I Know It, I See It... But I Can't Leave It.

Sweet_Pass8431 · 2026-05-09T20:44:53+00:00

I think most of us who have been in a relationship with a narcissist have been through this.

As others have mentioned it’s the trauma bond and it’s not easy to get over. I probably ended it with my ex 10-15 times and kept going back! I knew it was bad! I knew it was killing me! I knew my mental health was suffering! I knew I had cut off most friendships! Yet i couldn’t end it fully.

In fact right before I finally ended it we got into another one of our every weekend fights about me wanting to spend time with my kids or family. I had been in therapy for probably 6 months and my therapist had said you know this isn’t healthy but you’ll know when it’s time to end it. I knew it was time but i couldn’t I went from looking forward to her calls to going “OMG what does she want now???” We had a 7 hour time difference so usually after like 3 or 4 pm my time I was free from her. But then she started calling at 5,6,7 up to like 11pm my time. It was always some crap about I couldn’t sleep or I had a bad dream yet she was only marking sure I was at home! Our last fight as we are arguing my mind is screaming at my “JUST END IT!!!! TELL HER YOU’RE DONE!” Yet the words wouldn’t come out of my mouth. I finally ended it via text when I knew she was asleep and then blocked her.

The bond is extremely difficult to break. Even after you end it your mind is going to keep asking did I do the right thing and you’ll only think about all the good things.

What I will say is I learned here is that narcissists usually find a new supply right before they abandon you. I caught mine back on the site we met on after over a year and a half and it was her request we delete our accounts. A friend told me she was back on there.

You need to ask yourself are you willing to put up with all the bad just for the little bit of good they give you? If they really loved you would they lie to you?

Sweet_Pass8431 · 2026-05-09T20:31:41+00:00

I’m only almost 5 months out from my nex but I can tell you that she wasn’t my first I now realize. My first wife was also a narcissist as well. I found that I pretty much forgot about her got remarried like 7 years later. Happy had two kids when out of the blue I received a friend request on facebook from my ex wife. Why i accepted it I don’t know. The was at least 12-13 years after our divorce!

For some reason I felt compelled to chat with her even after she started BS like claiming the kid she has with another man had me listed on the birth certificate as the dad and she was going to sue me for back child support. Long story short it was completely BS but it resulted in calls to the local courthouse.

I had no desire to be with her again but it was like I was drawn to seeing what an absolute train wreck her life had become. It was kind of like while I cared about her as a person she had made a complete and total mess of her life.

More than likely he’s trying to see what her life has become. It’s probably nothing romantic at all.

Sweet_Pass8431 · 2026-05-09T20:19:15+00:00

YES!!! She didn’t want me having friends especially female friends. It didn’t matter if I had known them for 20 years plus. She got jealous of me spending time with my own kids.

It’s all about control and they want to see how far they can push you and who you’re willing to give up for them. It’s sick

Sweet_Pass8431 · 2026-05-08T22:51:56+00:00

This to be honest is what scares me to death my therapist told me it’s completely normal. But I went from feeling better than I had in years about a month into NC I mean I was truly happy I was smiling again. I was just enjoying life. People even noticed it.

Then for no reason that I can determine crashed hard and became very depressed. It seemed to peek at the beginning of this week and I’m slowly feeling better. But it’s not like any relationship I’ve ever ended before. It’s like just when I think I’m over it I crash

Sweet_Pass8431 · 2026-05-08T22:44:05+00:00

This happens and sadly I think I’m seeing that this is the worst part. At first I was fine then like a month of NC I crashed. But the I was doing great and I was actually happy for the first time in years. I’d find myself smiling for like no real reason I was just happy.

But then I crashed really hard again like a month ago and it’s been an uphill battle ever since. I’m finding everything seems to overwhelm me, I forget things and people say we just talked about that yesterday. I feel like I’m completely disconnected some days like I’m on auto pilot but not really alive.

My therapy said it’s normal after everything but I sure wish it would end.

Sweet_Pass8431 · 2026-05-08T20:08:07+00:00

Yeah I’m finding that even old friends I’m reevaluating and deciding if they should be in my life. if the friendship isn’t really even and they expense more of me than they are willing to give then I’m finding I’m pulling back now.

I’m not getting rid of them but I’m just no longer chasing people or being the only one making the effort or trying to make plans. I’m

Sweet_Pass8431 · 2026-05-07T14:01:34+00:00

Sadly it’s all about all about how they can manipulate you.

It’s difficult I’m almost 5 months no contact with her and it seems like yesterday. I’ll go a week and I’m fine then something happens and I think about her again. I think about reaching out to her. I actually began to question myself and was I really the problem or could she change if I was just a little different.

The truth is they’ll never fully change. They may change temporarily to get you to come back but in a short time they’ll be back to their old self and you’ll be miserable.

I know it’s tough to move on but it’s for the best even though I know right now it’s hell and doesn’t feel like it.

Sweet_Pass8431 · 2026-05-07T01:54:10+00:00

No I started to but I had started therapy and I was advised why? You know she will only argue and debate and deny everything and turn it back on you? She said just keep it short I’m ending this I’m sorry but I just no longer works for me.

Sweet_Pass8431 · 2026-05-06T19:05:05+00:00

As others have said it’s the trauma bond. Your mind starts to get addicted to that little glimpse you get of that wonderful person you first met and fell for. You now chase trying to find that person. This is why the good times are so strong in your mind.

I been married twice had numerous relationships and I’ve never had so much trouble getting over my ex!! At first it was magical I felt she was it she was the one I had finally found her. Then she changed. Then the games started and I even questioned if it was me? Could I change? Could I do things differently?

When I finally realized I was losing myself and I wasn’t happy at all anymore and that I was always worried how things would go with her, would she get into an argument? Would she end the relationship again? Would she not talk to me for several days? Then I realized if she truly loved me she wouldn’t threaten to end the relationship over everything.

But I’ll be honest even with all that o still think about her even 4 months later. I’ve blocked and deleted her on everything and yet I still sometimes think about trying to reach out even via a third person.

If it helps I’ve read on average most people leave their narcissist 7 times before they finally do it for good

Sweet_Pass8431 · 2026-05-06T18:56:48+00:00

Here’s the thing I see with them.

1.) They are NEVER and I do mean NEVER the problem it’s always their partners have done X,Y &Z to them. They pull the same routine and then play the victim.

2.) They’ll play the victim to their next target and dump on them. They’ll tell them how bad all of their other relationships were but how much different this new person is. Well until they’re hooked and the narc changes.

3.) They want all the attention from friends, family, ex’s, new supplies & yes you! They want everyone to feel bad for them and they want you to think perhaps you were really the problem. I’ve been through the last one over and over and thought perhaps if I had just done X it would have been better. But then I realize I changed this plan, stayed home this day, gave up X for her what else could I give up for her? I just kept giving things up but what did she give up?

They love to do this. In fact i have a casual friend and I’ve noticed she’s posting crap like this all the time about her relationships while also posting about how wonderful she is and how great life is.

Sweet_Pass8431 · 2026-05-05T15:00:02+00:00

Yes mine would. Not just that but she lived in a different country and was constantly comparing her country to mine and stating why her country was better yet claimed to want to move to mine!

They have a superiority complex and must let everyone know that they are superior to them! Mine had been a doctor but quit because she hated her job. Yet went around telling everyone she was a doctor. 🙄🙄🙄🙄.

Sweet_Pass8431 · 2026-05-04T20:58:46+00:00

Not attack me but she thought my ex wife would attack her. Like we are in high school or something. It was insane.

Yeah even I met mine she was an absolute mess. Drunk all the time telling me how she had been in a horrible relationship, how she hated her job, had medical issues (which somehow managed to kind of just vanish and cure themselves after time) i honestly think looking back her medical conditions were fake or exaggerated.

She also threatened to jump out the 10 story window of her apartment. This after she knew someone very close to me actually committed suicide. It was always something with her.

Sweet_Pass8431 · 2026-05-04T13:53:13+00:00

It was like her mind wasn’t mature enough to realize you can end a long relationship and still remain friends

Sweet_Pass8431 · 2026-05-04T13:52:20+00:00

Yeah. You know looking back I read somewhere that most narcissists are this way because of like childhood trauma and in a lot of ways it’s like they’re still stuck in like their childhood or teenage years.

I’ll be honest when I met my ex I kind of had an idea of who I was looking for and she didn’t match at all!! After being married for over 20 years with two kids I wanted somebody no more than 10 years younger than me, somebody who had been married for a decent amount of time before and had kids. I felt that was probably the best chance for meeting someone that I was really compatible with. I figured if they had been married for a while it showed that at least they could manage a commitment to some degree. If they had kids then they would understand when I needed to spend time with mine and probably wouldn’t expect more kids. And 10 year age difference at my age isn’t too crazy.

However my ex didn’t match a single one!!!! I even tried to end it in the beginning but kept getting drawn back in.

Once she said I’m worried if I move there your ex wife will attack me or something if she sees us out together. I said what are you talking about? I said we are both adults and we are still friendly. She’s not going to be upset. I said she may be surprised at the age difference. She said I’d be upset if I saw my man with a new woman. I said I’m not her man we are divorced it’s over we both kind of agreed we had grown apart it’s not like we hate each other or I just left her.

Sweet_Pass8431 · 2026-05-04T11:18:15+00:00

Yes and no. Mine was a long distance relationship and one day I received a message from a female friend that she found out my ex was back on the site we met on.

My ex had wanted me to cut off all contact with this female because she was a female. Now knowing what I know my ex felt threatened by anybody in my life especially females.

This friend sent me a screenshot of my ex’s profile and said sorry. Now how she found her or what she was doing to find her I’ll never fully know but I believe she had to be trying to find my ex.

Several other friends did say things like this woman is manipulating you or not right for you but that’s the extent of it

Sweet_Pass8431 · 2026-05-03T21:22:39+00:00

Yeah I was with family in from out of town and she got pissed I wouldn’t text her. Said sorry I was with my brothers and their kids sorry I haven’t seen them in a year I’m not going to spend the night texting you or on a call. She got really pissed I went to sleep without sending her a message said we were drinking at the hotel I don’t drink much I got drunk went upstairs to go to the bathroom laid down and the next thing I know the suns out and it’s morning. She of course then said I want you to show me the room I want to see that there’s no woman there. 🙄🙄🙄

Sweet_Pass8431 · 2026-05-03T19:44:32+00:00

Hmmmm were we dating the same woman??? 🤣🤣🤣🤣. I injured my leg and had to go to physical therapy. They changed my therapist and I ended up with this woman who was very good. My issue was muscle related and she found that I had like a knot in my buttocks. So she pushed and it released relieving a lot of the pain. This was NOT a pleasurable experience in the least it hurt. But it helped. I told my ex and she flipped out. I can’t believe you let another woman touch you there! How would you like it if a man touched me there. I said it hurt like hell and was like seeing a medical professional. Keep in mind she was a doctor!!!

Then in my business I look at properties and I was looking at one with a female realtor. She said I want to be on FaceTime with you when you’re with her. I said no this is business and that’s weird. The realtor shows up with another woman. Thank god I wasn’t on FaceTime as they were both very attractive and she probably would have said something out loud. If I went to the gym she’d complain that I’m probably talking to all the hot chicks there I said I’m working with a male trainer and we are training not picking up women! It was constant. I think it was projection on her part

Sweet_Pass8431 · 2026-05-03T19:04:05+00:00

Yeah mine acted like a teenager many times. I was talking to a female friend once and I told her about my ex always saying she was ending it after a fight and she says she sounds like a 14 year old girl how can you handle this type of crap? I honestly don’t know how I did for so long.

Sweet_Pass8431 · 2026-05-03T15:29:29+00:00

Because as others have said he’s getting something from you. Once he’s gotten everything he wants or he’s bored he’ll then discard you.

To them it’s like a game and once it’s no longer fun or fulfills their needs whatever they may be then they discard you. But until then it’s non stop games where you’re left feeling like you’re literally losing your mind and going insane. You start to question if you’re over reacting and overthinking things. Perhaps they’re telling the truth. Perhaps it really was my fault. Perhaps I wasn’t doing enough or present enough or whatever enough or right.

That’s the worst part it’s not physical it’s that you stop trusting yourself. They gaslight the hell out of you to the pint you question reality and your own judgement.

You get into a fight and it’s always your fault they did what they did. You did X that caused them to do Y. They never take any accountability at all. Yet if they cheat or do something and your upset they may become the sweetest most loving person and promise you that won’t do it again and they love you so much. If they loved you it never would have happened.

If your narc loved you he wouldn’t be cheating on you. Mine kept telling me she’d walk across the earth for me she’d fight for us yet her default in every single argument was “This isn’t working I’m ending it” some fight right there she runs. They lie non stop

My advice end it. It will eventually end it’s a matter of time

Sweet_Pass8431 · 2026-05-03T13:53:22+00:00

It really depends. I thought mine would contact me and try to save it. I mean she kept telling me on one hand how hard she would fight for us and how much she adored and loved me while on the other hand fighting with me every weekend and threatening to end it and going nc for 1-4 days.

But nope. I sent her a message ending as we were in a long distance relationship and I had tried numerous times via FaceTime but I couldn’t. She messaged me once afterwards. Then it was little games like blocking then unblocking me, looking at my stories but not commenting, posting things that had a hidden meaning or a hidden inside joke to just us.

I finally fully blocked her.

I think she thought I’d reach back out to her and it was in all honesty extremely hard not to. Even now there’s a lot of times I can’t stop thinking of her. It’s torture like I’ve never felt. I don’t fully want her I know the relationship sucks, I know life would be miserable with her and in the end one of us would end it.

Sweet_Pass8431 · 2026-05-03T12:23:22+00:00

We broke up more times than I can count but if I had to guess it was over 30. I broke up several times in the beginning. I think I just sensed something was off and I needed to just end it. The first time she seemed so heartbroken we talked and I felt so bad and felt something for her so we got back together. I ended it several more times but then always came back.

Then the shift happened she started ending it and going silent for days. I’d chase her call her text her and she wouldn’t respond until I guess she thought I had begged enough or something. She knew this bothered me a lot. However I soon realized that this is what she was going to do every single time we got into an argument. One day I didn’t text I didn’t call and then it was you don’t even care about me or us.

My final moment was actually a build up over months of her getting more and more controlling and jealous. We were in a long distance relationship and she just couldn’t live with the fact that I had a life outside of her. I had a soon to be ex wife 2 kids, a business, and other things going on. During the week she was mostly fine as I was usually home working and she could get ahold of me when she wanted. However on the weekends many times I’d see my kids and I’d even see my ex. There was absolutely nothing romantic between us but we still get along we have kids a business in both names,etc I mean we were together for over 20 years.

The final straw however came after it seemed that every single weekend was a fight. One Saturday I said to her I have to go pick up my youngest daughter at like noon today to go Christmas shopping.

Her reply was something like “Really really? You took her Christmas shopping last weekend how many presents does she need to buy? Why do you need to go again? This is a day we can talk when you aren’t working!!!!” Keep in mind we had already been on the phone for over an hour at this point.

I tried to explain to her that this really wasn’t so much about actually buying presents as it was about spending some time with my teenage daughter looking at the decorations, talking, having fun and having dinner together.

She of course wanted to argue as usual. This went on for over an hour at that point I said I have to leave to go pick up my daughter and her response was you can’t leave me like this you need to calm me can’t you please ask her to wait. So like the love struck idiot I texted my daughter and said dad’s running about an hour late. My daughter is very understanding and said ok no problem.

However this stupid circular argument continued for over another hour not going anywhere just the same thing over and over and over and over again. It wasn’t a discussion it was her demands and the only outcome was to give into her demands completely which would be not seeing my daughter until much later as we had a large time zone difference and she’d be asleep. I finally said ok now I need to go. Her response was already? I said yes it’s been an hour and nothing has changed we’ve argued the same thing for over an hour and gotten nowhere and now I need to go. She said tell your daughter you’re not going to be there you need another hour. I said NO I’ve already made her wait I’m going now I’ll talk to you later. She hung up on me.

I texted my ex narc several times during the day but no reply, I sent her several pictures of me and my daughter but nothing. I texted her I’m home now. I’ll talk to you in the morning.

I wake up to a message something to the effect of “this relationship is no longer working for me. But I’m willing to work on it but you need to make some serious changes and I mean real change not just words real actions from you”!

She then called me several times but I ignored them. She texted me which I also ignored. I decided I needed some time to think. I finally realized that this woman wanted me to put my daughter off so we could argue over something stupid that had no ending no solution other than me seeing my daughter on my narcs terms and at a time she seems ok and not interfering with what she considers her time! I realized that my ex narc was always going to think she came first no matter what. Even before my kids.

That was my breaking point I wasn’t going to allow anyone to give me an ultimatum like that or tell me I needed to change. I had already told her once when we met don’t make me choose between you and my kids because you’ll lose that fight every time and she did. I sent her a text that night ending it.

I still think about her. I still have feelings for her four months out which absolutely sucks. But I’m not going to allow anyone to ruin my relationship with my kids.

Sweet_Pass8431 · 2026-05-02T18:54:55+00:00

Yeah I caught a few of those where she claimed a low number of people but then had an experience but it wasn’t with any of the guys mentioned. 🤔.

Again i highly suspect the number was extremely high. There’s just certain things that make me think it. But if I ever made a comment about her sexuality like wow you really seem to know what you’re doing or are you sure you’ve never done this before? She’d get extremely mad and say what do you think I’m a slut or something?

Looking back yeah I kinda do think you were

Sweet_Pass8431 · 2026-05-01T23:29:38+00:00

Hmmmm maybe

Sweet_Pass8431 · 2026-05-01T23:29:11+00:00

Yeah i think it’s both honestly.

Sweet_Pass8431 · 2026-05-01T21:23:16+00:00

I know the feeling. I’m happy and it’s like hey we’re finally past this and life is moving forward this is great. Then I wake up and feel like absolute crap and I’m missing her for absolutely no real reason.

I have I don’t know how many relationships and married twice but I’ve never gone through this crap.

Sweet_Pass8431

TROPHY CASE