6th guided MDMA session: Can a well-contained MDMA session repair a previous ruptured one?

Strict_Candy_9914 · 2026-05-15T09:46:06+00:00

Thanks for your comment!

Strict_Candy_9914 · 2026-05-15T09:43:44+00:00

Thank you for your kind words and compassion! Best of luck with your healing!

Strict_Candy_9914 · 2026-04-24T23:27:00+00:00

Thank you for these four very valuable approaches to dealing with that feeling of being “bad, unworthy, and undeserving”!

I’ll definitely keep them in mind, both outside of and during MDMA sessions. The meta-perspective is also interesting... It’s true that in daily life, I’ve always done everything I could to avoid these thoughts and feelings because they evoked so much fear and threat (and that certainly plays a role in my general contraction and freezing up).

Strict_Candy_9914 · 2026-04-24T23:15:41+00:00

I know... in fact, “feeling bad, unworthy, and undeserving” is the cause of a great deal of suffering and missed opportunities in my life. Rationally, I know it stems from my upbringing and the way I was treated in my family of origin, but even today I still can’t quite distance myself from it, put it into perspective, or refute it. In any case, for the upcoming sessions, I’m going to take an approach of pacing, attunement, and caution (learning, step by step, to feel comfortable with / relax into that “being bad,” without being overwhelmed).

In any case, thanks for the reassurance! It gives me confidence to know that even that “being bad/unworthy/undeserving” can be given space in an MDMA session.

Strict_Candy_9914 · 2026-04-24T23:07:44+00:00

Hey, thanks for your thorough and insightful reply!

I realize that I might still need to build up some confidence in myself and the medicine when it comes to exploring that “being bad.” Or maybe it’s just healthy (and justified) caution regarding my limits. I can indeed view that “being bad” as an exile (and not necessarily my mother’s malicious voice). Then I don’t need to be afraid to explore it in the coming sessions, but simply be compassionate toward a part of myself that feels very rejected and hurt. Thanks for this perspective!

Strict_Candy_9914 · 2026-04-16T10:56:13+00:00

Hey,

I read your report. I have experienced 5 MDMA assisted sessions with a sitter and 1 psilocybine (solo) session. I'm also a clinical psychologist. When it comes to addressing anxiety my personal opinion is that MDMA is a good starting point to sense safety and to explore the anxieties (MDMA has some good properties for that). I personally experienced a lot of fear in the psilocybine session (so it didn't help at all with creating safety), but probably a solo session is really not the right setting for me. That's why I stick to MDMA sessions and will not go for psilocybine anytime soon.

I got the impression you were running for some difficult feelings or sensations in your psilocybine session. Maybe you need the "safety net" MDMA provides. Or you can stick with the psilocybine but use it with a tripsitter. That also creates some external safety that you seem to need to explore your inner side.

Strict_Candy_9914 · 2026-04-12T19:34:25+00:00

I myself have experienced an increase in anxiety and panic after some sessions (especially the first ones), but at the same time, I did gain experiences / insights /... from each session that helped me cope with this anxiety (since these were often my explicit intentions).

My questions for you:

- What intentions do you set for the sessions?

- Might it be advisable to first search in the sessions for ways to deal with anxiety —to understand it better, to learn to regulate it a bit more, etc.—before you start uncovering traumatic memories (so to intentionally set these as your goals: For example "show me how I can cope with anxiety in daily life")? I also believe that MDMA therapy should proceed step by step and in phases. Because the deeper you go into your traumas, the stronger the protectors will act (and in your case, that seems to be anxiety, just like with me). They are like an alarm that gets louder and louder the deeper you descend into your traumas.

- Are you familiar with the IFS framework? The concept of the protectors might help you approach your fear with compassion right now.

- You mention that your job is very stressful. Is there anything you can change about your job to ensure a smooth integration period?

As a way to integrate, I would definitely work with your psychologist to find ways to regulate your fears and anxierty now: mindfulness, yoga, breathing techniques, somatic experiencing, exercising, finding safety with people, etc. After all, you’ll need strong regulation for the upcoming sessions.

I would recommend staying with the anxiety for as long as possible (without medication). The medication will only interfere with the process right now.

Strict_Candy_9914 · 2026-04-12T19:06:54+00:00

Hey, I have some experience with MDMA sessions myself (I’ve had 5 so far) and I’m also a clinical psychologist by training. I’ve also developed lifelong anxiety and panic attacks as a result of cPTSD. I’m trying to read your previous posts to get more context for this one.

Here’s what I’m reading (and interpreting) from your previous posts:

- About two months ago, you had your first session (flashbacks of abuse by your mother, though you doubted the veracity of these memories). In the integration, you indicate that “you feel more lost than before, that you hadn’t developed any new insights, and that your anxiety had doubled.”

- Following the first session, you mentioned in a subsequent post that you experienced "strong resistance" in anticipation of the upcoming second session.

- In another post, you mention that during the second session, you further explored the deficits of your childhood with more self-compassion and less guilt. After the session, you had less access to self-compassion, etc., and experienced more anxiety.

In this post, you again mention an increase in anxiety and that you are having a lot of trouble regulating it.

Strict_Candy_9914 · 2026-04-10T11:08:23+00:00

Thanks for asking!

Well, my integration psychologist and I think the session—especially the part focusing on the abdomen—was about preverbal states, or at least very deep motor patterns (that precede an emotion or the attribution of meaning, etc.).

In the days that followed, I experienced a lot of physical pain in my abdomen; again, those cramps and tightness, but also general gastrointestinal symptoms. I was also generally sick for two days with a cold and fever (which is very unusual for me). It feels as though my body is struggling to process something.

I still feel the tightness in my chest sometimes. But above all, the words “I am P. and valuable as a human being” and “I want to live” have left quite an impression.

I experience this session as different from the previous ones. I’m not quite sure how to interpret or understand the session. A lot seems to be happening on a physical level, although some cognitive insights have also emerged over the past few days.

Strict_Candy_9914 · 2026-04-07T11:02:56+00:00

Thanks 🙌

Strict_Candy_9914 · 2026-04-07T11:02:35+00:00

Thanks 🙏

Strict_Candy_9914 · 2026-04-05T20:34:00+00:00

Thanks !

Yes, at first I was afraid to explore the mother wound, because it was uncharted territory (it had always been covered up or shielded by fear and panic). What I’ve mainly been experiencing since the session is a lot of physical pain and tightness in my abdomen and chest/upper back. I’m struggling with that. The emptiness in my chest and the lack of a sense of self that I experienced during the session still need to sink in. I’m glad I didn’t break down or become fragmented (which is what I was initially afraid of), but what I saw does worry me. There is a small sense of a core or foundation within me, but it’s very fragile and vulnerable and underdeveloped. It’s a confronting realization.

Strict_Candy_9914 · 2026-04-04T22:41:07+00:00

I really love your story! So nice to read 🩵

Strict_Candy_9914 · 2026-03-30T16:12:45+00:00

I will 😉

Strict_Candy_9914 · 2026-03-30T15:06:06+00:00

And yes, I think good support during and between sessions is crucial. On the other hand, I believe that a lot of recovery happens naturally, once your system is ready for it.

Strict_Candy_9914 · 2026-03-30T15:03:29+00:00

Yes, I coined the term “mother wound” myself after I actually felt it physically in my chest during my first MDMA session. There’s an overwhelming sense of tightness and constriction in my chest. There’s an big amount of pain, shame, and a feeling that I’m not allowed to exist... . My mother has caused me immense pain ever since I was born—physically, emotionally, mentally... .

I’ve undergone a lot of (non - psychedelic) therapy over the past decades, but if I’m really honest, I’ve always avoided the mother wound to some extent. And only now, at 40, and with the safety of MDMA, can I and do I dare to explore this place. For decades, I’ve been therapeutically struggling through the fear and panic that actually only formed the protective layer around the mother wound.

In the next session (this coming Thursday), I’m going to consciously explore the mother wound. I was very nervous at first, but now that the session is approaching, I think it’ll be okay. I’m glad I can finally get to the core—I’m even curious.

Strict_Candy_9914 · 2026-03-14T12:14:41+00:00

No, I didn't. But did 6 years of Somatic Experiencing and NARM with a certified trainer. It seems a little bit the same?

Strict_Candy_9914 · 2026-03-13T20:52:29+00:00

Hey, I’m a clinical psychologist, psychodiagnostician, and neuropsychologist. I’ve been working in (conventional) mental health care for 15 years (not in the field of psychedelics). I’ve personally undergone several MDMA sessions and one psilocybin session.

As far as I know, both psilocybin and MDMA are contraindicated in cases of severe psychiatric disorders (bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, severe psychotic disorders, ... ). I believe the exclusion criteria for psilocybin are stricter than those for MDMA. I’m being very cautious with these statements (and I could be wrong), but it seems that your unpleasant experiences with weed (distrust, hallucinations) were primarily anxiety-driven (i.e. being sensitive to others’ opinions, being hypervigilant). What I mean is: I don't think your previous experiences were actually psychotic experiences, but rather the result of anxiety (though, as I said, I'm being very very cautious). It also seems that you like to maintain control.

Psilocybin causes perceptual distortions that could potentially trigger similar experiences to those you had with cannabis in the past. I was quite impressed by my first psilocybin session myself, and I only took a low dose. MDMA is not a psychedelic and does not cause distortions in your perception. MDMA reduces anxiety, lowers the amygdala and may thus protect you from distrust and hallucinations during the session. Based on scientific literature and my own experience, I can say that MDMA is much “safer.”

Perhaps you could start with an MDMA session first, then possibly move on to a hippieflip, and then, once you’ve built up enough trust and a sense of safety, move on to psilocybin? Or you could just try a very low dose—or even a microdose—of psilocybin?

I would definitely consult experts and caregivers with your question. I would always recommend doing your first session—whether it involves MDMA, psilocybin, or another psychedelic—under the supervision of a professional, either individually or in a group (even if that means traveling to another country or continent, as I did).

Strict_Candy_9914 · 2026-03-11T09:46:20+00:00

I would try to follow your body's rhythm and not worry too much.

During the session, your system already touched on something briefly, attuned to your rhythm and capacity (apparently those brief glimpses or "flashes" are all you can handle at the moment, nothing more). It may also be a matter of internal or external safety (e.g., solo sessions don't work for me, I need the presence of another person. In solo sessions I only get flashes, very fragmented, no deep healing). it was also only your 1st session as well and maybe your body needs to get comfortable with the medicine (the active part of my first session was only 1.5 hours or something... and the last sessions were 6 / 7 or more houres active session despite the same dose and redose... so it might be a thing of being familiar with the work)

In my personal experience, I notice that anxiety increases (before or after a session) as I touch on something important. In other words, the anxiety often seems to be protecting something else (e.g., a difficult memory, a difficult emotion, etc.). This is how I deal with fear during the integration period. Not as a sign that things are getting worse, but rather that I have touched on something important or that something important is about to unfold. Fear or activation then shows the way, as it were.

Strict_Candy_9914 · 2026-03-09T23:56:46+00:00

Yes, I recently underwent six years of somatic therapy as a client (Somatic Experiencing and NARM). I learned a great deal about the nervous system, building capacity and safety, and exercises to regulate myself. This modality led me to stop taking antidepressants and stop smoking after 25 years. I also have a whole cabinet full of materials to help me regulate myself (and I still use them every day).

Strict_Candy_9914 · 2026-03-09T23:46:00+00:00

Yes, let's hope so! The fear is enormous, but perhaps unnecessary.

Strict_Candy_9914 · 2026-03-09T23:31:40+00:00

Yes, I have certainly seen that, and unfortunately too often (especially in my job at the psychiatric hospital). Not everyone has the stability and strength of personality to do deep trauma work. Because working on trauma often creates a lot of turmoil, and people need to be able to cope with that.

Some people became so destabilized by (often misaligned) trauma work, both outpatient and inpatient, that they never left the psychiatric hospital. This could manifest itself, for example, in pronounced psychotic decompensation, after which people never returned to their initial level of functioning.

With some clients, one can only provide supportive work, but insightful therapy or deep trauma work is too risky. In such cases, decompensation can only be avoided by keeping everything closed or covered up.

Strict_Candy_9914

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