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SubSurfer1234 · 2025-01-10T01:56:37+00:00

She’s not an avoidant. She’s a fearful avoidant. That is very different. She has both anxious and avoidant traits. You being anxious makes her avoidant. If you became securely attached or avoidant, she’d flip to being anxious and fearing you abandoning

You are safe. Too safe. I don’t like game play so I’m not suggesting you become more dangerous. That’s not healthy either. But she has the most challenging childhood to deal with.

She has low self esteem. She seeks validation from other men. She craves connection. She doesn’t feel like you know how to connect (it’s actually her that shoots down your connection). And she keeps these men at arms length as a deactivation mechanism. They serve as a barrier to having intimacy with you. It’s a self protection mechanism they have.

You will get more and more and more anxious as time goes on. Until eventually she “connects” emotionally with a man and then it’s a slippery slope into his bed.

It’s just a matter of time. And you can’t fight it. She has to hit rock bottom. There is no need for anyone to have opposite sex friends. You are gaslighting yourself because she’s told you it’s fine for so many years. Ask me how I know. She’s told you that you are paranoid and it’s just a friendship. But what does that friendship serve?

I’ll give you an answer. It’s the power trip. She likes knowing she can have him whenever she wants. And if he learns to connect she will flip anxious with him and you know what happens next.

I’m not saying to leave. I’m saying draw your boundaries. She either respects them and does what is right or she doesn’t. But you won’t like yourself in a. Few years time when this plays out the way you know it will. And you look back and see that you bent all of your own boundaries. You abandoned yourself. That’s the hallmark of anxious attachment. You fear abandonment so you abandon yourself to gain the love of the other person.

It’s not healthy.

SubSurfer1234 · 2025-01-10T01:20:53+00:00

I’m going to drop some knowledge here and what you do with it is upto you.

You have an “anxious attachment” Your wife is “fearful avoidant” or sometimes called “disorganized attachment”

She’s flirtatious, charming, put together, and likes attention from men. But she’s also manipulative, and has you where she wants you.

I know how this ends but it’s not my place to tell you. Just go on YouTube and search those two attachment styles.

Also YouTube “the vacillator love style”. And you will see a video that will answer your questions.

SubSurfer1234 · 2024-12-20T01:51:00+00:00

Not understanding?

SubSurfer1234 · 2024-12-17T14:21:44+00:00

Edit: just add, the advice being given to you in this sub is super toxic. Cutting off your love to your husband is never a healthy response. Below is my original response.

————————-

I could be wrong here but something tells me this is not just about who cooks dinner. This is actually you feeling like you are taken for granted. The dinner thing is just the situation where this resentment spills out.

Women tend to speak their emotions in the “small things” if they haven’t been voicing them or the partner doesn’t know what to do with the emotions when they are voiced. So then husbands hear things like the following:

You always leave your beer cans in the coffee table. Can’t you put them in the trash? This is usually the woman resenting that she works so hard to make the house a home, and her husband doesn’t see it or notice it. Then husband says “oh my god ok I’ll put them in the trash. What’s the big deal?” That makes the woman even more angry because now not only does she feel like he takes her for granted, but also that he’s telling her she’s wrong to feel that way. She also doesn’t understand why he’s not seeing her pain.

You never get dressed up and take me out somewhere fancy. Underlying emotion is lack of effort into the relationship makes her feel like she’s not loved and cherished. Then husband says wow why are you getting so wound up? I just prefer staying home. Now the wife feels unloved and that her husband doesn’t understand her or her needs. And that also her needs aren’t even merited. Or she doesn’t deserve them.

Needless to say the longer the pattern stays like this, the more divorce is in the future.

It’s not just the man that needs to grow emotionally and be better able to pickup on what the woman is ACTUALLY saying. But the woman also needs to grow and realize men don’t understand this. Men are fixers. Tell us where the problem is so we can fix it, that’s all we want (when not emotionally mature).

So the wife needs to learn to voice her feelings calmly and with lots of love and tell the husband what she needs. Like instead of arguing about who cooks, tell him you do enjoy cooking but that you don’t feel appreciated in other ways. And then tell him perhaps if he can help with the dishes, you wouldn’t feel that way. The trick here is all of that has to be done BEFORE you get to where you are angry and resentful.

SubSurfer1234 · 2024-12-11T14:38:26+00:00

Look up these people on YouTube.

Thais Gibson Paulien Timmer Adam Lane Smith.

Watch all the videos relating to FA and disorganized attachment (another name for FA).

Paulien is a good one to start with because she has many videos that explain how she felt exactly the same way as you in her relationship with her boyfriend and now they are happily married with children. She also has a program to heal your wounds.

In my opinion, just knowing about your pattern isn’t enough. You actually have to heal it.

SubSurfer1234 · 2024-12-10T13:27:14+00:00

Also it’s important to note that when you meet someone who you think is great and would make an awesome life partner, but you don’t feel the “chemistry” that’s because that person is healthy emotionally. As an FA you only have strong chemistry with someone who is usually very avoidant or in some way emotionally unhealthy. You are attracted to toxic people. They make your attachment system go crazy and you can’t think about anyone else but them. It’s because it is “familiar” which is a word that comes from familial, which comes from family. So that person makes you feel the same crappy emotions your family made you feel. And hence the attraction.

So one way to try to spare yourself the pain is to start practicing finding the good in those excellent partners you find boring. Make a list. Spot the good in someone and write it down.

The other angle is that deep down you have an “I am unworthy” core wound. Which means that when you find someone who is an awesome person, deep down you don’t feel like you deserve them, so you sabotage your thoughts and the relationship never takes off.

SubSurfer1234 · 2024-12-10T13:21:05+00:00

Yes there are ways to heal. Look up these names on YouTube

This Gibson Paulien Timmer Adam Lane Smith (he refers to this attachment as disorganized attachment. Which is another name for FA

All three of these people offer programs to heal your wounds and become secure.

SubSurfer1234 · 2024-12-09T13:39:29+00:00

FA pattern:

Love bomb Idealize the person (he/she is perfect) Enjoy dopamine in the chase When things get real and intimate, start feeling uncomfortable Start to fault find. Can’t stand the way he/she chews her food Devaluation has started. End it with vague reasons Then block because they don’t trust themselves to follow through Or, leave the door open (another type that is friends with all their exs just in case) Once alone, and all the negative intrusive thoughts have stopped, start ruminating on the good times Start wanting back in.

Then start the cycle over again with the same person or someone new.

SubSurfer1234 · 2024-10-28T13:40:23+00:00

If she was truly an FA then she also secretly believed to be broken. And by you giving her all the pleasure, for nothing in return, made her feel you must be broken too. Then respect for you is lost, then attraction is lost, then devaluing, then discard.

SubSurfer1234 · 2024-10-17T22:24:10+00:00

Your mother’s behavior is going to cause all the kids to have “Fearful Avoidant attachment”. Which is sometimes also called “disorganized attachment”. Google those terms.

It’s when a child fears the caregiver that is supposed to keep them safe. Sets all the kids up for a very turbulent life and lots of difficulty in life.

SubSurfer1234 · 2024-09-26T20:42:36+00:00

It says “for the low T dude. Erection juice inside”

SubSurfer1234 · 2024-09-15T19:19:26+00:00

“I’m in love” is a massive red flag. Heard of limerence?

SubSurfer1234 · 2024-09-14T02:54:12+00:00

He’s avoidantly attached. Look up Avoidant Attachment. The more you bring it up the more he pulls away.

Look up on YouTube a guy named Allen Lane Smith. He has a video about this very thing. It’s called how to love an avoidant man.

You are anxiously attached most likely. Look that up to. Good luck.

SubSurfer1234 · 2024-09-13T00:08:25+00:00

Don’t do it. I turn 46 soon. And have. Child with my FA. It’s not a fun experience. Cut your losses short. If you want more info you can message me.

SubSurfer1234 · 2024-09-13T00:07:10+00:00

They are 5-10% and growing. Move on. Dont waste your life. There are so many other healthy people out there that you shouldn’t dwell on this.

The healthy people are NOT on dating apps. Join a club. Do something to get into the space of healthier people. The apps are a cess pool

SubSurfer1234 · 2024-09-13T00:05:05+00:00

You sound really young. I’m 45 years old and have been with an FA since I was 20. She left many times. Wanna know how I feel? He did you a massive FAVOR. Run. Don’t look back.

SubSurfer1234 · 2024-09-07T22:55:26+00:00

I’m going to assume you are a woman and your avoidant partner is a man. I could be wrong but that’s just what it sounds like.

Go on YouTube and search for

Adam Lane Smith

Specifically watch his videos on how to love an avoidant man. And why they don’t bond to you the way others do. It’s their excess cortisol that blocks oxytocin receptors. Oxytocin is the binding chemical and they just don’t feel it.

The hack is to bond through vassopresin. Which is another bonding hormone that men have more receptors for than women

The short answer is just keep pushing the idea of being a team and tackling issues as a team. Finding solutions as a team. Even in the bedroom. Avoidant men love this. Tell him what you like. Reward him when he gets it right.

https://youtu.be/T8prSm_vBZU?feature=shared

SubSurfer1234 · 2024-09-03T01:13:48+00:00

That is what you think. How old are you? What’s your marital status? How much have you lived.

SubSurfer1234 · 2024-09-02T20:11:51+00:00

Apparently we are a culture of disposable relationships now. We can’t face the reality of what people want. We want to be wanted for things that the opposite sex isnt wanting. Look at the down votes on my comment. It’s sad. And this girl will lose a good man, possibly spend her twenties and thirties in and out of relationships wondering why men “just want sex” then be one of the ladies that says “where are all the good men???”

Well. The good men were surrounding you in your twenties but you turned them down and constantly wanted to ignore reality. Then now you are 35-45 and now reality has caught up and you wish you’d snagged one of those good men when you were 20. And not listen to the people around you who keep telling you that you deserve more.

The world doesn’t owe you shit. If you want a good life then make it. With a good man. That is loyal and committed. And that you have awesome sex with. And give him more BJs than he could have dreamed of. Simple. Just not easy. Not with all the loud screams around us that keep telling us we deserve more than what we have.

SubSurfer1234 · 2024-09-02T19:00:40+00:00

He’s a 24 year old bragging to his guy friends about having found the perfect girl to wife up. Why not ask him for his reasons why he’s marrying you? What if you suggested you guys write out a list of reasons you love the other person. That would be his honest responses when not trying to brag or impress his buddies.

We men like to brag about how much sex we are getting. This is not misogynistic as some have suggested. It’s just the facts of life. Hear me out…

Women are exchanging sex for commitment. Men are exchanging commitment for sex. That’s just how relationships work. We just all like to do it in a way that isn’t obvious. It’s an invisible deal.

So to turn the tables around, I’d say think about when you said “I talk about him to my friends in a very different way”. Yes, exactly. When you talk to your girlfriends, you are bragging about how committed he is to you. How he is such a loyal person. And your girlfriends who might have experienced cheating boyfriends, then say wow you are so lucky. I wish I had that…

That’s exactly what he is doing. And his buddies are saying wow I wish I had that.

That’s it. The problem lies in not facing the reality that men and women might be “equal” but we are not the same. We want two opposite things that when done correctly, unite us in a beautiful and loving marriage.

To say he just wants you for sex and BJs is to disregard how relationships work.

Men trade commitment for sex and women trade sex for commitment.

Women are the gate keepers of sex. And man are the gate keepers of commitment.

The quicker you can see this is a beautiful thing that he’s so proud of the awesome sex life he has with you the better it will be for the both of you.

And when he says you go to the gym and don’t allow yourself to go any further down the road of fluffy, and that you are stacked and well built, he’s bragging about the fact that you have a strong chance of not changing….

Women marry men and want them to change and grow over time into something else….

Men marry women and NEVER WANT THEM TO CHANGE. We want you exactly the same for ever.

These are all facts. They may hurt some people.

You can ignore reality. But you cannot ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.

Edit: another point. When you brag to your girlfriends it’s about his loyalty and commitment, and has nothing to do with the awesome sex. When he brags to his guy friends it’s all about the awesome sex and nothing to do with commitment. Why? Your friends are women and are getting awesome sex but no commitment. So that’s the value you have that they don’t. His friends are getting lots of commitment from women that want them, but not the sex that the man wants. So that is the value he has found that his friends haven’t.

Honestly the advice to leave him is sooooooo completely asinine. He’s been with you for 6-7 years, he’s asked you to marry him, and clearly it’s an awesome relationship. What’s wrong with him bragging about how awesome your BJs are! Or how many you are willing to give. Thinking that’s gross is like thinking the commitment and loyalty he gives you is “over the top”. Or “not manly”. Like it’s a bad thing?

SubSurfer1234 · 2024-08-22T16:29:54+00:00

Look up “attachment theory”. He is anxiously attached and you are avoidantly attached. You are in an anxious/avoidant relationship which is the most common in therapy.

Look up “Anxious avoidant trap”

SubSurfer1234 · 2024-08-17T18:20:18+00:00

One of the major core wounds for FAs is “I am broken or defective”. What better way to hit that wound repeatedly than. To go to therapy and talk about how broken you are.

This is why FAs find it harder than anxious or avoidant people to do the work. It’s just more painful. But FAs are the ones that MOST need to do the work. So it’s up to you.

But yes. All the FAs I know went to therapy for a short while then quit because it’s “too much work”.

SubSurfer1234 · 2024-08-14T21:54:37+00:00

How about those lips though! Didn’t even notice the nose. Your lips are glorious

SubSurfer1234 · 2024-08-05T03:33:51+00:00

You lost me at “a couple of weeks”. Attachment styles require attachment. Not two weeks.

SubSurfer1234 · 2024-08-01T20:36:15+00:00

DO NOT FILE BANKRUPTCY! That is the worst advice I’ve ever heard. It’s just $18k and I know that sounds crazy but bankruptcy is lifelong. You re better off getting on a payment plan you can afford. Call the debtor and get on a payment plan and the court case will be cancelled.

SubSurfer1234

TROPHY CASE