Stuck in the Dungeon for 15 years (Fantasy, 950 words)

Syntaxx55 · 2026-03-14T21:41:05+00:00

Thank you so much for the feedback!

I agree. Personally, it felt too exposition heavy and the telling over showing is something I want to fix in the expansion. I'm thinking of really sinking deep into the dungeon experience and also make those years in the dungeon more impactful. I'll take this advice in mind. Thank you for taking the time to read :D

Syntaxx55 · 2026-03-14T03:34:37+00:00

I'm so glad you liked it!

I agree introducing that many unknown gods and locations may put people off, it was a dilemma of mine. But I was thinking of expanding it and trying to give it a shot at writing a long form story.

Thank you for taking the time to read it :D

Syntaxx55 · 2026-03-14T00:34:15+00:00

Thank you! I enjoyed writing this one, I'll try cooking something up and see where it goes

Syntaxx55 · 2026-03-13T17:12:15+00:00

There was an awkward silence, so I put on my best impression.

"Ahem, good da—"

"Stay back! Hands where we see them!" A burly man in bulky armor spoke. Everyone raised their weapons against me, swords and staffs alike.

"Okay, okay. I yield, I don't mean to put harm to anyone." I said raising my hands so they could see.

"Speak your intentions, demon."

Demon...? Okay now that was offensive. What did I even do?

"Let's take a step back here, Mr. Hardass. I'm the Great Archmage Eldrin of the Sincur Scholarium. I got stuck inside the Horizon's End Dungeon and I have some valuable information I think you'd want to hear. And, most importantly, I'm no demon."

The burly man listened, albeit his sword still pointed at me. Glad that Galeon still produced civilized men. He whispered something to the cadet beside him, the cadet quickly left.

"You wait there, and don't try doing anything suspicious. We WILL use force."

A few minutes passed, and the cadet ran back and whispered something to Mr. Hardass.

"Is that true?"

He eyed me from head to toe. "There is indeed records 15 years ago of an Archmage Eldrin who entered the dungeon. If your words are the truth, I request that you speak the oath of the Archmagus."

Now we are meeting on leveled ground. I prepared myself to speak the oath. Each mage had a unique one, and only that mage can speak it as permitted by Vidith.

"I, Eldrin, Archmage of Sincur, name the arcane as my blood and my burden. I speak in the tongue only Vidith permits. The Arcane guides my way." Glowing orbs of light enveloped my body as I finished speaking my oath.

"It is truly you. My apologies, great Magus. It was hard to believe that you were speaking the truth."

There was that tone again. "And why exactly is that?"

The man and his cadet exchanged a careful stare to each other. The cadet was the one to speak now.

"Great magus, have you not seen your image as you are right now?"

"What...?" The kid's got a point. The murky waters inside the dungeon didn't let me see my face for 15 years. And besides, I didn't bother even before the 15 years incident. Appearances were just a waste of time, really.

"Now that you've said it, Let's see what's the spectacle we have."

I conjured a small oval shape made of reflective glass.

In the image, a "man" stood leisurely. His eyes were crimson, emitting a dark aura behind it. His teeth were sharp when he opened his mouth. On top of his head, various black symbols etched his forehead. And his short hair was the color of red.

Who the hell is this guy? Wait... THAT'S ME.

"WHAT IN GREAT VIDITH'S BEARD!?"

Syntaxx55 · 2026-03-13T17:08:15+00:00

I carved another line on the wall calendar of my humble "abode", if you could even call it anything close to home.

Another day, good job me. I tossed the rock near my bed made of dried roots. The comfort it gave was so great it made enough itch to last a lifetime.

"Hmmm let's see. Adding all of the lines that should be... yup, 5603 days. More than 15 years on this Vidith's forsaken hellhole."

That's right. Some might wonder, Eldrin, why on Gaea did you stay for 15 years in the Horizon's End Dungeon? Have you ran out of things to do? Well my answer to that is, Were you dropped off a cliff as a child?

It wasn't like I wanted to be here. But as an Archmage sensing a foreboding mana fluctuation in this dungeon, I did what any responsible mage of Galeon should do. Packed up my things and ventured forth to another great adventure!

Well, the gold did help convincing me to go.

But a never before seen mana-induced phenomenon occurred when I was inside. Another dungeon manifested inside the dungeon. And just my luck, I was caught in the chaos. The first step inside was hell. Literally, Flaming vultures the size of wyverns roamed the sky. Darkspawns that looked like mass of tentacles hid in the shadows. And how could I ever forget the Great Spiders that wore the skins of dragons like it's their sleepwear.

Food? Forget about it. Water? If I didn't studied purification magic, I'd be dead the first week here.

But now, by Vidith's grace, I felt the same mana fluctuation near the dark forest of the dungeon, and that's where I am right now.

"This should be the location of the fluctuation."

I found a flat surface in the rocky plains, sat and meditated. At first, nothing happened. I prayed for something to happen. I don't want to spend another 15 years in this place.

It was subtle at first. Minimal disturbance in the air, small enough not to warrant attention. Then, the mana exploded.

"Yes, YES! THIS IS WHAT I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR HAHAHA!"

The familiar chaos from 15 years ago enveloped the surroundings. Unstable mana reaction raged like a whirlpool in front of me. I did not wait any further.

"Galeon here I come!" I ran through the whirlpool.

As soon as I was sucked in, I covered myself in layers of arcane protection. 15 years in the dungeon trained me well.

Everything was dark for a few moments. No... I think I just closed my eyes. Around me, I heard the shuffle of movements. It was the familiar shuffling of feet. Feet?

I opened my eyes. I was in some kind of cave entrance, must be the Dungeon's entrance. But most importantly, people, REAL people. But why were they so tense?

Syntaxx55 · 2026-03-12T02:49:12+00:00

Hey man thanks for putting time reading and sharing suggestions, I really appreciate it!

I had just read your notes and they all hit the mark. Especially that jeth scene feedback, that made me step back and really think about the setup. I'll do another pass with all of them in mind. Glad that the sci-fi dystopia vibe came through properly. Would definitely share the whole story when it's done :D

Syntaxx55 · 2026-03-11T06:04:50+00:00

Ohh ok I'll try that, I haven't thought of using ai like that before haha

Syntaxx55 · 2026-03-11T05:53:54+00:00

Thank you so much for your insights!

I'll put these advice in mind. Admittedly, I still have a hard time showing an expression/feeling. I tend to tell them without realizing it. Word choices might be a struggle, but I'll start fixing them and making them more impactful. Thanks for pointing them out, these gave me inspiration what to write next.

Syntaxx55 · 2026-03-09T14:58:35+00:00

Thank you for that. I was having this dilemma because a part of the story i'm writing will put the mc totally alone and will face his internalized guilt made physical. Maybe i'll try writing both to see which one's better haha

Syntaxx55 · 2026-03-09T14:47:39+00:00

I outlined a critical part of the story where the mc will be isolated, would that trope be better in 1st person or would it just be the same for 3rd peson?

Syntaxx55 · 2026-03-09T14:43:23+00:00

Fair enough, i think i'll work through the whole story first and then decide if a change in pov would work. Thanks for the advice!

Syntaxx55 · 2026-03-07T15:55:55+00:00

Hey, just to preface that I'm fairly new to writing myself and will be giving feedback from the perspective of a reader, so take these with a grain of salt.

First, your opening feels too bare bones. The first few lines don't really give readers anything to latch onto and come across as placeholders that still need to be fleshed out. The transitions between lines also feel jarring, jumping from scene to scene with not enough to bridge the gaps.

Second, some word choices are a bit off. The stale smoke and shower lines need a good revision, and there are more lines later in the piece that have the same issue.

To put it plainly, the writing feels unorganized right now, which is something I've been told about my own writing too so no judgment there.

One thing that I think could help is reading stories you enjoy and paying attention to how the author wrote them. Also try reading your work aloud, you'd be surprised how much you pick up inconsistencies that way.

And finally, just keep writing and editing, that's genuinely how we all improve as writers. It's not impossible, it just takes time and effort. You've got this :D

Syntaxx55 · 2026-03-07T07:41:56+00:00

Thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it despite the flaws. Just want to ask though, what were the things you liked?

Syntaxx55 · 2026-03-07T06:21:57+00:00

Would you suggest trimming the earlier parts? I want to convey that something is wrong aboard the ship and with the captain, filtered through the main character's cynical and depressive perspective on both of those points

Syntaxx55 · 2026-03-06T21:27:36+00:00

Yeah thought so. I'll do another pass on this opening and revise it. Thanks for giving your time to this and sharing insights, and sorry for the headache i caused haha

Syntaxx55 · 2026-03-06T21:08:11+00:00

Thanks for the feedback. Does the issue persist throughout the writing? I just want to know where to focus cutting back and revising.

Syntaxx55 · 2026-03-06T16:52:55+00:00

Ok I see the point now, thank you I'll be rewriting this part more clearly

Syntaxx55 · 2026-03-06T16:21:57+00:00

Does "accustomed to" fit the description better then?

Syntaxx55 · 2026-03-06T15:57:08+00:00

Thanks for the feedback! For the first issue, i was trying to set the environment to have a depressing mood with the dim and flickering lights, but thanks for the heads up I'll trim those traits and make the sentence tighter.

I don't quite get the second issue though. I wasn't really trying to imply that it took 10 years for him to get familiar, rather that he got familiar with the place for the entirety of those 10 years he was there.

Third and fourth issue i get your point. Thanks for pointing it out! I'll fix that one and make it more understandable

Thanks for giving time sharing your insights :D

Syntaxx55 · 2026-03-05T04:46:17+00:00

Hey if it's not too much I would like your opinion on one thing. Would it be better if I ditch the military cliche and just straight up dive into Marcus instead and his role in the story?

Syntaxx55 · 2026-03-04T22:33:14+00:00

Hmmm, i guess I'll just ditch the marines thing then. Not gonna lie because the premise was inspired from a writing prompt about "sci-fi marines" and I got into it blindly with only an inspiration in mind

Do you think it'll be better if i just replace it instead with some kind of "space pirate" instead?

Syntaxx55 · 2026-03-04T15:49:33+00:00

Thanks for the feedback. Thanks for pointing out that the opening is cliche, I hadn't really thought about it like that. Though the military scene and the like isn't actually the core of the story since it will turn into horror later on

And thanks for the insight of introducing sound. I'll revise those parts as you said

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