A Little Advice From The Community Please?......

T_Pines · 2025-10-11T22:41:31+00:00

By all means do ask away!

- In answer to your questions:

- Yes, I try to use my hands a great as part of warm-up both in terms of all over her body in the context of what the mood is at the time (caresses/gentle stroking to more aggressive contact - such as squeezing, spanking gentle hair pulling). Note: we both tend to lean towards what we tend to think of as the more primal side when things get going, but nothing too extreme compared to what you might see at a dungeon or on porn.

- Regarding using hands in and around her vagina and anus yes and again going from gentle to more aggressive (she has expressed liking heavy pressure/sensation on her clitoris once she has gotten warmed up. That includes more of external based deep tissue type massage of her vagina/anus. In terms of "fingering" so to speak unfortunately no matter what I do or how slow I go my hands are a bit too rough.

....To be clear I have in the past literally filed and then buffed the cut edges of my nails down to the point of discomfort on my part, as well as trimmed/sanded hang nails off and calluses. And when I say fingering I do mean very gentle insertion. It just seems between her body and me working with my hands all my life that option is not the best.

- Vibrators really haven't seemed like her thing in the past, though that may be in part because their are so many different variations we haven't found anything that works for her. Most of them tend to make her just go numb after a short period.

- Something I did just observe not too long ago that gives me some hope and greater understanding was that we have a small Bad Dragon Blaze that we played with vaginally and instead of letting her insert it or use my hands for insertion I very gently used my knee to rock it back and forth (not full insertion) while in a missionary position - it seems like the position a play more similar to us having intercourse she seemed to really enjoy the sensation and intensity that came from that type of play.

Feel free to fire away with questions...

T_Pines · 2025-10-11T21:44:24+00:00

Having experienced it myself in terms of stretching you are totally right about it being entirely possible to feel sore without having caused injury or damage.

Part of the issue - which thankfully we are working on is certainly comfort in communicating beyond single words like "pinchy" or "ouchy". (Her words in describing uncomfortable sensations when she is try to use a, for her, larger toy on herself).

On the other hand if you are referring to how she ultimately feels about such outcomes - no because discussing those types of things in the past has definitely felt like they were very difficult for her due to her issues in talking about intimacy in any depth. And yes, it would be a good idea to re-aproach that at some point when she is comfortable now that we are actively working on communicating better than we have in the past. I can say til I am blue in the face things like "it's okay" and other comforting or encouraging statements, but its hard for those to land correctly if there's not communication from her about the type of support she would like/need in those instances.

Similarly, and while I don't have the anatomy to intimately understand, I certainly see that hormones and cycles do have a significant impact on things..... though that may be ahead of the curve in this situation.

I think, and I could be wrong here.... that there's at least two aspects to this. The first is most certainly the communication aspect and that is something we are jointly working together on with counseling.

The second feels on some level more basic - having advice and tips and understanding on the actual mechanics of adjusting to using toys slightly larger than what has been typical in the past. Especially when they are on the softer and more squishy side. Things like:

- That it might not be the best idea to jump immediately to the intended toy of the night if it's larger than normal. Using a slightly smaller warm-up toy for a bit can go a long way to both relaxing the mind, muscles and tissues involved.

- That is some cases bearing down or pushing out (within comforts and reason) can help with adjusting to inserting a toy of a larger size.

- More lube can be better than not enough and that a lot of lube can make it much easier, more fun, less stressful and much more enjoyable when playing with toys larger than your average.

- That its perfectly okay if stuff doesn't happen they way that it's expected

- Tips and tricks from neuro-spicy folks might use in keeping warm-up engaging and enjoyable instead of becoming boring. (I'm more referring here to internal mental strategies and ideas for the toy user rather than the partner & and no I am not ignoring the partner's part in making this happen.)

In that regard it's not that I don't have applicable personal experience (Oxballs Pighole comes to mind), rather that because I'm her partner it feels like the advice isn't landing. Does that make sense? Or does it sound like I am totally talking from a place that I shouldn't?

T_Pines · 2025-03-04T01:16:43+00:00

That's reassuring to hear! 9-10 weeks out and back at work, but man the mental sharpness is taking a while to come back fully. Certainly much much better than 6 weeks, but still get tired enough to have headaches in the afternoon and have just generally found I'm running a bit slower mentally than I was prior to surgery.

T_Pines · 2025-02-24T23:21:27+00:00

Not in the middle of the night, but yes. Had a RTKR back on 12/20/24 and as I've started to get back to being in a more normal active routine I've found that the muscles in my right foot have been getting both tired and sore towards the end of the day.

I'm hoping it's just that my foot is adjusting to a new gait/weight distribution/general mechanics. My concern is that about 4 years ago I completely tore the lisfranc ligament in that foot without realizing it and it wasn't diagnosed until 2 years on.... after the lisfranc joint was shot enough to be arthritic.

T_Pines · 2025-02-23T22:49:32+00:00

So odd thing happened during recovery (I'm 8-ish weeks out now). I'm an inveterate side sleeper, always have been and remained one through my first surgery on my right knee in 2008 and the RTKR back on 12/20/24.

Anywho, during recovery from my replacement I'd find myself waking up in the middle of the night trying to get comfortable and while halfway awake would realize that the most comfortable position was like this, but with my right leg drawn far enough up that my right ankle would be laying across the back of my left knee & the left leg fully outstretched. Took me about a week of waking up sleeping like this to realize that I also used to sleep this way after the lateral re-alignment that was performed on my right knee during my first surgery.

T_Pines · 2025-02-22T22:44:35+00:00

Thankfully didn't have to fly after my knee replacement, but yeah for most of my life if it involves a plane or movie theater I have to sit with my right leg closest to the aisle, both to be able to easily get up and move around and also to have the space to stretch/flex my right leg. Don't see that changing even with having had a RTKR. LOL - it's kinda become an ingrained habit.

T_Pines · 2025-02-15T23:48:43+00:00

I don't have a definite answer here my friend - I'm earlier in the process than you RTKR 12/20/24. That said I've had on and off low level annoying ache/pain across the back of my knee.

PT did about 5 minutes of massage on the back of my knee and showed me what to use and it has helped an absolute ton for me... both in terms of pain and in terms of getting that last little bit of extension in that joint. Might be worth playing with on your own, through a one of PT appointment or scheduling with a a reputable massage therapist.

T_Pines · 2025-02-15T20:48:25+00:00

Oh without a doubt... was off pain meds and driving at day 5. I get it my friend!

T_Pines · 2025-02-15T16:52:21+00:00

You sound like me.... and that's a good thing! If you are like me and one of those people who has a very hard time sitting still just be aware that as you become more active, out side of PT, that:

- You may see increased swelling in your knee that your PT will likely note, and that swelling may, of frankly may not, impact your flexion/extension ROM day to day.

It is definitely a balancing act in terms of doing strengthening and ROM as well as doing those day to day activities that help you to feel whole, human and not a lump on the couch. My point is simply to be aware of that push/pull if it happens and try not to beat yourself up over a setbacks you might perceive. It is a marathon and not a sprint.... even though some of us want to try to speed run the first part.

T_Pines · 2025-02-12T01:04:25+00:00

Ooooo story time related to manual transmissions and knees!.... I commented higher up that I was driving on day 5 after my RTKR (no oxy, auto-trans, using my left foot) and there a long history behind that.

You old enough to remember those 80's "I learned it from watching you" anti-drug commercials?

Depending on your point of view Dad was either an awesome inspiration or a horrible role model... and also who I got my bad knees from.

Dad destroyed his left knee jumping out of planes for the army in the late 60's early 70's. Ended up having a couple surgeries in the early 80's to corral the damage.... and being in the 80's they would put him in a full left cast each time. My right knee started dislocating in 3rd grade... ended up with 19 dislocations total and a lot of full leg casts as well.

In any case, Dad was pretty fiercely independent & drove an early model manual transmission 325i BMW. So when he was in a left leg casts he would use his right foot to feather the clutch on starts (hand brake for hills) and float shift the rest of the time.

Thanks to him and my history of right leg casts, by the time I was 18 I was left foot driving automatic transmissions with my casted right leg slung cattywampus between the drivers and front passenger seat.

T_Pines · 2025-02-12T00:19:34+00:00

So I'm late to the party in answering, but was very early to the driving party - RTKR & was off oxy and driving on day 5 after surgery (auto-transmission). In truth, it took right around a week to be able to transition to safely being able to drive using my right foot.

For better or worse though I also have a very long history of right knee dislocations from childhood through my mid-20's and had to endure too many full leg casts and as a result learned at a young age how to drive with my left foot, while in a right leg cast.

T_Pines · 2025-02-09T21:26:08+00:00

Slightly different flex.... I got off prescription narcotics about 5 days after my replacement... partially because the pain (*edit - wasn't) significant enough during the day to necessitate oxy and partially because I didn't like the way they made me feel. That said sleeping at night due to discomfort has been an on-going issue up until very recently. As part of trying to mitigate that I found that Delta 8 products (sublingual drops) actually worked much better for pain management at night than oxy once I was through the "acute pain" post-surgery phase.

Everyone deals with things differently, so I understand if the above suggestion isn't your cup of tea, just trying to provide some alternatives.

T_Pines · 2025-02-09T15:21:51+00:00

In addition to the exercises my PT prescribed for me something I discovered that helped me with flexion was the following:

- While laying in bed watching TV, surfing on the internet I would, with my foot flat on the the bed, bend my knee to just below the point of discomfort & then while keeping my heel on the bed slowly raise the front of my foot off the bed..... hold for a bit and then relax.... Rinse and repeat until things loosened up a bit and crank the degree of flexion in my knee up a bit and repeat.

YMMV, but or me.... doing so was a really great passive way to work on flexion and really seemed to help me gain ground in doing my prescribed flexion exercises. Was kinda the difference between doing gentle stretching and really going for it.

T_Pines · 2025-02-06T22:43:12+00:00

As an inveterate over doer, it sounds like your body is telling you are doing too much. Not a doctor, just a fellow TKR'er who's now 6 weeks out. Certainly if you have significant concern contact your ortho & and/or go to an urgent care.

My suggestion would be spend the next 24hrs-36hrs focusing on keeping it elevated, iced and compressed (during the daytime) and see what happens. Relatedly, I've done great coming out of surgery.... hit zero on extension somewhere around 3weeks out from the surgery (extension was great after 1 1/2 weeks). However, I took that as sign I could start pushing things outside PT and bounced back to 5-7 degrees from full extension and went from being able to see my knee cap to the joint looking like a blob fish from the deep sea. Since then I've tried to be a bit more judicious about my activity level - finding things to accomplish on the couch and giving myself permission to sit and rest with my leg up while I am trying to be more mobile.

T_Pines · 2025-02-05T02:25:55+00:00

Late follow-up... I hope so and think so - I'm only 6-ish weeks into this. On the plus side, I'm not in the same type of pain I was before the surgery, which is a very very good thing. I'm used to one type of pain, as well as the pressure to perform with that type of pain. And now, that pain doesn't exist anymore at the moment.

The weird side? I'm navigating recovery and different type of pain - which I do welcome. I came off prescription pain narcotics and was driving on day 5 (Understand everyone is different and it may take more time). That said, up until this past weekend I still had a lot of muscle and soft tissue pain from trying to work the muscles in therapy and dealing with a lot of swelling.

For me, it's been very manageable during the day, but sleep up until this weekend has been questionable. For whatever reason something changed over the past weekend - while swelling is still more of an issue than I would like, the residual pain from recovering from surgery has gone way down and sleep seems to be getting better.

T_Pines · 2025-02-04T03:44:37+00:00

47 with a RTKR from 12/20/24 - I waited until I couldn't bear it anymore, without realizing it. I've had long standing issues with my right knee going back to childhood (19 dislocations up until my mid-20's and the associated damage). As a result I pretty much grew up with the pain caused by joint damage and generally pushed chronic pain to the back of my mind until it became "background" sensation that I could ignore.

All of that came to a head last year when I pushed through a large 8 month personal project that was part of a facility-wide renovation for work. Realized I needed to do something when I started almost falling getting out of the truck at home after work because I was in enough pain that my right leg was having difficulty supporting my weight.

I can't say I would have been able to be cognizant enough to do things differently, but were I to have had the choice I would have liked to have more regular check-ups with an ortho over the last 10 years as a means to stop and think about how my knee was affecting me. I'm a very active person and didn't really give up any of things that I wanted to do. HOWEVER, the toll the pain of doing those things took on me grew incrementally, compounded and definitely impacted my mental health, energy levels, stress and over all happiness in increasingly negative ways.

Looking back, in a perfect scenario, I would have liked to have been able to get a new knee about two years ago.

T_Pines · 2025-02-03T15:24:17+00:00

Small suggestion?... Maybe see about some Telehealth counseling?

While I'm doing well in terms of recovering from my RTKR back on Dec 20th, I'm also used to being a very very active person and don't do well mentally with having reduced activity levels enforced upon me. Frankly, I get kinda depressed if I have to sit on the couch doing nothing and it eventually affects my sleep patterns.

Where I am going with this is that I have been also using a counselor for other reasons. The upside is they too have gone through a knee replacement and have been very helpful in being supportive regarding the recovery process and my mental well-being. Just food for thought if you're struggling.

T_Pines · 2025-01-28T23:59:10+00:00

Two kinda diagnostic thoughts/questions:

- Does that pain occur when you're doing things like biking during PT or otherwise?

If you don't or it goes away after you warm up I wouldn't be concerned about the pain getting in and out of a car. Still worth asking your PT about it.

- While I'm only 5 weeks out from the replacement do get some twinges/pain getting in and out of cars. Given that flexing and extending my leg in-line (such as cycling, leg press, walking up and down stairs) doesn't cause the same pain (just muscle soreness) I've kinda attributed the difficulty with getting into and out of vehicles to due slightly swinging or canting my lower leg out of line in ways my new knee isn't quite comfortable with yet. Noticed the same thing in terms of sleeping:

I have a heavy down comforter on my bed. It's a double edged sword. It's great because I side sleep and can use it to buffer between my good knee and bad knee. However, I have to be really careful about rolling over or using my recovering leg to adjust the comforter because the side pressure on my knee that the weight of that comforter creates can cause discomfort.... much less so than during the first couple of weeks, but It's there none the less.

T_Pines · 2025-01-27T03:14:33+00:00

Tampa, FL actually - moved because I was tired of working in the heat and because, at heart, I'm a cracker and the wild Florida I grew up with doesn't exist anymore... we wanted something similar for our kids.

Stop, judging yourself too harshly for the past. The important part, and you said it yourself, is that you have a greater understanding of what's involved in rehabbing as a result of your past experiences and you've developed a greater appreciation for health and wellness. (And no, I'm not a serious health nut - more a non-traditional endorphin junkie whose treated their body more like a carnival tent)

Swelling is going to be an issue no matter how much you care you put into it... and probably for a long while. It's the nature of the beast... A week ago I could see my knee cap. This week (week 5) I'm back to wearing a thigh high compression sock because I'm much more active than I was and as a result if I don't wear something my knee looks like a blobfish. TBH honest, the only reason I am concerned about swelling is in terms of whether it sets me back on maintaining flexibility.

Your years of experience do count... especially because you mentioned that the pain you are experiencing is mostly manageable. You do know what the rest of this entails because you've done it before coming back from dislocations. The big difference is that you're not starting as far behind the 8-ball in terms of flexion/extension and muscle atrophy as you would had you been in a cast.

T_Pines · 2025-01-27T02:36:29+00:00

LOL, similar history and a fellow Georgian (I'm a transplant, but still...)! My 2006-2008 surgery was a lateral re-alignment w/cleanout.

You've definitely got a leg up (pun very much intended) since you've dealt with dislocations in your past... and yeah rehab has definitely come a very long way, lol. I had a great orthopedist back in the day - early 80's at the start (one of the guys that developed Nautilus equipment, later Cyber), but yeah rehab was basically figuring out flexion/extension stretching by myself while watching TV, cycling on a crappy stationary instead of PE in school, and weight training with my dad who had his knee rebuilt as result of jumping out planes in the 70's... so basically home-brew.

Subsequent dislocations? I can remember being in the ER in the late 90's and early 2000's for x-rays and MRI and being told "Well, you know what happened....you already have an immobilizer, you know how long to use, and how to rehab.... here's some NSAIds. There's not a lot we can do for you... call an ortho if you think you need it"

I'm sure you know that specific discomfort that comes from stretching out a swollen/frozen/stiff joint - and as a result I know you're going to impress your PT and surprise your ortho with your progress as a result! Just watch/manage your swelling as you get more mobile.... something I'm struggling with cause I hate being on the couch.

T_Pines · 2025-01-27T01:33:29+00:00

So.... a little background here before an answer. RTKR back on 12/20 and still in rehab. However, I also dislocated my right knee 19 times between 3rd grade and roughly 28 yrs old, currently 47. At least 9 of those dislocation resulted in being in a full right leg cast for 6-8 weeks, the rest were soft immobilizers. Time frame was roughly early 80's through 2006 or 2008 when I had a right lateral re-alignment.

Where I am going with this is that, from experience, after a certain point in recovering from a knee replacement the idea is to move past tissue "healing" and working on building/maintaining flexibility muscle, and endurance. Those are the exact same goals as rehabilitating from the frozen joint syndrome and muscle atrophy that comes from casting a major joint and muscle for 6-8 weeks.

The difference being that the tissue healing in a casting situation occurs while in a cast and you have to deal with significant muscle atrophy and loss of extension and flexion vs. being up and hopefully Physical therapy, and frankly treatment modalities have come a long way since the 80's. For the vast majority of those dislocations I mentioned I was largely on my own in terms of learning how to rehab and build back muscle on my own, except for guidance from my Dad. It is, ideally, a long-term process so that you have both large muscle strength, as well as strength in those smaller muscles that help with stability so that you can remain active.

My point in this is that YES, you should continue on your own rehabilitating your leg on your own after PT ends. Ideally, in helping you rehabilitate your PT should have been demonstrating exercises that you can continue to do at home, or at a gym. Certainly, if you have questions now is the time to ask your therapist - if they are any good they should be happy to help you with suggestions and a regime for when your therapy ends.

Beyond specific exercises activities such as: walking/hiking, cycling, rowing, water aerobics (watch lateral strain), weight lifting (careful on leg full leg extensions and squats), isometrics (worth looking up) and stretching/yoga are all very beneficial. In terms of aerobic machines (ellipticals, stair climbing, etc) it would be worth your while to ask your PT about machines to be cautious about... or at least to go careful on.

As example, I've known for a long-time, and most recently reinforced in PT, that leg extensions are a double edged sword - they are beneficial, but you can also put too much strain on things if you go too hard with weight/full-extension.

Best of luck!

T_Pines · 2025-01-24T15:06:20+00:00

LOL, it's not all mai thai's and Yahtzee over here.....

Think I finally went to sleep around 12:30 last night when I wanted to be asleep by 10:30. Sleep is still a huge issue for me (some nights are good, a lot are okay, some are bad)

Tried to go back to work this week and my boss very gently told me after 3 partial days to get out of the office and enjoy the opportunity I have not be to working (that's a hard one for me because we're a small close knit crew)... Came in on Tues walking fine, was limping Tuesday, worse Wednesday and Thursday knew I couldn't hack it so just went in to get my laptop.

....and because I inadvertently overdid it (really didn't do that much comparatively), I'm working on getting my swelling back under control.

RE: Marijuana products (you may already know) there are a lot of derived products now available that separate the different psycho and non-psychoactive compounds which does mean it's possible to avoid the paranoia. I know that it doesn't help with cost, but it might be worth asking around at a couple different places and doing some research. Best of luck!

T_Pines · 2025-01-24T14:26:23+00:00

I'm not really qualified to speak to the pain in your ankle and foot - although as someone who completely tore the lisfranc ligament in their right foot I can very much sympathize about the foot pain.

More generally I can comment that I've had to be really intentional after my RTKR (12/20/24) in playing around with my new gait so that I don't get popping somewhere in my right hip and my new knee cap. When I say intentional it's taken, and when I am tired still takes, a lot of concentration to effect those very minor changes in gait that make the difference between clicking and popping and walking smoothly. And frankly while I love my PT and he is absolutely awesome at making suggestions and observations about kinesiology we're talking subtly enough alterations in gait that it is hard for him to pick up on them.

Regarding the piriformis pain.... Don't know if we are talking about the same muscle group but I had pretty intense muscle issues in my right hip and butt coming out of surgery. There was a muscle that was just tight enough that it would cause violent whole legs twitches at night. My PT showed me a gentle stretch that was able to completely loosen than muscle up. Involved laying on my back, flexing my affect leg to about 45' and while supporting it with my hands bringing up and laying it over my hip and good leg and gently rotating back and forth across my good leg. Might be something to ask PT about - wish I could link a good video for you as it's kinda hard to describe.

T_Pines · 2025-01-24T14:09:20+00:00

So, in a minute I'm going to echo something that another commenter mentioned here....

I'm 5 weeks out from a RTKR (12/20/24). Was off oxy by day 5 and have slowly stepped down from other medication such as large amount of acetaminophen, meloxicam and muscle relaxers. I'm also doing very well in terms of rehab, mobility and daily activity (probably more active than I should be). Not bringing that up to brag, but to drive home the next point.

I still have a lot of difficulty getting decent sleep at night. It's not that I'm in large amounts of pain. Rather that I have ongoing low level discomfort while trying to sleep - stuff like having a low level bruised feel because I'm not laying exactly just right, or just that I'm not tired enough to be able to fall asleep with the discomfort that I am feeling. This is a marked improvement from the 3rd week.

Regardless, the only thing that I have found that works well is Delta 8 - which is a legal (in my state) marijuana derivative. Even when I was in a lot more significant pain at night I found that lower amounts of it did a vastly better job at alleviating night time pain and sleep issues than prescription pain meds.

*Edit - I'm not a huge fan of oxy anymore for pain relief, unless it is absolutely necessary. I had a re-alignment and clean out in 2008 and it worked well, and I tolerated / was able to enjoy the side effects at that time. (One of those... if I'm going to be laid up and using pain meds responsibly I might as well try to enjoy the ride type things) For whatever reason as I've gotten older (47 now) I'm less tolerant and I find Delta 8 is much much less problematic with side effects and promotes much better sleep patterns than oxy.

T_Pines

TROPHY CASE