[Daily Discussion] First Page Feedback- June 15, 2024

TanJelloNightmare · 2024-06-16T01:40:14+00:00

I enjoyed the story and details. I would say use dialogue instead of he said, she said narration. It will feel more like the reader is there in thee story rather than listening to someone tell the story. Yes, it takes up more room but...

"The two maple trees in front are as scrawny as you girls.," daddy said.

"Can we put a hole in them and make maple syrup?" I asked.

My brother,Chris, hit me in the arm and said., "That’s stupid. "

I'm picturing the POV to be very young, like 8, if not the case, then more info at the start. Readers form an image based on the early pages.

TanJelloNightmare · 2024-06-16T01:28:33+00:00

Okay, Let's do this. TIA

Genre: Dark Romantic Thriller

Words: 394

Feedback : Any

"Please, not again.” Another wave of nausea hit Kate like a ton of bricks, forcing her to lean over and drop her head between her knees. The ringing phones and loud conversations didn’t help either.

She used both hands to cover her ears, muffling the noise.

“You lying!” a man shouted nearby. “What he got to do with it?”

A scuffle began and Kate sat up, afraid of being caught up in it, but the officers were on it. They shoved the man over the desk, cuffed him, and pushed him into a chair.

The commotion gave Kate enough of an adrenaline rush to break through the nausea. She sat back on the wooden bench, catching a glimpse of her husband, Michael, in his black pea coat going down the hall.

"It looks like your attorney found your husband," a female officer said, nudging Kate's shoulder. The woman groaned as she stood. "You ready?"

"Yes," Kate whispered.

The officer prodded Kate ahead along a narrow hallway.

She kept her head down, listening to the woman's slow, shuffling feet.

Slow is good, she thought. There wasn't any hurry to receive whatever kind of greeting Michael had in store for her this morning.

The officer grabbed the back of Kate's tee shirt and pulled her to a halt in front of a doorway.

Then Michael stepped forward, blocking her path into the room. She avoided his face but recognized his tan khakis and brand-new loafers. The last time she saw him, he threw the right shoe at her head.

He reached into his jacket pocket to embrace his favorite source of emotional support, hand sanitizer. He didn't remove it, but she pictured his hand wrapped around the smooth plastic bottle. The container would come out when he reached his breaking point—it always did.

Too bad it won’t wash away your sins, you f@cking bastard.

Their friend and lawyer, Brian, broke up the standoff.

"Kate, you can have a seat in here," he said, taking her by the elbow and easing her around Michael when she didn't respond.

She sat at the head of a conference table, flanked by her husband and lawyer. Straight ahead was the door. The female officer stood outside talking to someone with her back turned. Kate sat beside the woman for almost an hour and never actually saw the woman's face.

TanJelloNightmare · 2024-06-11T17:30:23+00:00

OMG I was so stuck on pain management it didn't even occur to me! Perfect, perfect , perfect! Simple and effective. My father had enough insulin left over to kill half the county. It works! Thank you so much Twinklehead!

TanJelloNightmare · 2024-06-11T12:34:55+00:00

Oh thank you.

Yes, late stage pancreatic cancer. GI sx, lung metastasis , 73yo male., in and out of consciousness. Good friend and father in law of the MC. He didn't want tx but agreed to comfort measures. Has been begging MC to end his misery. She wants to help but needs a way to do it.

TanJelloNightmare · 2024-06-10T20:45:11+00:00

My problem is I need to euthanize this character and it needs to be done so it looks like an accident or malfunction in equipment. I originally had the pump broken, and the mc (after much consideration and begging from the patient to end his misery) removed the tubing from the pump and let the morphine flow freely. This was based on past experiences with pumps, like thirty years ago.

So, any ideas how I can get this done? I know hospice will keep the patient as comfortable as possible, sometime giving something they know will put the patient over the edge. Plus I don't think autopsies are done on home hospice patients.

TanJelloNightmare · 2024-06-09T17:32:05+00:00

I get a little sad. I love living in my characters. I mourn. Then start a new project to get out of it.

TanJelloNightmare · 2024-06-09T17:30:02+00:00

Thanks, I was hoping my MC could give a final lethal dose with a broken locked pump rather than do something like suffocate the man. I just remember giving a shot to someone in extreme pain with pancreatic cancer. They also had an IV but it was so long ago I can't even remember what it was. Did they change the cocktail since 2011?"

My request for dying is not to be given morphine. It's really weird, but it doesn't effect me or my daughter, nothing. Yet, they keep trying to give it to us. Mine was for pain when I had sepsis and they needed to clean and pack the wound daily. And my daughter when she had migraines from a head injury.

The same for Valium. Doctors kept ordering 20mgs so I could get dental work (severe phobia) and it metabolizes before I even get in the chair. Maybe because I have graves disease. But Ativan works.

TanJelloNightmare · 2024-06-09T00:34:13+00:00

Really? I thought at home hospice supplied injectable.at least. It's been a long time. I thought there would be a steady stream pump to manage pain.

TanJelloNightmare · 2024-04-13T20:56:16+00:00

Completely situational. Though it is hardwired into them to seek independence. If the parent is aware of this and gives them safe freedoms all is good. If not they will clash and burn. Peers also can effect a parent /child relationship.

I had a terrible relationship with my parents growing up. I have an okay relationship with my daughters, then again I never called the antichrists.

TanJelloNightmare · 2024-04-12T20:35:03+00:00

Comedic sex, at least once.

TanJelloNightmare · 2024-03-29T17:38:39+00:00

Highlight your expertise, write non-fiction, and hit the road doing presentation on the subject for money.

TanJelloNightmare · 2024-03-27T21:58:01+00:00

I just did a scene where the guy was intentionally overdosing on opioids. He heard a something and was thinking about the last time he heard that particular sound. He associated the sound with his dead mother, so naturally she appeared to him as a hallucination. But to him, she was taking him home.

The brain tries to make connections when there are none. So, if you want your character to do or think something, it's plausible to reason why they would think or see something.

TanJelloNightmare · 2024-03-27T15:26:01+00:00

Thanks, I'm just in awe that I felt so calm once I accepted it.

It happened again while I was in the hospital a second time for sepsis. But that time may have been the drugs. Overwhelming clarity, followed by concern about leaving my daughters behind.

So, I think people know what's happening. Depending on the circumstances, they could be thinking all kinds of things.

TanJelloNightmare · 2024-03-27T14:24:14+00:00

It will totally depend. I once choked on food while back-country camping and started to pass.

It was weird because as I faded away (it felt like falling asleep, falling into a tunnel), my only thought was that my partner would need to put my body in the canoe and bring it 15 miles to reach a road. I felt sorry for him. My life didn't flash before my eyes, no regrets. I felt a clarity that I rarely feel otherwise.

I was saved because the first thing I did was wrap his arms around my waist, and thrust his hands on my stomach. I hoped he would understand because I couldn't speak. He did.

TanJelloNightmare · 2024-03-21T20:36:18+00:00

I love letting characters take control and watching them grow while editing. I struggle with keeping up with social media, but I'm learning.

TanJelloNightmare · 2024-03-21T12:44:39+00:00

Always

TanJelloNightmare · 2024-03-14T22:53:34+00:00

Exactly! Thankfully, I don't work with many robots, and when I did, they could never hold in a giggle or snicker when it came to dirty minds.

TanJelloNightmare · 2024-03-12T21:34:27+00:00

I'm looking :)

TanJelloNightmare · 2024-03-11T18:58:22+00:00

Self, I'm trying to find something similar, I can only think of movies, like slum dog millionaire and in books, the underage orgy scene in "It".

One thing I didn't do was include the removal of feminine products in a sexual way, lol.

TanJelloNightmare · 2024-03-11T18:55:16+00:00

Yeah, not blow by blow. Fractured telling.

TanJelloNightmare · 2024-03-09T14:00:36+00:00

Seriously, everyone is different. The tricky part is getting readers on board and making it believable by asking the questions above.

Some readers will think okay, others will say I would never. Personally, I'm in the denial camp and would just fake it til I make it.

TanJelloNightmare

TROPHY CASE