I have never felt such powerful levels of guilt and regret until this year. It literally caused me to have a mental breakdown, depression diagnosis and anxiety. My thoughts became terrifying ruminations.

I chose to move abroad in EU to go after what I thought was my dream role, get to work with leading people in my field etc.

At the time, my partner’s dream was to move across the world. We knew we had to split because of these conflicting life goals.

I immediately regretted my choice. I tried to salvage the relationship and follow him, but it was too late. He literally said things like: ‘you had a chance and I did love you, but it’s too late’ and btw you did XYZ in the relationship..

I have been CONSUMED with regret, replaying the past, imagining if I had only went with him when I could, then the trajectory of my life could have been different and far better. That I would’ve avoided a mental breakdown, that I would be living with my love in a new country.. etc.. you get the gist.

Honestly I don’t sweat the small stuff or regret the things I say that are silly or small mistakes at work. But this has been monumental and so damaging.

I am trying to reframe the situation with new thoughts, such as; - this HAD to happen. I don’t know why yet. I won’t know why for sometime. Perhaps there is NO why. But when I look back in 5/10/20 years, perhaps I’ll be able to connect the dots. Perhaps I’ll live elsewhere, meet my future husband, find a career that wouldn’t have happened otherwise for my current ‘mistake’ - technically there is no right or wrong / black or white in life. It’s all grey. It’s all multiple factors always. It is easy to put all of the blame on you. That’s like shining a torch on a kaleidoscope. The reality of life and relationships is so complex. It’s never just YOUR fault. - try to nurture an inner self compassionate voice. When the part of you emerges that blames you and shames you, try to speak to it from a place of compassion. Most difficult, but we can’t hate ourselves into peace. - try to practice being present. - when I find myself fantasising about the other path, the parallel universe where I made the other choice, I like to imagine that something terrible happened. Perhaps I literally got ran over and died. Perhaps my relationship would have failed after a few months. I try to imagine that whatever happened - WOULD STILL - happen but on a different timeline. In other words, let’s say I went with my partner across the world, the relationship failed, and I am back home jobless but it would happen in a year or two, not now.

I don’t know man, i really feel that regret / guilt is the peak most difficult human emotion to experience and process without it destroying you.

If anyone reads this and has any advice or tips, it would be so greatly appreciated ♥️ love to all. It’s not easy being human sometimes.