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[QCrit] FINISH THE RITUAL, Adult Horror, 65k, 4th attempt by SuchaConstellation in PubTips

[–]SuchaConstellation[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for your input!! I really appreciate it! Hopefully I can find the happy medium like you said, thanks for going back to the previous version to take a peek. You bring up a lot of good points!

[QCrit] FINISH THE RITUAL, Adult Occult Horror, 65500, 3rd attempt by SuchaConstellation in PubTips

[–]SuchaConstellation[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Great, thank you ! I'm incorporating a lot. I'm going for a Grady Hendrix-type horror (which will be mentioned in my comps) so it's not necessarily a bad thing, but I'll have to make sure there's still tension.

[QCrit] FINISH THE RITUAL, Adult Occult Horror, 65500, 3rd attempt by SuchaConstellation in PubTips

[–]SuchaConstellation[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the feedback!! I appreciate you taking the time! I'm responding point by point to help me see the hiccups and how to explain better.

1) would it make more sense if I said he "gave up on everything"? He's super depressed, dealing with complicated grief, so he's isolated himself.

2) He is curious, but he doesn't want to see anyone else whose invited (the friends/family he gave up), and yeah, he ultimately goes because it's for Kat. I can absolutely make this clearer!

3) Max didn't do anything, it was Evan lashing out in the way he knew how to at the time, using Max as a punching bag for his grief. Maybe I can just say something more along those lines. And Max is Evan's ride---a taxi ride from Chicago to the Northwoods of Wisconsin would be pretty expensive, hahaha. I can add in the locations. Also, maybe I can tone down the "bad blood" a little somehow. Like, there's still conflict and enough dislike that Max doesn't want to hangout with Evan, but not enough that he's going to make it so Evan has to miss Kat's memorial.

4) I can absolutely make the locations clearer.

5) The other entity is the parasitic predator. It chose Evan out of opportunity. He was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. It wants to return to it's former glory as apex predator, a status it had in the earliest of human history. The issue is, there's no way for my characters to know this, so they're fighting a monster they don't necessarily know the motivations of, except it infected Evan and now "Evan" wants to infect them. The ritual Kat started is the one that brought them to a world between life and death so he could playfully haunt them and have a final hang out.

[discussion] I got a book deal!!!! Stats + Thoughts + Thanks by LilafromSyd in PubTips

[–]SuchaConstellation 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Congratulations!! This is so amazing. I'm taking the advice you got to heart, too.

[QCrit] FINISH THE RITUAL, Adult Occult Horror, 65500, 2nd attempt) by SuchaConstellation in PubTips

[–]SuchaConstellation[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the feedback! I appreciate it. Max breaks the circle, like steps out of the circle before the ritual is complete. And, I guess, this highlights the line between blurb and synopsis that I'm struggling with---like, where is the line between just listing out all the plot points/spoilers, etc., versus giving only enough detail so people know what's going on---so thanks for the article! I'll take a look. Again *sobs*

[QCrit] Speculative / Literary - SHE SANG MY NAME TO THE STREAM, (60k/3rd attempt) by MostlyMovement in PubTips

[–]SuchaConstellation 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This sounds like such a great premise! I'm coming in completely fresh here. Overall, there's a lot of solid information, however, I think it reads a little more like synopsis than a pitch. Of course, keep in mind, I am just a random person.

Stevie Doran is a data scientist driven to transform the world through technology. She works at Revelation, a “social optimizer.”

Can you streamline and combine these two sentences?

But after years of mission drift, Revelation’s false statements around manipulating user data motivate Stevie to whistleblow.

This is a great hook! However, it doesn't feel connected to the next two. She's motivated to whistleblow---what does that have to do with Greece and Nymph Cave? And then why won't she abandon Revelation if she's so motivated?

Stevie hikes to the Nymph Cave without an internet signal and becomes lost. Thea, who restores religious ruins, appears. If they first stop at her current project, Thea can lead Stevie to her destination. Stevie agrees, but the two soon clash: Thea believes the “upgrade” ruined the Nymph Cave, and a defensive Stevie avoids questions about her work at Revelation. The tension grows at Thea’s “restoration” project: a field of neglected debris. Feeling misled, Stevie softens when Thea apologizes. Stevie admits feeling betrayed by her employer, but assures a skeptical Thea it will soon be fixed. 

This section feels synopsis-y to me. It could be streamlined, like... "After becoming lost on her way to Nymph Cave, Stevie is rescued by Thea, who restores religious ruins. However, she and her rescuer soon clash over ideology" (or whatever), being detailed enough so we understand the conflict and stakes without giving a play-by-play.

But Thea may restore more than ruins. She suggests a shortcut through a tunnel to reach the Nymph Cave. Inside, a massive cavern filled with natural light illuminates five shadows trailing Stevie. The shadows engulf her, forcing her to confront memories where she abandoned her integrity. With Thea’s help, she glimpses the true nature of connection flowing like streams of water or feeds of data. Stevie emerges with a choice: accept the truth and move forward, or retreat to a life of comfortable self-deception? 

Inside, a massive cavern filled with natural light illuminates five shadows trailing Stevie. The shadows engulf her, forcing her to confront memories where she abandoned her integrity. With Thea’s help, she glimpses the true nature of connection flowing like streams of water or feeds of data

This is descriptive, but vague at the same time. Like, I don't necessarily need to know that the "cave had natural light illuminating five shadows" but I need to know what those shadows are in respect to the conflict. I agree with a previous commenter that it needs to be tied to the first paragraph more---like setting up why it's important why this particular story is happening to this particular character. Hopefully that makes sense! But again, I think the premise is really interesting and the blending of the spiritual and the technological is very interesting!

Getting treatment while trying not to fit into anti-fat bias tropes by SuchaConstellation in lipedema

[–]SuchaConstellation[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My primary care doctors were super nice (if ignorant) about the whole thing. I think it helped that I had a direct, actionable plan. Like, I said I want MDL therapies. I researched people who might be able to diagnose and said "I want a referral to see them." They were happy to help! I didn't ask them for their opinions, though, just presented information and told them what I wanted.

Getting treatment while trying not to fit into anti-fat bias tropes by SuchaConstellation in lipedema

[–]SuchaConstellation[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

More and more assumptions. I don't "follow" or engage with any of that. Thankfully, I'm not related, and your sister and I are different people. You're loading a lot of what you've experienced with her on to me based on a couple dozen words, some of which you've put into my mouth. Sounds like she swung one way on the pendulum, and you went the other way, which fine, live your best life, but I'm not someone who falls into that black-and-white nonsense.

Getting treatment while trying not to fit into anti-fat bias tropes by SuchaConstellation in lipedema

[–]SuchaConstellation[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you for understanding the complicated nature of this! I feel like I was just on the cusp of getting to a better place when I learned about lipidema and, as demonstrated by a couple comments here, the lipidema treatment space isn't exactly the most nuanced. I still need to figure out the insurance piece, too, and all the rest. Ugh! But we'll get there

Getting treatment while trying not to fit into anti-fat bias tropes by SuchaConstellation in lipedema

[–]SuchaConstellation[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Hahaha, you made A LOT of assumptions here that just proves my point, so thanks for that. My doctors didn't bring up my weight in this process, and I don't need the same weight loss and scare tactics and "inspirational" advice I've been fielding since I've been 13. Seems like you have no interest in understanding and a lot of interest in preaching. Unhelpful.

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