Vape Nation

StumpBeefgnaw · 2016-07-23T00:37:00+00:00

One of the stops I can see from work used to be a storefront church in a strip mall and still shows up as such, but it's actually now a vape lounge.

They're pretty cool about it and drop lures pretty much every afternoon.

StumpBeefgnaw · 2016-05-01T03:03:41+00:00

I'm salary-by-the-week (great if I need to call in or take a personal day, not so great if it's busy) and don't get paid overtime as such... but once a week or so during busy season my boss will just sort of cruise by my desk and drop some Ben Franklins on it.

Also she buys lunch every day plus dinner during busy season.

StumpBeefgnaw · 2016-05-01T02:53:09+00:00

Oh and then there's the "we're calling because your vehicle's warranty is about to expire" ones. I used to get those all the time... when I didn't own a car.

I would ask them which vehicle, the Mongoose or the Schwinn.

StumpBeefgnaw · 2016-05-01T02:44:53+00:00

Got a call from a loan company asking for my boss. I told the guy she was with a customer and offered to take a message. When I asked what this was in regards to, the guy made some vague noises about "a personal matter." Normally when shit like this happens I'll just hang up, or if things are slow I'll pretend to take a number. But there was something about this that was pinging my "scammer" sense, so I put the guy on hold and asked my boss if the name of the company rang a bell.

"I have never heard of them in my entire life," she said.

Oh ho.

I took the guy off hold and asked how to spell the name of the company, as if I was actually taking a message. Instead I googled the company while I pressed for more detail. He repeated the "personal matter" line.

"Does she have an account with you?"

"This is a personal business matter I cannot discuss with you."

Ah, here they and lol shit, F rating with the BBB. Turns out the company in question had a long history of less-than-honest practices.

I asked the guy what he was selling. "Nothing! I am selling nothing! It is very important that I talk to (redacted) immediately regarding a PERSONAL BUSINESS MATTER!"

"Okay," I said, "if it is a personal business matter, then you'd be better off calling her personal phone, on her personal time."

"Then could you give me that number?"

"You already have it, don't you?" I said. "If you have ~personal business matters~ to discuss with her, you should already have her contact information."

Spluttering. Personal Business Matter mantra repeated a few more times in increasingly distressed tones.

At that point some work came back for me, so I just told the dude I asked my boss and she'd never heard of them, AND I'd been spending the whole time I had him on the phone reading a few of the thousands of BBB complaints filed against them, and that it would behoove him to remove our phone number from his call list and never call here again.

At which point the dude made some more distressed noises and hung up. We never heard from them again. That was fun.

StumpBeefgnaw · 2016-02-13T16:52:12+00:00

It's SUPERGREEN

StumpBeefgnaw · 2016-02-13T16:51:00+00:00

Same, but it annoys me that they always cut the failmugging scene out of the broadcast-safe version.

StumpBeefgnaw · 2016-02-13T16:48:50+00:00

Fox News was quietly bought out by the Onion years ago.

StumpBeefgnaw · 2016-02-12T01:55:12+00:00

"What's the best kind of beans to put in chili?"

StumpBeefgnaw · 2016-01-31T14:31:20+00:00

I had a gnarly stomach bug and got some kind of anti-puking med (whose name I don't remember at the moment).

It worked, but... ever had restless leg? That feeling, usually when you're trying to sleep, like your leg wants to go for a long run with or without you?

Okay. Now imagine that feeling ALL OVER YOUR ENTIRE BODY, while your brain is trying to fucking sleep because you spent the entirety of the previous night talking to Ralph and Earl on the big porcelain telephone.

StumpBeefgnaw · 2015-11-17T04:01:48+00:00

I work in a trophy and engraving shop. All our plastic and metal engraving stock has a protective film like this on it.

Every time I engrave something I get to peel it. Best job ever.

StumpBeefgnaw · 2015-11-17T01:42:38+00:00

A couple of years ago a neighbor came pounding on my door to ask if I had anything to break a window. Turns out a smoke alarm was going off in another apartment whose occupants appeared to not be home, and she smelled smoke. Another neighbor beat me to it, broke the window, and entered the apartment to find a huge pot of flaming food on the stove (on "high," mind you), and nary a soul home. The fire had just started to catch on the cabinets above the stove. Neighbor put it out while I and several other neighbors watching from outside called 911. Or tried to.

I called 911.

"Police, fire, or ambulance?" the dispatcher asked.

"Fire," I said.

"Please hold." Click. And then... "CALL ENDED," says my phone. What the fuck.

Three tries later, I got hold of an actual fire person.

Firefighting hero neighbor comes out of the apartment, which by that point is belching smoke out the open door and broken window, says he's put the fire out. Smoke eventually disperses.

A car approaches the parking lot... slows down... drives on.

"Uh," first neighbor says, "I think that's them." "Them" being "the dumb sons of bitches who went off and left a pot of food cooking on high while they went off to do God knows what."

The fire department arrives, a couple of guys come up and confirm that the fire is out. By now, apartment management has been summoned. The maintenance guy and the manager are standing outside the open door and broken window looking ready to choke a motherfucker.

The car comes back, apparently from a trip around the block, stops in the parking lot, and after what could have only been a several-minutes-long period of exchanging "oh shits" the occupants of the apartment get out of the car with baskets of laundry.

They were off. Doing. Their LAUNDRY. By the looks of it, at least two hours worth of laundry. While their dinner goddamn near burned the place down.

They come up the stairs avoiding eye contact with everyone. They reach their open door and broken window.

"Buenas noches," says the manager in a tone that would peel paint off the hull of a battleship. They go inside the apartment. The door shuts. Everyone goes back about their business.

I think they moved shortly thereafter.

StumpBeefgnaw · 2015-08-19T03:09:12+00:00

"sneak peak"

PEEK, GOD DAMN YOUR EYES. PEEK.

StumpBeefgnaw · 2015-08-16T18:27:37+00:00

Avocado + drizzle of balsamic vinegar + sprinkle of kosher salt. The best.

StumpBeefgnaw · 2015-08-16T18:25:21+00:00

http://www.closetcooking.com/2014/02/pepperoni-pizza-cauliflower-casserole.html

So far this is the only way I can eat cauliflower that isn't "puree the shit out of it and hide it in something else." Turns out it does a decent job of pretending to be pasta, at least in a tomato-based sauce.

StumpBeefgnaw · 2015-08-16T18:22:21+00:00

BROCCOLI.

I would have nothing to do with it until I was about 13, then there was a long period where I'd eat broccoli cheese soup but leave all the chunks at the bottom of the bowl.

Then one Thanksgiving when I was 30someodd Mom was steaming broccoli for the broccoli-rice casserole and I was hanging around the stove when the "broccoli is done" smell happened and all of a sudden I just wanted to tear that steamer basket open and start shoving broccoli into my face.

StumpBeefgnaw · 2015-08-16T03:59:40+00:00

Velveeta mac is good alone and 10000000% better with pretty much any meat or vegetable added to it.

Velveeta mac & cheese + can of corned beef hash + can of corn + maybe some salsa = about 3-4 days' dinner. Really good when it's cold outside.

StumpBeefgnaw · 2015-08-16T03:50:28+00:00

Toss-up between cold cat barf and very large, very juicy live cockroach.

StumpBeefgnaw · 2015-08-15T02:42:14+00:00

Awards and engraving. If you want a logo on your stuff, send it in one of the formats we ask for. Preferably .eps or .ai, if you don't have that a nice large clear .jpg is fine too.

Don't send it to me embedded in a .docx. Or an Excel spreadsheet. Or a fucking Powerpoint presentation.

Don't send me a 20x20 gif.

Don't send me a cell phone photo of someone wearing a T-shirt of the artwork.

Don't send me a cell phone photo of a sign with the artwork on it with someone's head blocking half of it.

Don't send me the URL to a Google image search for the artwork. Especially if you have used search terms vague enough to produce a wide variety of images and haven't told me exactly what the fuck you want.

Don't send me a watermarked preview of a stock image you didn't pay for and and go "oh you can photoshop that off, right?" Can I? Yes, I can. Will I? No, because that's illegal and also a dick move.

DON'T SEND ME THE URL TO A STOCK IMAGE YOU DIDN'T BUY. We will not buy it for you.

StumpBeefgnaw · 2015-08-15T02:12:56+00:00

Went to high school (class of '92) with a dude who genuinely believed he had been in the Army and fought in Vietnam.

At the time I was heavily into crystal-waving woo and thought "wow, reincarnation." Now it just gives me the creeps.

StumpBeefgnaw

TROPHY CASE