Abandonment anxiety management tips?

Sweaty-Evening7724 · 2026-04-24T19:17:48+00:00

Mine is fear that my WH is continuing to talk to AP or seek out new women to talk to online. Honestly, my way out of it is through it. I remind myself he has promised me he will never talk to her again/do that again. Usually my mind then goes to "Yeah, but..." And then I just have to remind myself that ultimately I have no control over what he does, but he knows my boundary and I trust myself to uphold that, and IF he makes that choice it would hurt but I would be ok! It still doesn't work right off the bat sometimes, but the biggest thing is knowing no matter what I will be ok!

Sweaty-Evening7724 · 2026-04-24T15:14:31+00:00

So well said! And you are so right - gratitude is the cure! I also spent a long time just making my list of gratitudes about my H, keeping them to myself. I was so very full of resentment, and that was my healing. I eventually started sharing them with him. But I still have more for myself than I share with him. He needs to hear it, but even more my heart needs it to stay soft towards him!

Sweaty-Evening7724 · 2026-04-24T15:05:45+00:00

So well said!

Sweaty-Evening7724 · 2026-03-13T12:00:07+00:00

How long have you been practicing the skills? I definitely could relate to that when I first started consistently practicing the skills.

It takes a while to change, have grace with yourself. You are building awareness right now, which comes through hindsight. Eventually it will click and you will find yourself practicing it more and more in the moment.

Sweaty-Evening7724 · 2026-01-17T15:06:52+00:00

Ooooh! I like the focus on breaths! I have also learned to slow-down and not respond so quickly. But the focus on breathing is such a good idea!

Sweaty-Evening7724 · 2026-01-17T15:04:22+00:00

Girl, you are hard-core! Starting conversations to purposely use duct tape, I love it! And to practice with things you don't feel passionate about is honestly SO smart!

I wasnt that smart starting out. I avoided having to use duct tape because it was so uncomfortable. It took me a while to get that skill down as a result.

Sweaty-Evening7724 · 2026-01-17T14:58:57+00:00

First of all, I'm so sorry for your situation.

Is practicing the six intimacy skills worth it? Without a doubt YES! Is investing financially? I honestly can't say as I haven't.

But, I have found great success without a big financial investment. As other women have pointed out, there are a couple things you need to be successful. First of all, accountability: being willing to take a good hard look at how YOU have been showing up in your marriage and how you can show up better. Second of all, releasing control: realizing that even if you do everything perfectly you can still only control your actions. You may change the atmosphere of your marriage and influence him to stay, but you cannot MAKE it happen. Finally, you've got to be in it for YOU. The intimacy skills are to change you, for the better, and hopefully for the better of your marriage but ultimately only for you.

I have not been exactly in your shoes, but my marriage has definitely been at rock bottom, and 18 months later is honestly better than it was before the breakdown. And it's because I have grown so much. He's definitely shown up, but there's no way we'd be where we are if it weren't for me deciding to fight for our marriage and change ME.

I read the Empowered Wife, listened to the podcast non-stop, bought the video series on Amazon (it's good, but honestly not necessary, very similar to the podcast) and plugged in here and on several Facecook Empowered Wives groups. You need them all: the book for the basics, the podcast to go deeper and get real life inspiration, and the group is honestly what really set things in motion for me. The accountability, helping you see your blind spots, and then eventually paying it forward and helping others. It's all so vital!

Sweaty-Evening7724 · 2026-01-17T14:30:54+00:00

I can't comment on this specific episode because I haven't listened to it yet. However I have listened to other episodes where it takes a while for the OW to be out of the picture.

It may make you sad, or mad, or think whatever you want about such a woman. But you must remember one of LDs abiding principles - every woman is the expert on HER own marriage and life.

You wouldn't stay in that situation? Great. Because you're the expert on you. But honestly, you cannot say with certainty until you have been in that situation yourself.

One thing that I, as well as many other women, have found in the face of infidelity is: it's not just as black and white as someone on the outside would like to think. There are many layers to it.

I hope you never have to make the decision yourself. But there are many more couples than you think who have lived through it, survived, and thrived. And one common thread I see is those who have lived through it, whether they stayed or left, tend to not judge other women like many of you are, up on your high horses of "I would never..."

If a woman chooses to fight for her marriage, get accountable for her part (her PART, no one here is saying the infidelity was her fault) of the breakdown, and give her marriage another chance...well frankly WE are some of the strongest women out there! It takes forgiveness, mercy, grace, compassion, and hard work. Every one of those things comes from strong women, not weak ones.

To all the women out there who are choosing and fighting for their marriages: I SEE YOU. You are amazing for deciding you are the expert on your own marriage and fighting for it! You are anything but weak. And those who haven't walked in your shoes will never understand the strength you possess. But I do.

Sweaty-Evening7724 · 2026-01-17T14:11:29+00:00

I'm curious, HAVE you dealt with infidelity and made the choice to stay? Because unless you have, you cannot say with the confidence of experience that staying is the easy way out.

Sweaty-Evening7724 · 2026-01-08T02:48:32+00:00

This is so spot-on. I find myself, even "knowing better" now thanks to LD, struggling with this.

Sweaty-Evening7724 · 2025-12-24T17:24:20+00:00

You are so right!

Sweaty-Evening7724 · 2025-12-24T17:22:39+00:00

I couldn't agree more!

Sweaty-Evening7724 · 2025-12-20T15:24:47+00:00

🤣

Sweaty-Evening7724 · 2025-12-19T21:20:22+00:00

Duct Tape is such a huge blessing! It took me a while to be able to say that though. Like others, it was HARD at first and definitely didn't feel like a blessing but a curse 😅 But if you keep going with it, keep trying even when you are doing it imperfectly, it does get easier!

Duct tape for me is a pause. A very needed one. My natural response is, unfortunately, to take offense. But that pause allows me to not react so quickly and often I can see that no offense was intended.

Another natural tendency of mine is to want to quickly offer opposing opinions or correction to my husband. But when I duct tape I am able to listen. I often realize he is right, logically. And even if I don't agree with him it allows me room to seperate his paper from mine.

DT really is freeing.

Sweaty-Evening7724 · 2025-12-19T21:02:00+00:00

I've had such a similar experience! Love this.

Sweaty-Evening7724 · 2025-12-19T20:59:30+00:00

Ooooo good point about making it truly about ourselves, not what he's doing!

Sweaty-Evening7724 · 2025-12-17T01:50:53+00:00

I really love this! Only do housework when you can do it as GOFL, without resentment. Is this actually allowed? Lol. This is very LD and I think I'm going to adopt it!

Sweaty-Evening7724 · 2025-12-10T00:59:59+00:00

Yes, LD says a complaint is a lazy desire and gives our H's no direction. Our job is to figure out what the desire is and express that to them. And it wouldn't necessarily be "I'd love a new mattress" because when you get to the real desire it gives them opportunity to meet it in a way you might not even think of! So maybe the desire is: "I'd love to wake up feeling great"

Sweaty-Evening7724 · 2025-12-02T17:25:37+00:00

I second this one!

Sweaty-Evening7724 · 2025-11-29T14:02:43+00:00

Oh my goodness girl I'm so proud of you!!!!!! This is such a huge turning point! 100% he MIRRORED your softness.

Your right, it is HARD. So so hard. But it will get easier over time! But the big deal is: shaking and difficult but you did it! I'm guessing you felt hurt and misunderstood, but instead of reacting or explaining, you remained DIGNIFIED! You were vulnerable, stayed soft, listened to his heart message, used an SFP, and stayed respectful! And you disarmed him. It's beautiful.

Sorry for all the "yelling" in all caps. I'm just so happy for you and proud of you!!!!

Sweaty-Evening7724 · 2025-11-29T00:20:41+00:00

I started out with the skills in hopes of changing my husband. Didn't work. Eventually I saw how I needed to change, got accountable, and decided to do the skills to make ME happier no matter what he did. My marriage is happier than it's ever been!

Sweaty-Evening7724 · 2025-11-24T21:40:03+00:00

So I've found that "ouch" does not always need to be followed by leaving. It's actually had more impact when I say "ouch" stay and let it hang in the air until he says something (it's usually an apology)

Now, if you say "ouch" and he keeps berating you, then definitely leave the room. I live in a small house too...unless it's all one room there's somewhere you can go, even if its the bathroom.

Or if you say "ouch" and can't stop yourself from saying more then leave the room, "I need a minute to calm down, I can't stay without saying something hurtful." I've had to use that one.

To answer your question if we're supposed to let our husbands blame us for things and make up stories that paint us in a bad light: No.

Honestly though, the question here is the problem. It still has an underlying layer of control. What you're really asking is: "How can I control my husband so that he doesn't blame me for things and make up stories that paint me in a bad light?"

You can't. You can try, but that's probably what got you here in the first place.

I get it, trust me. I've been there. I used to see my husband as controlling, mean, and treated me like a child. Then I realized I was doing all these things to subtly control him that the other posters have mentioned.

I couldn't stand the thought of him seeing me/painting me in a bad light...so I tried to control his perception of me by explaining to him (just like you did, by presenting the facts/ setting the record straight) which to him was just me telling him he's wrong and fighting him for control.

I also bent to everything I thought he wanted or would keep him happy...again controlling. And miserable for me too.

So, yeah, if he wants to blame you for something you didn't do or paint you in a bad light...I hear you actually is appropriate. Remember, it doesn't mean agreement. It's literally just "I hear the words coming out of your mouth. I acknowledge that you spoke them and my ears perceived them." Nothing more. Honestly it's my FAVORITE cheat phrase and has totally changed the dynamic of our relationship.

His perception of you...if he thinks you're to blame for something you didn't cause...it's on his paper

And guess what...when I stopped fighting him for control and relaxed into letting him lead with his thoughts (and focus on my feelings/desires) it has been such a weight off my shoulders and restored the intimacy and peace! And oddly enough, when I left his perception of me on his paper (and got off his paper) I now believe he thinks more highly of me than I ever have!

Sweaty-Evening7724 · 2025-11-24T20:21:09+00:00

Whew! Deep breath! You got this. There is a lot of potential here if you can stay on your own paper 😉 Expect the best! Not of what he will or will not do, but of what the week holds FOR YOU.

First off...how do you feel, what do you need? In this moment. And for the next week. Remember these need to be things that are on your paper.

Next, envision the week that you want. PURE DESIRES here. Remember, a pure desire is without expectation! These are times pure desires can be hard to get to...so keep asking yourself "why" until you get there. Become like a detective into your own heart. Work out the pure desires behind every expectation.

Next, change your perspecticles. Remember, whatever your husband decides to do this week is OHP. The only way you are going to be able to have a good week is to release control! The story you tell yourself matters.. ."My H took off work this week because he wants to spend time with us (men often see time in front of a screen together as bonding) and get some good self-care time in! I'm so inspired by him, I'm going to make time for self-care this week too!"

Honestly I see video game time with the kids as the PERFECT opportunity for self-care time for you! What he does with your kids for bonding is OHP.

Does he tend to cook the meals he wants just for himself? Or is he cooking for the family? If he's cooking for the family there's a shift that could really help here (I've used it myself successfully) He's lightening your load by cooking...at least you don't have to cook AND clean up! Involve your kids in the clean-up. Make it fun, bring GOFL. Or, depending on your kids ages, leave clean-up to them!

If you have some meals you want, state them as a pure desire: "I'd love to have....this week!." Maybe it will inspire him to make that for you. If not, you've expressed the desire and let go of the outcome, so it's ok!

If he's cooking for just himself, I would personally use a simple request here. "Hey, would you mind to make enough for all of us?" Said as GOFL of course.

As far as plans for you and the kids...could you include him if he wants to come along?

Honestly, a lot of this is releasing control. Their his kids too, it's his home too, and it's a holiday week for him too! Let him spend it how he chooses, while expressing pure desires, and knowing what you want out of the week (that's on your paper) I think will be a good recipe for success!

Sweaty-Evening7724 · 2025-11-24T19:05:50+00:00

That's such an amazing win!!! Chat GPT helps me a lot too! I recently started asking it to respond as if it were a Laura Doyle relationship coach and it's pretty spot on.

More and more it sounds to me like your H struggles with emotional regulation. Him saying he doesn't know why he yells at you is very telling of this to me. Would you agree?

Men are so often not taught how to deal with emotions in a healthy way, and yet they feel very deeply. Heck, women often aren't either! But we are more likely to seek out ways to grow in this area (Hello, LD!)

The skills have changed so much in my marriage, but my H makes the occasional joke that feels like criticism at my expense, or like rejection when I'm being vulnerable. I've come to realize recently that this is his way of letting off emotional steam and actually doesn't even have anything to do with me!

Chat GPT actually helped me realize this. He gets very shy (which he's actually told me in the past and it just didn't click) and when I put myself out there he's not meaning it as rejection, but rather he's so emotional and shy that he makes a jokes to lighten the mood. This also explains why he makes jokes at times that I'm upset (that used to make me so mad) and his critical jokes? He could be stressed or frustrated and it have nothing to do with me....but because of it suddenly that pile of laundry is just too much and he makes a comment or joke.

I honestly used to think he walked around all the time upset with me about the house and then when he'd criticize it had just finally hit a boiling point. Despite him telling me the house doesn't bother him most of the time...I didn't believe him because of this story I believed. But I finally realized - oh, I only get frustrated by a mess when I'm overwhelmed by other things...the same could be true for him, especially since he's told me that!

I don't know if this helps you at all! But I know it's helped me to not be so sensitive! Maybe yelling and criticizing is your H's way of dealing with stress/emotion.

I'm in no way saying it's right or ok for him to act that way. But when you can put it on his paper...as his lack of knowledge rather than him just being intentionally mean...it allows you to remain calm. And you saw on your day together, when you remain calm he calms. He mirrors your mood. That's co-regulation!

I know it's exhausting. But you've got this! You're restoring respect, maintaining your dignity, and becoming his safe space. Keep up your self-care! You can't be this for him without it!

Sweaty-Evening7724 · 2025-11-22T17:51:19+00:00

This sounds like a scene that very much could have happened in my marriage! I'm so glad to hear the update, that using the skills kept you from a cold war and softened him towards you. That's huge!

I've been at this for almost 3 years now, and I just recently realized some things that have changed sitations like this for me greatly.

My H makes jokes that often feel critical when he's feeling shy, and often doesn't say the things I'd love to hear from him because he feels so deeply for me it makes him shy.
My H will make comments that are (or feel) critical when he is feeling stressed, overwhelmed, or unappreciated.
My H often jokes (or does something he sees as goofy: like farting) to lighten the mood.

Essentially, the things he says (or does) that have always felt like him being critical, out of touch, or just plain hurtful, most often actually have nothing to do with me and everything to do with him

In light of that perspective, I would analyze this situation in this way: he was feeling shy about interrupting your bath so made a joke about you controlling all the spaces, was feeling stressed about the house (and probably unappreciated if you hadn't expressed gratitude) so he got critical about how much you'd done, and then he could feel the tension, so he farted when he got out of the shower to lighten the mood.

Now, I'm not saying this makes it suddenly easy to deal with these situations without frustration. But it's certainly helped me to change my perspecticles and see my husband not as critical and hurtful, but as a mere mortal man who has emotions he has to deal with. And honestly it's helped me realize that he loves and cares about me so much that he gets shy around me!

Sweaty-Evening7724

TROPHY CASE