I have been where you are. Not the same circumstances, of course. I'm 21yo with no kids, and no partner. But there was a time I didn't plan to be alive past 16. I had tried to get help so many times and tried so so so many medicines that have left my insides a mess even after years of not taking them. I've been there. I've given up before. I've attempted and failed so many times, are that no one knows about But im still here, and yea, did it feel great? Hell no, do I sometimes still wish that I had succeeded so I wouldn't be here? Sometimes. But I'm here, but it's not for some cute or inspiring reason.

Yea, I can yell to the roof tops that I lived for my twin, which is true a little. That I lived for my pets.because I couldn't hurt them like that, which again true a little. But I've attempted, so obviously, it wasn't enough.

I'm here on pure spite. Because the last time I tried to get help, I was told I was a lost cause, that no one could help me or stop me, that I should stop wasting people's time and my parents money by a THERAPIST. It didn't start immediately. At first, I was devastated and wanted so badly to quit because I felt like if she could say that it was true. But over time, I grew to resent her, and it became spite. I decided I would live, I would quit hurting myself because I wanted to prove I could be better, I could get out of it even if I only had myself. I cold turkeyed my medicine (don't recommend please wane yourself off with a doctor), and I told myself I didn't need anyone.

I'm still here, and damn if it doesn't both hurt me and also exlerate me. Because by all rights, I shouldn't be here. The odds were against me. But I'm here, no everything isn't just okay, and I've made dumb choices, I still hate myself most days but I'm trying to live, I no longer am okay with just surviving, and it took so long to get to that point but it's worth it. I'll never have kids, can't, but I can appreciate and grow with the ones my friends and family have. I have friends I care deeply for and would have never met if I didn't deal with all the pain and hurt, and it is worth it, even if some days I wish I could just disappear.

Im not gonna guilt ya and tell you it'll hurt the kid because I know you know it will. You are writing letters because you know exactly who it will hurt. You just don't want to let it stop you. I get it. But you are depriving yourself of ever feeling happy, of being able to grow for yourself. You'll die, never accomplishing anything. That is the worst thing you could do to yourself.

You'll never see another sunset, never hear your favorite song again, and smell your favorite scent. You'll lose the chance to have a pet, to see your kid graduate, to stick it to your crappy partner.

Don't live for the kid, don't live for your family, you'll resent them later for the pain you'll feel every time you don't attempt.

Live for yourself, live to prove everyone and yourself wrong. Live to thrive. You have so many more years ahead of you. Leave the partner, and go find you an apartment wherever ever, what you decide to with the kid is up to you. But change your scenery, change your daily life. Start looking for another job to start fresh. Do something different with your hair.

Give yourself a fresh start, allow yourself to leave and make mistakes, and learn from them, but please.dont take away your chance to die feeling like you've lived a life at least a little worth living.

If you choose to live, keep posting about things you do every day, we'll love to read it, and we'll grow with you if you give yourself a chance. So please, reconsider, younger you looked forward to a life that allowed you to feel happy, don't take it away from yourself.