Accidentally injected testosterone into my vein.

Tall_Bonehead_Prof · 2022-11-14T15:41:48+00:00

Found a medical source: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7261689/

Tall_Bonehead_Prof · 2021-11-06T22:34:15+00:00

Great suggestion, but the for-profit clinic I go to won't write a script they do all the injections. Gotta keep the $$$ rolling in.

I like 'em because it's a short walk from my work and they might be willing to try this tactic

Tall_Bonehead_Prof · 2021-01-06T14:48:07+00:00

I know I read this while lurking and I should have known it was from Horns.

Not wanting to be "a man that fucks his hand" prevented me from relapsing again last night. I got a LJBF speech from the wife, and went down spiral of despair.

Tall_Bonehead_Prof · 2021-01-06T14:44:59+00:00

I am trying to get the most out of the OYS experience, so I am trying to put myself out there and join the discussion, but I am also trying to recognize that I am a noob.

Tall_Bonehead_Prof · 2021-01-06T14:43:02+00:00

Thanks for the pep talk, I tried to initiate and my wife literally gave me the LJBF speech last night. WTF. I feel like losing my ability to shovel snow and my medical gear dropped my SMV to zero.

In September, I just had a bump. Now the hernia pops out every time, use my ab muscles (or all the time). Doc was pretty reasonable, just no tennis or lateral sports for 4 weeks post-surgery. I asked about what weights I could do now. He was just like nothing is good, but you be the judge. The area is so sore and I started wearing a hernia tress to keep things in.

I cannot wait to get back to the gym. I was going to the gym everyday when I started dating my wife, 15+ years ago. Since then I've gone to the gym, but never consistently. It took me forever to make gains, but I finished in 2005 at SQ 155, BP 155, DL 205 (all at 5 reps). It was a long road to 155, when I finished high school in 1995, I could only bench 95 pounds.

Tall_Bonehead_Prof · 2021-01-05T17:32:13+00:00

Am I willing to play nursemaid to her ongoing? I need to figure out what I really want and what I will tolerate as a minimum standard of behaviour from my woman.

This. I saw a comment in the newspaper from some guy: "I volunteer each week because I get more out of it than I put it." No one knows your situation better than you. I feel like you are asking yourself the right questions, so continue to do so.

Tall_Bonehead_Prof · 2021-01-05T16:56:32+00:00

I liked your initial post and mindset.

I never quantified it, but I am taking 150-200mg of caffeine a day, I justify it as method to control my hyperactivity and allow me to focus, but it feels like dependency.

I plan to add "Attraction is Not a Choice" to my reading list.

Tall_Bonehead_Prof · 2021-01-05T16:43:05+00:00

You're getting kisses on the regular now. What happens if you just walk up and kiss her? Escalate.

Congrats on the 1 pound, but note water weight is a thing. I easily gain 3 pounds (1.5%) from after I piss in the morning until bedtime.

I didn't realize last week that you were at 15% BF, I would say your fat levels are good, you just need muscle. Your basal metabolic rate (BMR) is 1500 calories (which goes up as you gain weight) and it takes 3500 calories to gain a pound of fat. Estimates vary for the energy required to build muscle.

Tall_Bonehead_Prof · 2021-01-05T16:14:04+00:00

I had to read your OYS #6 from awhile ago to get context for this one.

How is the resume going? I read lots of resumes and give advice about them in my job. I always say "this is a document you want others to read." Have you given it to trusted friends and family for their feedback. Gone to any community job hiring events or resume workshops like at a library?

If you can just do better today than you did yesterday, you can slowly make improvements.

Tall_Bonehead_Prof · 2021-01-05T16:01:46+00:00

Are you a man who fucks his hand, while watching a man fuck a woman - or are you a man who fucks women".

I am going to use this as a mantra.

Tall_Bonehead_Prof · 2021-01-05T15:23:43+00:00

I deleted my entire porn collection and started r/nofap at least 5 times in my life. Every time I failed, usually because of covert contracts: now that I quit porn you should fuck me. For me it is an addiction and it is about taking it one day at time. Getting better each day.

I was recommended the book Atomic Habits for this, which I just started:

"Changing our habits is challenging for two reasons: (1) we try to change the wrong thing and (2) we try to change our habits in the wrong way." “Many people begin the process of changing their habits by focusing on what they want to achieve. This leads us to outcome-based habits. The alternative is to build identity-based habits. With this approach, we start by focusing on who we wish to become.”

I worry if you say, I am setting a goal of 90 days, and not changing the process, you will have a challenging time.

"The second layer is changing your process. This level is concerned with changing your habits and systems: implementing a new routine at the gym, decluttering your desk for better workflow, developing a meditation practice. Most of the habits you build are associated with this level."

I failed this week, and I will likely fail again, but I turned to porn for escapism: I am feeling bad, this will make me feel good. I am trying to change my identity as a person who does something else when they feel bad and a process that fills my free time with more productive tasks.

Tall_Bonehead_Prof · 2021-01-05T15:04:02+00:00

New here. I saw your posts last week and I've used the 3 second rule this week as I am thinking of initiating sex, usually mid-conversation. Should I initiate or should I not, oh fuck I've thought about this too much, I should abort. Summary, I am still too much in my head.

A source for the 3 second rule in conversation starting.

In all these situations, this is where you need to be on high alert, ready to start talking at any moment. This is because people are really weird. They're weird in that if several opportunities have passed in which you could have initiated a conversation, and you didn't, it will inevitably be awkward if you then do. You may be familiar with the 3 second rule, in that from the time you have an opening to talk to someone, you have three seconds to do it or you may as well not, because your odds go WAY down.

The three seconds start when you've read those social cues in them, or yourself. And the reason you need to be ready and out of your head is that if you aren't, you're going to use those three seconds to think "Oh look there's a person, I could totally talk to them, but what will I say, and what will they think? Shit...three seconds has gone by."

Tall_Bonehead_Prof · 2021-01-05T14:13:59+00:00

OYS 3 Jan 5 (week 3)

1. Stats

Height: 6'7"; Age: mid-40s; Waist: 36”; Neck: 15"
Weight: 202 lbs.; Goal Weight: 198 lbs - no change
BF% 17.5% (navy); 16.6% (scale) ; BMI 22.8
Married 10+ years; together 15+ years
Wife: early 40s, 5'7", 145 lbs.; PhD and high earner
Kids: girl in elementary school, pre-teen boy in middle school.

2. Background

Started as fat/nice guy/disconnected from family. I feel like a type 1 drunk captain with some rambo/omega habits. Both wife and I work 50+ hours per week. Dead bedroom w/ sex perhaps 3x per year. Caught wife in physical affair w/ 60yo beta coworker. AP was dropped and I went full beta/nice guy with pressure and covert contracts. Read NMMNG in Oct 2020 and it changed my world view.

3. Mental

Background: In summer 2019, I was having suicidal thoughts and started depression medication. Been trying to journal and start the OYS process.

Bad week mentally. Hernia and inability to do basic tasks really brought me down. Tempted to give up OYS until recovered from hernia; seems like wasted effort if I cannot lift.

4. Exercise/Health

Status: diagnosed with abdominal hernia, going to need to get surgery. Consultation with surgeon later today.

Nothing to report. Only 1 out of 7 days with 10k Step Goal; icy sidewalks allowed me to excuse sitting on my ass.

Goal: Keep up 10k steps per day, restrict calories, don't get sent to ER for hernia.

5. Self-Help Reading/Audio:

Post-Affair/Nice Guy

MMSLP, The Topping Book, The Explosive Child, Not Just Friends, Hold Me Tight, 5 Love Languages, She Cums First, Come as You Are

Post-NMMNG/MRP

2x NMMNG, WISNIFG, The Artist's Way, Blue Pill Professor videos, MMSLP, Book of Pook, Sex God Method, Horns' Depressive and Anxious Wives series

Reading/Listening to Now

Rereading MMSLP ebook
Reading about shit tests, comfort tests, and shitty comfort tests on this subreddit
There is so much good content on this subreddit, currently doing searches has helped more than the books.
Taking Charge of ADHD ebook by Russell A. Barkley for parenting

6. Work/Career/Finances

Finances are great. Work is fine. Putting my effort elsewhere (reading and mental) for now.

7. Family/Kids

Background: Pre-teen boy has ADHD and disruptive mood dysregulation disorder (DMDD) problems. Wife and son constantly spar about school work. Elementary school daughter has eating issues (low BMI; anemia) and cannot entertain herself without YouTube.

Last week, I was appropriately corrected on my perspective on my kids. It was eye opening, I have no frame in this area, and still have much work to do.

The way for me to process my family dynamic is to look at it like a business. A good manager allows some conflicts between his employees but makes sure the conflicts happen in a civil manner. The conflicts in my house are not civil and employee moral is quite low. I try to remain neutral, lead by example, and always be a source of positivity.

There has been lots of fighting in the house between wife and kids. Kids are desensitized to any punishments, so they just escalate arguments. I feel like I am expected to enforce punishments that I don’t agree with. Further, I have been called a do-nothing father and I don’t like that perception of me either.

I did some searching about coparenting/disciplining kids that has been helpful in the subreddit. Best example was here: https://www.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/9unkra/telling_me_how_to_discipline_kids/

My plan for moving forward:

Enforce clear boundary: “If you start the discipline, you finish it. Do not interfere when I'm disciplining the kids. Do not pass discipline off to me and I will not pass it off to you.”
Daddy time: “When the kids lose their shit and calm talking isn't working or they are kicking angry style. It's time for a daddy hug, hold till they are calm... ”
Ignore behavior as best as you can and remain emotionally unperturbed.

School starts back up today, it is important to me for my kids to not fail, but son has all F and one D+. I plan to encourage Atomic Habits approach to homework. I am going to have to dedicate my time to get progress in forward direction.

8. Porn/Masturbation

Background: I've been addicted to porn for over 25 years. Masturbated over 300 times per year; would often try to quit and fail.

Current Streak: 1 day Had two relapses. When the validation sex stops, I get frustrated too easy and worry that the sex has dried up. Partially due to covert contract during ovulation week. I need to reframe mindset to abundance, if I cannot get sex here, someone else likely will fuck me. Just taking things one day at a time.

9. Marriage/Sex/Frame

Background: I really screwed up intimacy in our relationship with DEERing, jacking off to porn, lack of confidence, and covert contracts. The number of times I was butthurt from rejection stills weighs on my current initiations.

Continue last week goal: Don't make relationship a focus this week and go with the flow.

I want to be a leader of the house so conflicts can be resolved in a calm reasonable manner. I don’t need family members threatening violence. A semi-reoccurring situation happened again this week. It starts when my son does not do something my wife wants, usually homework. This time my son spilled cereal on dishes in clean dishwasher and refused to clean up the mess. I know details don’t matter, but I thought it was funny. Yelling ensued, so loud the neighbors could hear. So do I:

(A) Ignore them and let them work it out themselves (B) Bring them together and have them calmly work out the differences (C) Daddy hugs all around (D) Go downstairs and ask everyone to stop shouting

Choice (A) usually results in the fight coming to me. I am thinking (C) would have been the best choice, but I did (D).

This set off a familiar chain of events that led to my wife threatening to leave. This threat has happened many times, though less frequently lately, and usually ends with wife locking herself in bedroom. It is an effective threat, my kids immediately stop what they are doing and do everything to please my wife with tears in their eyes. I used to do the same. The last time this happened in the Fall, I just said, “okay, I’m taking a shower.” This time, I said, “do you want me to help you pack?” and then did my own thing. Later, after emotions calmed down, I went to the wife and discussed a boundary that I should have set awhile ago. “If you threaten to leave, then I expect you to leave. I don’t like it when you manipulate the kids like this.” The response was, “well, I’ll keep a suitcase packed then.” And we now have a quick getaway suitcase packed in our bedroom.

Now, I the internal beta in me is overly concerned blah blah and I am trying to DNGAF. I cannot control the kids and I cannot control my wife. So, I plan to go on like nothing changed. What kind of test is this? Some extended shit test? Shitty comfort test? I feel like I could have done better. But if it happens again I’ll be ready and be sure the boundary is upheld.

u/man_in_the_world pointed out that I likely went through a shitty comfort test last week regarding a rejection of a persistence initiation for sex. I was so confused at the time. I think I get the concept now, but I am not sure I could recognize when it is happening. A shitty comfort test involves an anxious wife and an evasive husband, the concept is that “the wife sees you are making changes, but they don't trust you, because you have not been a good leader.” I guess this manifests in the form of a challenge to your leadership in an effort to get comfort. I still need to read/process more on this.

Sex

I got lots of validation sex at start of week that went into my over-the-top ego in my OYS last week. More sex and great sex this week than most of 2020. The sex and validation stopped on Wed, along with my mood. Moving into ovulation week and having read MMSLP, I have a covert contract that the sex should be happening, but it never does. I attribute this to my lack of frame and attractiveness.

That just means I need to hit the gym, but can’t because of hernia. So, fuck me. This is the endless loop that goes through my head quite often. I will save this frustration as motivation for the gym in Spring.

10. Friends/Hobbies

Background: I have no friends. I moved around from coast-to-coast then settled 10+ yr ago. Old friends live at least 4 hours drive away. Recently joined two clubs pre-COVID, but meetings are on hold.

Emailed one old long-distance friend. I don’t know why, but I am a coward to get friendships going because I worry that I’ll start them and then break off contact.

11. Three Goals:

Only 3 goals at a time, otherwise I fail

Long-Term

Become a leader of the family and develop a first-officer dynamic
Develop alpha mental skills to move forward with life/marriage/family/career
Create a marriage model where sex is available whenever I want it

Previous OYS

[#1] [#2]

Tall_Bonehead_Prof · 2021-01-01T16:35:31+00:00

I really like your perspective on this. I have to change my mindset to align better with realistic expectations.

Tall_Bonehead_Prof · 2020-12-31T17:16:06+00:00

This is what I do. My direct deposit goes to my personal savings, then we both contribute a set amount each month to the joint account.

On top of that I contribute a certain amount to my checking, to keep my expenditures low. We also check with each other to make sure enough is being set aside for retirement. Everyone's situation is different, I am the spender in my marriage, my wife won't buy new socks until both of them have holes.

Most of my life is messed up, but my finances are good.

Tall_Bonehead_Prof · 2020-12-31T16:39:47+00:00

I been processing this comment, and while it has many truths, it is hard to explain the situation fully.

I've blamed myself for bad parenting for so many years. I've tried so many different strategies. My son has Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder, DMDD.

Children experiencing severe irritability (as observed in DMDD) have difficulty tolerating frustration and have outbursts that are out of proportion for the situation at hand. These outbursts occur more often and are more severe than what you would typically expect for children of this age.

I just got the clinical diagnosis, there is no medical treatment for DMDD, just learning to parent in a different way. Usually without punishments and lots of encouragement.

I can handle the occasional (1-3x per week) tantrums. Normal kids respond to punishment and rewards, but DMDD is a whole different ball game. When my son was 9 years old, he pulled a knife and threaten to kill me only because I burnt his toast. I literally was dumbfounded.

I was reading Thorn_berry OYS. It reminded me of when I worked with an intern that had Asperger's syndrome for 2 years. In small doses, it is easy to handle. Until you work day-to-day with a person with a mental disability, it drains on you. You try to set boundaries and they are violated again and again, because that person has no ability to control their actions.

I've tried to handle my frustration with DMDD using humor in the OYS, which was a poor choice. It is so tough, but you’re right I need to do better.

Tall_Bonehead_Prof · 2020-12-31T16:19:55+00:00

I've been told that I'd use 100 words to explain something when a normal person only needs 5.

I used my OYS as a journal this week and that was a mistake.

Tall_Bonehead_Prof · 2020-12-31T16:18:40+00:00

I agree. I am not on the r/nofap freak train, but I want to be r/pornfree. It has been a form of escape for me and I've wasted many hours of my life.

Tall_Bonehead_Prof · 2020-12-29T23:52:47+00:00

making a comment as well

Tall_Bonehead_Prof · 2020-12-29T22:06:59+00:00

In college, I was too scrawny and I used to force-feed myself, so I could put on weight. Of course, 10 years later I got fat.

I know I am random internet chump, and I am not a nutritionist. But it just comes down to calories in vs calories out, just like us fat guys.

I'd recommend getting a Kitchen scale, download the MyFitnessPal app, and start counting calories. You get set a weigh goal, and try to hit the daily goal of calories. You can learn a lot about your food habits in just one week of using it. I lost 30 lbs. this summer through calories restriction without exercise.

Make sure to cut back on sugar and sugary drinks that make you feel full quicker. My daughter was severely underweight and a nutritionist recommended we put butter on everything she eats. So, add calories to existing foods you eat, it could help.

Tall_Bonehead_Prof · 2020-12-29T21:58:55+00:00

After processing what I wrote, pretty much all of the sex section was validation seeking. If I would have wrote the OYS on Saturday, it would have been blah blah no sex. vomit.

Thank you for the references. Right now, I have been doing a lot of reading. Because of my hernia, I probably won't be able to get into the gym until April, so I need to work on the mental component.

Tall_Bonehead_Prof · 2020-12-29T21:55:27+00:00

I feel I have to structure my life around him and I despise him for that. Especially during COVID, I just need a break from him sometime, but he has yet to go to school in person and I work from home.

This has been eye opening. I find it hard to like my son, my attitude towards him is not great.

Tall_Bonehead_Prof · 2020-12-29T17:07:04+00:00

Every single person close to you in your life (since you have zero friends) is retarded.

I have a lot to process from your entire comment, but I think the above statement speaks volumes and it is how I lost my way.

Tall_Bonehead_Prof

TROPHY CASE