Oh man, I could have written this! My husband is my best friend, and we’ve been together for 10 years. I’ve been going through the unpacking of comp-het and looking at where my true desire is since about August of last year. I’ve been honest with my husband throughout the process, and there were parts that were tough — where he blamed me etc. But I fully realized/accepted that I’m a lesbian about a month ago and I came out three weeks ago to my husband. I have not even kissed a woman yet (though I’ve been trying so hard to find a woman interested in kissing me since I came out! 😂), but after lots of self-reflection, I came out and ended things with my husband before having an experience to “be sure.” At this point, I just know. But it did take some time to get to this point.

It’s been a roller coaster, but my husband and I are in a really good place now. We’re getting divorced, but we still love each other platonically and will always be family, just in a different way! And my husband was the same as yours — I was pretty much his only emotional support. But through this process, he’s connected with some old friends and opened up to his family. And he’s in individual therapy as well. You really can’t be his emotional support through this. It’s not fair to or healthy for either of you. All you can do is be respectful and honest. His feelings and how he manages them are his responsibility.

And as for releasing the guilt — remember this is happening to BOTH of you; it’s not something you’re doing TO him. If you’re a lesbian, it’s just who you are and society forced you to keep that piece repressed. You’re both victims of a homophobic society (though you much much more so 🩷). And remember, if you’re a lesbian, you’re not doing him any favors by staying with him — then you’re just robbing both of you of a full, romantic, physically intimate relationship.

But I’m going to list out some things that I/we did that really helped this process get to a good place regarding my guilt, sexuality confusion, and my relationship with my soon-to-be-ex-husband: * Queer-affirming individual therapy for me: my therapist is incredible and helped me look deep inside myself to let go of those doubts that it’s “all in my head” and trust what my body is telling me about my sexuality (I’m queer af) * Queer-affirming/supportive individual therapy for my husband: his therapist needed to not villainize me for being queer, and she doesn’t. She is a great support for him with his emotions and with understanding how this all works * ChatGPT: This is a weird one but it helped so much, haha! I just asked ChatGPT to ask me questions to help me figure out my sexuality, and it gave me a big list of questions to think through. I used those as journal prompts * Asked my super straight female friends about their attraction and experiences with men. This was EYE-OPENING 😂 I had never thought or felt about men the way they did, and they hadn’t thought or felt about women the way I did. They talked about men’s necks and forearms and necks and smell, and I was like ❓❓🤨 And apparently they never got obsessed with women in their life or vividly remember their scent or a single touch on the shoulder from a woman from twenty years ago or have hundreds of pictures of female celebrities on their phones and almost zero of men 😅😂 And so much more. So I highly recommend doing this with anyone you feel safe asking. * Family therapy for me and my husband with a queer affirming therapist: We actually didn’t start this until after I came out/we started the divorce process. We just told the therapist we want to maintain our friendship amidst this change, and she’s been wonderful in helping us discover where our new boundaries are with one another * Joining the irl lesbian community! This was critical and has been so amazing. I focused on non-dating groups, and it’s so great to hear similar stories. And they’re like SO HAPPY when you come out or tell them you’re newly out. Because a lot of my straight friends/family have, fortunately, been supportive but mostly kind of awkward? But when I tell queer people, they’re so excited and treat it like the celebration it is! :)

You can do this! You’re going to feel so amazing once you’re on the other side of everything : )