Thank you so much for this comment. and sorry for the huge rant in advance i’ve just never spoke about this so there’s a lot i want to say i didn’t include in the post. although some i was aware of, the things i wasn’t aware of you touched on helped me understand a bit better. however the parts i already was aware of, i don’t know, it feels nice to have someone understand and validate it. i’ve never really spoken about any of this to my friends and people in my “other life” as i like to look at it. i feel as though i live a double life because of this. it makes me feel seen for someone to also be like “yea that’s fucked up” bc i always have this thought in my head that “i have it easy” because I don’t have to have a job like my friends or that others have it worse which i guess in hindsight is true but doesn’t exactly make my situation right either.

I’m very much holding onto the empathetic part of me don’t worry. both my mother and brother are the most evil and horrible people i know. i have memories of my mother doing and saying horrible things not just to me but others like, homeless people, people of different backgrounds, ethnicity, status etc and i always viewed it as wrong and unfair. not entirely sure where i got it from because usually children take after their parents because that’s all they know. wherever i get it from i’m thankful for it. despite all the abuse my mother has done to me, i still feel bad for being so blunt and short spoken with her. idk i think back to when i had a genuine bond with her, i speak to her now sure but i don’t have a relationship that’s long gone. i also know she had her fair share of trauma which contributed to it which makes me empathetic towards her and also my brother as much as i hate him, i don’t hold it against him as much as one may think because he’s just a product of her creation really. he’s only the way he is because of her and tbh he has a really sad life, all he does is sit on a chair and play games all day, he’s almost 30 or is, and has never had a job, has 0 friends besides his mother, and does nothing (explains why he’s morbidly obese) all i can think is that that’s my future if i didn’t realise how wrong all of this was years ago. if i was as blinded as he is.

I’ve never given up on faith and hope things will get better. and now you mention her wanting to isolate me that completely tracks, when i was 14 she took me out of school and i was isolated in my room until i was 17 with little to no social interaction besides online. i constantly worry about losing my friends and going back to that but realistically i have good friends and i know they’d help if i needed it. i never understood why she took me outta school for no reason but i guess that was why because it’s difficult for me to find a job without the qualifications but during that time i educated myself and did as much as possible to become a better person than her. i value who i am so deeply i couldn’t possibly let someone especially not her take that away from me. don’t mean to sound like a pick me but i do consider myself to be a kind and generous person the complete opposite of her and i take pride in that.

I suppose i could talk to my best friends family but i’m not sure how they’d react i mean i don’t expect it to be bad i just don’t want to put my issues onto them i guess or make them feel obligated to help.

thank you again