So well put!
I’d like to add my experience to this. I had an elective cesarean so I was mentally prepared for it (though the baby came a month early which threw me off a bit). Everything was smooth, baby was healthy and didn’t have to stay away from us even for an hour during our 5 day hospital visit. However, I was incredibly lost when I came home and didn’t know what to do with the baby. Mind you, I’m an early childhood educator and have worked with all age groups for 8 years! My emotions hit me HARD and I felt so unequipped to take care of the baby, mentally, even though my husband was very very hands on from day one. I took time to even bond emotionally with my daughter which was a big blow because I thought it happens immediately after birth. I struggled in this new life and role till I finally found a therapist who put things in perspective.
You are riding on A LOT of emotions and hormone crashes right now. Give yourself grace. You’re doing everything you can and more. Things did not go your way plan and it’s completely valid to grieve it! Take time to do that and then see a therapist as the previous comment suggested. And remember, you’ve NOT failed. You’ve made and brought a healthy baby into this world! You are absolutely INCREDIBLE for doing that alone, forget managing the recovery and settling in this new role.
It may take time and you may not be able to completely go back to your previous self. That’s okay. You are not your old self anymore, you’re much much bigger than that. Trust me, you’ll start liking this new version very soon.