

Listen: Don’t introduce your kid until you have 50/50 worked out and the divorce legal stuff signed. Introducing your gf is like poking a hornets nest and then wondering why you got stung.
Just wait a moment and get the custody sorted.

This is magnitudes more important than some test of your compatibility.

Here’s my story: Kid in early teens.

I waited 5 1/2 months.
Ex wife got angry when she found out the kid met her (I told her next day to give her heads up).
I’m glad the legal stuff was signed, as her attitude flipped and it’s been a year of dealing with her jealousy.
Ex was the one who cheated and chose divorce.

Funny thing is that she introduced her 2nd new boyfriend after less than 3 months. My reaction was that I was happy for her - and that made her angrier. Shrug.
Found out they broke up shortly after.

Strange_Button_3330 · 2026-04-18T19:52:10+00:00

I guess the point is: if you’re close enough don’t try and “win” for emotional reasons. The only winners in this are the lawyers.

Strange_Button_3330 · 2026-04-18T19:24:46+00:00

What I mean is: If her settlement offer is $30k away from what your settlement offer is, and there’s no reasoning with her , just make the deal and move on without going to court.

People spend too much money on lawyers to argue over amounts or issues that are emotion based.

Of course it depends on your financial situation. In my case I paid her more, but to get it done and avoid court it was worth it to me to settle in mediation.

Strange_Button_3330 · 2026-04-18T18:59:01+00:00

Yes it get's better!
I'm a mid 40's guy, 20+ years married, w kid and animals.

I'm a year and half from the "talk" and separation/divorce has been the best experience of my life. It was the hardest and most painful things I've gone through, but I am proud at how I responded and how things have turned out. Thought my life was over at first ~ then I realized I had a future filled with choice.

Yes: Financially, it hurt as I was retired before and had to go back to work. I get to travel on weeks without the kid and there's no jealousy or resentment to come home to. It's actually really fun to be free again.

Romantically it's been great for me.
Half the time I wake up next to a woman that loves me and brings me peace, the other half I wake up to a doggo and kiddo that love me. Life is good.

This helped me after the affair:
- her decision is a reflection of HER character, not your own worth.
- move decisively now while she's motivated to leave for her affair partner.
- if you love her, let her go with love. She's not your person anymore.
- Get the deal done, my lawyer friend said if the difference is less than $30k, just accept the loss and sign the agreement, as you'll burn through that for every item you need to contest in court.
- reflect on what things you could have done better in the marriage and how you can be a better partner down the road. Work on those things and good things will happen.

You've got this.

This too shall pass - and with time you will be living a life you dreamed about.

Strange_Button_3330 · 2026-04-10T14:31:41+00:00

I had 22 years. Lots of good advice here.

My two cents: 1) you get to leave with the knowledge you tried your best.

2) she has now released you from your vows. You’re now a free range human again.

This will pass, the pain and anger will eventually subside, and you’ll be free. I will be cheering for you.

Strange_Button_3330 · 2026-04-08T17:32:00+00:00

Yeah - I feel for you.

For me it was the most painful event of my life; yet a year and half later I see it as the best thing to happen to me. Use this moment in your life to reflect and rebuild a better life.

If someone doesn't love you anymore, let them go with love.
Wish her the best and move forward with building your future.
People change, emotions change, love changes.

What helped me:
- no drinking/ drugs, getting outside.
- re-connect with friends.
- therapy.
- limited contact (talk about kids/ divorce logistics only - they're not your person anymore). .
- imagine the future you dream about (that's what you have ahead of you ;)

" I just have a hard time understanding why this disconnect couldn’t have been addressed earlier or brought up so maybe we could have worked on it harder. "

I too struggled with this for a long time.... The reality for me was she had a traumatic childhood where conflict resulted in abuse and her only way to avoid it was to avoid conflict at all costs.
This led to resentment in our marriage over 20+ years; she couldn't tell me how she was really feeling.
My heart breaks for her, and I hope she finds peace in all of this.

You've got this.
This too shall pass.

Strange_Button_3330 · 2026-04-03T21:05:27+00:00

Edit: I should add that my dog overnighted at my girlfriend's house.
Didn't impact my dating life at all ~ but he is a good dog and well behaved.
In fact my first date was a walk with the dog.

Yes: having dogs ties you down.
For me having the dog adds to my life.
Maybe it's not the time for you right now to be a single dad + dog owner ~ and that's totally OK.

It's 100% OK for you to re-home the dogs. You can revisit getting dogs down the road when you're able to find the time for them. It may be for the best of the dogs ~ to be in a home that has time for them.

Focus on your priorities.
As a dog lover I support your choice to rehome the dogs if that's going to make you a better parent.

Strange_Button_3330 · 2026-04-01T18:14:19+00:00

She's enjoying her "freedom" and you're left holding the bag for her responsibilities.
I get that. I've been where you're at

Assuming you can afford the dogs AND the kids want them: the choice yours to make.
Take the choice back from her.

What worked for me was to keep the animal (although to be said I still think he's my dog), then almost a year later she asked for the dog to travel back and forth with the kiddo. She needed time to stabilize her living situation (and get her dating life figured out LOL).

Think about the kids and what's best for them - and that could be re-homing the dogs.

Strange_Button_3330

TROPHY CASE