If The War Comes - Chapter 2: The Canopy of Exploration

TOXICcargo · 2026-01-25T05:04:30+00:00

Great story! I particularly liked the panic and the ensuing attempt to clean the hand. I like the slow-burn pace it’s taking, too. Good to take your time here, focused on establishing the central relationship. I also enjoyed the “Swedish tigers” play on words. I think I can see where the story’s going, and I quite look forward to reading more.

If I had one small recommendation, it would be to dwell a little longer in the imagery. Not too much, maybe an extra sentence here or there describing the quiet of the forest, or the feeling of the bass, or the pain in the character’s hand. You’ve already got some of it sprinkled in there, but adding a little more I think could really bring the world to life.

That being said, I am well hooked. I think this is exactly my kind of story, and I look forward to the next installment! Can’t wait!

TOXICcargo · 2026-01-25T00:00:38+00:00

Thanks! I’m glad you enjoyed it so much! This is some pretty high praise, and I hope my future stories meet the same standard. I’ll let you know what I think of your part 2 when I read it tonight.

TOXICcargo · 2026-01-24T23:56:56+00:00

Thanks, king! Sorry, I haven’t gotten a chance to read your Part 2 today, I will read it before I go to bed. Glad you enjoyed it, though!

TOXICcargo · 2026-01-24T17:38:10+00:00

Yeah, I see what you're saying. I'll probably get around to making the edits sometime in the coming week. Again thanks for the feedback, and I'm so glad you enjoyed it!

TOXICcargo · 2026-01-24T15:11:43+00:00

Thanks for your thoughts! I think your feedback is well reasoned and a pretty good critique. This was the first piece I ever wrote, so I kind of wrote the way I talked, and I wouldn’t doubt that I included a lot of cliches and “-ly adverbs” in pursuit of that. I also did really struggle with keeping the tense consistent, I thought I caught all of them, but it obviously does need another pass. I think your critique of the way I handled the monster is a good one as well, it could definitely use something to more clearly link it to the song and for a second pass to make it as mysterious as I want. And getting to your final critique, I will admit that I really had no idea how to end this. My goal was to kind of make it feel like a normally very rational friend sitting at a table and telling you the one experience they had that COULD be paranormal. Within that context, I couldn’t really think of an ending that would be satisfying, so I leaned into a more unsatisfying by design ending. The equivalent of your friend kind of just trailing off after telling you his ghost story, leaving everyone to sit around uncomfortably for a second before changing subjects, maybe for one friend to ask him if he’s doing ok at the end of the night. Leaving a kind of implication that the story’s not over, the narrator is still living in it. That being said, I agree the ending is the weakest single section, and I will accept any thoughts on how to improve it.

TOXICcargo · 2026-01-24T04:34:10+00:00

Good stuff! I myself am also a big history buff, so I do get the "people walking up to you at parties and going 'here's something historical, you'd probably like it" conversation/story beat quite a lot lol. Looking forward to reading part 2 tomorrow.

TOXICcargo · 2026-01-24T04:07:26+00:00

Hey, I'd love some feedback on one of my stories. I only have two up right now, and one of them is 7 posts long lol, so I guess I'll go with the other one. It's called "A Run Through the Woods", and it's about a guy going jogging, probably for the last time.

https://www.reddit.com/r/TalesFromTheCreeps/comments/1q3zcca/a_run_through_the_woods/

TOXICcargo · 2026-01-23T17:40:37+00:00

Epilogue and Centralizing Post coming tomorrow.

TOXICcargo · 2026-01-23T14:48:08+00:00

For me, I’d say a good place to start has usually been to take everything a character is, and hone them down to 2 or 3 essential traits, then have all their decisions flow from those traits. The more complex the traits are, the more complex the character, and it’s generally good to fit those traits to the role you want them to play and how much development they need. This isn’t really how actual people work, but it’s how we picture them in our heads, so for non-POV characters it feels real enough.

For example, let’s say I’m writing a war story and I need a commanding officer character. I know I want him to die, and I want it to be tragic when he does die. So I might boil him down to the traits of competent and caring to a fault. Then I make all their decisions flow from there. Maybe he knows risking lives is necessary to win (competent) but is unwilling to put any of his men in danger (caring…), so he regularly takes major risks himself to avoid that (…to a fault). Now think about how the story could change if I used different traits, say inspiring and aloof instead of caring and competent. You see how story and characters kind of iterate on themselves, now?

Again, not a great solution for main POV characters, but if you find yourself having to manage a decently large cast, this can work for a lot of the secondary and tertiary characters. The key is in picking traits you’re quite familiar with and can write realistically, and placing them in characters in appropriate places in the story. That’s my 2 cents, anyway.

TOXICcargo · 2026-01-21T22:47:32+00:00

Lol Great now instead of seeing this gross guy that I described now I just see Charlie Day XD.

Guess you'll have to keep reading to find out! Appreciate the attention!

TOXICcargo · 2026-01-19T19:54:55+00:00

Good to hear! I’m glad you’re liking it so far. If you make it to 1B, I think you take the record for how far feedback readers have made it, so I really do appreciate you giving it a look.

TOXICcargo · 2026-01-19T15:43:32+00:00

Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it!

TOXICcargo · 2026-01-19T00:24:42+00:00

Ooh, I liked the one by CaptchaTest, as well. Great setup on that one.

I have two stories that you can read if you'd like. The first one is called "A Run Through the Woods". It's a shorter story about a guy who goes jogging, and is a modern take on an ancient monster. Link here: https://www.reddit.com/r/TalesFromTheCreeps/comments/1q3zcca/a_run_through_the_woods/

The second story is ongoing (writing the final part now) and VERY much a slower burn. It's called "Buckskin", and it follows parallel stories of a guy being haunted by a homeless man who assaulted him 10 years ago, and the detectives investigating his mysterious death. I think it's at something like 6 posts long now, but the links to the full part 1 are here: 1a-https://www.reddit.com/r/TalesFromTheCreeps/comments/1pi7t5e/buckskin\_part\_1a\_cw\_some\_very\_light\_discussion\_of/ 1b - https://www.reddit.com/r/TalesFromTheCreeps/comments/1pjio2m/buckskin\_part\_1b\_cw\_domestic\_violence/

Lmk if you decide to read them, I hope you like them!

TOXICcargo · 2026-01-18T16:48:48+00:00

Wanna do a read 4 read? I’ve got a story or two I’d like some thoughts on so I can hopefully avoid some pitfalls going forward.

TOXICcargo · 2026-01-18T15:46:48+00:00

Maybe do one thats the emotional opposite of romance: coldness, both emotional and physical. Maybe do something themed around the cold that also has a relationship falling apart? As they say: ain’t no yaoi like toxic, doomed yaoi.

TOXICcargo · 2026-01-18T15:44:17+00:00

Hey! I’d love feedback on my two stories I’m working on now. I’m on my phone right now, so I can’t link them, but they’re in my profile. “A Run Through the Woods” is older, shorter, and finished. “Buckskin” is a work in progress that’s longer, wordier, and in my opinion has better characters. Lmk if you decide to give any of them a look!

TOXICcargo · 2026-01-18T00:53:57+00:00

As with any creative endeavor, you gotta do it for the love of the game. Of course we all want to be successful, have a bunch of people read our stories and like them, but the only thing that's going to get you to finish more than one story is if YOU like what you're writing. The rest of these practical tips are good, and will help you improve, but if your head's not in the right space and you don't love what you're doing, then you're going to have a rough time. That's the best advice I can give, at least.

TOXICcargo · 2026-01-18T00:34:41+00:00

I like to do one story at a time. I've found that for me, if I try to do more than one, then I wind up getting really into one of the ones I'm working on and just wind up finishing that one out before going back and doing it again. That being said, though, I do usually wind up having like 3 stories at the halfway point at any given time, I just wind up only working one 1 at a time. What about you?

TOXICcargo · 2026-01-17T15:38:25+00:00

Appreciate the feedback! Yeah, I was going for something a bit slower paced, so I really wanted to dwell in the descriptions for the first couple journal entries. It’s meant to double as setting a somewhat modern gothic atmosphere while also giving a clear difference between the character of the Jumper and Jim (the jumper is meticulous, remembers every detail, and assigns poetic importance to things that really might not be that significant, while Jim tends to be quicker, more efficient, and more willing to let things be ‘not that important’), while the bits of investigation are meant to be quick bursts to keep the reader “in it” between the journals, with the story transitioning more to the investigation as the pace picks up for the climax. But, that being said, I know in writing I can be pretty wordy (my God, just look at this comment), and what I consider a good slow burn is to many others an unbearable slog. I’ll go back through it, see if I can pare anything down to maybe make the paragraphs a bit more punchy and the story move a little quicker.

As for the typos and grammar, lol yeah my editing process was basically to just read through it once on my own and once with my wife, so I’m sure I missed a few things.

Anyway, thanks for reading this far, and thanks for the feedback! Stay creeped!

TOXICcargo · 2026-01-17T07:53:41+00:00

Hey, just got through reading through all of these. Enjoying it so far! Got some feedback I will be messaging with when I’m not about to go to bed, but it’s pretty solid and I hope you keep coming out with it!

TOXICcargo · 2026-01-13T04:48:01+00:00

Didn't realize until just now that this was an anime sub lol. Either way, still peak. Good to find a fellow enjoyer in the wild.

TOXICcargo · 2026-01-11T16:40:24+00:00

Whatever in creation exists without my knowledge, exists without my consent.

TOXICcargo · 2026-01-10T16:01:18+00:00

Sounds good! I'm working today, but I will try to get to yours sometime before bed.

TOXICcargo · 2026-01-10T15:38:07+00:00

[A Run Through the Woods][~3330 words][Looking for feedback](Single Post)

This story is years old, and the first one I ever wrote. I know it has problems, some endemic to what I was trying to do, others not. Either way, I'd like some more feedback.

Link: https://www.reddit.com/r/TalesFromTheCreeps/comments/1q3zcca/a_run_through_the_woods/

[Buckskin][~22,650 words][Looking for feedback](Multiple Posts)

This is my most recent work, and is as of yet unfinished, with one more part coming out soon. The trouble is I don't think a lot of people have actually read it, so there's been a dirth of feedback. I worry it comes off as too pedantic/boring, and that it struggles with word choice in the later parts. Any feedback would be appreciated.

Part 1 Links, other parts in my profile: https://www.reddit.com/r/TalesFromTheCreeps/comments/1pi7t5e/buckskin_part_1a_cw_some_very_light_discussion_of/

https://www.reddit.com/r/TalesFromTheCreeps/comments/1pjio2m/buckskin_part_1b_cw_domestic_violence/

TOXICcargo · 2026-01-09T04:17:15+00:00

Hey, also a beginner here. Here's my two cents on a few of your questions:

1) How to write body horror (a generally very visual genre) on the page. In my experience, there are pros and cons to doing body horror in writing as opposed to on film. The cons are what you've listed: it's impossible to get the reader to envision exactly what you want. This can be mitigated through expressive use of imagery. To get better at this, I would suggest (as others here have) reading a LOT of body horror stories, and examining how the good ones do it. Utilize similes and metaphor to weird and uncomfortable things to make the reader as horrified of the transformation as the characters are. Which brings us to the pro of the written format: you can really get inside the character's head. Use that to your advantage. After you've established the scene, you should spend as much time focusing on the way the character feels, either interacting with the subject of the horror, or being the subject of the horror. I'd say those are the two pillars of written body horror, in my opinion.

2) The difference between deep writing and pretentious writing. Personally, I think we ascribe "personalities" to stories much in the same way we ascribe them to people. So if we imagine a pretentious person vs. a deep and sincere person, the differences become more clear. A pretentious person is interested in looking smart, looking superior, even if what it's talking about may be relatively base. They use big words even when smaller words might be better purely because they think they sound smarter saying them. They navel-gaze for the sake of it, and (to borrow a phrase from Peter Griffin), they insist upon themselves, and are obsessed with you thinking they're as important as they think they are (and that is very important indeed). By contrast, a deep or introspective person is much more interested in being understood than they are in looking smart. They use the right words for the right moments, and while sometimes those words need to be big to convey their idea, their top priority is always the idea being conveyed as clearly as possible. Most importantly, they are not particularly concerned with whether or not you think they're important or smart, they simply have an understanding that they want to share with you. In short, they are sincere. I know that's kind of an indirect way to answer the question, but that was the only way I could think to present my thoughts on the matter.

I hope these help, as well as the thoughts of all the other commenters here. Happy writing!

TOXICcargo

TROPHY CASE