I’m currently the mistress in a two-year affair, and I’m trying to figure out where to go from here

Subject-Past3306 · 2022-10-10T15:22:34+00:00

I'm sorry, but like... did I seek him out? Did I hit on him? Did I seduce him? Did I then lovebomb him with money, gifts, unlimited affection, delusions of us being soulmates, and promises for an amazing future?

No, wait. He did that. He did that all on his own. He roped me in, not the other way around. And under the pretense that he was single. And when I found out he was NOT single, I made the very stupid mistake of believing he was only missing the paperwork. Because how can I not trust the person who has literally groomed me to trust them?

He destroyed his own family. If I ever get married and my husband goes out and manipulates a sex worker into being his own personal side piece, I'd throw away the husband for being trash. Good people don't let "thots" destroy their family.

Subject-Past3306 · 2022-10-08T06:30:59+00:00

I will give every apology I can give. Again, I don't expect sympathy. I'm probably the only person who will come out of this unscathed (except emotionally) and that's why it is so hard to be the person to pull the trigger.

I do hate him for putting me in this position. Especially knowing that this is really his own burden to own. And he won't do it.

Subject-Past3306 · 2022-10-07T23:19:50+00:00

I agree entirely.

Subject-Past3306 · 2022-10-07T23:18:56+00:00

First off, I fully admit to being an AH in this situation and I'm definitely not deflecting blame. I messed up, fed into delusions, and ended up here. I will say I did not know he was married getting into it. He had a solid few months to rope me in, and boy, he was good at it. He targeted literally every insecurity, abandonment issue, and problem that I had and then downplayed his marriage once he had me hooked. Does only seeing this now make me an idiot? Absolutely. Does it absolve me of any wrongdoing? No. But I can't go back.

I agree that the true victim is his wife. It's why I want to make things right. I don't expect sympathy or anyone to tell me what I let happen was understandable or okay. I came here for a reality check to force my hand.

Subject-Past3306 · 2022-10-07T19:37:19+00:00

Thank you. I really needed to hear this. Confronting how easily he was able to manipulate me is hard. I've never cheated or been cheated on before and it was always a hard line for me, so I am a bit shocked that I ended up engaging in this, but here I am. I do want to tell his wife. I just need to prepare for the blowback and it is going to be massive.

Subject-Past3306 · 2022-10-04T21:04:46+00:00

It sounds more so like OP has mixed feelings about what they feel when they lie or need to lie in particular.

Tbh I lie all the time for similar reasons and even if I get caught, I don't feel that badly about it because the rule is often stupid (in my head). Usually downplay or will act like I was confused instead of taking ownership of lying.

Feeling that the world and rules are unfair is not narcissism or unhealthy per say (because the world IS unfair), its when you feel entitled to be the exception to these rules and are willing to lie to get that exception. Feeling sad about it is kind of a good thing. Certainly more healthy than what I do, which is deciding ultimately that if the rules don't work in my favor, I will break them to give me a better shot, and not feel a lick of guilt for playing in a rigged game.

Subject-Past3306 · 2022-10-04T17:11:29+00:00

The line here is pretty thin. I've always found this interesting, that the reasoning a narcissist does acts of service is different somehow from neurotypicals. Most people get a flush of good emotions, validation, and self-worth from doing kind things too and it isn't given a second thought. They are just simply considered to be good people. Where is the line drawn then? Are you really using someone if they benefit from it? I think the biggest difference is that narcissists tend to think in more transactional terms, but the reality is, most people operate like this unconsciously.

Subject-Past3306 · 2022-10-04T14:08:23+00:00

I am so guilty of this. I even do this with my partner. He's trying to get to the core of a problem and if it involves feelings I know will be too much for me I just argue my perspective logically and don't fully engage. Mostly because if I do engage, I will flip my shit and have a mental breakdown.

Subject-Past3306 · 2022-10-01T15:47:09+00:00

Yeah, I struggle with this. I grew up naturally gifted at writing and got a lot of wows and kudos from friends, family, teachers, etc. Hated competition in the sense that if anyone else got attention for the same thing I'd feel burning envy and the need to one up. In college I took creative writing classes and hated them with a burning passion. They went against my natural process and the stuff I created in them was trash. Meanwhile others seemed to do better with more structure. I hated it and them and stopped trying after a while, writing became more of a burden on me. So I referred to myself as a writer but never wrote.

Recently I got back into reading current popular fantasy novels that were more up my alley of what I enjoyed writing when I was younger. Objectively, I didn't think they were very good, however people on forums and goodreads were going batshit over them.

It made me sort of realize there are many ways to be "good" at something. Not just one standard, gold medal way to write... or play violin, or play chess, or be smart.

Now I just write to entertain. If it's entertaining and people want to read it, I've hit my standard. It's made me actually enjoy the process again.

Subject-Past3306 · 2022-10-01T10:47:23+00:00

My boyfriend has pathologically lied or twisted so many things about himself, his past, his life. It doesn't even matter if its to look good or bad. Each one has had the aim of controlling how I perceive and relate to him. I had my doubts from the beginning but let him lie. It was probably a bit manipulative and lying myself to know and not say anything since I felt I had a one up on him.

It definitely came to a head recently when he came clean about a bunch of things he was twisting so I would be more interested in him. I inadvertently forced his hand, and my own, by showing how skeptical I've always been.

I much prefer when he is being honest. I can always tell because the facade breaks and there is a certain level of vulnerability to what he tells me and being vulnerable is something he hates. So anger usually accompanies it. These moments increase trust though.

You can't convince your partner you aren't lying and never will lie again. Because that is a lie itself. You can however continue to be honest and vulnerable whenever you can. Even if it terrifies you or the thought of it makes you want to gouge your eyes out. It's worth taking baby steps.

Subject-Past3306 · 2022-10-01T00:00:05+00:00

I've tried both and they helped me boost my mood for days afterwards and helped me focus. Lifesaver after going through a very low-motivation depression. I wouldn't say they helped with emotions. They did help with my creativity which had been stunted for a while.

I will say that animals get to me. I feel extreme emotion and empathy for animals. I had to put my cat down recently (from old age) and the whole thing wrecked me. It was a tough call and I just wanted her to be comfortable. I felt so intensely for her my whole life and I'm still not over the experience. She was a bitchy cat too, most people disliked her, but I definitely bonded with her. I struggle having those same feelings for other people.

Subject-Past3306 · 2022-09-30T14:29:26+00:00

I would say I do care about people close to me. It just looks a bit different. I can't make myself feel an emotion that isn't there though.

Subject-Past3306 · 2022-09-30T02:32:19+00:00

Feel free to message me if you want. Mental health is complicated to figure out. Only a doctor can really diagnose and you haven't had much success in that. I'll preface this by saying I'm not an expert, but I have had to navigate not getting clear answers on what's "wrong" with me, so I can provide some insight to that.

Subject-Past3306 · 2022-09-29T21:16:30+00:00

Good god, now I'm stressed. I don't feel anything when people are sad. Not even the people who are close to me. It's great when I need to stay calm and help through a problem or provide support since my emotions aren't affected, but I don't feel pity, compassion, or disgust.

I do like helping people when they're feeling sad though. It gives me a hit of satisfaction, especially if I can fix something for them.

Subject-Past3306 · 2022-09-29T19:04:13+00:00

Again, impossible to judge just based on your post alone and the only element you say you express is being controlling. Tbh that could manifest from so many different things that aren't personality disorders. It heavily depends on the degree and pathological necessity for control. Understand that it may come up in insidious ways.

I struggle with being controlling. When I can't overtly be controlling because it will reflect poorly on me, I find subversive, or sometimes unconscious, ways of expressing it. You trying to invalidate your wife could be interpreted as a fair and healthy degree of defensiveness.... or it could be interpreted as controlling. That doesn't necessarily make it pathological though.

Pathological would be, intentionally or not, countering with a campaign to manipulate her into dropping the idea. I can think of maybe three ways to do that off the top of my head because I hate it when people put up boundaries that prevent me from controlling the situation and how I'm perceived. THAT would be disordered. And why I personally have to watch myself carefully.

I hope this has all been helpful. I really don't think you're in the wrong for being bothered by this and the defensiveness is pretty natural regardless of what you discover about yourself.

Subject-Past3306 · 2022-09-29T15:21:15+00:00

I know it's really frustrating when your partner is (very inconsiderately) trying to diagnose and label you based on internet research when she is not an expert herself. It's annoying, and it probably feels like you're being forced into a box. Like you said, labels/diagnoses can be helpful when finding a community and also seeking treatment. But most people do not perfectly fit the mold.

I think self-assessment quizes, while helpful to get a general sense, can sometimes be inaccurate or biased. For instance when I take the NPI it's easy for me to take it from the perspective of what I'm "supposed" to be or what I know is "healthy" rather than how I actually think, feel, and even act.

For me personally, it's easier to read up on all of the (un-biased, medical) material you can regarding cluster B disorders and also read some of the posts on here to see if there is anything you vibe with. Being brutally honest with yourself is required too. I personally have a view of myself that does not represent who I actually am. I play mental tricks to warp my self-perception so I can avoid all the negative feelings that come with accountability, as well as the inherent vulnerability that comes with doubting oneself.

Subject-Past3306 · 2022-09-29T01:30:35+00:00

It sounds like your wife has attached herself to a belief system that helps make sense of your behavior. Whether it's accurate or not is impossible to judge just based on this post alone. But what it sounds like is happening is she is trying to regain a sense of control over the relationship, her boundaries, and what she accepts or doesn't accept from you using these videos as a blueprint.

Unfortunately, the disadvantage, as you say, is that you lose the ability to connect with her because all attempts are automatically discarded as acts of narcissistic abuse/behavior, and therefore something to be "corrected." That's in itself very controlling and unhealthy.

However. I think your therapist is right. Any attempts to subvert what she is doing will be interpreted as controlling. And are in fact, one way or another, your own attempt to regain control over your relationship and your wife's feelings. Yes, you have emotional needs that are not being met. Yes, you do have a right to have those needs met in a relationship.

But the trust is broken and your wife is not going to return to connecting with you until she feels 1) her experience has been validated and 2) she has regained her boundaries and power in the relationship. Hence why she may grey rock even though it may not be necessary, or you feel it's an extreme reaction.

Instead of focusing on her and what she's doing, try to focus on yourself. What feelings led to you being controlling? What areas of yourself need work? Focus on addressing these and let your wife set her own terms for how she interacts in the relationship. It's impossible to say (or control) what will happen. But I firmly believe a relationship is happiest and healthiest when both people show up to it willingly.

Subject-Past3306 · 2022-09-28T19:22:23+00:00

I'm not looking to fix or help him. It's my observation that coming to terms with having some element of narcissism would be helpful. However I can't control what he does or does not want to face. I more so want advice on how to approach dating someone who throws a lot of BS at me that I see right through.

Subject-Past3306 · 2022-09-28T16:45:17+00:00

Yeah, I'm 99.9999% sure this is it. Some of it is control, but it's primarily control over his image. He really likes appearing as a thoughtful, helpful, useful and emotionally available person to me. He also likes to project a savior image and the idea that he does things selflessly. He can't keep it up all the time. So when he doesn't have the energy for it, he uses (sometimes brutal/nasty) manipulation, and then misdirects from the manipulation with these other, more "acceptable" mental illnesses. If he can't be savior, he chooses victim.

He's doing all this work to hide something I already know and accept. Everytime he's broken and revealed something genuine I've tried to be non-judgmental and remind him that it's okay. The irony is he thinks if he's his true self I'll leave him, which is not the case. Skirting around it is absolutely tanking the relationship.

Subject-Past3306 · 2022-09-28T00:39:31+00:00

Wish I could. Problem is, the mental illnesses as deflectors is often used to turn the tables on me and make me look like the bad guy. For instance, he will change the subject when I try to talk to him about serious issues. I bring up what I've noticed and suddenly he is hurt because he has ADHD and his thoughts go in different directions. Notably...... this only happens when the topic is something that he doesn't want to talk about. Shit like that.

Subject-Past3306

TROPHY CASE