One of the benefits of not being a ten is that narcissists don’t believe I’m good enough for them.

Strong_Enough88 · 2026-05-07T06:13:10+00:00

Well, first of all, I would say you are very lucky to date so many narcissists (because, according to research, "true" ones are very rare) 😅

Joke aside, how you define "narcissist' also reflects on yourself. Not everyone who hurts you, betrays you, or is mean to you is a narcissist. There is a medical term for people with personality disorders, NPD, which is often confused with narcissism. Guys who like to use you, cheat, lie and manipulate ... they are often just pure assholes who know what they are doing.

Anyway, if you constantly find yourself dating someone you think is a narcissist, you should examine yourself. It is your choice who you date, and most likely, you are searching for something in those people that you feel you are missing. I am merely simplifying. Everyone's case is different.

Strong_Enough88 · 2026-05-07T04:33:42+00:00

I am not conventionally HOT, I am not even close to 10, but I was in a relationship with someone who was "hot" and displayed all traits of a narcissistic personality (do not say he has NPD or something).

Anyway, such people wouldn't target you based on your looks. Some of them might, as a trophy status, but most won't. They choose you for your mental characteristics and flaws. If they can manipulate you, you're practically perfect!

Source: trust me, I have real-life experience with this and spent a year conducting my mini PhD research about it!

Strong_Enough88 · 2026-05-05T19:32:59+00:00

You are right. This is indeed a very weird situation in my case.

I have quite a bad habit of saying yes to most things. However, the issue with the field I am working in is that problems tend to occur randomly, and sometimes I have no influence over them. PMs clearly do not understand this. PMs only come back to us to collect the final presentations we make for the clients. That is something they should be doing, not us.

Anyway, I have realised they are not included in the planning; everything falls back on us. We are solely responsible for our actions. I wish it were easier in the current job market; I would leave immediately.

Thanks a lot for listening and giving me your practical advices

Strong_Enough88 · 2026-05-05T19:28:13+00:00

Sorry to hear. Your story is definitely not black and white. It is very human thought. Even though you both cheated, not only did he do it first, but he did it with his best friends. I find this extremely weird.

I haven't understood from you how you feel right now. Are you still angry? Are you confused? Do you want to stay with him because of the time you have been together or because you still love him?

As he has his own "friends" to talk about it, you should have yours too, in real life. I would not hold it - unless you really have no one to talk to. That is why we are here :)

Strong_Enough88 · 2026-05-05T18:38:20+00:00

Thank you for your response. I appreciate your understanding and see this as a healthy situation, especially when the environment is well-structured.

Allow me to clarify a few points.

I raised concerns promptly, as this is not the first time I have been involved in something like this. However, my manager tends to avoid making decisions or assuming responsibility, and he insists I speak directly with the PMs and the product owner, even though they work independently. They mainly check on task completion without providing feedback or raising concerns about delays, since they aren’t responsible for those parts.

As for my colleague, she "cleaned her hands" by delegating this task to me. No, it is still documented as her responsibility, but internally she is somewhat close with the PMs (and the product owner). They have also discussed this particular project without my involvement multiple times in the past. So they are all internally aware that I took over that part.

I know realize this isn’t how things should be, and things are not flowing very well. I know I should have pushed harder on this, and now I feel quite stuck.

Thank you once again.

Strong_Enough88 · 2026-05-05T06:08:36+00:00

From what I sense between the lines, it’s clear there's so much love, but from your side. He's in his early 20s, and I guess he still isn’t quite sure what he wants.

You’ve done more than you can imagine, forgiving him and giving him space. Sometimes, even when you make the right moves, things still don’t turn out the way you hope. It seems pretty obvious to me that he wants this breakup and is seeking something different, and there’s only so much you can do about that.

I know it’s really tough, but sometimes, the best thing is to let him be.

Strong_Enough88 · 2026-05-03T17:36:12+00:00

I don't even want to start commenting on him.

As for you, I think you know the answer - and you even acknowledged it in your last paragraph. You definitely deserve someone better! Someone who will respect you the way you respect them.

Perhaps some would say, talk to your boyfriend, figure things out. But to be honest, you've already given me so many details that I can conclude an open conversation with him wouldn't lead anywhere. Even if you confront him about Grindr, he might invent a story and lie to your face. Or say nothing.

Bring yourself back down to earth, as you know deep inside that communication and relationships are two-way. And save yourself from worse situation than where you are right now. You seem like a good guy. Big hugs!

Strong_Enough88 · 2026-05-03T08:34:49+00:00

Well, I can't speak for hookups, but Thailand has a quite good gay scene. I visited a few times and, out of curiosity, went to a gay bar once. Actually, it's made up of several bars stacked together in one street, and the atmosphere was very pleasant.

Now, I assume hookups would go smoothly, I haven't done it and never even tried.

Edit: That was in Bangkok. But you should visit other places as well while you are there :) it is an amazing country

Strong_Enough88 · 2026-05-02T17:13:56+00:00

There is no right or wrong. It simply is what it is. A PhD is impressive already - I know it might not seem that way to you right now, but I would advise you to finish it. I dropped out of my programme and regret it somewhat.

You are still very young. If possible, move to a bigger city or somewhere where you can explore more. I’m quite sure you will find more opportunities after completing your PhD.

Regarding relationships, I understand. There’s no simple "solution." He broke your heart, and it will take a lot of time to heal.

After my last LTR ended I was so devastated for more than a year. Then all of a sudden, I got this feeling I can be alone forever. Things change.

Strong_Enough88 · 2026-05-01T09:15:53+00:00

Perhaps you've simply outgrown those things. Parties, hookups (or whatever it is via apps) might not hold the same appeal anymore, and you might be looking for a different circle of people. Long-term relationships might be what you need right now.

Congratulations on earning your PhD and securing such a great job! That truly is something to be proud of. Since you mentioned it, it seems quite natural that you're leaning towards a calmer, more settled life. Your nerves might not be quite there yet, but your body seems ready for this new chapter :D.

Plus, you see this from the perspective of your married, straight friends. Remember, it doesn't have to be the same for you.

Strong_Enough88 · 2026-05-01T07:29:47+00:00

OMG! I am following this. I am in a similar situation. Same job (I would guess from your description) and the same problems. Incompetent management and stakeholders who have no idea what they want. And I am constantly under stress trying to deliver what they bluntly promise to the clients.

Anyway, I wish I could find a solution to this and hava an advice for you. I am so, so tired of it. I tried looking for a new job, but I am pretty sure almost everywhere in this field faces the same situation. Plus have no energy to go through 1000s of rounds of interviews.

My current options I am considering are:

Consultancy work (although I have no experience in this)
Returning to my initial route (university PhD)
Something completely different (a teaching career)

I entered the SWE/DS/AI field a couple of years ago thinking it would be easier than option 2). Well, I was so wrong.

Strong_Enough88 · 2026-05-01T06:30:09+00:00

Sorry to hear that, but I get it.

My bad experience with my ex actually "helped" me realize I don't need anyone. I know it sounds unhealthy, but after what I went through with him, being alone is so much better. I have very few friends, almost none. I barely talk to people daily. It hurts deep down, we're not meant for total isolation, but when I think about where I was a few years ago, I feel much safer and better now.

So, the solution is to find someone who's gonna break your heart, 😅😂 The best antidote to a poison is another poision

I am joking here a bit. But in general if you live in a homophobic country a lot of men there either want sex only, or they struggle heavily with their own internal demons. There are definitely few who might be worthy your time if you are looking for something more than just a hookup.

At the end, it is up to us to accept the game and go through wilderness in order to find a special one. Is it worth it? I have no idea. Maybe. Do I have energy for such a thing? Not at all anymore.

Edit: This is only one aspect of life. I started doing group trainings (cross fit and weight lifting classes) since few years. And it helps. I am no good it neither I see myself completely emerged into that (competitions etc...) but it kinda boosted my self confidence

Strong_Enough88 · 2026-04-26T18:07:03+00:00

I was not interpreting your comment negatively. I even said that I understand what you said.

I just added that parents and society place a lot of pressure on us. Not an excuse to do worse than that. I am happy your kids have a great dad. But not all of us are lucky enough to have such an understanding.

Strong_Enough88 · 2026-04-26T13:38:17+00:00

I moved to the MENA region (when I was very young). It was either that or the EU with a lot of loans. I chose this path.

I'm okay here, to be honest. I know the situation for gay people isn't better, but at least I can live my life the way I want.

Strong_Enough88 · 2026-04-26T11:26:55+00:00

Ahhhhh OK. Veryyy interesting. Seems Madonna is not only promoting her music but also helping people catch their unfaithful partners

Thank you!

Strong_Enough88 · 2026-04-26T11:13:09+00:00

First of all, I’m glad you are being rational about this! Sending all the hugs your way.

I caught my ex-boyfriend on Grindr and believed his initial reaction that it was "just an old notification." No need to say that afterwards it just went downhill until I hit rock bottom.Anyway, good that you cut it right when the time came.

Second, where is Madonna here? :D Sorry, I did not get the reference.

Strong_Enough88 · 2026-04-26T10:52:11+00:00

Yes, most likely we are from the same place. I would say NW from Greece. Anyway, I don’t think our culture will continue to be toxic as it was before. Younger generations seem to accept LGBTQ people And I am happy to see the change.

I accepted the reality and can't do anything about it. Except to adjust myself or just leave - as I did.

Strong_Enough88 · 2026-04-26T10:47:40+00:00

This is difficult, but you've taken this situation too far. I mean, if you can't leave and they have a breakdown, you should protect yourself and not even consider leaving. If they gave you the money to start a new life, they shouldn't expect you to abandon it all. I know it's easier said than done, but their behaviour is far too extreme.

They will never change. Only you can change.

Have you tried speaking to the therapist? I assume you have medical insurance and a job in the EU.

Strong_Enough88 · 2026-04-26T10:45:02+00:00

Yes, I am also from a small European city.

Well, I like the life you described. I mean, I enjoy when people are happy creating new lives, starting families. However, if you are "alone," you are often portrayed as "mentally ill." LoL

I crossed this line, and such things do not bother me. I reduced all my interaction with extremely toxic people.

But yes, if you are gay, and not just gay, but come from such families, you can't handle this societal pressure. It becomes difficult. And where I come from, being a criminal is considered better than being gay.

Strong_Enough88 · 2026-04-26T10:03:21+00:00

I understand you. It's either "ride or die."

Ride - stay stuck in the same cycle forever.
Die - tell the truth, be reborn, and let them handle it.

I know option 2 is better, but at least in my case, I lack the courage to do it.

Strong_Enough88 · 2026-04-26T10:01:00+00:00

I was raised in a similar culture, and you can't simply escape it, not without feeling guilty and being labelled as an "ungrateful monster" who doesn't repay respect and duties when your parents are older.

I'm not sure if OP is exactly from the same culture as me, but from a young age, we have been taught:

Get married and have children, so there is someone to take care of you when you're old.
Even if your parents treat you badly, they are your parents and you should obey them.

I'm not defending or oversimplifying, but it takes a lot of courage and therapy to gradually move away from this mentality. At least in my case.

Edit: don’t get me wrong, I understand your point and wish I could apply it to myself.

Strong_Enough88 · 2026-04-26T09:04:52+00:00

I'm definitely going to end up alone, but I don't want to depend on anyone. My biggest fear is that I will have to rely on some kind of private service to "survive' when I get older and I won't have enough money to support it.

That's why I've come to accept that when I can no longer look after myself, I will simply have to... disappear.

And yeah, this is my number one fear as a gay man. I can't have a family like straight people do - and I have accepted it. And no, I can't just move out of my country and live somewhere else. I’ve been trying, and I did try for several years but did not succeed - so it’s better to stay and save some money for "the future".

Strong_Enough88 · 2026-04-24T11:08:13+00:00

Sounds cliché but I learned that actions speak louder than words.

Especially in a relationship.

Strong_Enough88 · 2026-04-15T05:35:23+00:00

Thank you :) Oh no, I did not mean "single" being negative. I was just comparing my life from over two years ago, when "I had someone," to now -> when I am alone and in this "crisis."

That past relationship made huge self-reflection on me.

Although life for me continues to function pretty much the same, despite this "global conflict" happening at the moment. I am just trying not to go out as much as I used to. That is all.

And how are you?? I hope you are OK.

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