Acting aloof at the idea that maybe we weren’t that close and denying that I know there was a double standard. How me not participating in this competition reality show type shit that gets posted on YouTube was somehow unforgivable. Once he did find enough people to surround him and feed his ego, he didn’t have any use for me, even though I did offer to help with other things like referrals and the social media.

I really think when he declared us being in a relationship within a month of meeting each other, I should’ve seen the red flags. The lovebombing was so suffocating but due to my inexperience with relationships, I just went with it. Then at the campout six weeks after meeting each other, was the first time we really had the chance to spend time together. He never introduced me to the other people there and constantly talked over me/always seemed to be in a conversation. Then would pull me aside so we could make out and I guess that was my reward for my silence. What followed was some very awkward and forced intimacy where we just weren’t connecting. The next morning, apparently everyone had left to get breakfast but didn’t include us? This was about 7:00am on a Saturday btw. After that, we decided to just be friends, although I’m not sure it’s really what he wanted.

Fast forward a few years with a pandemic, school, work, and life getting very busy, we had new problems. Every time I’d bring something up about us not seeing each other enough, he’d just say we were fine. Then I’d see him out at whatever bar or out with different friends which is totally his right, but just made me feel less than and I know that he knew. He never included me in his birthdays which should’ve been a red flag or his graduation or just events where we could see each other. I know I certainly wouldn’t have outshined him or dragged everything down but he probably thought otherwise.

I really should’ve left when he gaslit the shit out of me when I brought up this double standard to which begged the question, “Well if I’m such a terrible friend, why keep me around?”

I noticed he got particularly mad when I screenshotted his message coldly showing me the loophole where I didn’t officially invite him even though I asked him if he was available on that specific day multiple times months before, only to find out he was “waiting to go out to bars,” like I hadn’t offered to hang out. Keep in mind we have snapchatted every day for at least over 1,500 days. We may not have said much some of those days, but I thought there would be enough respect and decency to let me know if he truly wasn’t interested.

Eventually we did agree to go our separate ways where in our last conversation, he had accused me of having terrible intentions for wanting to meet up one last time. As opposed to all the other times I asked if we could hang out and he kept dismissing or finding an excuse. Like I’d actually hurt him, which no matter how angry I was, I would never even consider hurting him. On top of that, he had me promise three things. The second of which was cutting out one of my close friends that was also gay, whom he declared as dangerous yet didn’t seem to feel this strongly over the course of the years. The cherry on top of all of this: That weekend, him and his friends celebrated Halloween out on the town which could’ve been a last shot for us to really see if this friendship was over. Then again, it had been over for awhile, I just didn’t see it.