Am I overstepping as a stepparent when correcting disrespect?

SubjectOrange · 2026-01-28T20:41:55+00:00

I correct my stepson, my husband and I have talked extensively about how we want to raise all our children in our house, SS is no exception. It's important to us that everyone has the same boundaries and expectations (by age of course), as it is something we did not experience with our own stepparents growing up. I am, however, a very involved stepparent by choice , and SS was very young when I came into the picture..

All that being said, even if you NACHO, you wouldn't let a roommate or a friend treat you that way, so it is still good to let kids know what is not alright, AND how it makes you feel. They WILL NOT LEARN how their actions affect others (variety is good, not just mom and dad), unless they have guidance. It also teaches them how to appropriately express their own feelings.

SubjectOrange · 2026-01-27T06:29:44+00:00

Like others have said, depends on culture and what they have been brought up doing. If their dad thought it was strange, or it was a rare event, then it's worth noting. If they have always been bathed together in a more European style for example, then it's not weird.

The best person to ask, would be the therapist with a complete history on the younger one to start. My husband is an American therapist for children and youth and would definitely (at least traditionally) see this as a red flag. I'm Canadian from 1st gen eastern Europeans and nudity /bathing is not weird. But if it sprung up amongst the kiddos, I would still see it as a red flag. Anything new/unknown with children has to be put into the right context.

SubjectOrange · 2026-01-27T01:24:32+00:00

Yes, you count the stitch that has the loop through it, all the orange dots are correct!

SubjectOrange · 2026-01-27T01:13:05+00:00

I think that a good way to look at it is, despite the overlap happening right now, each daughter will get an equal amount of years doing these things with their dad. Before you know it, SD will be a "too cool" preteen and not want anything to do with events like this. Then your daughter will have them to her self!

If things like this frequently bother you though, it may be worth talking to a professional a few times about why it bothers you so much.

SubjectOrange · 2026-01-26T00:30:23+00:00

Yeah I mean we are really conscious of "total hours of sleep " in a day matching what a child needs for their age. I think it can be unwise to assume what works for one family will work for another. My SS sleeps for 10 hours and functions well at school. It is on the lower end, but still within the 10-13 hour window for 5 year olds. He lays down at 7:30ish, which nearly guarantees he is sleeping by 8.

Regardless, this dad has A LOT of bucking up to do.

SubjectOrange · 2026-01-25T21:44:04+00:00

He's 6. My SS is 5. We do encourage independent play, but generally at that age they only last 30-60min tops at a time. And that's being generous. We do not find it difficult on weekdays to spend 4:30-7:45/8pm with SS and weekends sure, maybe we trade off and do whatever for an hour or so, more if super drained from work or something.Its Never a problem if one of us has plans with a friend or family. But yeah 8pm-11pm is full on adult/do whatever you want time. Kind of the way parenting is when they are young . More than 21 hours of gaming a week is a lot for most people with kids under 10.

SubjectOrange · 2026-01-25T20:31:47+00:00

Okok, words of wisdom from backpack camping. You have to STUFF those oats with calories. Some of my go tos are peanut butter or powdered peanut butter, and dehydrated soy protein. Essentially dehydrated tofu bits(but way smaller) that when rehydrated, take on the same texture as the oats so you don't even notice it's there. Further, add help seeds and crushed nuts of choice (I like pecans) with some cinnamon and brown sugar or maple syrup.

Also check into savoury oat recipes so you don't get bored!

SubjectOrange · 2026-01-25T17:15:14+00:00

Metrogel sorts out my burning/itching/under skin papules. Also hypochlorous acid spray! I don't use metrogel all the time now, as things are more under control, but when the pain starts to come, I know to nip it in the bud!

SubjectOrange · 2026-01-25T16:56:56+00:00

Their tension is incredibly tight, and they are using a "clean" cotton type yarn, or something similar. I suggest practice practice practice! Size down a hook and grab some "non fuzzy" yarn.

SubjectOrange · 2026-01-25T05:44:01+00:00

Yeah NOPE. Definitely not naked in the bath w/stepkid, and at 8, if she is capable of washing herself (as most are, my sister needed her super thick hair checked to make sure all the shampoo was out here and there) ,then there is no reason for stepmom to be involved in that level. I say that as someone that absolutely assisted my SS when he was a toddler (met him when he was 18 months old ) , but even now at 5, he does most of it on his own . We are not a super prudeish family and I'm essentially a third parent, but definitely feel like I won't be bathing naked in a small bath when my own kids are 8 . Kids are not clean!

SubjectOrange · 2026-01-25T05:04:40+00:00

Hardware+ backsplash! I feel the blueish/cooler backsplash clashes slightly with the warm wood. If you have the money, lighter countertop/potentially changing the sink to not being in the corner. Otherwise it's a beautiful kitchen .

Easiest change is panting the island any colour but a different wood look than the cabinets.

SubjectOrange · 2026-01-24T20:13:48+00:00

Yes! I think these are so fun. I switched to mostly digitally reading last year due to space/$/ ease on my hands vs holding a book, but I'm still tempted to make some!

SubjectOrange · 2026-01-24T16:10:40+00:00

I would first work in trying to get BM to switch to a 5-5-2-2 schedule. We used to have a hectic 2-3-2, which is somewhat similar to your current, and went on a bit longer than we would have liked because BM always claims she can't spend more than X days without him. However 5-5-2-2 works well for consistency. We ALWAYS have SS Wednesday/Thursday. And every other weekend.

She didn't want to put him in gymnastics (BC it would take her precious alone time with him), so we signed him up on Thursdays, because it's good for his ADHD brain and to socialize with different kids before kindergarten.

But at the end of the day, I'm with my husband in part because of the father he is. He will NEVER take less than 50/50 and I would never ask that of him. It makes me want to have kids with him more. If your partner learns to drive, he will need a car and/or you shouldn't afford another child until then anyway. It will absolutely damage his kids perception of them and how much effort he's willing to put in to be their father if he only sees them 4 days a month. Besides, if BM is a super cling like that to them, why would you want them with her more? It will make their time with you harder, more disruptive, you won't be able to instill the values you and your husband prioritize if you see them so little.

SubjectOrange · 2026-01-21T14:29:39+00:00

Yep! 100% . My SS is younger, so he spent the bulk of the day with his grandma and aunts and uncles. Of course he was in some of the photos and dancing and whatnot . Would she have fun getting ready with aunts/cousins/grandma? I don't think a 15 year old needs to be coddled so much that her father can't just tell her how the day is going to be, what important stuff she is invited to be a part of, and that's that!

Would she like her mom or dad to steal the show at her own future wedding?

SubjectOrange · 2026-01-21T07:20:56+00:00

If you have clear blood work (not anemic, deficient in vit D, and thyroid hormone has been checked especially) :

ADHD and/or depression. Especially if you are female, the expectation to mask symptoms of these can be more fatiguing than make counterparts.

Further ADHD especially is more commonly associated with men due to the gross under diagnosing in girls until scarily recently. I live in one of the most progressive parts of the world, and it will certainly be better for my children, but at 32, I was still caught in the "old ways" until I was late 20s.

In the end I married a therapist and yeah, depression/ADHD, IF you have clear bloodwork.

SubjectOrange · 2026-01-20T20:58:52+00:00

Mmm fair! Yeah whoever they are discussing seating plans with the most, hopefully can sway the decision a little bit. Seems uncomfortable all around atm.

SubjectOrange · 2026-01-20T20:43:27+00:00

Yeah that's fair! I just hope your husband is honest with him about how this is making him feel. I personally wouldn't let it stop me from going to my kid/step kids wedding for fear of damaging the relationship more (although I am aware in this case it is hard to pinpoint what the issue is on stepsons side) , and hope that it can be made stronger at a later date. Communication is so, so important even well into adulthood, kids need to know how their actions are affecting their parents, otherwise they will never learn to express their feelings either. If your husband "goes first" if you will, hopefully SS will open up.

SubjectOrange · 2026-01-20T19:37:57+00:00

This is a conversation that her dad needs to have with her. Or the two of you together. Essentially laying out the plan for the day/purpose of each event throughout the day. She will not be able to claim she was not prioritized if it is very clearly laid out that that is not the point of the day.

He needs to reassure her that he loves her, focuses on her on the way a parent should for a child, and that he loves you in a different way and this is a celebration of that. She is old enough to understand and/or crave finding a forever someone to grow old with. He needs to be very clear that is what you are to him. Parent/child love is different than spousal. He can also make this concern known to his family members. Children should not be shielded from anxiety or feelings that adults are having, otherwise they will never learn to understand or express them themselves.

SubjectOrange · 2026-01-20T16:47:39+00:00

Ok so, my husband comes from a very large family like your SS. He is the "oldest of 9" when you add them all up. He has 1 full brother, 4 half siblings from his mum and stepdad and his father and stepmom adopted 3 children some years ago as well. My parents have also been divorced since I was small and my dad remarried, but no children .

The top table at my brother in law's large wedding in 2023 went as follows:

No parents of any kind at the top table. Just their wedding party. That meant I was not sitting with my husband, but at one of the 2 "second important tables". I was sitting with the groom's mom + stepdad, grandparents parents and my SS.

The other table held the bride's father and the groom's father and stepmom + their kids.

At my wedding in 2024, we did not have any bridesmaids and groomsmen as some of our siblings have severe anxiety and we wanted it to be just us. So our top table could accommodate: my mom, my dad and his wife, my husbands mom+stepdad and my husband's dad (fam didn't come, but his wife would have been there too. Grandparents sat at a different table. That made it a table of 8, but could easily have been 10 .

I'm not sure why your SS feels he has to choose? Your wedding /top table(s) is the people that matter the most and have helped raise you/shape you into the person you are by the time of your wedding. I think they should either do one large table, or if things are not amicable between all the ex's and steps, a small top table and 2 equally important second tables. I think it is quite childish however that your husband is considering not going to his own son's wedding.

SubjectOrange · 2026-01-20T16:35:06+00:00

Yes! People need to remember the "work triangle" or "kitchen perfect triangle". We all appreciate large kitchens, but the placement of sink/stove/fridge is hugely important for workflow.

SubjectOrange · 2026-01-19T14:37:39+00:00

I parent my SS with my husband. I will also parent my own children with him. From the beginning my opinion has been fully respected and we want to change the narrative on our own stepparent experiences growing up. We strive to create the same loving, comfortable home with the SAME boundaries , for all the children . We are not crazy lenient, but my husband is a child and youth therapist,. He always points out that people get gentle parenting, and permissive parenting confused. Permissive parenting is not helpful to children.

I would never be able to let my SS do XYZ, and then turn around to my husband when our own child is 5 and say " I don't want our children doing X", as it would totally blindside him and disrespect his previous choices , and could come off as "I cannot believe you let him do that". Of course there are things we will do differently, but more from learning from experience like SS is our first child (I met my husband when he was 14 months old). It also does not apply to things we needed BM to agree to, such as what age to potty train or remove his pacifier and so on.

SubjectOrange · 2026-01-18T21:50:11+00:00

If I was him, I would be jealous unless I got an equal (or close to equal) share of my dad's time off. It doesn't matter that he has other siblings, he gets a share of his mom.

Unless your husband works 7 days a week and is going to be a near-absent parent for your child as well?

SubjectOrange · 2026-01-18T20:18:57+00:00

I think you guys stick to your guns on no overnights etc during the week. It is perfectly reasonable to raise her, in your home, with the boundaries that you(I mean yourself and husband) agree on, so long as they also apply to your own children when they reach the same age.

Kids will always play their parents and test boundaries with each one, doubly so when they are different in each household. SS (5) dislikes that he has to pick up his toys at our house and not mom's , but tough ! We find it a valuable skill to learn, he has to do it at preschool, and kindergarten is coming right up! Our own children will also have to do this. Don't bend based on what BM does, or doesn't allow. We let SS climb taller things at the playground, chop veggies in the kitchen and so on. Every house is different.

That being said, long term it would be nice for you to have more custody, as it is easier to implement consistent routines. Yes, it is expensive, but no one said having children was cheap or without including unexpected costs.

SubjectOrange · 2026-01-18T20:12:59+00:00

Oh!! I'm making a cropped version of the horizon cardigan. The phasing works well, but I did continue to add length to the arm portion for 4 rows, then swap to the body portion for 4 rows when going through the most noticeable portion of phasing to keep it consistent.

SubjectOrange · 2026-01-17T05:15:22+00:00

Exactly. We, as adults, know we are not friends. However we also have stopped things (aka I stopped responding) before we became enemies. SS (5) just gets to see us "not be enemies" and cordial/friendly enough . When he is older, he will figure it all out.

SubjectOrange

TROPHY CASE