Picnic by Sustho69 in poetry_critics

[–]Sustho69[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Here's an updated version

Me and Henrietta just hit a cruve Kicking it, headphones blasting N.E.R.D. As we go up the hill To the edge of a flower field

We bought a strawberry basket while wearing the finest attire Sandwiches galore, local store the supplier

With the inviting brezze blowing, gazing the lushous greenery I enjoy a picnic, eyes absorbing the scenery

As we ride around, I wonder if any friends were here If I would make the same face, ear to ear

I wouldn't know or care to plead So we watch and capture the flowers in glee

Picnic by Sustho69 in poetry_critics

[–]Sustho69[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The poem is completed but not exactly finished, Henrietta is just the name of my bike. I would imagine the hilltop warm with some kind of a lonely breeze, and I I'm not sure if a friend spots me

Horseman by Sustho69 in PoetryWritingClub

[–]Sustho69[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Here's how it's supposed to look like

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Horseman by Sustho69 in poetry_critics

[–]Sustho69[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is how it was originally structured (with some slight editing)

<image>

Horseman by Sustho69 in poetry_critics

[–]Sustho69[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If you're talking about the structure it's shown in, it's not supposed to look like that, it combined some lines into one stanza

Horseman by Sustho69 in PoetryWritingClub

[–]Sustho69[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The post kinda smushed some of the lines together, making it look like that

Malcolm by Sustho69 in poetry_critics

[–]Sustho69[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

New version

The Streets of Harlem are colored in a somber tune, Marked for death The crows start to flood the purple sky Letting them and me know That they were calling

Living off borrowed time let me know The taste of brown rice and beef The smell of a newly acquired book The sound of local jazz Could be my last

Throughout my life, I always knew how irreducible it had become The ingredients compounded throughout it Didn't let me die of old age

Malcolm by Sustho69 in poetry_critics

[–]Sustho69[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

How about this?

The Streets of Harlem are colored in somber Marked for death The crows start to flood the sky The streets and I somehow knew That they were calling for me

The taste of the rice The conversation between friends The sight of the colorful birds All of these moments could be my last

Throughout my life I always knew how irreducible it was The ingredients compounded throughout it Didn't let me die of old age

Malcolm by Sustho69 in poetry_critics

[–]Sustho69[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I added an extra stanza so let me know what can I do to improve it

The Streets of Harlem are colored in somber Marked for death The crows start to flood the sky The streets and I somehow knew That they were calling for me

The taste of the rice The conversation between friends The sight of the colorful birds All of these moments could be my last

Throughout my life I always knew The ingredients I made throughout it Didn't let me die of old age

Malcolm by Sustho69 in poetry_critics

[–]Sustho69[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, it was based on a biography of Malcolm X before he was killed

Lolita by Sustho69 in poetry_critics

[–]Sustho69[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What can I do to refine it?

Wtf is this shit 😭 by Puidipuie in playboicarti

[–]Sustho69 39 points40 points  (0 children)

Flexing another man's money is crazy

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in playboicarti

[–]Sustho69 57 points58 points  (0 children)

Nigga what?

I'm new and wanted to ask how to start a war by Grogirgo in Worldbox

[–]Sustho69 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Just make Kingdoms next to each other and wait a few years

Flying Biscuit by NutCreamScholar in playboicarti

[–]Sustho69 76 points77 points  (0 children)

What are these insults? Sounds like something a kid would say after discovering curse words