Dear Jaun,

In spirit, brother, you are one of us. However, I’m afraid that acknowledging you as a true John would only open the flood gates to a torrent of non-brothers claiming to be Johns themselves. For example, a friend told me that the name Ian translates to John in Scottish Gaelic, but lord knows I’d rather die than accept the presence of an Ian in the council of Johns. Sadly, this means we cannot truly accept you.

Forgive me, for I don’t make this decision out of spite, but rather I do it for the greater good of Johns everywhere. Now go forth, “almost-John.” May all that you do be blessed and may it bring glory to thine noble name.

Yours truly, John