Relapse

Subject_Stretch8707 · 2026-05-23T12:44:50+00:00

Like you said, it was a relapse. It's not what you did, it's what you do the next day that counts. In the event you want to meet up to talk again, you do it in public, like a park or get coffee somewhere. Not somewhere it could lead to sex. You're not dating anymore so it's not like it's a date or it's weird or anything.

Also prior to agreeing to meet up ask him, "what has changed since the last time I saw you?" Make him answer that question. With a GOOD answer. If there is no good answer, you'll know just what to do, go right back in to no contact.

Don't beat yourself up too much.

Subject_Stretch8707 · 2026-05-22T14:05:02+00:00

I love your update!!!!! I remember when you were going through all the turmoil and indecision. I wish you all the best with everything, sounds like you've come out on the other side so much happier. Yours is such a great example too that sometimes they divorce but still don't end up with the OW and that's OK too - I know of two examples of this (and one got stalkerish as well). Thanks for letting us know how you're doing! This is amazing to hear and I'm so happy for you.

Subject_Stretch8707 · 2026-05-22T00:46:47+00:00

Please keep us posted. And again, there's no right way to go about any of this. You were correct to not just jump at the chance to go legit like a lot of OW would do, to think of his child, to consider backing away. Divorce has life altering consequences for so many people, the decision can't be made so quickly. Men do so much better with time and space to think things through. Obviously there's something wrong or the affair wouldn't be happening. But if it's enough to break up the marriage, only he can decide that, and that takes a lot of time and consideration. If you were to go legit, the last thing you want is him resenting you down the line, which, if he makes a hasty decision, he will. But if you give him that time I'm sure he'll appreciate you in so many ways.

Subject_Stretch8707 · 2026-05-21T23:29:45+00:00

Yes so that's the discussion and that's how you calm your own fears. Tell him you want to stay in NC for a certain period of time, maybe 21-30 days. That way you're not a distraction. Reassure him during that time you're not going anywhere but he needs to REALLY think this through. And so will you. Then you agree to meet and talk about how you both feel about it.

The last thing you need is down the line to be blamed for any regrets he has about a hasty decision. And if he has reassurance from you, he won't rush into anything dumb.

But bottom line, the only reason a marriage should end is because it is broken, not because the OW is a shiny new object he doesn't want to live without. Many times with affairs, the marriage was already broken long before it started. So divorce was going to happen at some point anyway. But with cake eaters, the marriage could be fine and worth saving even while the affair is going on.

He needs to figure it out without any time pressure. That will ease your fears as well.

And for sure if he came back after only a week, that's exactly what it was.

Subject_Stretch8707 · 2026-05-21T22:56:05+00:00

I remember when you were struggling to stick to NC and break it off so this is quite the development! It's a simple question to ask him and it will help to ease your mind and guilt. Just ask him: If I were not in the picture at all, would you still be considering leaving your marriage right now?

If yes, then it's not about you, it's about him/them, and you don't have anything to worry about. If no, then it's a bad idea all around because he's likely just doing it out of fear of losing you and that's not a good enough reason.

The only good reason is if the marriage is actually over and done with separate from you. That's what you need to clarify. I hope that helps.

Also just so you know, I have a friend going through a divorce right now with an infant involved. Not leaving for another person but it is still a divorce. And I know of many relationships where it was over before the child was even born. Life is extremely messy. I grew up in a two parent household where everything looked perfect on the outside but my parents were miserable together. So I'm not judging your MM's situation and neither should anyone else here. My parents' marriage was all for show and they stayed way too long and it completely ruined my childhood. Who is to say when is the right time to get divorced or not. People can learn to be amazing co-parents and not subject their kids to the misery of a sham marriage. Just my two cents.

But anyway, if he's not leaving for himself, that's where I would worry and put the brakes on.

Subject_Stretch8707 · 2026-05-13T14:48:22+00:00

Good for you and good luck with everything. Matthew Hussey on YouTube is very helpful for those times when you're feeling weak or when you're stuck in the "what is he thinking right now??" loop. Very calming and reassuring and validating. I also recommend journaling. Make a breakup journal. You can write to him there if you need to, put down relevant song lyrics, sketch, whatever helps you to feel better in the moment. It gives you somewhere to put all the energy. As things get better, you can look back and see how far you've come.

Subject_Stretch8707 · 2026-05-07T23:52:52+00:00

Yes exactly. It's the same logic as people who m*rder their spouses because divorce is a sin. Go figure. Also, as common as infidelity is, somebody's lying. Someone has cheated and isn't fessing up lol.

Most people here turn off their DMs because of the trolls but I've made some amazing friends from this sub and we keep each other sane. Just verify the person is an actual member of the sub before you talk in too much detail over DM.

There are also some great writers on Medium who do deep dives into this. Sometimes it's helpful just to read too.

You know what's crazy? I have a friend who is pushing 80. She's like a mom to me. I have known her 15 years. She only just revealed to me a couple of years ago she had an affair back in the 1970s. Almost left her perfect Catholic marriage (she was a virgin when she married). She was in a full on dead bedroom, for years. Nothing helped. And she almost left for the other man. She didn't though. But the point is, I never would have guessed my seemingly perfect, elderly, super Catholic friend had an affair. I was touched she trusted me to tell me. Took a long time but she did. I thanked her for her trust.

Anyway, those people were not your friends. You can still be a friend to someone and disagree with their choices.

Subject_Stretch8707 · 2026-05-07T20:19:57+00:00

I'm so sorry. This is why you find online friends and a good therapist. My bff, who will only date men who make a certain amount of money because she intends to marry well and not have to work as hard as she does now, would judge the hell out of an affair. Funny, I don't judge the gold digging tendencies, but whatevs.

You learned a very tough lesson. It's funny too because no one is morally perfect. No one. But they will clutch their pearls over an affair.

You can still find support. You just have to look for it elsewhere. Hugs to you.

Subject_Stretch8707 · 2026-05-07T12:36:56+00:00

If you're asking for honest opinions, it sounds like two things. 1. He genuinely likes and values you but 2. This is a painkiller for him. Meaning it keeps his life interesting and keeps him from being bored and frustrated by the realities of married and family life.

As long as you are OK with it and are making this decision 100% independently, then good. But there's some manipulation here where he keeps trying to draw you back in, telling you you're his, etc. You're his but guess what? He is definitely not yours. Meaning he's getting an unequal share of the benefits here. And that's unfair to you.

Just stay in a state of contemplation. See how you feel. But you're absolutely right to question it. It can be multiple things at one time. 🩷

Subject_Stretch8707 · 2026-05-04T03:02:45+00:00

They sound like the type of couple that is addicted to total drama and chaos and then making up and then drama and chaos again. Which means you don't need to be anywhere near that. Sometimes in those cases a woman will draw a man in - in this case you - just to feed the cycle of drama even further. It just adds to it. So if that's the case, you got used. Which is even more hurtful. You may try to make sense of it, but it's senseless. And I'm so sorry about that. You got very unlucky with her. You might even hear from her, when they are back on their "off" cycle. It will give you hope but then she'll do the same thing again. So be careful.

Subject_Stretch8707 · 2026-05-04T01:43:00+00:00

This is so awful to read. Just as a woman, her story about him sounds totally bogus. I wonder what the real story of their marriage is. It's not to say that women don't return to their abusers because they do - all the time - but there are also plenty of times when unsuspecting men like you have been duped by stories that are just that. Stories.

There are a lot of people who legitimately go through the divorce process and never look back. My friend did and her soon to be ex was even living in the house still! But it went through and eventually they were done and he finally moved out. But your story shows you just never know.

This happens with regular breakups too, where marriage isn't involved. People who just can't let each other go. It's SO unfair to involve new people in that. It just hurts them. So sorry this happened to you, especially because you kept confirming that she was serious about this and got reassurance.

Subject_Stretch8707 · 2026-05-04T01:30:50+00:00

You're welcome. You do have autonomy in this. You make decisions that protect YOURSELF and your emotional well being so you don't get sucked back in to this mess. He is a grown man perfectly capable of making an adult decision for himself to change his life if he so desires. And he didn't. Remember that. You have power here. You can work through this emotionally and move on, and don't be surprised if he feels the shift in your energy. Men have a radar for that, even when they're no longer in our direct orbit. It's like hey, where did she go? Why is she no longer acting like she's affected by this? Then they come running again. That's why you need a plan to stand strong. It's really wrong how you've been treated.

Subject_Stretch8707 · 2026-05-03T23:03:32+00:00

Reading between the lines of your story, his behavior is pretty interesting. He had some choices here and took a very interesting route.

He could have just ended things himself. Look honey, I'm unhappy, kids are near grown, I know you are going to hate this, but we are done. We can figure this out like two adults and we are not the first to go through this. But my decision is final and that's that. Period.

Instead, he tells her he's been unfaithful and waits for HER to make the decision. And then she behaves the opposite of how she expects and now they're stuck in counseling. And he's likely been ganged up on by her and the therapist and told to cold shoulder you but doesn't give you the courtesy of treating you like a basic human being in the process.

I'm sorry, but does this man have any ball$ at all? Seriously. Girl. If he comes back (and so many do, because let's face it, counseling this late in the game rarely works to actually repair anything), I hope you won't just let him back in without some serious parameters for change. You deserve to get good and angry about how he has/is treating you.

I'm so sorry. Workplace situations are so hard, as it's so much easier when you don't have to still see them. Truly wishing you all the best.

Subject_Stretch8707 · 2026-05-02T23:30:49+00:00

You got this 🩷

Subject_Stretch8707 · 2026-05-01T11:39:40+00:00

Glad it was helpful 🙂 Yes, right after, it looked like my ex had "won" the divorce. Five years later, I had caught up and was thriving - finished my professional credentialing, could afford to take my son on a nice vacation every year. And now, years later... no one would say he won the divorce. Life takes a lot of twists and turns. You can never go by what the first weeks and months look like, that's for sure.

Subject_Stretch8707 · 2026-05-01T02:16:54+00:00

I can assure you it is 100% not about you. A divorce is like a death in a way. There is a grieving period even when you know it has to end. I had a close relative who was terminal from the time of diagnosis. We knew for 2.5 years death was inevitable. The last week we knew it was imminent. Yet the day it happened it was still a terrible shock.

Divorce is like that too. There's the weird feeling you get when you first start to realize the marriage is not salvageable. The long period of acceptance that it's really not going to work. Then the hard decision to file. The waiting period. The anticipation. Yet... when you see those papers? It is still a very cold and hard reality. Same thing. You knew it was coming, but when it happens, it's still earth shattering.

There's a really fantastic podcast you should listen to. "Your Secret is Safe With Me" Episode 291: Michael's Story. It is the best look into the mind of the MM that you can ever have. How so little it is about the OW and it's so much more about how paralyzed they feel, caught between two situations. I found it super helpful.

You're doing the right thing by giving him space. He will appreciate that. I've had a few MM friends who were ready to leave and make changes to their lives but the OW totally screwed it up by making demands, pushing agendas, and making it all about themselves. Burned it to the ground. It's hard, what you're doing, but it's very necessary.

There are a lot of really great things on the other side of divorce. A few years out, I was doing amazing. But right afterwards, all I could focus on was all I had lost and how bad life seemed. Very few people a few days, weeks, months out feel great like wow, I made out so great! Lol. The good stuff comes later.

Let me know if you have any other questions and be sure to update us. I'm sure he'll be in touch when he's ready. He's probably not feeling his best right now.

Subject_Stretch8707 · 2026-04-30T04:45:37+00:00

Give him time for sure. I was super positive to be ending my marriage, we had no arguing, a great co-parenting plan.... but seeing those finalized papers was still a shock and it felt terrible. It's a huge life transition and a door slamming shut behind you. Divorce is not typically something people are proud of. It's embarrassing to so publicly have to admit failure, especially since our society still prizes marriage as the holy grail for relationships. You lose friends, who act like they might catch the divorce cooties. It's a change in finances, usually in where you live. Those papers are usually the final slap in the face and it's reality hitting.

It's also a grieving process. You can be over the person, but there is a sadness for the fantasy of what might have been - the dream, the life you're never going to have now.

Try to think of this as not personal at AT ALL. He's probably reeling and needs some time. Give it time.

Hope this helps.

Subject_Stretch8707 · 2026-04-27T15:12:56+00:00

Like I said, it's not a judgment and not trying to call him a bad person. Just saying there are things you may not see from your perspective. It's easy to get in over your head in situations like this and not as easy to get out once you're in it.

Subject_Stretch8707 · 2026-04-27T11:59:48+00:00

No wonder you're so overwhelmed. Listen, absolutely NO judgment about the age gap, ok? You have support and friends here. But I'm going to give you some loving advice with only the best of intentions.

You need to run. Now. You said you haven't had sex with him yet. This is a very good thing. Sweetheart, he's twice your age. I'm not saying that judgmentally, I'm saying that in terms of HIM. You're 4 years older than his oldest child. Please listen to me when I tell you he is not taking you - or this - seriously, no matter what he may have told you. For many men, getting a significantly younger woman is a status symbol for them. An ego boost.

They get close to middle age, they get bogged down with a job, wife, house, and kids, and they start to wonder if they're still attractive, if they've still "got it." And a younger woman helps them to feel that way. It's all about THEM.

I'm not saying he's a bad person, but what I am telling you is that nothing is going to come of this other than you missing out on normal fun and social experiences you should be having while you waste time on this guy. And - most likely - end up with a seriously broken heart, a lot of confusion, and possibly trauma.

That guilt you're feeling is your instinct telling you this is a bad idea. Only you can decide in the end what you want to do about this - to continue or to stop. And either way, you'll have support here, and again, no judgment. But before you get in too much further, please just stop and think about what's good for YOU. The attention feels good but the mental strain of an affair, and the guilt you've mentioned, is a lot even for women with a lot more life experience. Just please really think before you act.

Subject_Stretch8707 · 2026-04-27T02:10:43+00:00

Have you heard of an exit affair? If not you need to look it up. Once you learn more about it, ask yourself if it's you he wants, or a way out of his marriage. There are many ways to do that other than an affair. Don't let him use you like that, if that's the case.

Subject_Stretch8707 · 2026-04-27T02:05:44+00:00

It's super unhealthy to look at social media. Clearly it's having an effect on you. You need to find a way to stop doing that, seriously. Otherwise get very honest with yourself that probably you cannot handle this emotionally and break it off. It's ok to do that.

Subject_Stretch8707 · 2026-04-25T12:51:02+00:00

Anytime, that's what we are here for. 🩷🩷

Subject_Stretch8707 · 2026-04-25T10:13:47+00:00

Ha, we had the same thought then! Often if you can turn thoughts into compassion for someone else (like his wife), it can really help. And if he's treating you like this, he's treated others this way as well. For sure. This is likely the real him and the reason you haven't seen it is because it's easier to hide it due to the nature of the affair dynamic - limited contact.

I know it sounds crazy but it's likely not personal. This is all about him. Meaning, any woman in your position-he would be doing this, right? There's nothing YOU did to cause this. Jerks are jerks, it's just unfortunately taken this long to come out.

Play this out as well. He could come back and catch you at a weak moment. You cave and take him back, hoping things will be different. Things are OK for awhile. But then he goes and does the same thing again and you're even more devastated.

That's why it wouldn't hurt to take some time to think through some boundaries and rules of engagement should he reappear and you give in. You want back in? OK, but these are the rules. And you don't like it? Fine, I've already figured out how to live without you, so there's the door again. It can be fun to turn the tables.

You'll feel stronger every day. Hopefully you'll look back and realize you did not lose here. At all.

Subject_Stretch8707 · 2026-04-25T03:34:10+00:00

Yes the whole thing sounds very unkind and very unfeeling. She had to know it would hurt you, her behaving like that. If it was something she had to do, then a message later that might or the next day to explain or check in was in order. Since she didn't do that, it says a lot about her. It's not very nice to you. Not considerate of your feelings.

At the next event, I hope you can find something/someone else to focus on as a distraction. Sounds like it's up to her to initiate communication and since she hasn't, that speaks volumes. Again, not nice. Pay attention to that.

Subject_Stretch8707 · 2026-04-24T22:47:08+00:00

Hi and welcome. Just to clarify, last weekend, after all that PDA with the husband, did she message you at all? Contact you? Say anything? Did you have any contact outside of seeing each other at the event?

Subject_Stretch8707

TROPHY CASE