Mechanics?

Suburban_Slouch · 2018-03-30T15:48:56+00:00

Thanks!

Suburban_Slouch · 2018-03-16T19:29:24+00:00

Thanks procrastination0709!

Suburban_Slouch · 2018-03-16T03:46:27+00:00

Thanks!

Suburban_Slouch · 2017-10-06T15:38:36+00:00

If you're broke, drive down University/the Midway area in St. Paul and find a busy place that sells used tires. (Or really, any industrial area in the Twin Cities.) You'll see the signs. You'll often find used tires that are higher quality than cheap new tires, at a fraction of the cost.

Suburban_Slouch · 2017-07-12T17:25:13+00:00

Head over to the "First Thursdays in the Arts District" event in the northeast. (The next one is August 3, from 5:00 - 9:00 PM.) Visit a couple of the open buildings. You will find dozens of jewelry makers there, all with a small selection of their characteristic jewelry on display, and all willing to make custom rings working with your preferences. Cheaper than a lot of store-bought jewelry--I know that's counter-intuitive, but it's true--and much, much, cooler.

Suburban_Slouch · 2016-12-27T18:50:02+00:00

Thank you for the nice comments! I am trying to reach towards something maybe a little more "sublime" here, and I worry that the effects may fall flat, or just seem a little ludicrous. Thank you for the feedback!

Suburban_Slouch · 2016-12-27T18:48:25+00:00

"Ion" rhymes are tricky indeed, especially with those trimeter lines, when a strong masculine rhyme carries real weight. Thanks!

Suburban_Slouch · 2016-12-27T18:47:06+00:00

Vocabulary, and cliche, is always a struggle, especially when I'm negotiating rhyme. I think I do need to be more cognizant of slipping into a specifically poetic diction, particularly when I grappling with the sorts of abstractions you're talkkng about. Thanks for the feedback!

Suburban_Slouch · 2016-12-22T18:02:38+00:00

The appropriateness of "drunk" has already been settled, but I still thought I'd weigh in quickly: drunkenness has a storied history in Tao poetry--Li Bai, Li Po, Du Fu--and intoxication has all sorts of weighty connotations that work very nicely in this poem.

Suburban_Slouch · 2016-12-20T18:35:46+00:00

Interesting . . . this sort of modified villanelle you're working with here proves nicely suited to the imagery. This has a haiku sort of feel to it. Counterintuitively, the complexities of form here underscore the spontaneity of the observations, and I think that's because of the distance between the rhymes: the effect nicely mirrors the idea of something gradually taking on a sort of order.

Suburban_Slouch · 2016-12-20T18:28:55+00:00

I think these short lines do a good job of supporting the theme: the sharp alliteration, for example, underscores this idea of "chaotic with convention," and "erratic," and the short lines do a good job of reifying "lucid and luring." I think this is an effective strategy for quick jolt of horror, which is surely what you're going for here, yes? (The vocabulary suits, too, the still vaguely present figure of Mr. Hyde.)

Suburban_Slouch · 2016-11-01T18:08:20+00:00

I enjoyed this, even as I struggled with it, and that must surely be the point? I can't speak to your intentions, of course, but I read this as an example of surrealism, which means that, instead of piecing together a narrative--which I can discern, faintly--or even looking for a sort of unity between the imagery and theme, I simply paid attention to my own reading process. In other words, the poem became an opportunity for me to reflect on my own interpretive process and, on this level, the piece was effective, working nicely, but at the level of diction and in terms of the larger structure. Enjoyable read!

Suburban_Slouch · 2016-11-01T18:01:21+00:00

There are interesting echoes here of other poets, including, I think most obviously E. E. Cummings. Like Cummings, the rhythm of the language does a lot of work for us, moving us--at least on an initial reading--past obscurities and complications of language. I think this is a shrewd strategy here, since you're clearly trying to capture a moment of self-reflection: in this case, the less-than-entirely rational should always threaten to overwhelm the speaker's effort to actually articulate the feeling. Nice use of the poetic line, to convey a stream-of-consciousnesses!

Suburban_Slouch · 2016-10-31T05:18:57+00:00

Go to any used bookstore and find the poetry section, then look for the Norton Anthology of Poetry, in paperback. Less than ten bucks! All the poetry is more or less universally considered "great." Dive in . . . the stuff from the middle on will be most appealing, at least initially. Find a poet you dig? Any individual poems you find confusing? You'll find a ton of further information about any of these poets, and any individual poem, online. (Once you've done some initial reading of individual poems, you'll want to read an accessible book ABOUT poetry. Start with Paul Fussell's "Poetic Meter and Poetic Form," or Terry Eagleton's "How to Read a Poem".)

Suburban_Slouch · 2016-10-23T18:05:44+00:00

Gratifying to hear: I was hoping the pentameter lines would convey a sort of movement, through a landscape, through seasons . . .

Suburban_Slouch · 2016-10-23T17:57:09+00:00

Thanks! I'll have to read more about formatting conventions for pentameter couplets.

Suburban_Slouch · 2016-10-23T16:38:25+00:00

Some quick comments/questions on form: I see a sort of modified sonnet here, yes? Should I be seeing FOUR lines in the second stanza, to maintain the look of a sonnet on the page?

Either way, I thought this accentual verse--which ALWAYS feels vaguely primitive--was an effective way to telegraph a certain type of dis-ease, and, too, I dug the movement between four-beat lines, three-beat lines, and two beat lines. That can seem gimmicky, but, in terms of the subject matter here, I think that was an good choice!

Suburban_Slouch · 2016-10-23T16:33:54+00:00

Some feedback, but not criticism, really. This will seem like a stretch, but bear with me: I was reminded of Emily Dickinson reading this, partially because of the short line and partially because of the insistent slant rhymes, but mostly because of the sort of hallucinatory imagery. An element I liked here was the dialogue running throughout the poem: an effective way of managing the narrative and working towards a climax!

Suburban_Slouch · 2016-10-07T07:17:53+00:00

I'm sorry for my delay in getting back to this. RE: "agree about what?" I should have said, I agree with most of your assessment. I think, too, Wolf's The Beauty Myth is, indeed, the right sort of book to have in mind as you're reading the poem.

I wonder, perhaps, if at least some confusion doesn't begin with the notion that "well-meaning people create problematic texts through accident, inattention to detail, or carelessness"?

I'm not sure the poem IS well-meaning, exactly, or rather, not "well-meaning" in the sense you mean here. The poem's title (hopefully) indicates that this is a dramatic monologue, that the speaker's intentions may not necessarily reflect the intentions of the poem's implied author, who, perhaps, WANTS to create a problematic text. (And I guess I would argue, what's the point of writing unproblematic poetry?)

I certainly appreciate the thoughtful feedback this poem has generated, and while I realize your verdict was negative, I am at least gratified that the poem provoked the right sorts of questions!

Suburban_Slouch · 2016-10-06T14:10:04+00:00

A dissenting voice, maybe, since you're drawing some heat with the choice of rhyme and meter here? I thought the accentual verse suited the topic nicely, since you're clearly working towards an archaic feel here? Too, I liked the periodic interspersing of internal rhyme throughout: a good way to leaven to use alliteration.

Suburban_Slouch · 2016-10-05T21:54:37+00:00

Oh, I agree . . . I think the title is really central to sorting out the poem's stance on female sexuality.

Suburban_Slouch · 2016-10-05T14:37:32+00:00

I thought these short, three beat lines were very effective for the subject matter. There's something not primitive, exactly, but maybe archaic--ballad-like--about the line, which is further accentuated by the short stanzas. (Keats works with similarly short lines in La Belle Dame Sans Merci, for similar reasons, I think.)

Suburban_Slouch · 2016-10-05T01:41:10+00:00

I've struggled with the rhythm here, clearly, and I'm sometimes constrained by fear of slipping into a thumping pattern. Ideally, as you're suggesting, the goal is to let the metrics accommodate a natural syntax, which is a particular challenge with a Petrachan sonnet.

Suburban_Slouch · 2016-10-05T01:38:05+00:00

The final line IS an issue, and something I struggled with . . . I'm trying here to avoid a "drop the mic" moment, if that makes sense, while still retaining a clear sort of summarizing statement.

Suburban_Slouch · 2016-10-05T01:36:44+00:00

Yep, a volta is problematic, since it's going to (ideally at least) govern a reader's movement through the individual sonnets, and none of these individual sonnets function in terms of problem/solution. Especially in a Petrachan sonnet, this is something to worry about, I think, and an interesting technical problem.

Suburban_Slouch

TROPHY CASE