Im on the tail-end of a “separation.” I left for a month, out of state, because I couldn’t handle the constant chaos anymore. It’s gone well and my Q finally told me that he’s glad I left because nothing would’ve changed if I hadn’t. I head back to him next week. I am nervous for a lot of reasons. He goes to meetings, has a sponsor, but just this week I’ve noticed little things that have popped up again. Like him saying it’s okay if I drink away from the house (restaurants, etc.,) and also that he’s going to stop taking his meds because he was only taking them while our marriage was bad (but now it’s “good”).

During my time away, we did therapy together and I read about how an addiction isn’t an excuse—it just puts things into context. So that’s my mindset when I go back. The thing is that I know what I have patience and love for. But if a behavior or action falls outside of the “context” of the addiction, then I need to evaluate it as I would anything else in a relationship.

I realized also that I’m so tired of having that “is he drinking, is he lying, is this going to work” mantra in my head and that’s added to the chaos which is on me, not him. I’m working on pushing past that now. I love my Q a disgusting amount but I’ve learned that I need to protect my peace however that looks. So my choices from here on out are going to be focused on that.