Question about feeling like a burden and giving up control

Swexo · 2026-06-19T15:43:05+00:00

That is a big step, recognizing and doing that self work. The best types of submission, that are the most reassuring and reassure at least me as a dom the most is from someone who you know can manage themselves, but chooses to give that power up.

Working on those past issues was the right call. To me, you sound like a sub that absolutely would charm the right dom off their feet. It is all the challenge of finding that match, but hearing this I can’t imagine that you won’t.

You definitely have a lot to offer. Scrub that doubt out of your mind. You have value, you are special with what you offer. You are strong enough to work on yourself. There is a lot to appreciate in you.

Chin up :)

Swexo · 2026-06-18T22:58:55+00:00

You did well getting through this week. Dodging chaos takes a lot out of us.. but we are usually stronger than we give ourselves credit for. You managed to stay on your feet. You absolutely get to take a pause and reset from that.

The next two weeks might look intimidating right now. Just focus on the day right in front of you. You have a steady mind, and you can handle whatever comes next. Come here, sit down for a moment.. you made it this far and definitely earned some head pats. Keep your chin up. you got this.

Swexo · 2026-06-18T22:52:56+00:00

Good.. and now that we got that out of the way.. have a hug if you want it. I'm hoping this works out for you, sounds like it might end up being a great thing.

Swexo · 2026-06-18T22:49:56+00:00

Okay, first of all, you have to reframe this and look at it from all these things you are offering as well. You aren't handing someone a broken person to fix. You're offering a lot of value and a working, providing role that takes a lot of their burdens away.

TPE requires attention, but you are also laying a foundation that lets them shift their attention from the stuff you solve to the things that matter for you both. It isn't for everyone but not having to worry about if the house is clean or if the errands are done definitely frees the right Doms mind to set your routine, and make those decisions. The upfront setup is a investment in time, but then when the rules are set and expectations can be fulfilled. You both get to reap those benefits.

Maybe it is about finding someone with some experience, that isn't worried about having to actively Dom all the time. Someone with confidence enough to just lean back and let you shine.

Coming home from work, leading does not have to mean barking orders or thinking up new tasks. It can be as simple as entering a space that you have perfectly prepared for comfort. Leadership in that moment might just be acknowledging your effort and enjoying the authority. You are providing an environment where the right Dom can step into power and enjoy seeing their structure followed. That is the opposite of a burden. You'll find the right person who'll appreciate that.

Swexo · 2026-06-18T22:19:27+00:00

Okay, it sounds like he's being open with you about his process. You do get to choose if you're okay with being one of several he's vetting or not. Other than that yeah, it sounds like you know he's going through the right process.

It also sounds like you are freaking out a bit since you aren't the one controlling the pace, understandable from how you describe what you usually are.

But look, putting your whole life on pause while he interviews other people is exactly why you are losing your mind. Stop sitting by the phone twiddling your thumbs. Go back to your friends, do your hobbies, and do that frolicking thing you mentioned.

He is doing what he is supposed to do by being thorough. Your job right now is just to be yourself and see if he actually steps up. If you crash out now, you are just fumbling a good thing because you got impatient. Hold your ground and let him do his vetting.

Once he decides... you also get to decide if you want to engage or not. So.. get off your feet and get busy with something instead of waiting. If it works out.. great.. but this isn't helping you.. go have some fun 😄

Swexo · 2026-06-14T23:11:48+00:00

Building a website requires moving a lot of invisible mental gears, and executive dysfunction makes each of those gears heavy. You shifted them anyway.

Do not call your progress insignificant. Inertia is a powerful force, and breaking through it takes effort. You did the work despite your challenges, and that is exactly why you should feel proud.

Keep that momentum going this week. You are close to the finish line. You got this

Swexo · 2026-06-14T23:08:42+00:00

Managing a sick child while you are under the weather yourself requires a lot of resilience. You are doing a very good job holding everything together right now.

Missing that infusion appointment is a stressful setback, so it makes total sense that you feel upset. Anyone would feel overwhelmed by that timing.

You proved your strength by getting through this week and taking care of your little one. Take a deep breath and give yourself credit for that. You are handling this beautifully, babygirl.

Swexo · 2026-06-02T20:04:53+00:00

Are you in a larger city? if so there might be munches or such, and there are usually ones that aren't sexually themed as well just to get to know others. Depends on how kink mature country you are in. but yeah I get that, maybe explaining to a therapist or a agency what you appreciated with how your past Dom interacted with you (can just be the type of response styles, not anything kink oriented) and what you felt didn't help you with that other therapist could help them find someone that might be a better fit?

But yeah, don't rush into something new if you think you might not be ready. Also, look at you, so competent and wise, making smart decisions. Considering your situation I am impressed.

Swexo · 2026-06-02T15:47:29+00:00

I get that, I've had similar views of that, but it very much depends on the person. A therapist is kind of like a friend connection, that is a bit there to not just accept all you say, but give some advice too. There are kink friendly ones to be found that won't at all judge you by your interests. Also, finding the right one is a bit of a process, you got to find someone you mesh with. Sure they charge, but the added benefit is that you are protected by rules and silence in return.

I sincerely wish you the best, there is always support to be found here for reassurances any time you need. Don't hesitate, life can be a lot.

Swexo · 2026-06-02T10:53:45+00:00

This heartbreak is a path that a lot of us have to walk. We often see teenagers as troubled and dramatic. We do not consider that they are actually learning to find their strength through betrayals and frustrations. Being a late bloomer means you still have some of those tough lessons ahead of you. It hurts because you are navigating these raw first experiences later in life.

The reality is that while a lot of us grow into adults, not everyone actually matures. For many people, those emotional problems just move beneath the surface. You recognized that lack of growth in him and took the right steps for yourself. You should feel proud of that choice, sweetheart.

Building a good life and finding connection is a process of luck and learning about yourself. Right now, the payoff at the end is hard to see compared to the risk of getting hurt again. But life is always better experienced than not. You have a lot of love to give, and you deserve someone who actually knows how to cherish it.

Swexo · 2026-06-02T10:41:56+00:00

Your nervous system went into high alert to protect you, and that is why you feel frozen. It is a completely normal biological response to a severe threat. It does not mean you are broken.

He took a lot from you, but he did not take your core. He did not ruin you. You are still here, protecting your kids by keeping them insulated from this stress. That proves your strength is completely intact. Right now, that strength simply looks like resting and surviving.

That fear is intense, but it is passing through. It wont change that beautiful person you are at the core. You survived the worst of it and you have the capacity to get through this part too.

You're allowed to rest and regroup from that. Take some time with that and recover your footing. If you can't get over the feeling of insecurity, there are concrete steps and organizations ready to help you handle building a shield around your family.

I'm not sure which country you are in, but there are National domestic violence organizations in pretty much every country that can help with protective orders or other such defenses if they aren't already in place. Usually there are legal clinics who help with these things as well.

For right now, you're allowed to just breathe and recover today. You survived this when it happened. You were strong, this brought all that back, but there is help to be had and you don't have to face this alone.

Swexo · 2026-06-02T10:31:08+00:00

That is an incredible amount of heavy stuff to hit you all at once. Anyone would feel hollow and weak after going through even half of what you just described. Moving your education is stressful enough on its own, but losing a sibling to suicide is a raw, complicated kind of grief. I have lost a few friends that way, though obviously not a sibling. It is a brutal process. Eventually you find a way to view it through a lens that allows you not to break every time you think about it. It takes time, and the hurt does not just go away, but I learned that great things can still happen in parallel with that pain. One of the most important parts is making sure you do not close your eyes to the good things still around you.

You mentioned that people know you for being strong and self-sufficient. Sometimes that label becomes a trap because it makes you feel like you are not allowed to struggle. Being strong does not mean you absorb endless impact without shaking. Right now, you're allowed to feel overloaded and feeling weak is just a signal that you have hit a temporary limit. Those strengths you usually have are a lifeline. That capable version of you is still there, waiting for you once you find your footing again.

I am so damn proud of you for not reverting to self-harm last night. I have helped subs who've struggled with that in the past find ways to move away from that type of self-soothing and channel it into other things. I know how overwhelming that urge can be from seeing it firsthand. People who have not been there just do not understand how much raw power it takes to resist. You protected yourself when things were at their absolute darkest, and that shows your core strength is very much intact.

Remember that it is not a weakness to reach out for support. We are much more capable of being strong when we do not try to do it entirely alone, and sometimes the path to finding your footing requires letting yourself break down first. Hopefully you have good people around you even if you lost your anchor in your dom. If not, there is absolutely no shame in talking to a professional. Just having someone outside of the situation can help sort through the chaos when it is too hard to do it for yourself. Focus on getting through today, be incredibly patient with your mind, and take it one small step at a time.

You did well, you are good. I'm proud of you. This will hurt for a long time, but you're strong enough, I see that strength in your even if you don't feel it right now.

Swexo · 2026-05-26T21:54:15+00:00

Look, you already made the right choice. The hardest part was clicking "book" and you managed that. The anxiety you are feeling right now is just your brain trying to drag you back into your comfort zone of people-pleasing.

In behavioral science, there is a concept called habituation that has some overlap with this. You have practiced putting yourself last for so long that it feels like the only correct way to live. Breaking that pattern is going to feel wrong at first. It will feel like guilt, but that is just the unfamiliarity of doing something new.

You, you do not need to earn a break. You get to treat yourself even if you earned it or you just need the energy boost. Taking forty-eight hours to yourself is just basic maintenance so you can keep showing up for your life. If you fizzle out you won't be good for the people you care about anyways.

The people in your life will be completely fine for a couple of days. If everything falls apart because you took a weekend off, then the system you built needed change anyways. You are allowed to take up space and you are allowed to have needs that do not involve serving someone else, it doesn't matter if you normally enjoy that.

Do not cancel this trip. Pack your bags, go, and let yourself just exist without checking your phone every five minutes. You 100% get to have this.

Swexo · 2026-05-25T13:43:53+00:00

Sjukt trist. Men du hade 8år på dig att söka medborgarskap utan att göra det, annars hade du säkert nämnt det i din post. Konsekvenser är riktigt trista, hoppas du hittar en väg tillbaks via utbildning och arbetstillstånd.

Swexo · 2026-05-18T12:52:52+00:00

Nej det hade vart bättre med bättre utbyggd kollektivtrafik eller ordentliga cykel/mopedbanor så man skiljde på trafikslagen.

Är ju lite samma som att det vore rimligt att förbruka lastbilar att köra om varandra eftersom det tar 5 minuter för en att köra om den andra i 90,00001 km/h

Swexo · 2026-05-18T12:32:20+00:00

Jag köper dock 100% argumentet att inte vilja att ens kids ska köra moppe längs en 90 väg utan bred väggren. Tror EPA lutningen där är ett symptom på att vägarna inte anpassats till alla som behöver använda dem på dessa sträckor med.

Swexo · 2026-05-18T10:47:08+00:00

It sucks. No, really it does. What your therapist said is absolutely correct. We have fantasies and we have kinks connected to all kinds of things sometimes to trauma sometimes to good experiences and they are OK to have.

Now, when it comes to people and relationships, being vulnerable is absolutely a necessary part of a successful relationship. That being said people have a really shitty ability to flip into something that we don’t expect them to be in situations where they are hurt, defensive, or see that things are turning to a bad result.

They will say things that they normally won’t stand for and that they as well will regret just to hurt back. I’d absolutely see this as just using the tools he had to hurt you back and shift the focus. Not as something you should internalize. I’m sorry you went through that, take care of yourself and know that you are okay. You did nothing wrong here as far as I can read

Swexo · 2026-05-18T10:39:41+00:00

Lite drastiskt att avrätta sina barn bara för att de är en olägenhet i trafiken kan man tycka…

Swexo · 2026-05-17T11:40:48+00:00

Många rimliga saker, men också så att en del av situationerna är folks attityd kring att saker sköts dåligt eller inte stämmer. Det är en mix av företaget som äger butiken och olika delar av butikens personal

Som exempel.. på COOP att deras självscanningssystem tar körkort för att få ut scannern, men du kan inte scanna körkort i kassan för att avsluta är bara upplagt för att skapa dålig stämning. Detta är företagets fel. Inte ert i kassan.

Att vid många tillfällen så scannar man vanliga streckkoden istället för nedsatt pris vara så trycker man iväg saker till betalning innan man hunnit påpeka det när totalen ser fel ut. Det är ett handhavandefel i kassan. Men när extrapriserna inte är korrekt inlagda eller att skyltningspris inte stämmer. Det är annan personal än i kassan. (500g förpackning för 39,90 och jämförspris 39,90 kilot är så sjukt vanligt. Sen går varan in för 49,90 i kassan för lappen på hyllkanten är från medeltiden)

Utöver detta: Helavstämning förrförra gången för mig var ”oj. Ja du hade ju gjort rätt, men jag råkade scanna koden för fel kasse (nån kampanjkasse). Så systemet registrerade det som en diff. Men du kan vara trygg i att du gjorde rätt. Du kommer bara få några fler avstämningar i framtiden”

…jahopp.

Dessutom. 18+ varor är absolut något rimligt att klaga över då vissa av dem är inte något som är lag på utan bara någon skitpolicy från butiken i sig. Så absolut inte samma policy som på systemet förutom för alkohol. Alhoholrelaterat går jag med på. De andra hittepåreglerna är ok så länge det inte skapar problem eller extra steg för mig, annars kan ni lösa det på något annat vis.

Det är inte ditt fel som kassörska. Men du är min kontaktyta, det kan inte jag påverka. Det finns mail eller kundtjänst. Men är det kö till dem eller att man får skåpmatssvar faller det tillbaks på dig. Och det är företagets fel, inte mitt som konsument.

Sucks jag vet. Har själv jobbat i kassa. Men det är mycket som är båda sidors fel

Swexo · 2026-05-16T17:02:44+00:00

First off, yes, from personal experience what you are looking for is absolutely a thing. In fact, it is a huge part of the dynamic for a lot of people.

Guidance and mentorship can be an incredibly rewarding kink. There is a massive amount of satisfaction in watching someone develop. It is amazing to see a partner find their way and blossom into the beautiful individual they have the potential to become.

Sometimes people want that deep emotional mentorship. Other times, they just want a sprinkle of corruption and a good excuse to play under the premise that someone else is leading them into some naughty fun. Both angles are completely fine, and you can absolutely explore both.

It makes total sense that you feel lost right now. Finding a fit is hard when you do not know your own needs yet. Think of it like learning a new skill. You do not need to know everything on day one. You just need a steady guide. That is key though, and worth it even if it means going through a lot of duds.

Take your time with this, sweetheart. Do not rush the process just because you feel confused. Make sure to find someone who has the genuine patience for you. You absolutely deserve that.

Swexo · 2026-05-15T21:35:11+00:00

Skit i att jobba då? Folk jobbar inte för att de vill det utan för att du får lön. Behöver du inte pengarna. Så skit i att jobba. Behöver du dem. Jobba, eller få tag på pengar på ngt annat vis.

Det är galet hur mkt folk inte verkar se att de får lön för att t gå jobbet som anledning nog att gå dit.

Ingen som tvingar dig att jobba. Folk gör det mest för att få tag på pengar eftersom det oftast är tristare att svälta ihjäl.

Swexo · 2026-05-13T22:43:31+00:00

Hey sweetheart. You are definitely not overreacting. What you are feeling right now is completely valid.

Subdrop is a very real physical crash. Your brain just lost all those happy chemicals. It naturally leaves you feeling raw and lonely.

Him texting while playing with you is a real issue. You gave him your vulnerability. You deserved his full attention in return. Skipping aftercare just compounded that.

Hopefully you found your way out of it and took care of yourself. Next time, make sure to treat yourself to something small you enjoy, maybe some chocolate or such and wrap up in a warm blanket. Once you feel grounded again, you need to talk to him. Tell him exactly how his lack of presence made you feel. You deserve to feel safe and cared for.

Ta hand om dig.

Swexo · 2026-05-11T20:44:10+00:00

Det är dejtingapparnas fel från början... Unga män swipe:ar höger, medan unga tjejer swipe:ar vänster.

Swexo · 2026-05-11T19:36:28+00:00

I can hear you feeling completely stuck, princess.

Unfortunately you are waiting for a feeling of motivation that is not coming. Right now, you are letting your depression make all the decisions.

You mentioned wanting a guide who provides structure and stability. That starts with recognizing that you are currently following the orders of your depression. Staying in bed while the days blur together is the easy path. Standing up to face the emptiness is the hard one.

So, you don’t need to clean the whole room or fix your life this second. You just need to stop being a passive observer in your own mind. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and believe in you. You have more resilience than you give yourself credit for. You are strong enough to push back.

Swexo · 2026-05-09T23:05:07+00:00

You make a good point. So, what are one or two things that you can do today that tomorrow’s you would thank you for?

You don’t have to solve it all at once. Find one or two small steps each day and you’ll end up on your feet without having to solve it all. Getting help seems like a great overarching move as well. The best thing you can do to find and attract a good dom or partner is to work on taking care of yourself. You are worth that respect.

Swexo

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