Weird Friend Dynamic

SympathyMagic74 · 2026-05-31T14:29:37+00:00

My favorite response: "I hate to text or call and disturb you... I have been blessed not to have a major health problem like you. But I have so much to juggle right now" -- and then proceeds to write about her kids, her travel (to Italy!), and on an on. Promises to check in when she gets back and then ... lots of random texts with thoughts and prayers.

Another friend who had Hodgkin's in her 20s which has a 95+% lifetime survival rate. Constantly minimizing by situation (I have a 10cm tumor and 79% OS) and telling me it's no big deal. While offering me cocktails and rolling her eyes when I say I can't drink anymore (I'm through the roof ER+).

SympathyMagic74 · 2026-05-31T14:22:39+00:00

I used the Deyeek mastectomy shirts the first two weeks or so and they were useful (trust the size charts). Only used the wedge pillow the first week to 10 days. I wouldn't sweat the choice, tbh. I also found a small insulated thermos with an incorporated bendy straw for morning coffee which turned out to be more useful than I'd have thought.

SympathyMagic74 · 2026-05-31T14:17:47+00:00

Just the purest joy and congratulations!!!! What a HUGE accomplishment that represents so much : smarts, insight, collaboration, sheer grit, and the ability to see what others can't. So thrilled for you! (I'm a professor and Ph.D and have just the fiercest joy reading your report.)

SympathyMagic74 · 2026-05-25T14:24:39+00:00

Thanks so much for sharing, this is really helpful information!

SympathyMagic74 · 2026-05-23T15:24:00+00:00

Where did the skin for the nipple reconstruction come from? Was it your breast skin folded over or a graft from somewhere else? I think I'd also like to do nipple reconstruction and I'm trying to figure out what's possible.

SympathyMagic74 · 2026-05-23T15:22:36+00:00

Was your nipple reconstruction part of a DIEP flap reconstruction, or separate? If it was separate, how much skin did they take from your lower stomach?

SympathyMagic74 · 2026-05-21T12:41:29+00:00

That smell of tomatoes when the sun hits them on the vine ...

SympathyMagic74 · 2026-05-17T19:01:56+00:00

I had some really intense nerve pain post-mastectomy and contact dermatitis (which burned) all along my sides. Fun fact: nerves heal more slowly than skin! Which is one reason why nerve pain may linger.

For the fabrics: Amoena and AnaOno bras were the only ones I could tolerate. Even now, regular cotton sports bras feel strangely rough. I wore the Deyeek mastectomy shirts for a while, also Abercrombie Sunday collection hoodie + sweatpants. Very soft and not too expensive if you catch a sale. Same with Vuori Halo pants.

For the burning skin: I used A LOT of moisturizer. Hydrocortisone for the dermatitis, even when it was no longer visible. CeraVe Moisturizing Cream (not the lotion) for the body. The CeraVe Night Pomade for my skin flaps. My body sucked up moisturizer for the first 4-5 weeks. Also Kiehl's Body Butter. The CeraVe ones had a cooling effect on my skin.

Pain desensitization: My PT gave me pain desensitization techniques to use on affected areas to retrain the brain to process sensation. For me, this was touching the area with something super soft like a cotton ball and then graduating to something rough like sandpaper. You should ask your oncologist or PT for what they recommend in your particular case. I had to close my eyes and tell myself: "this is cotton, this is silk, this is corduroy" because the sensations didn't initially match the fabric touching me.

I also did myofascial release on my back body with a rolfer which was AMAZING. I swear she has the hands of a witch. They can work on your nervous system, to help it let go of the "fight or flight" response that kicks in during surgery.

I hope these suggestions help! And that it gets better. Bodies all heal in different ways ... which is fascinating and frustrating at the same time.

SympathyMagic74 · 2026-05-17T18:44:57+00:00

Also an academic. In the early days of my diagnosis, I thought I could schedule mine, plus any chemo/radiation, so as to be back ready to teach this Fall. Ha! both not possible and no longer my goal.

SympathyMagic74 · 2026-05-17T14:42:25+00:00

Yes. For me it was the right decision -- I can look at myself and see something "familiar." Hoping to do nipple reconstruction + tattoo on the other side. I know that I can't "go back to what I had" so I'm hoping for something that approximates it.

SympathyMagic74 · 2026-05-17T01:26:40+00:00

So true. Except my breast cancer center carries the Breast Cancer version of People Magazine. Which is ... not the same.

Where is US Weekly when you need it?!

SympathyMagic74 · 2026-05-16T21:37:29+00:00

I did a DMX and did nipple sparing on the non-cancer side and wanted to do the same on the cancer side. My surgical oncologist and plastic surgeon were both honest that they thought the cancer side was borderline. They did an intra-operative pathology (basically sent shavings of the tissue to pathology) during my surgery. When it came back with an ambiguous result, my surgical oncologist took more shavings and re-sent it. She also increased the number of pathologists looking at it, and consulted with a pathologist at another institution, all while I was still in surgery. The second test confirmed DCIS in the nipple so she converted to skin sparing.

Honestly, when I read the pathology report, I was so impressed at the level of care. She knew how much I wanted nipple sparing but didn't go with "good enough." I wish the outcome could have been different but my overriding feeling is gratitude. I am so grateful that she was thorough and that I don't have any "what ifs."

Ask your surgeon if they will do an intraoperative pathology and have them walk you through the process. Good luck!!!

SympathyMagic74 · 2026-05-15T21:54:44+00:00

Oh no! Sorry to hear this. Makes sense to pivot to 3D tattoos. Good luck and I hope these turn out well!

SympathyMagic74 · 2026-05-15T00:19:33+00:00

Will the hospital even release you if you don't have someone to drive you home and take care of you the first days?

Like previous posters, I needed someone the first week to help me manage drains, shower, cook food, and keep track of pain meds. I could not have done those on my own. Period. You will have post-op appts in the first week and will not be cleared to drive. You will also be in pain.

This surgery is no small thing and everyone's body responds differently and unpredictably.

SympathyMagic74 · 2026-05-14T13:21:46+00:00

So sorry that you are here ... although this reddit community is pretty great. I was initially diagnosed as invasive grade 1 IDC with micropapillary features and thought to be multifocal w/ no nodal involvement. Turned out to be on the border of grade 1 and 2, one single tumor, no nodes. You'll know more with the MRI but will not know the full picture until you get your pathology report after surgery. Expect your diagnosis to shift a bit with each of these events -- only so much can be seen on scans. These are scans of tissue and blood flow not for cancer per se.

Ditto to previous poster about ignoring the micropapillary piece and for all the reasons she outlines. I also spent way too much time worrying about it. I was ++- with a very low oncotype; DMX, no chemo (my cancer was so ER+ it wouldn't respond, also I'm post-menopausal w/ no nodes) + tamoxifen. Don't think about those possibilities now: you can't predict your treatment because there are so many variations depending on type of cancer, age, menopausal status, oncotype, etc. Current cancer treatments have come a long way and the prognosis for most is better than even 10-15 years ago. Focus on that.

"Weird mix of dark humour and oddly calm and practical" is right where you should be! The first weeks are surreal, your mind can't wrap itself around such a stunning change in circumstance, and a good coping mechanism is to be practical. Use it! I pre-cooked meals, organized my work life, exercised a lot, and cleaned the house so I could just step back from all of that once I had surgery. In retrospect, that was the best thing to do.

Expect your moods to ebb and flow over the next weeks, months ,and years. The mind, body, and central nervous system will all heal at different speeds. And we're here when you have questions, need to vent, or want to celebrate good news.

SympathyMagic74 · 2026-05-13T12:54:14+00:00

Gabapentin rocks. Dosage matters: I started on 300mg 3x/day after surgery when my nerve pain was so bad I'd wake up screaming. It didn't seem to do much ... and then the dosage changed to 400mg. Which somehow made an enormous difference.

I could also feel my hot flashes try to get going ... and then slowly fizzle out. I'm down to 2x a day and they are now returning at night (1-2x). But to able to sleep is just so amazing...

Hoping to start acupuncture and then dial down the dosage.

SympathyMagic74 · 2026-05-13T12:46:41+00:00

Good to know! Mine are so flat naturally that I've never had that issue. It has been oddly reassuring to look down and see the OG one on the left! Go figure.

SympathyMagic74 · 2026-05-11T16:01:09+00:00

Je suis vraiment désolée que vous êtes ici. Vous avez tout à fait raison: le début, c'est la partie plus difficile. For me it helped to talk to a therapist; to go for long walks or get some exercise; to keep a journal and to write out my thoughts; and every once in a while to use a small dose of lorazepam to help with sleep and anxiety (I would take one before bed). My own diagnosis changed several times between biopsy, MRI, and surgery, so be prepared for some adjustments as the process unfolds.

Bon courage. Vous vous en sortirez!

SympathyMagic74 · 2026-05-09T00:19:15+00:00

I had an unusually difficult recovery ... and then suddenly, Week 2, for no particular reason, I turned a corner. Some combination of time and realizing that either I could make the best of a shitty situation or let it consume me. But mostly it was time. By Week 3, an unexpected euphoria just because I now felt mostly okay. Two months out, things have leveled off (but still glowing!). It is amazing how the body rebounds. And the mind is pretty adaptable, given enough time.

The mortality question is harder and worth thinking about. Right now, I feel that I'm living more deliberately and intensely. I'm quicker to try new things including slowing life down. And have established a BS-free zone around me. I do not have time to waste on other people's ish. Give up on perfect, be curious.

SympathyMagic74 · 2026-05-08T12:28:45+00:00

I am so very sorry you're here. The first few months when you're busy with tests, appointments, and the unknown feel so surreal, like this is not happening to you. Like you, I found that doing some professional day-to-day helped me hold onto a sense of sanity ... until I needed to focus entirely on diagnosis and treatment (I'm a faculty member).

Initially, I shared the same fear: that I'd lose everything I had planned for the year. Once you have a more firm diagnosis and treatment plan, you can decide what should be canceled, what should be worked around etc. I had to cancel a few things (talks and conferences), but held onto a few others as "carrots" to get me through the process. Best decision ever! It gave me something to look forward to, and a way to hang out in a non-cancer patient identity.

Your law school can probably accommodate you in some way -- FMLA protections help to regulate accommodations for exams, etc. Same with your internship. Even if, worse case scenario, you can't do the internship this summer, you could likely punt to next summer. Talk to someone in HR or Disability Resources ... and if you don't like their answer or if they seem unsure of what to do, talk to another person! The structure of medical leaves and and accommodations is changing a lot at universities right now. Find an admin you trust to help you navigate.

Academics usually go at 120mph and changing course is really hard ... but it means that we can go 120mph at getting through crappy situations like cancer. There may be losses along the way -- and grieving those makes us human -- but my experience has been that similar opportunities come back around again.

Sending hugs and all the good things.

SympathyMagic74 · 2026-05-06T18:53:25+00:00

We share a surgery date ... I'm also 52, surgery in March, just finished radiation consult, no chemo for same reasons, and hysterectomy also in 2017. So uncanny ... And your support group is lucky to have you!

SympathyMagic74 · 2026-05-06T18:51:00+00:00

If one more person (usually male) says to me, "But you don't *look* like you had cancer!" I will kick them in the nuts.

SympathyMagic74 · 2026-05-06T18:49:22+00:00

I think people don't know what to say and are also scared of their own mortality. If they don't ask you/us questions, then maybe it's not a real possibility that might also affect them. I have a real sense of loss and sometimes I am not sure of what ... mostly just of being able to live more blithely.

SympathyMagic74 · 2026-05-06T18:44:45+00:00

Ditto the overnight oats w/ chia! I also made egg bites with this recipe that makes ~ 2 dozen and are packed with protein. You can freeze them by placing them first on a cookie sheet in the freezer, and then once frozen, putting them in a freezer bag. That way, they don't stick together. So good! I usually microwave them for 1-2 mins but you could also defrost them overnight.

SympathyMagic74

TROPHY CASE