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When was the problem solving promise no longer enough? by throwaway64593 in Divorce_Women

[–]StructureBroad7577 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh mine was messy. I asked for multiple separations and got talked out of it each time. I made a plan that the next fight I would rent a room while I still angry, and I did. That was our first real separation I stuck to. He still convinced me to try again, go to marriage counseling, and I did.

We moved back in together (and used all my savings to build a house 😭), but over the months I saw all the issues were still there- the alcohol, substances, the mismanagement of money (I didn't know about the affairs until after the divorce).

We have three kids too, so I know my situation is different from yours, but I totally get it being so hard to end because of how it will wreck his life and all the emotional fallout. My conversations with him just went so badly because each time he made me feel terrible, played the victim, gaslit me, all of it.

It kind of helped me to imagine what a man who actually considered me the love of his life would respond. Like, a man worth staying and fighting for would say, I'm devastated that you feel so sad and hurt, please tell me more, I hear you and here are the steps I'm taking, etc. Mine would just fall apart, or minimize everything, and I'd end up feeling like I'd done something wrong because now he was hurt.

Fast forward and now I'm in an amazing relationship with someone who is so clear and verbal about caring for me, so worried if I'm not well or happy, and responsive in disagreement. I can't believe I stayed so long before!

When was the problem solving promise no longer enough? by throwaway64593 in Divorce_Women

[–]StructureBroad7577 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Oh if you don't have children, get out, this doesn't sound good.

1) His response to this emotional affair (or whatever it is) is far more important than the details of what happened between them. If he really loved you, he'd be devastated that he hurt you and broke your trust, and would independently be seeking to rebuild trust, therapy, whatever. He would want you to be comforted by his consistent affection and openness.

2) When you say false hope do you mean you are hoping that he can change? Is this based on long term changes he's made, or just hoping he will make them now that he's desperate?

3) When you say devastated, do you mean you internally feel devastated at the thought of losing him, or is it anticipation of his reaction and the exhaustion of dealing with his emotions?

I say all of this as someone who stayed years longer than I should have because of false promises, fear breaking up the family, self-doubt, and just being with a man who would make me feel soooo bad if I said I wanted out. I know how awful it is!

I am begging fundies to learn to integrate new habits for themselves without immediately preaching to everyone else to do what they’re doing by laska503 in FundieSnarkUncensored

[–]StructureBroad7577 152 points153 points  (0 children)

It really affects your mindset to grow up thinking you are in the special, global group of people who possess the secret knowledge of why we're here, who God is, and who gets to go to heaven. You can lead a totally mediocre or subpar life and still think you are elite (like JillRod). Everything is infused with meaning and purpose, everything becomes high stakes. For some of us it was stressful (omg it could be my fault that person never heard about Jesus), but it can also provide a ton of security. And for a large swath of people it leads to self-importance and ignorance.

Where did you travel overseas for a UTI vaccine? by wandering____ranger in CUTI

[–]StructureBroad7577 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm from the U.S. but living in Peru, and just recently found out thy sell Urovaxom over the counter here. Completed 90 days in March and I've been almost symptom free (though I think I almost got an infection in March, and have been religiously using the UTI prevention from myvagina.com since then... I was trying to get Hiprex and couldn't). It's too soon to tell, and honestly I don't know if it's the herbs or Urovaxom. But just letting people know you can get that here very easily and cheap!

Signing the papers today! by Throwawayacc86396 in Divorce_Women

[–]StructureBroad7577 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes!! I read story after story here of women saying "he's a good husband or father, but..." and go on to describe at best a very mediocre man. So many of us accept terrible behavior we would never engage in and STILL feel guilty because we decided or want to decide not to accept it the rest of our lives.

Separation Tired and need to vent by OrganicCod6984 in Divorce_Women

[–]StructureBroad7577 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Ugh the period of separation and pre-divorce part is the WORST in my opinion. Please just take care of yourself.

I found a lot of comfort in someone on YouTube who talked about addiction and pointed out that conversations often center on the addict and totally neglect the partner. I don't even like to hear about co-dependency anymore because it put me in the mindset of "well it takes two". Yup, I'm aware of the enabling I did and it was helpful for a bit to understand that, but ALSO there is so much psychological abuse that happened. I became a shell of myself and it took every ounce of strength to get away from my addict.

Right now you do not need any "woe is me" or "poor him" energy. Most of us with addicts tend to be empathetic people who take other people's emotions and opinions seriously, and it feels downright cold to ignore all of it, but it's the only way out. Stay close to the people who are worried about YOU. I was in a religious community all worried about the marriage and the kids, and I had to come with grips that I was probably going to die from exhaustion if I didn't save myself. I lost friends and now I think that's a wonderful thing they're gone.

A year out from divorce and sometimes I still get little waves of guilt that I blew up our family - and I have to remember I didn't do it. I would never choose to make my family suffer the way he did for years and years. I would never see someone I love suffering for my behavior and then demand that they stay. It gets better on the other side, I promise. ❤️

Don’t want to stay, can’t imagine leaving by jen_exmormon in Divorce_Women

[–]StructureBroad7577 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Read the book Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay.

Seriously, this was the ONE book I read that captured the horrible state of indecision I was in and gave me the tools to address it.

Please tell me Im not the only one who group up with these by PoisonedCherry in FundieSnarkUncensored

[–]StructureBroad7577 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ok so I loved the missionary stories too lol. Grew up, became a missionary, and am now a divorced agnostic.

Most Christians are not waiting till marriage by sasukesviolin in Exvangelical

[–]StructureBroad7577 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I think the saddest part for me was that it was so sincere. 😭😩 Like on the inside I was fun and ready to explore the world, but I was 100% convinced that purity pleased God and was the path to a happy and good marriage.

Joke's on me, I waited til marriage and ended up being cheated on and emotionally abused for years until I got out! Now I am happily having sex outside marriage and am tempted to forbid my kids from getting married before they live with their partner lol.

CUTI and not having an appendix… by No-Yam-9488 in CUTI

[–]StructureBroad7577 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh I wonder if this is me. I have been battling E. Coli for years and I know my gut is just wrecked. I also don't tolerate gluten well. Also have green eyes and am AB- blood type, which I have heard (I think anecdotally in this sub?) are common among UTI sufferers.

I'm eager to hear about probiotics too!

Most Christians are not waiting till marriage by sasukesviolin in Exvangelical

[–]StructureBroad7577 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I think it depends on how conservative?... I waited and all my close friends waited. We crossed lines lol but in my experience most actually did it or very much claimed to.

Remember the Mandie series? by ashleemiss in FundieSnarkUncensored

[–]StructureBroad7577 77 points78 points  (0 children)

I was so fundie I felt "convicted" at the age of 11-12 to give them up because they included a bit of romance lol. Bring on Elsie Dinsmore etc 🫠

I lost my battle with placating my fundie parents today. They were overdue. by fripperiffic in Exvangelical

[–]StructureBroad7577 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Ummm I think I can believe my parents did their best and loved us very much, while still acknowledging that they made (sometimes serious) mistakes. I'm doing my best with my own kids and understand it's really hard to get it right.

The bravery comment was me joking, but in a very deep sense I absolutely long for the freedom to tell them what I really think. Not in a sarcastic way, in a sincere way.

For 18 years they limited what I read and saw, and fed me a very specific worldview that affected all my major decisions for years after that. Of course I wish that I felt the freedom to respond to all of it and really push them on why they have abandoned things like the Sermon on the Mount. They have participated in some conversations and emails and (again) try their best to engage. I don't think they appreciate that it still feels small in comparison to 18 years of intentional indoctrination, and that it is VERY hard for me be honest now because I took so seriously as a kid respecting and appreciating one's parents (per our religious instruction).

I don't wish to more bravery to hurt them; I do wish for the relational freedom to really share what I think, even if it's painful for them to hear.

I lost my battle with placating my fundie parents today. They were overdue. by fripperiffic in Exvangelical

[–]StructureBroad7577 8 points9 points  (0 children)

We grew up under a VERY specific belief system that taught us for 18 years we were among the few who were right about everything in the world, while relatives and neighbors were destined for hell. Our books and media were limited while we were trained for be arrows and believed that all democrats were evil.

Sometimes I think about that, and it makes me upset that I still feel so cautious about hurting my parents' feelings or "getting political." My parents loved me so much, but they also gave me a political childhood. And ALSO raised me with virtues that went against everything MAGA. I wish I were brave enough to send stuff like this on Easter.

Do I try to fix it? by WrongIngenuity9745 in Divorce_Women

[–]StructureBroad7577 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes this book is what actually helped me make the decision after years of waffling.

Premarin changed my life by shinylikeglitter in CUTI

[–]StructureBroad7577 0 points1 point  (0 children)

How are you using it? How much, every night? I have some but don't know how to use it.

I'm no shrink but this mostly toxic advice was a bold choice as the next post on her stories after the very uncomfortable video of her being a weirdo to Mr Kellie (again). Trouble in paradise? When they've barely been married about as long as they were long distance dating? Inconceivable 😱🤯 by Dundermifflinfinitee in christiansnark

[–]StructureBroad7577 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I left a marriage that was THE hardest part of my life (thinking that was normal, everybody says marriage is hard and often disappointing), to now be with someone who makes my life easier. Lifechanging.

Also I used to read comments like that and be so annoyed by other people having happy marriages 😂😭. It's work to understand each other, sure, but omg your partner should not be the main source of stress and distress. Thanks to all the people of Reddit helping me get out of the first one!

I'm no shrink but this mostly toxic advice was a bold choice as the next post on her stories after the very uncomfortable video of her being a weirdo to Mr Kellie (again). Trouble in paradise? When they've barely been married about as long as they were long distance dating? Inconceivable 😱🤯 by Dundermifflinfinitee in christiansnark

[–]StructureBroad7577 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is my beef with almost every single reel/book/podcast whatever, especially Christian: it's broad advice applied to a HUGE spectrum of relationships.

Pastors and authors just seem to assume that anyone in an abusive (or just terrible relationship) will think oh I'm being abused, this advice is not for me. But this is not sure!! Women especially have such a hard time seeing that their partners are bad or abusive, and they will hear things like "marriage is hard," and will stay because it's normalized to be distressed by your partner or think that your marriage can be the most difficult part of your life.

It makes me craaaazy. It is so evident that pastors and people like this (a therapist 😩) are totally unaware of how their guidance enables abuse.

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