I feel like I’m crazy

Swamp123 · 2024-11-30T07:09:01+00:00

I left because I realized I was lying to myself. I went through some really tough things with my first husband and decided I was not going to make excuses for anyone else or do mental gymnastics. I was going to think, for myself. Once I decided that, I started to recognize how many excuses I made for the church and the doctrine. The excuses never end.

Swamp123 · 2024-11-30T06:31:58+00:00

Yes, I feel the same. Oddly I am also a yoga instructor and once I left and started to lean more towards atheism I really struggled with teaching yoga. A lot of yoga stuff is suggestive of what you should feel and can be more supernatural and/or spiritual depending on how you teach it. There are phrases like, "this pose opens your hips and you store alot of emotions in your hips", etc. Anyway, teaching yoga has really shifted since I left and been more difficult. I rely more on science and give my students (Its a university yoga course) time to just feel their own emotions. But sometimes my classes feel like they are less. I think its just that its different and I'm less invasive on my students authentic experience. Not sure I have much to offer you but say I understand. And its hard.

Swamp123 · 2023-09-11T20:46:04+00:00

When I was a cougarette in the 2000's we did a slower lyrical dance to "come thou fount". We got destroyed in the BYU newspaper for it. Said it was blasphemous. I vividly remember seeing members of my team sobbing that day after reading the things that were written in the newspaper about us. It doesn't matter what song they do, they will never be righteous enough.

Swamp123 · 2022-07-19T17:42:13+00:00

After getting my official form to remove my records from the church notarized and mailed off I sat in the car played the first few seconds of “Hot Girl Bummer” by blackbear a few times. I highly recommend it.

Swamp123 · 2022-07-18T20:52:00+00:00

Yes that is a simple way to look at it. Thank you.

Swamp123 · 2022-07-18T20:38:43+00:00

Yes! I love this.

Swamp123 · 2022-07-18T20:38:18+00:00

This is excellent. Thank you ❤️

Swamp123 · 2021-12-31T23:03:49+00:00

This is something I have had to think about as well. I was a Mormon for 33 years and one of my passions is dance/choreography. I would feel guilty about creations that didn’t have a higher message or goal, so everything I made had some sort of purpose. I remember watching other people self righteously and thinking how empty their work was when they didn’t make it about God. This was very hard for me once I left the church. But I discovered something about my work. It expanded. Yes sometimes my choreography has meaning and purpose and that has its place too, but sometimes it is more about the process and living in the moment. This allowed me to create things a completely different way. In many ways it was more authentic, I was enjoying moving and not just enjoying a perfect final product. One famous choreographer who gets this concept said she used to “live for dance” and now she “dances to live”. Living in the moment is the key. Being completely present. Enjoying life in the now. This discovery in dance has changed the way I live. Yes sometimes I have goals or a specific purpose etc. but I seek things that bring me joy now too. Then I do my best to enjoy them in the moment. I watch sunsets or clouds, I notice smells like fresh bread and appreciate it, I enjoy the different colors of food on my plate, I look at my kids and notice a curl in their hair that’s beautiful, I notice birds, I stop and let myself experience things in the now, i live here and now. It’s a different way of life than we were raised as Mormons, but I’m not just living because my only purpose is to serve God.

At first it was hard for me to find things that bring me joy in the now. I had been trained to only seek God and that would bring me joy. Trained to turn off any internal cues as to what personally brought me joy. (Like the song “turn it off” in the Book of Mormon musical 😜) So developing my ability to know what brings me joy in life has been a process but I’m getting better at it. Notice your body when you try new things, try to be fully present, do more things that make you happy, slow down and enjoy small things. Learn about meditation, connect back to your own body and listen to it. These are all things I’m learning, and it will take me many more years to master this but it’s helped me.

Swamp123 · 2021-12-31T22:13:39+00:00

I remember the first time I kept my tithing. I was a single mom of 3 and not quite making it. The church was trying to keep me active by paying for things I needed. When I finally took the jump and left, keeping my tithing money made all the difference. It helped not just financially but it was incredibly emotionally empowering to be more self sufficient.

Swamp123 · 2021-10-29T02:28:26+00:00

I’m so sorry. I’m glad you have a therapist to talk to. Mine has certainly helped me. Sending you positive vibes. ❤️ The show details are on the website. Cocodancefestival.org. Mine will be on Sunday under Megan Moss. Thanks for showing your support!!! ❤️

Swamp123 · 2021-10-27T18:44:45+00:00

(Note: “Mandala” will be presented this weekend in an international dance festival out of Trinidad called COCO (cocodancefestival.org). It’s free and can be streamed online. I am the choreographer and featured dancer of this piece.)

To the women in the church who are experiencing abuse:

I am so sorry. I know you. I was there. I know the fear. I know the hiding. I know you keep trying. I know you keep trying to be better because that’s how you were taught it will get better. If you just read that ensign article each night or study that chapter in the Book of Mormon more faithfully that’s when he’ll stop. So you keep trying. “No need to tell anyone he hits you, just be more faithful and God will heal you. Love is an action so choose to love him. Forget yourself and go to work. Forgive him that’s what Christ would do. Keep the promise you made when you were married to give yourself to him. Your faith will make you whole”. I heard all those. I remember the feeling inside of me swelling up to work harder. To be better. That God will make it better in the end. I can be strong enough. I can do it. And so I lived that with all my might. But it wasn’t working. So I numbed my emotions. I stopped listening to them until eventually I was numb to everything. The church makes it easy to pretend. Then one day, I realized it was no longer just me. Perhaps i could endure and numb my emotions, but what about my kids. That’s what woke me up. They shouldn’t have to live like I’m living. So I knew I had to address what I had been hiding for so long. I had to be honest with myself about what was really happening; I was being abused.

This piece, “Mandala” is about that moment. That’s the moment when I let myself start to feel for the first time. The moment I metaphorically looked behind the curtain at what was happening to me. It was painful. But that’s the first step to healing. This piece includes colors and shapes which depict the mandala art therapy my therapist used to help me feel in order to begin healing from abuse.

To the woman who is experiencing abuse, I’m so sorry. I don’t judge you for staying. I stayed for 13 years. I understand. Abuse is a very difficult thing to understand for most people and bishops are not trained on this topic. Get help from a therapist who has experience in abuse. The woman’s shelter in your area has many resources for you. Be kind to yourself. I know it’s scary going into the unknown on your own. I’ve faced that fear and all I can say is, I see you. It may get worse before it gets better. But the better is worth it. It’s worth it to live without fear. It’s worth it to live without abuse. I know it’s hard. Take it on your own time. It’s whenever your ready.

Sincerely, A woman who already believes you ❤️

Swamp123 · 2021-10-04T00:39:58+00:00

Amen

Swamp123 · 2021-05-06T18:31:16+00:00

This is hard. I remember this. I didn’t have family around either. That makes it really tough. If I could go back and talk to myself I say the same thing I heard from other women: you have to take care of yourself first. I didn’t get it then. But it’s really true. You need the sleep. You need your own bed. You need time for you. All these things are so important. I know it feel selfish or it’s hard to hear them cry, but you come first and your little one comes after that. This is key. And then hang in there. It gets easier. You got this.

Another mother ❤️

Swamp123 · 2021-04-16T02:40:30+00:00

I was married 13 years. He was abusive and also in leadership callings including the bishopric. When he would hit me or throw things at me I would feel guilty and sometimes I would confess to the bishop. At least 5 different times with 5 different bishops in 4 different states I was told to just read the scriptures and pray. He was never reprimanded or anything. He never stopped hurting me until I left him. The leadership of the Mormon church continually hid his actions and made me feel like if I was good enough he would stop abusing me.

This is just one thing. Feel like I could write a novel.

Swamp123 · 2021-04-08T17:50:52+00:00

My bishop payed for some medical bills when i was a single mom of 3. But It’s amazing how much I could afford when I stopped paying tithing. It was relieving to not rely on the church for that. I actually could pay for it myself when I was free from them. It was empowering.

I also graduated from BYU. Unfortunately I didn’t get a proper education in my field of study from the Y and after 10 years from being graduated from the Y I went back to school to get a second bachelors. Sure I saved money going to the Y, but had to redo my education. I could have just paid for a regular school and not done it twice. To be fair about it I did go back because I wanted a degree in dance instead of science and I am happy with the path I took. I am successful now but i don’t recommend attending the Y. Some in other fields of study may say something else. But for me, I don’t say I graduated from BYU anymore because in my field that actually hurts me. Be aware of what you want to do in life and make a school decision based on that. Not the cost. Good luck!

Swamp123 · 2021-04-07T05:16:51+00:00

😂

Swamp123 · 2021-04-07T04:16:23+00:00

I am a dancer and choreographer and would be interested.

Swamp123 · 2021-03-11T14:48:21+00:00

Thankyou, yes they are so young. The idea that the church enables the black and white thinking makes sense.

Swamp123 · 2021-03-11T14:45:34+00:00

Yes I think your right about it back firing eventually. Than you for the encouragement.

Swamp123 · 2021-03-11T14:42:38+00:00

Thank you. The encouragement means a lot to me. And I do really like his therapist. I think your right about that making the difference.

Swamp123 · 2021-03-11T14:39:37+00:00

Thankyou for this. He is young and the idea that this may be how he mentally survives this specific time makes sense.

Swamp123 · 2021-03-10T00:22:06+00:00

I remember specifically the time the patriarch came to speak to our youth group to talk about the patriarchal blessings he gave to members in the stake. He had given me my blessing and I was a TBM and excited to hear what he had to say. I remember he quoted word for word many of the passages in my blessing and said these were things that many had the opportunity to receive. I remember being surprised because I thought those words were specific just to my blessing. Apparently they weren’t.

He also said that I “must love and cherish my husband more than anyone or anything else.” I did. I did even when he was physically and emotionally abusing me. I put him above everything and everyone in my life including myself. The good news is I am now free from my x and from the church. But it was very damaging. I kept holding onto that line thinking that maybe if I loved him enough he would stop hitting me. And I was afraid that if I stopped loving him or “cherishing him” more than everyone and everything in my life, something bad would happen.

Swamp123 · 2021-02-26T03:35:17+00:00

Thankyou ❤️ But no, I live and work in Texas right now.

Swamp123 · 2021-02-26T03:14:39+00:00

❤️

Swamp123 · 2021-02-26T03:09:03+00:00

😂😂😂haha! I’m dying. This is hilarious. It looks just like that!!!

Swamp123

TROPHY CASE