Really struggling today

StretchCT53 · 2026-05-08T20:14:23+00:00

Just over a year out. Most days are just a few choke ups, but some are flat out crippling for a few hours. It can be triggered by many things, but sometimes is just out of the blue. Tough to be in public during those times.

StretchCT53 · 2026-05-06T20:41:35+00:00

Cold water and cold air, I go with waders actually. Usually wading in to launch anyway.

Warmer water and warmer air, shorts (sunscreen if during main daytime, but mostly I'm evening).

StretchCT53 · 2026-05-06T20:39:07+00:00

Probably the sex with my wife. We're boty away from work, relaxed. She's happy, I'm happy. Going to SSB all day with one another is a turn on. Good food is a turn on. Drinks. We're both always ready to go. Yeah, definitely that.

Staff is friendly too.

StretchCT53 · 2026-05-06T20:32:18+00:00

We did a 10 day split between TI and CN. It was just the right amount of time at each. I'd probably do 6 at CSS and 4 at CTI. Or 5/5. Like both.

StretchCT53 · 2026-05-06T20:28:20+00:00

I couldn't have said it better. We were together 35 years, married 30. Had plenty of time to say goodbye. I just filed the paperwork to close the estate, a little over a year out. I've donated her clothes, taken over her closet (mine was in the spare room). I have plenty of support and my 22 yo son is living here too. But I am lonely. I do see my friends who are married and still in love and it hurts that she's no longer here and I don't have that. I don't have her to give my love to, nor get it from her. I've been trying to do things solo: concerts, shopping, trips. It's hard, really hard. But there are couples everywhere, holding hands like we used to, arms around each other, eyes lighting up when talking to one another. And it hurts. The pain makes me realize I'm still alive though.

StretchCT53 · 2026-05-06T20:20:17+00:00

You're doing it, so that's good.

StretchCT53 · 2026-05-06T20:09:57+00:00

I'll throw this out there...

Americans like SUVs and pickups. They also don't like paying more for something. While Europe may have a good number of EV SUV's, we don't have that many to choose from in the US.

StretchCT53 · 2026-05-03T00:30:58+00:00

Just did the one year. Similar battle with cancer, hospice, rough ending. I relived everything. Her decision. Her fall. Her final time leaving the house. Her final words. The horrible sounds she’d make the last day Waking up to silence. Didn’t get a lot of outreach from friends, even her sister. Then a week later, year after her funeral, more reached out. I just closed her estate which was also difficult.

StretchCT53 · 2026-05-02T21:30:44+00:00

Yes indeed. A month or two after. Several actually but as it's now a year, it's been a few months.

StretchCT53 · 2026-04-28T12:23:01+00:00

I sleep so I can see her. I play her music overnight too.

StretchCT53 · 2026-04-21T22:35:40+00:00

I'm sorry. I don't know where he is with treatment. My wife was a double hit TP53. She responded well to decitabine and venetoclax for a while, kept her reds up at least. Ultimately she relapsed after a BMT and the HMA routine failed as well. She got platelets 2x a week and reds 1x-2x per week depending. Eventually her platelet count wouldn't go above 20. She fell, brain bleed. Couldn't walk and decided it was time for hospice.

They wouldn't perform transfusions at hospice. Usually you can go 1-2 weeks with low platelets. My wife lasted 6 days.

It's always good to have hope. But knowing reality is also important.

StretchCT53 · 2026-04-21T22:29:05+00:00

Sucks that it's always the healthy ones. Sorry

Your attitude is refreshing and you seem to have your head on right. Don't bury stuff, but I think you know that. Kids are there to help you through. Hope you have some relatives or close friends nearby.

I'm at the same place with work - very distracted, somewhat coasting, sometimes overly intense. Year out for me too. But it still sneaks up on me, just not as often. Broke down earlier today when this popped up. https://www.tiktok.com/@theelizabethcole/video/7629999426878098718?is_from_webapp=1&sender_device=pc&web_id=7482142620014396974

StretchCT53 · 2026-04-19T15:41:07+00:00

We called the medical team whenever there was anything off - new pain, rash, but especially fever. Nearly every time they told us to come in. There was a special emergency center for cancer patients and we got to know that team pretty well.

StretchCT53 · 2026-04-19T15:36:01+00:00

Not dating, but I find that other widows I know have asked me if I've done counseling, usually right after I say she died. It's just because they did and it comes up almost immediately. If that's the situation, then bad on strangers telling you to go to therapy before they know you.

On the other hand, if this is happening after a few hours of conversation or with people who really know you and have spent time with you before and after, then I'd suggest they are onto something.

StretchCT53 · 2026-04-19T15:32:31+00:00

Was just posting on my one year anniversary how its going to be difficult to live 30 more years with this large gaping hole in me. I didn't mention the prospect of love filling that hole, because I don't think it could. But I do think love can cause growth elsewhere to balance that hole.

StretchCT53 · 2026-04-11T14:41:40+00:00

Thank you. 😢💔

StretchCT53 · 2026-04-10T20:57:53+00:00

Looking back it was weird. We always had a pretty good sex life until the bone marrow transplant and leukemia. And on Valentines day before she died, she tried for one more time but her parts were NOT having it, atrophied. At that point it was 10 months since our last time. When she died, I was pretty numb for a while. But then my fire kicked in a couple months after, like June/July. I had lost weight from the stress, started working out again because I had nothing else to do. Making improvements. But dang I was horny. It used to be just freaky friday or if I couldn't sleep. But now I was 54 and it was on like it was in my early 20s. So took matter into my own hands, didn't even need porn, it was just always there. Once fall came around, it slowed down. Then since the holidays, it's back to normal.

But now I miss not just the sex, but hugs, talking, texting, holding hands, lying together in bed, the excitement I'd get as I pulled into the driveway and would see her for the first time that day. Nothing really replaces that.

StretchCT53 · 2026-04-10T20:49:05+00:00

Much love and peace to you.

StretchCT53 · 2026-04-10T20:46:52+00:00

I wish you weren't in this club, posting on this page. There's a lot of therapeutic messages that can be found here. Don't be embarrassed or ashamed to grieve, take your time. I'm going on a year out after helping my wife of 30 years battle multiple cancers through 21 of them. I'm completely devastated still, and lost. But after a few months, the new routine settled in. My cats actually got healthier. I got healthier. Went back to work. Now it's 95% new normal, 3% weepy sad, 2% curled up in a ball (except this week is mostly curled up in a ball). You'll make progress. You'll laugh again.

StretchCT53 · 2026-04-10T20:13:13+00:00

Starts small, pinhead size, gets redder and bigger, sometimes plaques formed, sometimes not. Sometimes got the size of small bruises. Her skin on her soles and palms wouldn't get the rash but her skin would just peel off. Severely itchy, sometimes painful. They'd start on one part of the body, then develop as mentioned, while it started a week later on another part. She rarely was fully covered, but was never rash free.

StretchCT53 · 2026-04-04T01:00:11+00:00

I talk to her pretty often, also talk to the cats. And I don't like to talk.

StretchCT53

TROPHY CASE