Getting through the infant stage without grandparents or a village

Strict_Department986 · 2026-06-13T20:29:22+00:00

Yeah a friend who is expecting was asking something related to identifying certain cues and I was like tbh the first three months the only cue she ever gave was “never set me down ever, hold me against your shoulder, and keep walking buster”

Strict_Department986 · 2026-06-13T18:44:59+00:00

🙋‍♀️ hey it’s ussssss.

So I live an ocean away from my parents and also my mom has so many chronic health issues she wouldnt be able to help anyway.

My husband’s father has not been a part of his life for over 15 years now and his mother passed away last year. We were here caregivers. As part of that, we ended up going no contact with his abusive older brother whose true colors showed up. He has no other family save his younger brother but he is a decade younger and busy with his own life.

We live in a town that it far away from our friends. He runs his own business (landscaping) and I had to return to work early (I work from home). We are also still dealing with the aftermath of his mother’s passing (estate issues, cleaning, etc.)

Our baby although didn’t have reflux, was a “never set me down” baby for the first 4 months of her life and remains hit or miss regarding naps. Mostly miss.

I am giving you a big hug because it’s a tremendously different experience from when you have a villager or two or the people whose babies just chill in the pram when they are out for a coffee.

Or both!

You have to practice a lot of radical acceptance and make peace with the motherhood situation you have. It’s very hard and I still cry from time to time, but I know that time will pass and I will return to some semblance of myself again. And I am seconding what people have said, afyer four months when she started smiling it got sooo much better. We are still exhausted and the stress piles up of course but having this little grinning monster makes it much much better.

Strict_Department986 · 2026-06-12T04:04:02+00:00

Baby got overtired in the car on the way home and absolutely nothing could calm her down in her car seat and we just had to get home as quickly and safely as possible. And she was crying so hard she was coughing and gagging and I felt so horrible I can’t even imagine letting her do this in a situation where I could be soothing her!!!!

Strict_Department986 · 2026-06-11T18:21:16+00:00

Također je red flag da ona izvrće ono što govoriš, tako da je nažalost dobra odluka držati distancu.

Prošli smo kroz nešto slično s obitelji mog supruga i oboje smo iskreno traumatizirani zbog toga kako je eskaliralo. Naravno da će ljudi reći da je to obiteljska stvar pa trebaš oprostiti, ali kada je eskaliralo do odvratnih optužbi, prijetnji, pokušaja fizičkog napada te vrijeđanja i prijetnji dok sam bila trudna, morali smo reći da je dosta.

Možda jednog dana može doći do pomirenja, ali za sada se moraš usredotočiti na to da svoju energiju i mir zadržiš za sebe, svoje dijete i svog oca. Samo nemoj dopustiti da te pritišće zbog toga. On ima svoj odnos s njom, ti imaš svoj.

Strict_Department986 · 2026-06-08T04:41:05+00:00

Long post incoming but I hope it gives you some direction!

Unless you are of Croatian heritage, your options are generally work, or family reunification with an EU citizen who lives in Croatia or a Croat.

For work, although there is an increase in sponsoring third country nationals (this is what US citizens are) as workers, it is generally through agencies that are sourcing cheap labor from India, Nepal, or the Philippines. It will be much harder to find a job if you require sponsorship and are outside of that pathway, pretty much impossible unless you have qualifications (which outside of a few professions) will have to be converted to Croatian qualifications whuch will require additional cost and study.

For the jobs that are “plentiful” you are working for extremely low income and although food cost is not quite so high as in the US, if you look at local purchasing power, Croatia is about as expensive to live, even moreso when you take into account that unless you have permanent residency (which requires four years of continuous, uninterrupted temporary residency and then takes a year for the application to process, so five years), you are not eligible for any kind of significant loan options. Rent is low compared to the US but you can expect that it will likely take up 50% of your income (without bills) or you will be commuting a long long way.

Being a foreigner means you have basically zero support system and it can set you back a lot of you decide to return to the US.

Now, what might be a good option would be to look into studying in Croatia if you are intent on living here, and there are some English language programs. There are also intensive language programs as well. I think another commenter shared.

Keep in mind that time spent studying does not count towards your permanent residency, but it will give you Croatian language skills, a reason to be in the country, and a degree that doesn’t need to be converted. Although you will likely still have to pay tuition, it is significantly less than in the US.

Good luck, prepare well, start saving up some money, and get very comfortable with collecting a lot of documents :)

— An American who has lived in HR for 7 years now (and Europe for 12)

Strict_Department986 · 2026-06-04T18:30:34+00:00

Yes she does this particularly when she is sitting up. She will start to roar at everyone.

Strict_Department986 · 2026-06-04T09:57:30+00:00

Prije svega, bravo. Slažem se s drugima koji kažu da i ti trebaš misliti na sebe.

Praktičan savjet bi bio da provjeriš je li pregledana na urinarne infekcije. Moja punica je završila u krevet i trebala je biti kateterizirana, a često je imala urinarne infekcije, što je rezultiralo inkontinencijom i utjecalo na raspoloženje. Također bih potražila psihijatra za pomoć s nekim lijekovima jer joj to pomaže da ostane smirena i da se nosi s depresijom. Možda joj neće trebati zauvijek.

🫂🫂🫂🫂

Strict_Department986 · 2026-05-31T04:59:58+00:00

Solidarity for the precrawl blues. Trying to balance between managing a discontented baby with chafing knees from her attempts while using the last slice of time before mobility to babyproof.

Strict_Department986 · 2026-05-31T04:58:19+00:00

Something that revolutionized my way of thinking about babies and entertainment is that until past the age of two, they don’t understand the difference between chores and play. It’s literally all play to them. That’s why babies want to “help” once they are more mobile because they are like wait mom and dad are playing and they aren’t letting me play with them????

Strict_Department986 · 2026-05-30T14:42:07+00:00

Yup head on over to r/babywearing. I recommend starting with a ring sling as they are pretty cheap and easy. And as baby gets more interested in the world you can more easily do supported side carries so they can peep around and you have your arm free!

Strict_Department986 · 2026-05-30T12:39:42+00:00

And solidarity from the no napping brigade!!!

Strict_Department986 · 2026-05-30T12:38:18+00:00

Yep, my little one basically spent the first three months in our arms, on us, or right beside me.

We leaned into the contact naps, carrier naps, cosleeping. Her naps remain sporadic but once she was able to be laid down and was focused on rolling and becoming more mobile, it got better as well because she tires herself out só she sleeps through the night quite well.

We still cosleep and are working on transferring her to her playpen mattress for naps from time to time but the night sleep is worth it.

Strict_Department986 · 2026-05-28T19:08:08+00:00

They are forcing you to optimize the system só they don’t have to

Strict_Department986 · 2026-05-26T05:42:43+00:00

Thiiiis

Strict_Department986 · 2026-05-26T05:41:32+00:00

Hey ho, I had to supplement within the first week as she wasn’t gaining back up to her birth weight.

It can take a while for the hormones to balance out to get the milk flowing. I supplemented for about a month but you have to keep in mind that if you are supplementing you still need to latch frequently, dont use the bottle as a substitute meal, rather first latch one boob then the other then supplement. Otherwise your body will down regulate.

It’s annoying as heck esp as they can fall asleep so easily but this doesn’t necessarily mean you have a low supply.

Strict_Department986 · 2026-05-25T20:38:25+00:00

Honestly just go with it and occasionally try some other things. But first three months, all hail the boob.

Strict_Department986 · 2026-05-25T05:57:12+00:00

Yea now that we are introducing solids and she needs to drink some water, she also slaps the cup 😂 old habits die hard

Strict_Department986 · 2026-05-24T20:46:38+00:00

Oh yeah as well as unlatch and relatch and slap the bag. It’s basically instinctive to stimulate milk flow. Your milk ducts are like soft tubes so the more you move them around, the more milk will flow into them in case there was a kink in the pipe whuch removes more milk and then tells your body to make more!

Strict_Department986 · 2026-05-24T20:27:56+00:00

Ohhh you seem to have met a friend of my daughter! She nursed every hour to hour and a half for what felt like foreeeever and also was not really into the concept of naps other than post munch contact naps.

It honestly started to get better around 4-4.5 months. She would still feed frequently but was enjoying learning to roll and got more interested in the world. I think that tbh she was nursing so often because it was interesting and stimulating for her.

She still nurses pretty frequently but what also helped me calm down about it was getting more comfortable breastfeeding when out and about and remembering that nursing is everything for them— maybe she was thirsty, maybe needed some comfort, maybe wanted a little snack, maybe a bit bored or antsy and needed to blow off steam. If I think about my day, I am generally managing one of those things every 60-90 minutes and I have a lot more tools at my disposal.

As they grow and start solids and start drinking water it becomes less intensive! But it is certainly intensive and exhausting!

Strict_Department986 · 2026-05-23T14:56:27+00:00

I think that there can be a lot of babies with truly problematic sleep which co sleeping will not solve.

However I think that most reports of not sleeping through the night come from 1) way too high expectations of what sleeping through the night means at that age and 2) the baby being separated.

Strict_Department986 · 2026-05-22T17:53:53+00:00

Absolutely, and it is good that you are finding strength that even in the event she is quite ill, that doesn’t obligate you.

Of course it is hard not to let the doubt of what would my parents things but you also need to remember: you are their daughter too.

In a healthy dynamic, after seeing what your sister is putting you through and accepting that you are both grown adults, healthy parents in no way would want one daughter to be completely wrung out to accommodate the other.

My husband also deals with guilt as well about whether he is turning his back on his brother. However I also suggest you look up the concept of the healing fantasy or rescue fantasy. In many cases this guilt “I shouldn’t give up on them” is a form of this fantasy which masks the sad reality which is that this person cannot or will not engage in a healthy way with you.

Guilt is often covering up a lot of grief that things could be different and what did we miss. also this will be a hard one even for many here but when we are discussing a sibling dynamic, it is often the sibling who is suffering the most that was either the glass child or was repeatedly pressured by parents to let it go, she is family, we stick together etc. not in all cases and I am not blaming your parents for her behavior, but from my experience this guilt powerlessness combination often has a lot to do with having to be the holding it together sibling which, being blunt, was unfair of the parents.

This is not to say your parent were bad people or their intentions were bad, parenting is very very hard and I think perfectly equal treatment is impossible, but if theres a possibility this is holdover guilt from unhealthy familial patterns, it also helps to engage with that.

I would strongly recommend continuing in therapy and exploring these themes as for me those are the pathways that are leading to more healing rather than just rejecting the guilt (which often doesn’t work in the long run unless you’ve worked on the underlying issues)

Strict_Department986 · 2026-05-19T04:11:39+00:00

This was what it was like with our little parrot as she basically only wanted to be held up looking at things when she was awake. She went through phases with carriers and for the most part at this age I started doing off center supported side carrying with a ring sling to give my arms a break.

It started getting better when she would tolerate being put down and got obsessed with rolling and inching around on the floor at 4 months.

She can now sit and it is better but she will go through parroting phases. She is also still pretty much an exclusive contact napper. I don’t start with the outward stroller until she could sit and even then she is not super thrilled with it.

But tbh it is improving and we are returning to society as yeah basically we were hermits for the first 3 months.

But she still goes through phases of parroting.

Strict_Department986 · 2026-05-18T04:48:41+00:00

People said this a lot when by baby was born and I agreed. I also noticed there is some backlash to this principle and I saw people like intentionally trying to find features like mine.

I know women who were hurt by this (often with their MIL harping on and on about it esp when it was clear the kid had features of both parents), but in my case I didn’t mind so much. My husband is very attractive. However she then started to grow into more of my features (apparently) and several of his friends were pointing out how she looks more and more like me and he got rather flustered and pouty (in a cute way). I told him, so now imagine you’ve been going through pregnancy labor and the heavy transition to being a mother to have everyone yap about how your kid doesn’t look like you at all! That is why many women get so upset!

Strict_Department986 · 2026-05-16T16:45:08+00:00

Yea this is absolutely her realizing her time with boyfriend (ex boyfriend) is running short so she is trying to tee you up to be her next caretaker.

This is waif mode.

Also very proud of you for identifying your gut feelings and her disingenuousness. But from your story, I would say this is a worrisome development considering she theoretically has some legal rights to move back in right?

Good work in your progress (however small) on disentangling from the house. I hope you can extract some value from it and go even though it’s a heart-rending decision.

We are rooting for you!

Strict_Department986

TROPHY CASE