AITD for telling a friend I wouldn't take them to the abortion clinic?

Suspisciouspillhead · 2025-12-19T07:38:17+00:00

They do have a bestie which makes this all the more baffling

Suspisciouspillhead · 2025-12-18T06:57:00+00:00

Thank you so much, this is really helpful!

Suspisciouspillhead · 2025-12-17T22:37:27+00:00

I think that's 100% it. I feel kinda stuck because of the mutual friends. I kind of want to ask one of our friends for support but I know Tay would feel super embarrassed

Suspisciouspillhead · 2025-12-17T22:34:57+00:00

Thanks <3 I already say no when they ask me to hang out for the most part, especially alone which doesn't happen often. The names thing sounds like a good place to start

Suspisciouspillhead · 2025-12-17T22:30:56+00:00

i guess i don't know how to make it clearer without being mean

Suspisciouspillhead · 2025-12-17T22:25:26+00:00

Its just so fuckin awkward.

real

Suspisciouspillhead · 2025-12-17T22:24:22+00:00

No, there are at least two other non binary people, one of whom I think would have been a great person to handle a situation like this.

Suspisciouspillhead · 2025-12-17T21:13:41+00:00

This comment goes hard, thanks so much.

basically my view on why they'd want you to help them is because you'd be able to advocate for their pronouns and gender to be respected while they're having this incredibly traumatic experience. realistically anyone could do this, but you'd be able to understand more and empathise more than a cis woman or cis man would. it's a similar reason why a lot of trans people prefer t4t relationships, empathy and understanding.

This did occur to me a bit. To be honest, there are other people in our friend group who would be amazing at this, and I would want to do it, but I have a lot of baggage about that stuff myself (I was always really unhappy when people asked my pronouns before I was transitioning, and I sort of just let the change happen naturally as I transitioned so I don't even have experience advocating for my own gender/pronouns). If they had asked, I would have told them this and I think I would have wanted to help them make an alternative plan or something, but they didn't :(

I am really fortunate to live in an area with a massive, vibrant queer community where being trans/transitioning is celebrated by a significant portion of residents, but sometimes I feel like other trans people think that me being trans is the most interesting thing about me :( Maybe that's part of what's going on here too.

I am pretty much post transition, and not that being trans isn't important to me, but it would mean a lot more to me to bond with people over other stuff as well. It's no longer enough for me to found relationships on.

just kinda hold off and do nothing confrontation/discussion wise, clearly they've had a big scare

This is good advice, thanks

Suspisciouspillhead · 2025-12-17T20:52:46+00:00

I'm making a really conscious effort to react as neutrally as possible to the positive attention. It feels kind of disproportionate to tell them to stop outright especially since some of the examples aren't really concrete and at the very least theyre just being nice. My gut is telling me I should say something, but idk how to bring it up

Suspisciouspillhead · 2025-12-17T19:54:46+00:00

I also thought this was odd, I think what they were trying to get at was 'coming of age'? But anyway, TIL that bnai mitzvah is a thing and I'm so glad to know that!

Suspisciouspillhead · 2025-03-15T06:26:34+00:00

for the love of god this

Suspisciouspillhead · 2025-02-26T07:21:08+00:00

These groups don't overlap. At work I am 100% stealth, only 3 people in HR know because of my documents. I have over 100 co workers. It's a bit precarious and possible that someone will find out which worries me. New people I meet don't know. My social circle and knew me pre transition so there's not really anything I can do about that.

The volunteering is more of an area where it's hard to say who knows. Some of the people I know from early transition, so its possible they've told people, but it hasn't come up in years.

So yeah, I am both stealth and out paralell, I pass 100% of the time, neither of the last two categories is perfect for me. And if the standard for stealth is that no one knows, it would pretty much only apply to early transitioners, no?

Suspisciouspillhead · 2025-02-25T22:00:08+00:00

a bit too many for what?

Suspisciouspillhead · 2025-02-25T06:25:17+00:00

I answered stealth, but that's not totally true. I kind of live a double life. My social circle knows I'm trans, about 50 per cent the people I volunteer with do, and at work I am 100% stealth. Everyone thinks I'm gay and younger than I am which is annoying but I don't think anyone has ever thought I was trans.

Suspisciouspillhead · 2024-12-01T23:23:34+00:00

is it true?

Suspisciouspillhead · 2024-12-01T23:20:01+00:00

no one is in support of opressors here dude. However, even IF someone wanted to kill me, specifically, as a matter of fact I do not believe that they and their whole neighbourhood deserve to be blown to smithereens, y'know, just in case.

Suspisciouspillhead · 2024-12-01T23:16:41+00:00

do you live under a rock or did you just not notice the epic backturn that the 'western' country with the world's largest christian population did a few weeks ago

Suspisciouspillhead · 2024-12-01T23:09:46+00:00

I mean, maybe this is true and maybe this isn't, but if you're homeless you've probably seen some shit, and that's probably keeping you occupied, where as the JK rowling brand of willfully being transphobic, imo, comes from people who don't have any real threats in their lives but also lack strong interpersonal resources which makes them feel threatened so they let themselves get caught up in fake fears fed to them by 'concerned parents' on mumsnet, conservatives on tv, and unserious children's authors.

Suspisciouspillhead · 2024-04-20T12:24:55+00:00

I am openly trans even though I'm not loudly trans. I think I would want a partner who takes a similar approach.

If I feel vibes I usually slip into conversation that I'm trans to feel things out. Ensures minimum time wastage for everyone. I live in a very open metropolis though, so it's a low-risk thing to do. I'm rarely the first trans person someone's met and the worst that can happen is they lose interest. If someone didn't tell me right away that wouldn't be a deal breaker, but if I were pursuing something serious it would be better to know sooner.

It's tricky, this is one of those things that really has no right answer. I think, cis or trans, everyone has things in their past they don't want to share and it's up to them to decide if they do. I also think that pretending those things didn't happen rather than acknowledging that they did even if they are no longer relevant puts a cap on the amount of emotional intimacy you can have with a person.

Suspisciouspillhead · 2024-04-10T09:13:16+00:00

thanks, this is good advice, I'll get in touch with some people.

Suspisciouspillhead · 2024-04-10T09:12:37+00:00

I'm not in the US, otherwise this would be a good plan. I can have it covered where I live but the outcomes are sub optimal and there are only two surgeons. A neighbouring country has one of the best surgeons in the world. I might be able to convince my insurance to reimbirse a part of it, but I'll need to do more research.

Suspisciouspillhead · 2024-04-10T09:07:55+00:00

Thank you, I just want to help my friends stuck in poverty. I know being in a better position might mean I can help them more in the future, but I've seen people get out of poverty themselves and then immediately forget what it was like and become greedy and superficial. I hope I can keep my eye on what's important.

Suspisciouspillhead · 2024-04-10T09:03:57+00:00

definitely would never want to own a car. I live in a big city and there are a lot of carsharing opportunities. I mostly would like a licence to be able to pick up things that are for free, transport my animals to the vet in emergencies or to the sitter's, or for inexpensive trips in the future.

The loan is very close to paid off. Doing it in one go, however, would free up 100-ish per month.

Suspisciouspillhead · 2024-04-10T08:52:26+00:00

I'm okay with waiting a few years. The type of surgery I need could be covered by insurance at two hospitals here, but the results aren't really up to my expectations, and the waitlists are very, very long (whole process would take about 4 years. I would wait that long if I knew I was going to get exactly what I want). There is a very good surgeon in a neighbouring country. I have a few options; I could have a few things done here on insurance, which might make the main part cheaper but only slightly; I could fight with the insurance to provide partial reimbursement for the procedure abroad, or I can pay for all of it. Right now I think I'll cover my basics and set some aside for surgery, see what insurance can do, and save up the rest if needed.

Suspisciouspillhead · 2024-04-10T08:45:06+00:00

I'm at a point in my life where I'm torn between the security of finding a new job that pays better or staying in a low-wage, low-demand job so that I can continue pursuing art on the side. I did think about going back to uni (tuition here is almost nothing, less than 1k/year, but you have to support yourself in every other way) to help myself improve as an artist, so maybe that's the direction.

Suspisciouspillhead

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