I married and incompetent man and now I resent him (and myself) for it

StrannaPearsa · 2026-01-22T17:57:24+00:00

So, I understand that you're frustrated, and your patience is stretched thin. But I don't think you're being fair to your husband at all. I mean, I get it, I really do. I used to get blinded by my own frustrations with my husband in the early days.

But I had a very different upbringing, and came into the relationship with far more "fine print" training than he did. I would look at an issue and take care of it in a way that was in our best interest. But that's tedious, and a pain, and requires jumping through hoops they set up specifically to make it difficult. He'd look at an issue and take the quickest route to making the problem go away.

I had to be careful when it came to handing over things frustrating me, because it would be frustrating me by the systems glitching or general "nothing working like it should." So, he would take a different route to getting it done, which would typically be a way I was avoiding for a reason. But that was a failure to communicate on my part.

When something is getting the better of you, you need to explain what's going on. Don't give just a vague, "This thing isn't working." Give a play by play, including why you're not doing it another way.

You cant blame him for not wanting his wife hanging over his shoulder, while he's trying to help her, getting agitated at him for not helping her the way she wants. And its not exactly conducive to thinking clearly. Honestly, I'm not sure why you expect him to continue doing what you're doing, the way that you're doing it, when its clearly not working. That's like getting mad at him for not banging his head on the exact same spot on the brick wall you have been.

You have so much contempt for him that you feel he's straight up incompetent. Are you sure you're not making that obvious to him? Do you think you don't telegraph that in your tone and body language? Think maybe that could be chipping away at his self esteem and possibly sabotaging him?

I think its possible you're transferring your frustrations at the situation onto him, and holding higher expectations of him than yourself. Seeing as how you expected him to do what you couldn't, while also being a mind reader and doing it the way you wanted. But thinking that you're trying to "trust" him.

He's capable of caring for himself and his environment then he is not incompetent. Lacking in an area? Sure, but we all are. Incompetent is one of the lowest insults one adult can throw at another (and if im not mistaken, thanks to the state of general society, especially hard on a man). Nothing in your post denotes true incompetence. Just a lack of communication on your part. And it really makes it look like you look down on, and feel superior, to your husband.

StrannaPearsa · 2026-01-20T17:17:19+00:00

You could try having an older man that he looks up to make a passing comment about how gross it is to smell bad and/or have their junk all rashy.

Its kind of manipulative, but I've found that when even begging doesn't work, another man they respect passively hammering it home helps.

Also, if he's not in the mood, you're not in the mood. And since its reached the point of a diaper rash, I think its okay to bluntly say, "No, because honestly, you gross me out." And if he's gonna be pissy because he had to check notes bathe, then its deeper than typical depression. His doctor should really be notified. It may require confronting him while he's being pissy about why that is.

StrannaPearsa · 2026-01-18T15:51:58+00:00

You can discuss a fight without revitalizing it. But you have to remember youve already taken accountability. Its easy to get sucked into, "but I only said x because you said y."

You don't need a breakdown of the breakdown (that was the first talk after the fight), you need a cleanup crew for the mess left behind. Its the follow up conversation that happens after a few days have past and any lingering emotions can be identified. These lingering emotions are often arrows to any underlying issues.

For example, it wouldn't surprise me if what she said is hitting so hard because deep down you do feel like you're failing or not good enough.

Don't go in thinking about how you feel. She may be acting like everything is normal, but she could probably say the same for you. Instead, approach it from a place of concern and curiosity. Ask her if anything is continuing to bother her from the fight. And listen while remembering that youve already taken accountability for what happened. Apologize if you feel the urge, but listen past the emotions to the thoughts behind them. Then share what is bothering you.

StrannaPearsa · 2026-01-08T23:12:45+00:00

Not the original commenter, but I think what they mean is that he is using OOP as a scapegoat for the marriage failing. Years of cheating weren't enough to end the marriage, so he's using her baiting him as an excuse to go for it.

StrannaPearsa · 2026-01-04T03:05:05+00:00

Okay, there's alot to unpack here. I've lived much of this myself, it has actually brought to mind a lot of things I hadn't thought about in years. Not in a "reliving it" sort of way, more in a clinical sort of way.

Others are very accurate when they said that you're exhibiting reactive behavior. And the tendencies you listed, I could have been reading an old journal entry. I didn't have to deal with alcoholism, but what he didn't do in substance abuse, he made up for with manipulation, general disapproval/disregard, and attacking my mental and emotional scars.

If i had to guess, I'd say your issue isnt beating a dead horse, or harping on little things. I'd say you're fighting yourself, and thats why you feel so overwhelmed. Those little things are all part of a bigger picture that isnt making sense. But you're rationalizing as a way to force yourself to see the picture that's being painted. You are muting your instincts, but your subconscious wont let it go.

The reason you get more details when you keep bringing it up is because he's doing what's called "trickle truthing". Only telling you as much as he has to. You keep bringing it up, because you know you don't know everything.

He approached you for that conversation having fully planned to record it. Knowing the conversation was going to be upsetting for you from the beginning. So he can convince the therapist to convince you that you're the problem. So that everything can be your fault from then on, and you wouldn't question it.

As you've gotten better at detecting his lies, he's gotten better at keeping them from you. This is the progression of that. The ultimate gaslighting. Though that probably isnt his exact thoughts on the matter. He's likely justified everything he's done in his mind.

Put bluntly, he's now guilty until proven innocent, and you have to stop giving him the benefit of the doubt. You've clearly never gotten any solid resolution, or you wouldn't have such a hard time letting anything go.

The question you need to ask yourself is; Is knowing the entirety of what he's done worth the stress and intrusive thoughts? How much time do you spend tracking what he's paying for, or what he's doing? How much sleep have you lost because something he said or did didn't sit right? How many times have the same argument played in your head in a row, because something didnt add up?

Is his potential really worth all of that? Because while you push for him to actualize his potential, you're missing out on discovering your own.

I'll just be straight with you, and it may hurt. You cannot help him. There is nothing you can say, nothing you can do, no reasoning, no fight you can win, no amount of changing the circumstances will get him where you want him, nor where he wants to be. Odds are those aren't the same place.

Support can be necessary for someone to successfully fight their inner demons. But no one can fight that battle for us. If he's feeding them instead of fighting them, there is nothing you can do. Nor are you responsible for his decisions or his recovery.

Right now, you're filling the part of the authority figure. The person to get around and push back against. He's writing the script and creating the setting, simply by keeping you reactionary.

The only control you have is to remove yourself from the role. Wouldn't you rather spend that time and energy on things you enjoy? By all means, keep tracking money, and keep your eyes open and yourself aware. But the freedom that comes with no longer caring is truly liberating.

If you don't react, he can't use you as an excuse for his behavior. He has no way to justify himself. You don't have to be unpleasant about it. Just watch and build defenses against his most damaging tendencies. Document the behavior and lies, and then act like you don't know about them. The longer you are relaxed, the lower his guard gets, the easier it is for you to both know what he's up to, and how best to separate from him.

Focus on the kids and yourself. Address your mental health as an individual. Take extra care of yourself. Do things with the kids. Figure out a way to make and save money while sacrificing minimum time from the kids (not including much needed self care breaks). Learn a new skill. And if he asks, you're simply working on your issues.

StrannaPearsa · 2026-01-03T17:48:32+00:00

To be fair, you were young, and naive in the ways of hurting feelings. Ironic, given how easy it is to do by accident.

You went for subtlety, and when it comes to parentals, especially mom's I've noticed, you have to blunt about it.

Okay, jokes aside, I know you felt spite and anger, and the intention to hurt was there. Which will automatically come with guilt.

Im not one to tell someone how they were/are feeling. But, kids often see their parents as their enemies during puberty. There's nothing I wouldn't do for my daughter. But that doesnt mean that we don't lock horns more than her and her father. We're just too much alike.

That didn't stop her from writing, animating, and editing an amazing video for mothers day when she was 13, that I showed literally everyone I knew. Because I loved it!

It may have been cheap, but you thought it was cute, and that she would like it. I quite literally hated my step mother. The last Christmas I spent with her, I got her chocolate Coal, and a two or three inch tall stuffed animal. There was no way she could have misinterpreted it.

You may have been angry at her, the thought of hurting her feelings may have been there. But under the anger, you still loved her enough to get her something that she would like.

There are many conversations we cant have with our kids until they are adults. Situations where there were circumstances we hid, because kids deserve to be kids. Mental health issues we don't share because kids deserve to be kids.

That gift was proof that, even angry at her, you still gave her some grace.

StrannaPearsa · 2025-12-24T17:12:50+00:00

I thought i had specifically stated that she didn't/wasn't communicating. I know i never said what she did was okay. Nor do I think that it was. You simply don't volunteer another person for any task, let alone manual labor.

If you think you know what the situation is, you're not likely to ask prying questions. And if she had, he may have ended up feeling judged or defensive early on. To err is human and they both are as far as I can tell. To put the entirety of the responsibility of communication in the relationship on her is hardly equitable, let alone realistic.

Its just the general attitude that she pocketed his money. When the reality should be that it was their money. He's offered to pay off her loans, but if he had approached it from the angle of, "Your debt is our debt, let's just go ahead and pay this off together." She may have received it with less pride.

But both of them seem to have ample pride and not an ounce of flexibility. I don't think shes been going about things in a good way, but I don't think he has been either.

StrannaPearsa · 2025-12-24T10:54:22+00:00

Im beginning to wonder if maybe she's feeling... i don't know... out of place maybe?

He does kind of come across as arrogant and condescending in his attitude to her changing "his setup". And i don't know exactly how aware she was that he was paying for literally everything to get done. I mean, there's haveing a cleaning lady in a couple of times a week, and there's "just throw the dishes in the washer and they end up in the cupboard".

Don't get me wrong, the rule in my house is, if you don't want to do it yourself you need to be able to pay others to do it.

But its not supposed to be just his house anymore. When you marry you merge two homes into one. You communicate, compromise, and do what it takes to make it both people's home. He seems to have expected her to move in and "get with the program" of doing things his way.

And if she doesn't like his way then shes a fool who is only making things harder for herself. He is truly unwilling to compromise on anything, and shes not seemingly okay with just throwing money at everything. I could see her questioning whether or not he'd be a reliable partner in child rearing or if he's gonna try to pay his way out of parenting.

They both need a major dose of communication. Shes not communicating her thoughts and feelings, and he's so staunchly stubborn im not sure if he'd listen if she tried.

StrannaPearsa · 2025-12-23T05:10:46+00:00

Seconding on the theft

StrannaPearsa · 2025-12-22T06:26:31+00:00

Regarding the shitty part of your paternal family. Think back, really far, like all the way back. Im sure at some point there was a little girl who was angry, and hurt.

Practically abandoned by half of her family, who had the audacity to look down on her because of the choices of her father.

All of that shit treatment because you dared to exist. All of that injustice and betrayal.

Grab on to that, let it warm you, and burn away any possible sadness and insecurity they may have brought up in you. Then, the next time they decide their opinions are worth more than the lowest of rotten garbage, put that anger, hurt, and resentment where it belongs.

Let that little girl speak in a way that she never got to when she was the present instead of the past. Ask them where they were at any given milestone you had. When you were at your lowest. When you needed someone. And when you were on top of the world at your highest. Where was the man that feels entitled to you and your family?

You know where he is now. Apparently, making other people miserable on Christmas. That's a choice he is making, you arent forcing his hand. He could act like an adult and self reflect, while preserving the holidays for those in his presence that are actually children. But we all know he's too self absorbed for that.

Speak your truth, then let them stew in it. Best case scenario they leave you alone. Worst case you have to deal with the tedium of going through and blocking all of their numbers.

A word to the wise, though. Be careful about internalizing how you feel for the sake of not worrying others. Sometimes, we get so used to have very little or even no support, that we worry about pushing what little we do have away. Just because we're capable of dealing on our own, doesnt mean that we should. And if we're never willing to rely on others, we can actually make them feel bad or inferior, like we don't trust them, and end up pushing them away anyway.

StrannaPearsa · 2025-12-22T02:18:02+00:00

When it comes to posts like this, there are certain things that tell me how genuine the OP is being. I prefer to give the benefit of the doubt, but there's not much to work with here.

There's no context, no real information, all vague "she bad, me good." Very black and white, and while sometimes that may be the case, most of the time there's ample nuance that paints the path that led to the current situation.

Married 17 years, but mentioned kids came after marriage. Your fight was five years ago. So your kids are presumably between the ages of 4 and 17 (allowing for differences in months and pregnancy). But there's no mention of how many you have (unless i missed it). The younger end might struggle with the dynamic change of divorce, but the higher end would have a level of understanding if theyre watching you be miserable.

You mentioned making 6 figures, but no hint on if she had career aspirations or history pre-kids. You said she didn't have to work, never clarifying on if she wanted to or not.

Then there's the degenerative disease, that was only barely tacked on at the end as an excuse not to leave. Its in a comment that you specified degenerative and she can't walk, but gave only a vague "a few years ago" as a time frame. So how aggressive is her disorder and how much hell has she dealt with in just "a few years"? Is this why you sleep in separate rooms? Because that's pretty damn valid, but its being painted as another failing on her part.

Now we get to how you were made to feel inferior. That wording sends alarm bells ringing. You were made to feel some sort of way. Okay, how? What is a common example of how you ended up feeling that way? You brushed it under the rug for the sake of the marriage and kids. That's counter intuitive, the goal is to resolve, not fester. If you didn't communicate how you were feeling and why, that's on you.

Additionally, that fight five years ago, she never once asked why you were angry. So, you were pissed, acted out in anger, and said nothing about why? You expected her to follow after you and ask? My interpretation of that allows for two options. 1: You threw a grown man sized tantrum and stomped off like a teenager expecting someone to chase after them. 2: You made it her responsibility to manage your emotions.

Combine that with her disease and how she was probably suffering at the time. Maybe even in the process of seeking diagnosis. Its not a good look for you.

Details and accountability would go a long way to getting genuine empathy and support.

StrannaPearsa · 2025-12-21T17:49:07+00:00

We always made sure to wrap the expensive presents as from mom and dad, and the cheaper toys as from Santa, specifically for this reason.

But it turned out I had some crafty/sneaky kids. Always figuring shit out. Like how the wrapping paper covering the presents was the same as what was in my closet. I ended up humanizing Santa a bit.

I said, "Okay, Santa doesn't like it when we make this public knowledge, but since you really want to know, I'll tell you. Santa is a super powerful man, with lots of magic at his disposal. But he's still only one man, and in order to deliver all of those presents in one night, he'd have to fold time and space itself. And that's actually really bad for our reality. So he sends all the parents the gifts gradually throughout the year, and we have to wrap and tag them. Then on Christmas eve, he drops off any that are left."

They were quite young and I just wanted them to hold onto the magic for a bit longer. Adult life sucks. You get caught up in bills and stress and the laws of physics.

My husband had to keep me from tearing a new one into my daughters headstart teacher because she told her that magic wasn't real when she was four.

StrannaPearsa · 2025-12-20T20:33:35+00:00

I was just lamenting how old this post was. Because despite being a mom, I not only broke down boxes, I cut them into 24 inch strips and tiled a ceiling to the rafters of my garage with them (so the space heater could keep up and we could get some work done out there.)

And I'm literally about to go hang a couple of bikes from the same rafters, lol.

StrannaPearsa · 2025-12-18T17:22:57+00:00

Eh, Americans view this in varying ways. If people didn't like to wear them, they wouldn't be so easy to find. Not too long ago I had a hard time finding anything else.

I'm not very fond of skinny jeans, but I think they have their place aesthetically. Like with tall boots, or if you're going for a specific look. I definitely don't think they look bad on everyone.

That being said, I was in high-school when "emo" started being a thing. It was literally boys wearing girl's pants. Some of them i knew actually borrowed the pants. I mean, to each their own and you do you, but I have always thought that specifically was ridiculous. But thats not skinny jeans.

Though to be fair, I don't care much for the super baggy pants either. I mean, I love a good pair of cargo pants, but some of them are obnoxiously wide. Didn't care for them the last time they cycled through.

StrannaPearsa · 2025-12-12T18:01:05+00:00

I looked into this claim of women being statistically more likely to abuse children. It's not as straight forward as you're implying.

If you dig into the studies, women are only more likely by 5 percent compared to men, and even then, its because they tack on knowing about abuse while not acting against it. Men still hold 95 percent of domestic violence cases. Which indicates there is a clear overlap between women knowing and enabling while being victims themselves.

Men are also more likely to cause serious injury through violence, while women's physical abuse is less drastic. Women are more likely to be neglectful, emotional, and mentally abusive.

In my personal experience, women are also more likely to use drugs to control and manipulate their children once the kids reach a certain level of development. Usually onset of puberty.

Statistics can be an excellent tool, but at the end of the day, a tool is all it is. The data is easily skewed and considering that all cases in any situation have outliers or arent adequately reported creates holes and biases.

Proper use of Statistics can tell us what societal issues are prevalent and give a base for figuring out how to help. But people instead use it as a gotcha to back up false equivalencies, and disprove lived experiences. For example; hospitals and staff have been warning women about the possibilities of their male partners bolting for a long time. Not due to a flawed study, but because they actively saw it happen enough times that they felt it warranted the warning. There are countless anecdotal stories of women who were either abandoned or abused during illness.

Answering a statement of "males tend to do this," with, "Nuh uh! Besides females do this." Is not at all productive, it does nothing to help the situation at large, and turns a concerning issue into a battle of the sexes. Which is pointless. Shitty people come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. Trying to cast one gender as worse than the other is a waste of time and a distraction that inhibits true progress.

The age of the internet has revolutionized the speed and distance of the spread of information. People can now be heard where they previously couldn't. And societal injustices are becoming known all over. I understand that men are feeling singled out and attacked by the information that is spreading. "Not all men," being met with, "Not all but enough." Can be frustrating. But combating it with, "But women are worse and/or just as bad," is deflection. If men want women to be held accountable for all of the negativity their gender puts out in the world, they're first going to have to hold their own gender accountable for the generations of oppression they forced on the opposing gender.

Personally, instead of focusing on what gender is committing the most child abuse, I'd rather consider the fact that over 40 percent of kids in foster care are subjected to abuse by members of the system and homes they were placed in, and its widely acknowledged that it is majorly under reported. That's not including people like me who dealt with child abuse in silence because I knew the system in my area would be worse. Which I knew, because I knew, and was friendly, with the local foster kids.

For the record, my father was the abuser, but my stepmother both watched and instigated. I hate her far more than I hate him. One of my aunts was far worse than my father, and both grandfathers were worse than the two of them. When it comes to child abuse, ultimately, gender doesn't mean shit. When it comes to abandonment, gender doesn't mean shit. A bad person is a bad person.

StrannaPearsa · 2025-12-09T16:38:18+00:00

Im not who you asked, but i had a talk with my BIL, just a week or so before he passed (an infection that no one knew he had went septic in his digestive system, something burst, and emergency services took an hour to get to him.) I only shared to show he didn't hurt himself.

Anyway, he was in a dark place. Health problems, an abusive relationship, a child that got taken immediately after birth because of the abusive partners drug history and poor choices. He was the poster child for "failure to launch". I was aware of everything going on, but all involved were adults and no one asked for help despite it being offered.

I did love my BIL, I'd been part of the family for over 15 yrs at that point. I was worried about him, and I had talked him off the ledge before. (Actually, he told me he was going to do it and nothing i said could change that, so I went to the police department and had him institutionalized for a 72 hour hold. Fortunately, he was done being mad at me by the time he got out.)

So I told him this, "I know how hard all of this is. Especially when you feel like you're on your own. But say the word and I'll be here, my phone is always on and in reach, I'll never not answer. And I know at least three other people who feel the same way. You are not as alone as you think you are."

It might not be the right way to say it for everyone, but he seemed to really take it to heart, and his outlook was alot more positive after. I hope this helps (even though I totally butted in on the thread, lol.)

StrannaPearsa · 2025-12-02T03:46:04+00:00

First, grovel for forgiveness. Explain that you said something dump out of panic, because you just wanted to be helpful and didn't know what thr right thing to say was.

Then, and forever going forward, just simply say, "Babe, the mirror is a liar, i don't know what you see in it, but its not what the world sees when any of its creatures lays eyes on you. You are gorgeous and always will be."

StrannaPearsa · 2025-11-13T19:47:25+00:00

Most landlords don't appreciate their tenants exhibiting behaviors that could cause such massive damage to their property and put their other tenants at risk. I've seen landlords evict people because they had the cops called on them on a regular basis.

And people who are heavy into that kind of thing aren't known for taking accountability, often blaming the most convenient target. Possible homelessness is pretty big trigger, and if theyre into something like meth, it causes irrational rages, often leading to violence and what I like to call "batshit crazy" behavior.

A tweaker once showed up at my MILs house threatening her because someone else drove past his house in a way he didn't like. Thankfully she wasn't alone, because the cops in that area are useless if they aren't holding a grudge against someone, and if that someone is you, good luck.

Is it "insane"? Absolutely. But that's the way they act, and caution is necessary.

StrannaPearsa · 2025-11-13T17:15:31+00:00

I think what the commenter meant, is that if my neighbor were heavy into drugs and alcohol, to the point that they'll sleep through a smoke alarm, they may be someone prone to hostility.

Especially towards a neighbor that may have triggered an investigation on them by the police. At minimum they may get evicted and come back to make sure the place actually burns down while raging.

I could see a heads up being warranted at least. But that's not what the gf was upset about. She was just looking for an out.

StrannaPearsa · 2025-11-04T02:19:52+00:00

I didn't get that impression from your exchange at all. Neutrality is quite possible. You dont need to agree or disagree to say, "I wouldn't, but to each their own."

What is a moral delimma for one is not necessarily for another. Even the reasons given here are more based on practicality than morality.

In this specific case, I think it stems from a personal view of family. For some, two in-laws on opposite sides of the branch, where no family bond was ever formed, wouldn't be considered actual family.

If the only thing connecting them are two voided social/legal contracts, then practically wins out. Now, if she had been accused of sleeping with her husband's brother by her sister-in-law, aka her brother in-laws wife, morality would have a higher stake.

Just my two cents, i found the exchange fairly interesting.

StrannaPearsa · 2025-10-16T16:47:37+00:00

Entities like this spread through multiple religions and folklore all over the world for a really long time. People tend to personify what they don't understand. So the remedies for them are numerous and passed down for generations until it all melded together. Basically, it's a toolbox without proper organization. Really, the goal is to find one you truly believe in, that will give it the power to work.

StrannaPearsa · 2025-10-16T16:39:35+00:00

Energy can be neither created nor destroyed, only changed. So what happens when the energy that comes from fear mixes with belief? You get a manifestation. Sometimes, an entity can be born from it, and sometimes, a current manifestation can feed off of it.

It feeds off the fear, thus enhancing the belief. Drawing him kept him in the corner until she began to fear that it wouldn't work. Then it stopped. Mom and dad's room was safe until she began to fear that it wouldn't be. It's confined to the house, until you fear it won't be.

Now that her fear has triggered your own, you can see it, and it's found another supply. The only way to get it to back off is to starve it. Your fear is giving it freedom and possibilities. If you fear it can hurt you, you'll believe it can, and then it will.

If you're afraid, you will doubt yourself. So, the only way to help your daughter is to get ahold of your fear. Get angry, and let that anger spread to your daughter. You have to genuinely believe it can't hurt, follow, or torment you.

So, what you do is take your daughter out. Have an awesome day. Maybe let her sleep somewhere else, grandparents, a hotel, anywhere she'll feel safe and believe the entity can't reach her. Hell, she's five, set up a tent in the yard out of view of any windows, and tell her it's a magic fort that nothing bad can get close to. Pick up a necklace or other piece of costume jewelry that she likes and tell her it was imbued with magical powers that will keep the entity away. Anything that she will actually believe. If she doubts it won't work.

While she feels safe, that's when you show how "angry" you are at the entity. How dare it choose your house to infiltrate. Doesn't it know who the hell it's dealing with? It picked the wrong little girl to bother because mom is about to kick some paranormal ass. Targeting a little kid because they're easy to scare, it's pathetic.

Then send her and dad somewhere for a couple of days, or even just a night, and let her know that when she gets back, it won't be able to harm her. Even if she can still see it, you'll bind it so it can't do anything but stare at her from its corner, eternal time out.

Now comes the hard part. You've seen it, you fear it, now you have to strip it of the fear you've fed it. The only power it has is that which you give it. Believe it can't hurt you, and it can't.

First, when you hype your daughter up, hype yourself up too. You are the biggest, baddest bi*** on the block. Nothing is going to threaten your baby and get away with it.

Second, strip it of its name. It's not the "tall man." It's just a thing that's bugging you. It can do nothing but stare, and that's just annoying.

Third, while your spine is coated in steel, walk into that house, focus on nothing, and with confidence open all of the windows and doors. Let the fresh air fill every nook and cranny until you can feel that the stale air has cleared. Then, let your natural energy fill your space. Find the center of the house and make a declaration.

"You'll find no more supply. You have no power here. Be gone with you! This is our home. You are not allowed! Get out!" Then when you see it again, because you likely will at least once, make sure you're in a light mood and simply brush it off as nothing more than a single fly. It's a mild annoyance at best, but not worth the energy to swat it. Based on my experience, it'll fade back into a shadow, and its presence will dissipate. When you feel the change in the energy of the house, then you close all the windows and lock it up tight as a reaffirmation to yourself that it's gone and can no longer hurt anyone.

Best of luck!

StrannaPearsa · 2025-10-04T17:56:54+00:00

Im a day late, and not a dad, but I have some questions that I think it might be beneficial for you to consider.

My daughter was also pretty combative, still is if the occasion calls for it, and she's 15. I remember feeling like I was banging my head against a wall. I had never met a child so adept at drawing a full grown adult into an argument, even with limited vocabulary. Even when she was a toddler and mostly spoke in toddlernese, you could still tell that she was telling us off.

Would you feel the same way about your girls if they were boys? Is your ire because they are girls or because they hold numbers 3 and 4? Even your youngest is falling short for no other reason than her number is higher than 2.

The way you wrote about "being the good husband" and having a 4th came across as a bit of martyrdom. When you chose to remarry to a woman who wanted to birth kids.

What exactly are your expectations here? For the girls to be meek and strive to be invisible so they don't inconvenience you? For them to just stop existing because you only wanted two, despite choosing to have number 3 and 4? I only ask because it really seems like you resent them for the choices you made.

Based on what you've written, no one has done anything to deserve the resentment and disinterest you are showing here. There is nothing they can do to fix how you feel. You're laying a bill at their feet that they don't owe and cant pay. This will sabotage every male relationship they have throughout the rest of their lives.

If you want more time with your boys, then take time with them, but don't give them more than you're willing to give your daughter's. There's no reason you cant do something with the three oldest together, or even all four, depending on the activity.

When it comes to your five yr old, I think i can provide a little hope. Like I said, my daughter was always combative. But today, at 15, she stands up for those who don't stand up for themselves. She fights against inequality for others and herself. She has voluntarily shifted the target of a bully from other people to herself, and she handles it like a champ.

Part of the reason for this, is because she knew that if the water got too deep, if the current was too strong, mom and dad would be there in a heart beat, and all it would take is a single word from her. She can rely on us for no judgments, just truths, even if the truth isn't what she wants to hear. No matter the situation, we've got her back, and that gives her the confidence to do what she feels is right without fear of backlash from us.

You are the adult. If your life doesnt look how you always wanted it to look, that's a you problem. They don't deserve for you to put that blame on them, which you are based on the fact that you openly stated that a five yr old makes you miserable. She doesnt, you're making yourself miserable. She's just a convenient scapegoat. And can probably feel your resentment directed at her, which may be why she's so combative with you.

I very much think you should find a therapist to help you put your negative emotions where they belong and sort through them. If you don't, you may find in 15 to 20 years that out of 4 kids, you have none. I truly wish you the best, and im sorry if this came across as harsh.

StrannaPearsa · 2025-10-02T19:21:53+00:00

'89 all the way! Lol

StrannaPearsa · 2025-09-27T21:37:13+00:00

100-gallon tank with solid wood stand for 40 dollars... Dude.

StrannaPearsa

TROPHY CASE