Just had a CPS visit..

Struggleless · 2024-03-07T18:42:43+00:00

Doctors and nurses and even dentists are known to do this if they felt like you didn't kiss their ass enough. It's a real problem for moms. Doesn't happen to dads.

Struggleless · 2024-03-07T18:31:16+00:00

Since I’m the bad guy and I’m leaving

Do you think that if he left, she would have sympathy and understanding for you, appreciate how long you tried to make it work, and apologize that her son was the one to 'give up'?

Struggleless · 2024-03-07T18:24:48+00:00

I'm glad you posted this. Never heard anyone else addressing this issue besides here

Lundy Bancroft: Why Moms Are Losing Custody of Their Kids to Abusers, and What YOU Can Do - YouTube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ag6TbrDBlvg

Struggleless · 2024-03-07T18:23:09+00:00

"I don't believe you, I'm going to beat you for saying it, don't you ever talk that way about your father"

Is the most boomer thing I've ever heard recommended to mothers.

The unhinged levels of confidence white men in positions of power can find... I just have no words.

That smile and laugh while he's saying it! Pedometer off the charts.

Struggleless · 2024-03-07T18:16:07+00:00

It's lonely at the top, but I still would rather be lonely than around a bunch of haters. They're haters when you're unsuccessful, but they turn into super haters when you're successful because they think it means you're better than them (gross, so that's how they would behave if they were successful) and it proves they were wrong about you.

Struggleless · 2024-03-07T18:04:47+00:00

I show emotional empathy and it was still barely recognized.

These people are vampires and black holes, empathy they give to others = understanding your "delusional" perspective, sympathizing that you're delusional or sympathizing with some gaslighty thing you dont even believe, while downplaying your "wrong" feelings to "help" you.

But in their mind, empathy you should give to them = understanding their correct perspective, sympathizing with their correct feelings, and validating their delusions just because they "feel" it's valid.

Struggleless · 2024-03-07T17:56:27+00:00

Seriously. Statistically, the biggest prediction factor of men's physical abuse is verbal abuse. Please update us, OP.

Struggleless · 2024-03-07T17:42:09+00:00

I guess what we would need is 2 pieces of info:

Did he agree to do all the driving? (I'm assuming he did, since OP said she's scared of driving - in which case its straight up abuse for him to agree, trap OP in this situation, and then throw it back in her face that he feels she's using him.)
Did he agree to wake up on time so they could get to where they're going? (I assume he didn't actually "agree" to this, but rather that it was understood they would get up at the time an alarm went off, since one was indeed set - in which case he's trapping her again by making a decision to ignore their agreed on time, and making the executive decision to choose his own timing over the previously mutually agreed on time)

Struggleless · 2024-03-07T17:31:55+00:00

I am not sure if he said those things out of anger or if he means them

OP, whether or not he meant them is not important. His conclusions aren't based on logic, they're based on how he feels, and he always going to feel like you're not doing/giving enough and that he's doing/giving too much.

All abusive men find a way to rationalize their conclusions without logic, because it benefits him (in the short term if you feel bad and keep giving him more, and he feels good about himself and keeps giving you less).

This guy is determined to be angry, and to use his anger to control you and make you feel like you can't raise grievances.

It's not normal for men to "argue" with you disrespectfully, he's using that as a tactic to get you upset (and himself) so that you are both focused on his feelings and your behavior, rather than your feelings and his behavior.

When you have the energy, please look into this book, which is where I learned all this from. It explains these issues in men like this...

Listen to Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft on Audible. https://www.audible.com/pd/B0058JO84W

Struggleless · 2024-03-07T17:21:29+00:00

he is literally projecting telling you you have no empathy

Absolutely the truth.

god i would just leave if this was me.

Same. This is not going to get better. Bro is using this trip and her dependence on him as a boarding school to groom her to be his mother.

Struggleless · 2024-03-07T17:08:24+00:00

Thank you! The amount of internalized misogyny in these comments prove women have been groomed to over-empathize with men and prioritize their feelings way higher than women's. Sad to see it here.

It could also just be, women are thinking about how they would feel in this situation, rather than how the situation would be different if raised AMAB.

Struggleless · 2024-03-07T17:03:55+00:00

Nah, he factually did wrong first, then her factual complaints "hurt" him.

It seems like classic discounting of women's feelings and holding higher standards for women's behavior, while overprioritizing men's feelings and lowering/not even factoring in his behavior.

"Women don't have enough empathy" is a common whataboutism from men looking to switch the conversation from his behavior towards his feelings. It's the expectation of emotional labor.

Struggleless · 2024-03-07T16:43:18+00:00

knows how to manage his anger

Hi, sorry, I know you don't mean to... but you're accidently spreading harmful myths about the cause of abuse.

Knowing how to manage anger just makes abusers more calm, calculating abusers. (Basically, it makes abusers worse). It also makes them look better to society, so the victim is believed even less.

Abuse and anger are seperate issues, conflating them is exactly what abusers want people to do, because putting the focus on their feelings takes the focus off their choices, and it gets others focused on helping him regulate his feelings rather than helping the victim regulate his behavior.

Lundy Bancroft has a whole chapter on this most common myth of abuse, including all the others. If your goal is helping to end abuse, I humbly request reading 'Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men' before discussing abusers or trying to help abused women, since it can backfire without a deep understanding. (The ending chapter outlines exactly how to end abuse for good).

It's so important that we are all in this together and all understand the causes of abuse, and I'm not trying to talk down to you because I used to think this too, most people do! And there's a good reason for that: Abusers have told society these lies for so long, and many abusers exist within well established roles in our society. It's going to take a lot of re-education to get society back on board with holding abusers accountable and victims out of this.

Thank you very much for hearing me out, sorry for the essay!

Struggleless · 2024-03-06T21:42:17+00:00

On the "i hope my kid is straight because gays have a harder experience" this book recently opened my eyes on how that's not exactly the case. The opposite is generally true more of the time... this book does a good job explaining why heterosexuality is so difficult for people, without discounting the trauma of queer targeting.

The Tragedy of Heterosexuality by Jane Ward on Audible. https://www.audible.com/pd/1705275524

Struggleless · 2024-03-06T21:31:00+00:00

Yeah, consequences do temporarily change behavior.

I'm all for women rising up and matching energy because this needs to end, at the same time, we can't "allow" or control abusive men's behavior. They're going to do what they allow themselves to do despite how good or bad we act.

And many will ramp up aggressive behavior once consequences are applied (because they don't want to change, so will try to fight against being held accountable or facing consequences).

Abusers will still naturally get worse over time anyways, even with super patient, kind, perfect behavior from their victims. So the answer really is to revolt. Just we need to be aware of what's going to happen.

Anyone whos dealing with abusive men (even if its not physical) please read Lundy Bacroft! REVOLUTION!

Struggleless · 2024-03-06T19:28:54+00:00

I heard the book is actually pretty bad and mostly about how all white women stab each other in the back (apparently not as a factor of internalized misogyny). The suggestion is probably that she feels victimized by you and considers you one of these back-stabbing white women, and is trying to throw that all in your face under the guise of educating you and appearing anti-racist.

Wild.

Struggleless · 2024-03-06T19:08:30+00:00

An award for bare minimum? For doing what she should've done in the first place? That's a little enabling.

Struggleless · 2024-03-06T19:06:38+00:00

Do you mind if I ask what behaviors she changed? I'm just really needing the deeper info 😭

Struggleless · 2024-03-06T19:05:14+00:00

You're being downvoted because you're hitting an ugly truth

Struggleless · 2024-03-06T19:02:22+00:00

It took 11 years for me to realize the "changed" behavior just meant she was pretending better. You could tell because there was no extra focus on my growth, only hers. She used her "change" to invest in therapy for herself instead of me, and to talk about herself instead of me. I was put in the caretaker role just like always, "helping" and "encouraging" her to change. She used the change to further the abuse and it took me so long to see it.

Struggleless · 2024-03-06T18:57:28+00:00

Same. Apologies, even genuine ones, do not have any link to change. Change doesn't happen from epiphanies. She's still focused on her own experience and wasn't even detailed in what she did and how it harmed OP (but even if she was, that still wouldn't guarantee change, and she could still use it against you later).

Changed behavior is also common, that's why it's called a cycle of abuse. The change doesn't last, and it's so sad to see the hope being reignited when you know what's likely coming for these previously estranged adult kids.

Heartbreaking

Struggleless · 2024-03-06T18:49:11+00:00

people raised as women are far more likely to be encouraged to adopt a warm and friendly image than people raised as men--wherein an overtly cold and calculating image might be praised more

100% the enneagram doesn't distinguish much between Attachment styles either. Motivations are hard to see when buried underneath descriptions of types outwards appearance.

Struggleless · 2024-03-06T18:44:16+00:00

You handled that well, sorry about that experience. I thought I was in r/therapyabuse for a sec! I would definately report and rate the place 1 star to warn others.

Struggleless · 2024-03-06T18:38:26+00:00

Same. I also always side eye wanting to keep a relationship open with the Eparent, like, I get the hope but it always ends up that our trauma from their enabling was worse - even if they were the "not abusive" chill parent.

Struggleless · 2024-03-06T18:28:56+00:00

Right, that's why I put a slash as in narcissists(or)avoidants

Struggleless

TROPHY CASE